Sometimes, tears help to clear my vision. I don't just write to become another writer or blogger. I share my experience(s) in the hope of someone somewhere, not making the same mistake (s). That's one way of learning. I have shared afew good blogs but this is not only personal as so are the rest but this one, ..........
Before things get better, they become worse!
That's how my story seems to unfold atleast after those six painful years. Some days I fasted and when reality overwhelmed my faith, I just wanted to eat my heart out. Sadly, the more I ate, the thinner I became. How could I gain weight as I lacked sleep, was miserable and very unhappy. I am good at hiding my pain. No one but my bestfriend knew as sometimes I called her in the middle of the day broken some more in the washroom where later I would leave feeling energized and ready to face life.
Something beautifully bad happened. Another disappointment. So shortlived. I was sure that was God. Was that God? In all honesty, that was me trying to help out God. I got impatient. So he gave me patience the rough way. Oh, I changed, have changed and will continue changing.
Later that year, I decided to have a heart to heart talk with God. So I wrote him a letter. When you want something bad enough, you will draw strength from people's stories and testimonies. You will actually find yourself doing what they did. Does it work? Sometimes. What matters is where you place your hope and believe in. Then in some weird way, your energy will start engaging the very same thing you are after. It's not a one day or week thing so, how badly do you want it again? That's how much more time and dedication it will require.
If this is your first time reading my blog, hello there, my name is Njeri but I prefer the way I say it as opposed to how you will pronounce it. I introduce myself as if am a "This Is It Moment." Take me or leave me. You have heard of reality, right? Pleasure to meet you because am it.
I know God answers prayers but at that particular moment I needed to be sure. So I wrote God an honest prayer. I bared my soul out. Then wrote the qualities Boaz; the man I wanted. He has to be taller than me with heels on. I went ahead and quoted Ruth 2:1 a mighty man of wealth. A gentleman,a legible bachelor and not a married man. A man who will understand my relationship with God and the gifts He has placed inside me. I don't want a man with kids or baby mama drama. God give me a male version of myself. If not give me a man who has been everywhere and is now ready for me in his life. A man who will give me romance and passion. The one I can't live without. My soulmate. The list went on and got more detailed in ways I can't share or remember. If such a man doesn't exist, why do I walk around feeling like he does? If no man will have me, you can send my guardian angel in a handsome male form as he already knows me. I promise to stay celibate until marriage. That is how I would know he is the one. Besides they say the third time's a charm.
I love love. I am a hopeless romantic. I live for pick up lines, corny and cheesy ones. I pretend to dislike thoughtful gestures like receiving roses, chocolates, PDA, cute nicknames though deep down that's all I want and imagine every single time I meet a man I like. How often do I meet a man I like? Twice a decade if am lucky.
That December, I purchased afew magazines for my bestfriend as she loves fashion trends and staying motivated by reading factual stories of real men and women. I on the other hand love cars and live in my own world where I laugh at facts and live to prove them wrong. We balance out each other. That's what I respect and like about our friendship. She is the sane one while I take so much pride in being the insane one. She has a way of putting others to ease while I have a way of making everyone uncomfortable with my sarcastic remarks. We have different struggles individually though we always find ways to encourage one another and somehow laugh at ourselves.
In the middle of one of those low days, she sends me a text. There is this guy..... I didn't respond. I let out a sigh and immediately cried. God, is my life this pathetic that my single friend has to burden herself with my problems. As I turned and watched myself in the mirror the crying came to an end. Expectations vs reality. Good God am ugly when I cry. That's why the crying stopped. I scared myself. Then I started laughing. I gathered enough courage to reread the text again and thought to myself it can't be that bad. It must be Tyrese. I was obsessed with his music and the way he spoke about his love for God, you wouldn't blame me. Was he finally coming to Kenya? Being a video vixen was definitely out of the question as the only curve on my body is my neck. Seriously, I am built like a Ga Noi chicken breed (why me Lord, why?) . Am practically a utility pole. Long story short, am bohemian.
The following year, I traced this son of a woman everywhere on social media and dove into his DM. Before interacting with him, he already had half the credentials I was looking for in my letter to God. That's when I went and tore the letter. I was going to like this one. My friend already approved him as opposed to my previous mistake of a man and I use that term man very lightly as his actions read of that of a young immature teenage boy. The second time we texted, I felt something. Or perhaps celibacy brought forth a hot flash of thirst in me.I had never come across a gentleman like him before. Atleast thats how they all start out. He was different. I felt different. I didn't sleep that night. Envisioning him saying to me what he had texted with a deep voice and proper grammar. The villager in me giggled. That's when it dawned on, I really liked this one.
I needed more information. More conversation. More of him basically. Who hurt this man? I wanted to know her and go thank her in person. There is a God!!! As I sat there and pretended to feel his pain, deep down I was hopefully that life would look up. In my mind I was singing ... I want yo' body, need yo' body, long as you got me, you won't need nobody .....
Don't you dare judge me.
I kept our conversations clean so he got bored. That's what I told myself. I even gave him my number but he never called. I finally gave up. Okay, he stopped texting back. So I had no choice but to stop texting. Not the usual ranting these young hormonal girls do it.... whatever I didn't even like you .... No! When you are in the presence of a gentleman especially one who was "vunrable" to let me in somehow, you conduct yourself in a lady like manner. Don't just tell him there are good ladies out there, show him by rising to the occasion and leaving like one. Make it look amicable.
Two months to Christmas, we decided to have a girls night out. Thank God I was buried in work so I never used to think about my mystery man. My only regret was not getting to meet him in person. I always told myself if I ever did, I would say hi to him in Kikuyu.
