Cold Decency

As I sit in the dark listening to some Banky W - Made For You reflecting on how my day was half hungry, tired and excited I cannot help but have a Cold Decency. Earlier,an Uber driver *man* in his late fifties or rather came off that way was kind enough to give me a heads up that the world will end in 2022. I knew what I had done wrong. If you meet me for the very first time I am very welcoming with my beautiful smile and warm hi. I come off inviting although in actual sense am not. There is a difference between being polite and overly entertaining.I come off flirtatious and very interested. Real quick ask me your name and I will laugh because am busy being your co-driver, day dreaming and analyzing you in my mind.

I have heard of devils but today I rode with one. The little church girl in me was ready to put her Sunday school skills to the test. What got my attention is when he said that with so much corruption and theft they wont have time to even enjoy the money. Immediately I started day dreaming. What do you mean like I haven't had a chance for a decent first date, kiss and long drive home. I haven't met the one for me yet. We haven't had that it moment yet, argued to a point of breaking up to making up. Crap, I haven't met his annoying friends and he my disapproving bestfriend. He hasn't even asked me to be his girlfriend. We haven't even re watched deadpool  *fuck*.


In the midst of even a silly moment that is when you realize what is really important. It is what it is because you know what you cannot force someone or anyone to see you in the way you see yourself. The big question is who is this someone? So darling today you did cross my mind rather you are the motivation behind my hard work. Its easier assuming you are miles away, in a different country to stay sane and am sure am not the only one who thinks this way.

Today love hit home and it left a cold decency. You are not a bad person but sometimes you come off cold. You want to be normal and have average dreams or expectations but you can't because you know whatever you want is out there thus forced to be decent.

I Love Old Fashioned Men

Hi Checkmates. Being celibate is hard. It is a choice, my choice and not a trend. I know myself inlove rather I have experienced just how rebellious and stubborn I am when in a relationship. To be completely honest meeting the right man scares me because then I have to practice what I preach. I worry alot. What if I wait too long in the relationship and God forbid he suddenly dies without having explored me?

This is about to go deep but then it wouldn't be a #RealityCheck without going where no one wants to go. I don't mind being vulnerable and naive both at the same time if anything I can't wait for those beautiful sweet and white lies. I am afraid of saying no when in real sense I want it and you in unfathomable ways. Hey,you are not the only one having blue balls here ..... my 'girl' is ready to speak in tongues because the 'holy ghost' in her is literally on fire.

Everytime I go on social media and I read whats happening I am like trust me you don't want to know. I am an unconventional lady so even on your naughty days you can't keep up with my filthy side. I want to be boring for now until the right moment and person present themselves both at the same time. I have a thing for cowboys. The easiest way to 'get laid' gentlemen is by simply being that a gentleman. The way they come off all respectable doesn't make them less of men but more attractive and responsible. Italian men are romantic thus every woman wants to be with a man who adores her.

I am not asking you to be either but give me something to work with. A sneak peak of what I should expect. A preview..... goddamnit .....anything ...... I need a man who wants to be with me and respectful enough to understand that it will take more than flowers, traveling,looks, cars and a last name to impress me. Child, its 2018 and I still love old fashioned men who open doors, apologize even when they are right and take their time to understand, woo and express themselves in a loving manner. 

Imagine Yourself Inlove

Having waited for so long to say those words and not in a sentence but to someone face to face will be reliving a dream. I am so used to telling God so it would feel weird telling rather having to share that intimate word with an actual human being. I love you ....wait ....I am inlove with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have all admired someone at one point in our "miserable lives" I mean honestly looking back at it .... Have you ever tried to explain how good looking someone was back in the day compared to now? You just want to pull them aside when its really dark , shake them up and be like what happened? Like there is no saving your looks child *damn* and to think you did all that for them to end up becoming the brand ambassador of "Eww Fuck No".

The last person I said that to turned out to be a totally different person. See at that particular moment when I said it, it felt real and I meant it. This is not coming from a bitter place but from a better one. When he left, sorry when I left .....the ugly truth that would tear any human down is having to admit that you were cheated on and was left with no choice but leave ....so, when I left rather when I realized that he and I had different dreams and views on life I promised myself to never use the L word ever again. He is an incredible man to someone else perhaps that is why he fell short of my expectations because even at his best he openly admitted that he never felt like he quite deserved me. So if he is out there and happens to read this, thank you, you were right and damn right you are welcome. I was taught to leave people better if not bigger than I met them. So if you failed that's entirely on you.

Imagine myself inlove? You are asking me to betray my heart and be vulnerable. Fine. First of all, I am a free spirit. As long as it is not illegal rather incriminating because I don't believe in following any rules other than common sense I am all in.I am old fashioned at heart. I do believe in love at first sight. When you know you know. No matter how amazing you are to those around you only the one for you can see past the show you are always putting on without having to say a word. I believe that true love can conquer it all even death. Stuck in a world where society is consumed with titles and material achievements my heart is slowly giving up. Witnessing loveless marriages where the two can't even be friends or respect each other in public. 

The one for me is out there. Trying to convince himself  that he is happy and that this will work out. I can almost picture that "delusional man" changing everything about himself that makes him exceptional for her to fall helplessly for his lost mind *hahahaha that poor girl*.  If that doesn't work he will be forced to take it out on afew other good ladies *I apologize on his behalf* until he hits rock bottom and decides to wait upon God who will lead him to me. Tell me though baibee was all that rejection really necessary? You are one hilarious man wherever you are.That is one of  the questions I am eagerly waiting to ask him while we laugh ...... God needed you sober/mature enough to appreciate his masterpiece. Anyone who chooses to spend the rest of his life with me is a mad man.  The one for me is a gentleman who is very hardworking and takes himself way too seriously (take a chill pill will you). He likes his women the way he likes his drinks strong with a little slap and pinch . Did I mention he is naughty .....(laughing sheepishly). I mean lets not allow all that experience you got out there go to waste .... *wink*... That beautiful beast will be insecure and both his eyes and his body language will be a pleasure to witness.  He is calm, thoughtful , gentle , compassionate yet with a temper (I will love making him mad). He is out there getting his ego stroked with afew lies from people he secretly cant stand and when its late he quietly has conversations in his head cursing them out. He is bipolar but aren't we all indirectly. 

The one am inlove with has to be the missing screw in my head.No we will not finish each others sentences. He will feed off my sarcasm and my opinion will be his aphrodisiac. Its not what I say but rather how .....am cursed with such a beautiful gift .....My presence will be enough to cause him to change from ordinary to extraordinary. To everyone else he is superman because they are always in need of saving but am the only one  who knows his true identity.  Clark Kent is sexy.That man can gerrit ... all of it .... Everything I need to know about him he already is giving it away with a simple stare .....

I hope you read this as you are preparing to go make yet another beautiful mistake responsibly or later on when she proves to be good from far but far from good. May it ignite a fire in your soul only my heart can put out. I am everything you have been praying for and much more. When you meet me your heart will let you know that there is something familiar about  me yet so refreshingly different.

Until then my scrumptious beast of a man, am off to get afew stories of my own after all life has to go on with or without you in the picture and that is my #RealityCheck

Darling,....... no its not a man

Happy New Month Checkmates. As always a toast to new beginnings, friendships and levels of blessings *cheers*. There is nothing wrong with enjoying material things but being materialistic is another ballgame. I hate compliments because most of them are based on how you look and not who you are as a person.I am yet to meet someone who wants to get to know me genuinely.

People who know me celebrate how far God has brought me while people who don't know me assume it's a man behind all this. First of all who is this invisible man? Don't get me excited for nothing child. I have heard this bullshit over and over again to a point I have to educate rather correct hypocrisy because it's selective. You are glowing .... whatever that man is doing let him not stop. No I will not lie and say am glowing from drinking eight glasses of water and working out. If am being honest someone spiked my water and I believe her aim was to make me look like a toad. She reminded me of Margaret Thatcher that if they attack you personally it means they have not a single political argument left.

A while back I posted that I had hormonal imbalance because I thought my body was reacting differently to something I ate. Whatever substance was used to spike my water was pretty good I have to admit because it took me almost three months to get me here ... glowing ... so thank you bitterness... see I would call you sweetness but we both know you leak of bile. Sometimes a low blow is a blessing because it keeps you focused and prepared for anything.

You think my eyes dance when I am smitten, baibee , you should see me when I am dismissed and considered a write-off . God has had to break, shake me up and polish me for such a time as this. I like who I have become and am becoming each passing day. The old me needed validation but now as long as I have a voice and use it to uplift others that is more than enough.

Darling,........ no its not a man. Speaking of a man in the words of Steve Harvey you have to let a man see what he can get but you have to make him imagine what he can have. I am meanwhile working on myself before I can let him see what he can get. What am I giving in the first place? Now that is a good #RealityCheck

Bits of me

The one thing that people don't know about me is that I love cooking. This is not a common Kenyan girl thing or a tribe to be specific a Kikuyu traditional thing that a woman's place is in the kitchen. Believe it or not, I love being in the kitchen alone. Cooking is an art just like making love. Listen, for those of you who are rolling their eyes and thinking what is this lady talking about? Stop that. Quit fooling around and searching for the quick "fixes" and please allow me help save that little dignity left in you. That's the good news . The bad news is after reading this you might have to give up your old habits *sorry*.

I read something interesting about myself rather my star Aquarius. Am not a professional but cooking is like being in a committed relationship. None of them has ego problems and they both are ready to submit to each other both emotionally and physically with such a romance that is even envied by the angels of heaven...... Ask Oracle

You don't want to prepare a meal just because you can but because you want to. Like romance there has to be foreplay..... you have already pictured the end result which gives you total satisfaction but the process leaves you tired, sweaty yet excited for more perfection because at that particular moment you own it all ..... you are in your element...... a student turned master .... a goddess . You don't need to measure any amount of water if any or taste to know if the spices or salt is just right ....you already know

When I cook it gives me so much joy knowing that I am serving from the heart because in my mind I have envisioned that I am cooking for the love of my life. Please note this is all in my mind and that the only thing that is real is my cooking *try and keep up* where were we, oh yes,  he has just invited me over and after playing hard to get for several months I finally give in. I come looking like dessert but first thing first I change into something more comfortable..... his official shirt *to make him believe am in charge* and socks on.... Good food, good God let's eat ....

Have yourselves a #RealityCheck Checkmates.

When your mind is set to "explore"

It's hard saying no to your body when your mind is set to "explore". If only life was this simple. Where I would walk up to my "to do list" line of men and handle that shamelessly. The friends with benefits sounds amazing only that the lady always ends up hurt directly or indirectly.  Act like a lady, think like a man was a good movie but then again this is real life. How do you play a gentleman in a man's world isn't that setting yourself up for not just failure bur epic failure?

Being a lady is hard. Having to walk away from something you want at that particular moment shows how self disciplined one is. Ask any woman. Sometimes you want to be normal but deep down its a struggle coz the only normal thing about you is your humility. A woman with high standards is her own biggest challenge.

Horacio Jones says," I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person,  you are competing with my comfort zones." I may come off boring judging by the way I choose to present myself to you but if you can assure my comfort zone that my dignity will still be intact by the time you get to know the real me perhaps am everything you have been praying for.

See not all that glitters is gold. Only few land the real deal simply because pressure creates diamonds.  Fire refines gold. Let me just serve you that simple #RealityCheck checkmates.

And on a Monday

Oh it feels good to be wanted...... and on a Monday!  Most people hate having to do anything constructive after the weekend whether it was epic or just a stay at home lazy and cheat on your diet kind of thing. Not me though. I love Mondays. That's when everyone else is in a bad mood and am just there taking in the real them *am the worst I know*.

I will quote my bestfriend seeing as tomorrow is her birthday...... ,"Don't ever be afraid of asking for what you really want". Only my bestfriend knows the real me. I am the selfless kind who robs herself to build others up. Am not too proud to ask for help but I just don't know how to ask.

Sometimes I don't want to blog. I just want to copy paste the character of an aquarius woman and call it a day. Most of the time am like what's the fucking need though *middle finger in the air* ✌.

You know how on social media you post something stupid hoping no one reads it and they end up surprising you. Today was that day. Part of me is cheering it on like stalk on sir while the inner shy me is slowly building up walls. Like what the actual fuck ..... you are scaring me. I overthink and over question everything. I talk myself into a situation and at the same time talk myself out of it. Anything to get you to give up.

Today I understood why after having waited for so long for the right man, anyone would settle for Mr making an effort. Unlike Mr right, this gentleman serves you a #RealityCheck..... He is there cracking jokes that Mr right should be in your head and making you feel all sorts of electrifying giddiness *goddamn it stop that* . You know how they say it's lonely at the top? It's lonely everywhere especially if your heart is still searching and knows what it wants is still very much so out there.

It feels good to be wanted and there is nothing wrong with a little attention rather encouragement along the way but focus on the prize ahead. That's my Man...day..... Get it!?