Happy Birthday

We are living in an era where waiting is a luxury and most people cannot afford it. I mean, why wait when you can make things happen. After all, God will bless the work of my hands, right? Allow me to share my hero with you.

When my parents were just new in this whole marriage experience and commitment, they had no idea of what to expect. Nine months later, they found out that their lives were no longer just bond by their love. A miracle from heaven was in their arms and her smile changed everything that they thought would be hard was erased by just one golden cry,look and  hug. On this day years back my big sister decided to tighten their love and then henceforth they became a family.

I am so proud to call you my big sister and friend although don't expect me to open up about everything after all you need you to let me grow up on my own but so far you have been a blessing.Today being thanksgiving day I have so much to be grateful for and more especially you so I raise a glass to toast to God for bringing his very own angel to come watch over us in person.

What do you give someone who has it all?  You pray  for them, be the best you can to make them proud and you love them with everything in you.I love you and no matter how many times we will ever disagree you can forever count on me.I can never repay you so instead I will allow God repay you on my behalf. May He breathe love, presidential favor,health, wealth,abundance in your life and everything you love.

Your humility and beautiful heart speaks of grace. Happy Birthday birthday and may everything you have planted, you get to harvest it a thousand-fold . May your cup overflow and may God smile down on you this beautiful day and season. May He overwhelm your heart.

Today, you serve as my #RealityCheck

I hit a dead end

I don't know how many people will relate to this blog but this much I am sure, I must share my truth as it is everything inclusive of what I have to offer.

This happened to me the other day and I must admit it scared me. For a minute I had to calm myself down and play back everything I have done and every decision I have ever made to confirm if I am still a good person.

Have you ever been desperate? That day, I hit a dead end.

There are two types of people as I have come to understand. Those who rely on help and those who do it themselves. When you are used to having others say put in a good word for you or make that call on your behalf, that doesn't make you a bad person. Perhaps and please don't get me wrong, you don't have that push in you to do it yourself to begin with but that doesn't mean you don't have it in you to turn things magical.

The other kind of people who for some weird reason freak me out , is my kind. The ones who wake up and do it with no expectations but determination to just try. Have you ever met someone who is so confidently wrong yet they are right? You always find such people smiling.

We all have the same intentions so I have discovered. It's how you go about it that makes you stand out! My point of desperation is this. When you are created to allowing help it makes it hard to step out and do it yourself and when you are created to go get it, it makes it hard to accept help. The day any of the these two will try and do the opposite it will leave your nervous system confused and afraid.

Take it from me, you will fail miserably at it.

If you are going to step out or accept help, you must be willing to put in more time than once. Is it worth it? Do you have such luxury of time to do it?

I don't know about you, but I will continue to scare myself. How often do I scare myself you might ask? All the time *laughing sheepishly* . That's how I started this blog in the first place.

So do it especially if it scares you, because you will give your absolute best when fear is involved.  Let that be your #RealityCheck

You will......

Childhood trauma. That’s the description I was looking for. We all suffer from this. Mine is this. If I am not needed then I am not loved.

So I took time off everyone else after a very bad breakup which led to depression and I turned something hurtful to something meaningful . I decided that despite the fact that nothing made sense, I would make sense. If nothing else mattered, I would matter. So I accepted that number one, I wasn’t what he wanted or needed. My mission rather my role in his life was over. Here is the thing about pain, it doesn’t matter if you have a PHD or certificate level of education. At one point in your entire life, you will have to go through it. It doesn’t mean you are dumb enough to fall for it but actually smart enough to learn from it.

I took time.

I gave myself space. 

If you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, it was yours to keep. We all want to hear and believe that. But what if it never comes back? Not many people talk about it not working out when you sat there and waited. When you whispered a prayer and shed a tear or two hoping the good Lord would turn things around. Was it your fault? Did you give it your all? Was there anything left to say or do? But most importantly, did the one thing you felt deeply about, want you back? Damn! I never thought of it that way.

You have to be the thing you are asking for. Praying for. Waiting on. If you want love,be love. Date yourself. Take yourself out. Treat yourself the way you wish for someone or others to and I promise you, in becoming that, you will find yourself wanting more that what you eventually hoped for. Did you read that right? You will find yourself!!!! You will......

You have been looking for yourself all this while. That's the key to all this. It's not what they say or how they act around you that will determine how open you will become but rather how you act and say will let them know what and how to expect it. *takes a moment*  That was deep.

So the next time , oh, there will always be a next time.....in the wise words of Songs of Solomon 8:4 Daughters of Jerusalem,  I charge you , do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. 

Why?

Because you will have overcome your childhood trauma.

It wasn't your fault. Forgive they that hurt you.  And most importantly forgive yourself. 

It's time to let go and use your pain to inspire others and yourself by allowing it to be a stepping stone.

When your heart is ready, it will beat and love again as if it never broke or hurt. You will fall madly, deeply and wisely inlove though this time, you will have learnt to love yourself first and be okay with any outcome it brings your way.

Happy November checkmates ❤

Greatness in advance

There are days I am tired of trying to figure life out . Today is one of those days. I just want life to figure me out. I am inbetween now and what next. I am doing everything under patience and within grace to get to the other side. Do I crawl, walk, run or fly there? I am having a silly moment.  A silly moment to me is when I want to worry but it's beyond me. There is nothing more I can do. That's one feeling I resent the most. Having to do nothing.

Why?

My entire life has always been about having to do something. Not having to worry is scary.  My system is already used to the pressure of overworking, over thinking and over worrying.  Stay calm?

What is that?

I am worried that I am no longer worried. I literally don't care and I say that with a whisper as I am out of breath saying it. I am free of myself and not having to look or dissect a past situation over and over again no longer brings pleasure to my imagination.

Right now, ..........

I don't know. I know what next has instored for me. This is all new. I am used to new environments, people and whatever life has ever offered and is yet to offer me but a new peace of mind and mentality where I get to either do it or leave it and not have to think twice about the before or after, that's a whole different new.

In a strange way, I have conquered my mind and freed it from myself and the world. I don't know if anyone else has been here or is headed there. So, I want to make a toast to everyone who is inbetween now and what next in life ....... may this "confusion" clarity lead to greatness in advance baibee.

Cheers!!!

Afraid yet bold enough to pen this

It’s as if he can read my mind. Am taken aback. I always go fearlessly for what I go for and speak my mind freely without regrets or facts of it being right or wrong. If it crosses my mind you better believe it is true.

He scares me. If you know me well enough you know that I am only afraid of God and what He has planned unpredictably for me. As I write this my heart is pounding like I am on an African safari. It’s like I have come face to face with a predator not to insinuate that my life is in danger though.

I can’t explain how terrified I am but it is nothing to be bothered with but not being control of my emotions is making my heart skip a beat.

I am so used to being incharge that I feel all over with my mind. I want to run away but I can’t. Not that am not usually vulnerable but it is like he wants me to bare my soul out. He expects it. He secretly craves and demands it. His soul is so sure of itself and mine that his eyes all I can read and see from them is this: I will choose you. Try me and see if I won’t choose you!

I wear disappointments beautifully. It is the scarf that keep my I told you so away with the confidence of you shouldn’t even bother. I am so used to walking away. So why am I stopping now. You can’t humiliate me more that I have been doing most of my life. This is the one thing I am really good at. No one should ever say or write that but this is in some truth someone ones #RealityCheck

What I really want is for him to turn around and walk away. Let me dream and fantasize you being here rather than actually sticking around. I have so much to offer not only you but your world and mine. The rest of the world is simple but the two of us separately yet together are so complicated.

Again, why is he here? Why are you here? Look what you made me do. Be so lost yet I had it all figured out. You have rendered me speechless and my mind blank. I am naked yet clothed. Speechless yet witty. Afraid yet bold enough to pen this down.

You are a beautiful man with a beautiful mind. God, I wish that was true. I don’t know you. The yesterday me would have loved to unwrap every package that comes with you but today I am like a dried up leaf just blowing away.

Why do you want to make sense when mystery shouldn’t be defined. I am not a cave to explore because if I were I would have drowned you. You knew I would write this before I even did. You don’t see me the way I wish to be seen. You are whispering to my mind with your curiosity, gently caressing my fingers with your anticipation and quenching my inspiration with your silence.

You don’t see me. You feel me. I can feel you right back. That’s is what I am afraid of. Our souls know each other even without words. This is madness..... science fiction.

What do you want to DO?

I don't get to choose when I want to blog because it is who I am. Why did I start blogging? Do you want the raw truth or polished version of it? I got fed up of watching and having mediocre applauded and accepted as the truth. That is the polished part of it. The raw truth is that I got tired of having so much to say and not sharing it with like minded people in the hope of changing the norm to spectacular.

I owe it to my parents for having sacrificed so much of themselves not for me to obtain, attain and maintain a certain level of power where am untouchable but be so touchable by obtaining,  attaining and maintaining the integrity of not only knowing and doing better but also becoming better. We all serve a merciful and gracious God. Notice how we are blessed differently because we each own unique gifts.

Let us not judge one another based on our up bringing. Some of you got a head start in life and it is not your fault while the rest of us had a late start which again is not our fault. What matters is that we are all here now. What are you bringing to the table?  I will use myself as an example. There are certain situations I am faced with sometimes and I think to myself like am I really ready? I look back at old lessons and I laugh at myself hard and out loud. If my old mentality could tackle this now, man I would be screwed if not sued.

There are certain places where only God can take you. Sure you know someone but the thing with us human beings is that we always want recognition. Directly and indirectly. Everyone is out there to get theirs. Again, there is nothing wrong with that but if others will question your motives and intentions that is where you have a quick board meeting with yourself and be like , the idea was cute but the execution will only bite you in your aśś. Stop! Come on, stop it!!!

I had set myself back because where God is taking me I didn't agree with out of fear. I am not eloquent enough. I don't look a certain way. I don't have it like that. Excuses. The villager in me was so afraid of succeeding because I had found comfort in lacking and failing. This is not for me. It's for a certain club. I was such a fool. At one point in life dear reader am certain you have used one of the above excuses or even worse to eliminate yourself from achieving desired goals.

We are so afraid of sharing our failures and achievements because we assume that others will not understand. This is my personal take on that others bullshit unless I know your story and I can actually say your name, to me , you don't exist. Unless your name is God please, don't waste my time because you can neither the sun nor the moon.Child, you are not the sky high above. Unless you are selling lives.....well, are you? So your human as well? Am merely stating facts!

I share this and more to come because growing up writing gave me an escape and empowered me. I dreamt more and imagined the world for myself. This is not for everyone but for someone somewhere who needed a reminder of what used to be, is and yet to come. You are not crazy nor alone in thinking there is a better life out there for you. If you are brave enough to believe it, then it exists. Don't give up on yourself. Don't beat yourself down. No more don'ts.  It's time for a new do.

So, what do you want to DO? 

That's a perfect #RealityCheck

Saturday Series

Everyone deserves the kind of relationship my parents have. I have watched The Notebook time and again but in my humble opinion I believe my parents have figured and conquered true love. In a world where majority of the people are working smart and not hard, this blog will only speak to old fashioned souls.

I have had my share of Google to research on relationships but it only leaves my mind more confused and heart convinced that am all alone in this. I am in this world but I am not of this world. My body is here physically but I can't tell you want goes on in real life. I am here but I am not there.

I tend to overworry sometimes which is wrong. My work is to enjoy the life I am blessed with each passing day. Whatever happens tomorrow will happen but not today or this very minute. That's where most of us brilliant human beings especially ladies go wrong. How we allow past disappointments draw us to this insane conclusion, "It won't work out". With such an approach and negativity ofcourse it won't.  So I will be the first to admit I have been wrong for doing everything I am supposed to do right yet walking with doubt in my mind. My heart knows the truth, it always has but my mind is tired of having to keep believe it will work out someday.

Someday huh!?

Why not today?

Simple, just because you have rather get a dream, you just don't go to sleep and wake up the next day the CEO. You need training and experience and guidance to get you there. So to my soulmate out there, today I woke up missing you. I ate, drunk and if I had extra I would go shopping. I don't know what tomorrow holds who knows I could wake up not liking you or replacing you with some available eye candy 😆. My point is, until the day whatever magic that lies deep within us together happens, I will still have rehearsed conversations, be sarcastic and sadly wait for you.  It's sad because I don't know where I should go wait (laughing hysterically).

All I know is that it will feel like a Saturday Series when we meet. It's like we have know each other our entire lives and we are just catching up and somehow magically, it's no longer a wait but a reality. We will be each others #RealityCheck