It’s who I am

You only get in life what you ask for. DM to me means Dive Men lol 😂. Take as many respectful risks as you can. It’s like applying for a job. Try your luck anywhere and everyone. Sometimes we worry over things that are temporary. We were created to live and enjoy life.

Don’t be too wrapped up chasing career only to look up and life passed you by. You wonder where and what happened. Your happiness should equally be a priority. What’s the need of having all that if you can’t enjoy it? I had lost that part of me. My season has just begun baibèé 💜

I lost my friend in October. He was brought into my life when I went through a very dark time in my life. I never took him for granted. He always used to share with me how he lived his life. Everytime I would miss him, I recalled his words, hey don’t feel sorry for me, I lived.

That’s why I always extend a hand even when no one asks because someone was there for me. I am carrying forward the kindness. I know what’s it’s like to be alone and have people you know/knew turn they back on you. God will bring people in your life to help you overcome pain.

Sometimes hurt people will recognizes pain even in a room full of celebration. You don’t need to explain, they can see it. So no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t care or not to care, I care even more. It’s who I am. Someone planted that seed of kindness in me.

Someone saw the pain masked behind the brave face. They taught me that’s it’s okay to hurt. Pain is strength camouflaged as cowardice. Not because they feel sorry for you but they see the silent fight and hidden struggles to hold on. They see your light. Don’t dim it.

And so, no one is feeling sorry for you. As long as you have life in you, live and live it well. Make as many memories as you can. Laugh until your head spins and love even with broken pieces. There are angels watching over you, us all so #LetsFallInLove   Let’s 💜baibèé

Until then hun

I have watched wealthy people die and there was nothing that wealth would have done to offer them a spare life or soul. The same with poor people. What they had in common was this, a fair chance to love. I will always go where my heart takes me. I will explore all possibilities.

If it’s up the mountains, watch me hike, low in the valley watch me crawl. As long as I have breath in me and a heart that beats, I will love as if it’s my first time. As if it has never loved anyone else. Who? I don’t remember. I am focused on now and this very moment.

I want to be remembered as the lady who took chances and loved. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be real. I have always wanted to meet my soulmate which I did so now am good to go. What’s next? Meeting my husband and settling down.

Something tells me I have never met him. If I did, I would have settled down right there and then. It’s like men who live with women but never want to marry them. They just know. That’s how I know I have never met my husband. Just amazing men who weren’t the one for me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. When you know it’s loud and clear. You know it without any questions and doubt. You always have those silent days where you realize damn, that’s why. Fuck!!! I just had a déjà vu. I saw myself write this years ago. I know what happens.I hate such moments when am sure. It’s a gift I struggle with. But not anymore lol 😂. My heart won’t rest until I meet my husband. I don’t know his name that’s why am referring to him as my husband. He is like a maze. If I would walk in a room and he was there, our hearts would beat as one. Only he and I would know. He has a bubbly personality rather character and when he is really happy, he has this ballroom dance. If you have ever watched Mr. Right, he has that way about him that I can’t explain. He is me perfect. He is not what I go for, he is better.

Thinking about him leaves me smiling. Am actually laughing 😂. He has his way about him that gets me. I don’t know who or where he is but I thank God for him. Am a selfish and needy lover so I will keep him to myself when I meet him. Until then hun #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

To calm me, us down

People only want to give you what’s left of them. The broken pieces for you to figure it out or fix it. Others want to hide their brokenness because they are afraid if they show you their scars, you might withdraw your loyalty and love. I am saving my best side for you.

My dear husband, I don’t know who you are or if we have ever met. For now that’s not up to me. How I value you and who you are is my greatest desire. I have been in vulnerable situations but they were all preparing me for what’s to come when it comes to you. To us.

I don’t just want to go on dates with you, I want to spend the rest of my life going on dates with you. Everything else about me might be off but always know my heart will always do and be right by you. By us. I have to get used to saying that. You and us.

I might just be overwhelmed when I meet you so allow me to share my pre feelings as I await our first hello. I only have one expectation. For my heart to recognize you even in the midst of all this confusion. For your heart to bring clarity and for this to make sense.

Listen, I only know how to be a daughter, sister, Bestfriend and girlfriend. I know how to love and serve. I don’t know how to be a fiancée leave alone a wife!!! Take it easy on me. You will have to teach me and us as you take the lead in this. I trust you with my heart.

 I have watched people fall in and out of love. We won’t be exceptional or special. All I know is you, we,will be worth it. I want to stop writing and run away but I read that if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. Am out here cursing with middle fingers up. Then I quickly remind my fears and doubt that’s how I felt the first time being someone’s bestfriend and girlfriend. It was terrifying. Now look at me, getting the hang of being a loyal bestfriend. I didn’t hack being the worlds best girlfriend yet I tried. I have experience and so much love to give. 

Oh men, this is crazy. 

So much so that I feel like am loosing my goddamn mind. I will have such times even beingn your wife. FUCK!!! The nerves are kicking in. That’s where you come in sweetheart. To calm me, us down as we learn #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

I trust my value in your life.

I understand when you do that, it’s out of your own insecurity to test me and see if I will be jealous. You want to see how I will conduct and handle the situation. Please understand am not the jealous kind yet someone before you left a scar there. It woke that insecurity in me.

Am torn between the past me because it brought back an old wound. I promised myself to always put myself first even if that means loving you enough to leave. Again that’s fear from past misunderstandings creeping in. You didn’t cause that bruise yet your actions remind me of it.

I want the best for me and in this case, you bring out the best in me. You are part of my happiness. I am torn enough to admit, realize and want to stay. I have shown you my vulnerability, so tell me babyboy, who left and what has brought back that insecurity in you? It was others before me. It’s not Njeri.

Our connection is deep enough for me to not just ignore this or downplay it. Why do you feel the need to test me? Did I behave in a manner that left you to question me or is simply because you are afraid you love me too much it’s starting to show? You want to feel like your old self again. You are incharge. In total control. I understand because I have been there as well. That's what happens when you fall inlove. You want to take some of it back.  You want to preserve and reserve yourself. How can I have and hold such a place in your heart? Perhaps it wasn’t your intention to fall but it scares you because you have been vulnerable before and it left scars on you again. Like me, you promised to put yourself first. To keep it polite and moving.

I trust you enough to know if you wanted them, you would easily access that and so much more. I am humble enough to accept your hearts decision in choosing me. 

I trust my value in your life. 

This has made me respect you more 😘. 

I am here to stay #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

No one is judging lol 😂

Am in a very good mood. It’s Saturday night. The loneliness has started to creep in and familiar habits are starting to arrive to your pity party. Let’s walk down memory lane. Right before you make that late phone call for a quick chat or entertainment for those desperate enough only tonight you have embraced your truth. It’s not a mistake but you have this arrangement. The silence of the night is not helping. You need action. You figure you have been good for a while but tonight you could sure use some company. Free or paid for. 

No one is judging lol 😂

Before “they” arrive, let’s go back to when you were really inlove. Not now when you have to keep convincing yourself you made the right choice but that one lady/gentleman you had it bad for. They were your world. Everything was about and around them. Until you broke up. Oh yeah!

When was the last time you looked someone deep in their eyes and told them that you were inlove with them. Your body doing the most shaking with excitement, anticipation and a little fear of them not saying it back or feeling the same way? I will go first ladies and gentlemen, I haven’t said it in a while. There is difference between loving someone and being inlove with someone. How about you? Anyway, back to the past. You recall the person whose opinion mattered the most? You felt and told yourself they understood you in ways no one else did. So you loved unselfishly. You gave all you could and even went further and offered more. You felt it was your obligation to be faithful, loyal and be their biggest fan if not source of inspiration. Forget how things ended between the two of you and allow me to ask you this, “Looking back at your love with the ups and downs, do you think life would have been different if the two of you ended up together?” I loved him but not enough to see a future with him. That’s the thing with love, when you have given all you can, the next thing that follows is walking out.

Looking back, there was nothing else left to do. Perhaps having invested years of knowing each other we should still be friends but sometimes certain ends are for the best. They don’t make sense then but now looking back, you do it with gratitude and humility. It was necessary.

I just thought I would share that. You can go back to your usual routine. For those of you who don’t like labels lol 😂 hook up. If you ever bump into your past and you don’t turn to see if they are checking you out, you are completely over them #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Hear me out

What I have come to understand about God, when He wants to separate you, He doesn’t do it with a loving slap on the wrist lol 😂. He ensures it hits you where it hurts the most so that when you try and mend it, there is no looking back. You are DONE DONE!!! 

Hear me out. Walk with me down memory lane or ever since the pandemic for those of you late hurts lol 😆. Welcome. Join us. It’s just dawning on you that they don’t like you like that huh! Oh well, such is life. The rest of us have been wearing such scars beautifully so will you.

OMG 😱 are you crying? Not to sound insensitive but ama need you to stop! Stop right there. I assure you sweetheart by the time God is done, those I pity myself tears will have dried out. If you start talking about something that hurt you and don’t begin with I THANK GOD, He is not done. He needs you to get to a place from where the old you would have kissed and made up to they better not try that bullshit with me. He is breaking old cycles where they had mastered how to manipulate your kindness and naivety and harden you for tougher times ahead.

So calm down and put that matchstick down. You are certainly not setting anything on fire  🔥. Not on Gods watch darling. It feels like death but thats how refining works. The latter you will be happier than the former you. They couldn’t have handled your new success. Trust me!!!

If am lying and you think am wrong or making this shit up, how many people since the hurt have reached out? *crickets* awkward silence. Zero. None. Again, convince me how miserable you are without them 😏😏😏

It’s time to break up with what God has already set on fire 🔥. I like barbecue so unless it’s that kind of smoke going up and out, that other trash burning should be a sign already. Let it go. Let it because it will be worth it in the end #LetsFallInLove  Let’s 💜 baibèé

you can almost taste his words

There are so many layers to this handsome man. There is more to him than what meets the naked eye. You could spend an eternity with him and only realize you only discovered one layer to him. The deeper you get to understand him, the sweeter and sensitive he becomes. He is a fish.

Many ladies have tried. Some pulling the victim card to wheel him in as they know he is such a gentleman and gentle soul, caring is part of him. Others have pulled the independent card as they know grown men are drawn to ladies who barely pay attention to them. 

It has worked.

For those few ladies who have earned his trust have tried to mirror him and in thinking it drew them closer, he had them figured out at hello. He is that smart. He knows on his own he is smart but sometimes the surroundings clouds his mind thus leading him to think otherwise.

He has this like hate approach when it comes to me. He likes that am free enough to embrace my gifts and share them out yet hates that he is not part of that. He has been waiting for me to do a piece on him. So today, his wish has been granted. I have known that for a while. So, I call him Mr. Evasive not because he is reckless but he has so much on his plate sometimes it overwhelms him. Yet he is not one to talk leave alone show it. He has mastered how to stay guarded thus the many layers to him. He is very polite and is always wearing a smile on his face.

Don’t let that handsome smile fool you. 

Remember he is a fish. That’s how he uses reverse psychology. He has hidden gifts that I doubt he shares or shows. Him caring is part of his character. Again, don’t let that fool you. That is his strength. He is good at reading your mind.

Oh I should know, I fell prey when I discovered it two weeks later. Not only that but he speaks silence and souls eloquently. His curiosity is what hardens those deeper layers. And when he offers you a conversation, you can almost taste his words. Suddenly, the fish disappears.

He is neither complicated nor easy to crack. He is purely human with his ups and downs. The reason for all these layers is because he has never had anyone see him the way he desires to been seen. Everyone has a system to their madness turned genius. He is no exception. So he runs.

I can blog all day and still not give you conclusive facts about him because he is imperfectly perfect. I am very careful with my words because he is not your typical gentleman. He is an old soul, well mannered and cultured yet has babyboy ways #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

I have been there. That’s how it starts

I see you are troubled and your soul is lost. Even doing the things that looked and felt familiar don’t quite do it. In a room full of people, you are lonely. With a phone full of numbers, you have no one to call. It kills you to know that you see everyone else around you but no one sees you the way you crave to be seen and heard. They listen but they don’t understand. So you start questioning. Is it that you haven’t done or given enough to earn their trust and loyalty or have you changed? There is good and bad news. 

What do you want first?

Good or bad?

The good news is that you have finally realized yourself and your worth. That’s why the familiar isn’t familiar anymore. It no longer serves it’s purpose which brings me to the bad news which are connected. You have outgrown everyone around you. You crave different people and new familiar. That’s why you are questioning yourself and not the people around you? You are the “problem” not them. Those drinking sprees don’t hit you the way they did before. They leave you feeling worse than before. If anything you start questioning your finances. 

Am I lying?

I am blogging because I have been there. That’s how it starts. You still want to maintain the friendships but the more you hang out the less than smart they appear to you. Why would you even say that? When did I become this person? Your purpose separates you from “wrong” crowds.

The more you fight and ignore it the louder the loneliness and confusion kicks in. You are always previously on lost. Those conversations feel old and jokes are outdated. Everything feels dry and you can almost feel the taste of it in your mouth. Your season with them is over.

Happy new month. 

Welcome to October. 

The people around you equally notices you are changing. Then suddenly, you all stop. The conversations die down, the hanging out and your start enjoying your own company and being drawn to certain individuals. But that’s not you, you tell yourself. So you resist the change. Going back is an option so you give it one last try as you fell out and not on a bad note. The awkwardness is mutual. Finally, you accept and it should feel bad. They were your friends. Yet it doesn’t. You feel free. You will find yourself.

As soon as you stop fighting yourself and what you already know deep down. As soon as you step out in faith and embrace your “new” tribe. Do you need to do the extra to get their attention? Finally, no! You just have to be yourself. Relax and #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé