Depression

Let me start off by saying that the saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry , you don't hear , you don't see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies. Nothing is worth it anymore. You have no reason to be alive. You start questioning yourself but most of God. Like how could he allow such a thing happen when he is all knowing and loving. Where is your peace on earth?

You start distancing yourself from family coz if anything you feel like a burden. Such a let down. You stop belonging and feelings of unworthiness creep up. Delusional or not it makes sense at that particular moment.  Disappointments are part of life but every goddamn time feels like a set up for more humiliation. You find solace in isolation. Your life flashes right before your very own eyes and for a quick second it feels like God is calling you home well either that or the devil has a customised shovel with your name on it. You feel owed so heaven must be embracing you.

Just as you are taking your last breath, the light at the end of the tunnel sparkles. Knowing that you get to leave behind the shame and unkept promises for eternal peace is so refreshing. No one will know or miss your presence. Suicidal thoughts but then again you are too tired and defeated by life to end your life. Too messy anyway.

Then suddenly, the last person you expected shows up. A ray of hope. But you have been down this road before of having to fight and believe. Depression to me is when you have done all you can by someone who you thought was equally loyal to you and they betray that trust in ways to recover you have to build yourself up again from scratch. It's the worst feeling in the world.

If no one shows up for you,  allow my heartfelt written words do. I am not asking you to not allow the pain and disappointments overwhelm you already broken pieces but use that to hope for what's lef. There is always something left behind. Ashes after the fire has died out and the smoke has cleared. The beauty in the ashes shows that you left your mark that can never be erased or forgotten. You made a difference.

Now start living for yourself and keep your head held high. You already lost, there is nothing else to lose so play to win. Change your story. Tell your story . Your scars don't make you less but different. Different always stands out. Love like you never lost, believe like you never failed and forgive like you were never wronged. That way you hold and keep the power to be the best you only you know how to be darling.....

Don't stay down. Get up and take one step at a time and I promise you, it will be worth it in the end. And that's my #RealityCheck

It Must Pay Off

I swear this is the most interesting blog am about to write coz it means everything to me and to  those smart enough to get what am saying. Not everyone is blessed with real friends and by that I mean the kind who tells you the unpleasant truth. Bitch stop! That man doesn't like you like that. So don't put your life on hold for a man who is hang up on someone else and even if he would settle for less, you still don't make the cut. Harsh but true . Ouch! 

Late night chats with the realest, illest and craziest bestfriend is what am all about. If your friend can't make you laugh at yourself to a point you can't breathe you haven't lived. Watching #Insecure I can't help but think the world is not ready for her. That's why my friend and I avoid putting ourselves out there coz to the rest of the world we are intimidating coz being orginal is a myth nowadays. Thank you Issa Ray for proving that there is more to life than how you look. There is hope for the rest of us. Different is so refreshing.  

To all the good men who have accomplished and are accomplishing the impossible congratulations. Your hard work has paid off. Now tell me this, why are you complaining that there are no good women out there when you keep going for the same old beautiful, renowned,  eloquent ladies with no character and personality. I write this with so much humility like am a lady but compared to how majority modern females are going the extra mile sorry to say to look alike coz they all look the same to me unfortunately you can never have a conversation with such because their reasoning is as plain as my everyday look. No effort. The conversations are always short just incase the real villagers in them comes out. They don't laugh, they smile . They don't giggle, they sigh. They don't laugh sheepishly, they pose and blush .  Wow!!! sounds like a full time job babygal.....

Ladies, would you date a man who is not financially stable? So why are you mad when he goes for the best in the market and it happens to not be you?  All I can say is its anyone's game so don't play yourself while you still have a good thing going. Will you end up with a good man, only God knows. Don't hold your breath or compromise if part of you still believes that there is more out there. Make the most of it. Live each day as it comes unapologetically responsibly but remember there are always consequences. Don't sweat or overthink it, do it or walk away.

Still, I don't get it but hey, try different. Sometimes what you go for is not necessarily what you need. This world can only handle one of you so don't bother waiting for someone or something to come complete you.  As a matter of fact,  you are what you have been waiting for so go out there and maybe your positivity will attract something or someone close enough to match up your madness or rather find you amazingly weird in a very good way.

Now this is my #RealityCheck IT MUST PAY OFF!!!!!!!!

It's never that serious

The hunger and thirst for fame, recognition and followership is real. Why can't you be your own person? Surgery is meant for disfigured individuals and not to enhance beauty. Let's be clear. That's abuse of knowledge if not invention. Unless it's broken please don't try and fix it. No matter how wealthy self made you have become or God has blessed you, you can never buy immortality. Let that sink in.

The extremes majority of us have had to go through to look and live a certain way is sheer stupidity. Can I be real after all, this happens to be my #RealityCheck . How desperate was I? Was I mad? Do these questions sound familiar at this particular time in your life? Congratulations! You have finally given up on what is expected of you and embraced what works for you. You sir /ma'am are now your own person.

If it works out well and good if not venture into something else which excites you even more. At the end if the day, it's never that serious why coz time and life either way has to go on whether you are ready or not. It's that simple so let's not complicate things. You either like someone or you don't. Enough with the am not sure talk ..... mr/miss string along until better shows up. While you are busy postponing now to later you are only opening yourself up to becoming bitter not better. The best memories in life are never planned so why are trying you tame your heart to societies lame hurts.

You are what you have been waiting for so wake up child, live, laugh and love as though it's the first time God has granted you sight. Are you there yet, heck screw it. You are here now and that's all that matters. Take a leap of faith, oh I dare you!!!!!

Whensday........ When Is That Day?

I don't know why I am always procrastinating but am leaning more towards the not yet rather than tomorrow. It has to be perfect yet there is no such thing as perfection. Think about it, your it's done could easily be someone else's view of how lazy you are. Let's be real after all this happens to be my #RealityCheck I believe even I postpone "while in the moment" because of fear. Failing is not an option. The reality of life not adding up , people falling short of your expectations and having to disappoint yourself is one step from going completely bonkers. It has to mean something. It has to add up when you do it. I mean come on! It must ..... Right!? Such questions raising doubt are the very same ones we use as excuses keeping us from moving on.

That is why most people date the same person for over five years with no love or attraction but the thought of starting over and loosing the "normal comfort" mastered routine is unthinkable. Atleast he/she knows the real me and has learnt to put up with it over the years. He/she knows better than to expect me to officiate leave alone define our relationship... why do we need to prove to people and waste money while we already have a good thing going ... He/She knows my grandfather was polygamous so they better not act like they are the only ones in this relationship...... He/She knows I don't have a plan b. If I loose my job that will be a deal breaker but I will see how I will manage us rather He/She can sustain us with their salary but we both know am not getting/applying/starting another business/job.

Are you where you thought you would be years ago? If not what changed? The ultimate price of being human means you have to sacrifice. On that note though, when will you start living for yourself and not circumstances? What had to happen already came to pass let's not dwell on that ship but what about NOW? What do you want to do right now? Is it illegal or are the consequences too overwhelming to even allow such thoughts to cross your mind? We applaud your selflessness but let me ask you this simple question seeing as  the year is almost over, what's that one thing you whispered rather promised your heart you would do this year? Has it quenched your thirst or are you now hungry for more? [Insert Name], when did you stop dreaming, believing, hoping, fighting and become bitter, reluctant, apologetic for wanting the best for yourself? Since when did the real you stop living and start surviving on settling for whatever comes your way?

Procrastination...... you silent thief! Wednesday or should I say WHENSDAY.... When Is That Day!?

Wild Wednesday

Just a quick #RealityCheck just because people may come off a certain way doesn't necessarily mean that they are who you assume they are. Don't mistake my silence for not having a voice. If I don't want to have a conversation with you doesn't make me a snob or a bad person. It makes me human and mature enough to internalise if the energy is positive or negative.

Everyday am learning to be open minded while using the experience from my lessons to better myself and those around me. I don't need to write a book or share on social media my story to gain sympathy. Writing is therapeutic and cheaper than weighing down those around me in the hopes that they will understand.

At this point in my life as my bestie states it so well I am not a teenager meaning I don't have the prestige of wasting my life witnessing others live their lives. The most important thing right now is respect. Everything else is workable. 

I choose to be kind because there were times people weren't. I believe in second chances even if some people dismissed me way too soon. Just because you are in different seasons doesn't mean one is better or more important than the other. Most of the people who are humble and generous have experienced tougher and rougher times but they don't walk around seeking pity or feeling sorry for themselves.

It's not common sense even though in my opinion it should be. Sometimes you give not because you expect anything in return but it's the right thing to do. It's called having morals.

Have yourselves a warm one checkmates.

Truesday

I am sure family comes first to most if not all of us. To me family means security. They are the only people am loyal to without having or expecting the same in return. It's common sense. If their words of council come off harsh it's from a good, caring and wise place and I should take it even when it doesn't feel like it.

Love with someone else should feel that way. Effortlessly secure. It's not that you don't come first or you are not a priority but baibee before you came along there was life and I was dedicated to serving others. Have you ever been torn between being rather discovering something amazing and doing the right thing? Like I want to be with you but I have to be somewhere else for a better cause than you and me?

I don't know what we have but am sure of what we have. I don't know you but I understand where you are coming from and so I need to learn a side of you that lies deep inside you. You can't be everything to everyone so I have learnt but if you are willing to be patient enough ... trust the process .... be open .... maybe we can teach and explore both of our separate unique world's together

The truth hurts but lies leave scars so #Truesday is all about being true and embracing my #RealityCheck

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to take a step back but not look back
Sometimes you have to warm up to the unknown
Sometimes a little heartbreak is just what the heart needs to beat again
Sometimes a new friend, connection ans smile does the trick
Sometimes the right answer is no to appreciate a yes
Sometimes grey skies is all you need to appreciate blue ones
Sometimes even giving your very best and all is never enough
Sometimes it's just a season and you don't require a reason
Sometimes it's not even a mistake but a stepping stone
Sometimes you need to be still in silence to listen and hear your thoughts
See Sometimes, not all the time it becomes a #RealityCheck