Well, I found it again

October was hard. 

The many times I felt so lost and confused but I kept going. It was a sieving month. Getting a balance of when to lend a hand and when to take a step back. Understanding that there is more to me than what I offer others. I come first. 

Am my own priority.

I can still be of service and embrace being sexy. I have had to tone down that feisty side for so long in a way it led me to lose my aggression arousing doubt. I can’t offer that which I don’t already have so I can’t blog unless I have experienced it. 

Well, I found it again.

I have endured so many fights for a while I shut that side of me out. You are already weird with your talents so the world won’t accept you. I have been waiting with my acceptance speech. I have since burnt it . Belonging sounds cool but very boring. So,the compliments I am looking forward to this November are as follows; 

you have changed and who are you!?. 

To my husband out there, buckle up lol 😂 because yours truly is beyond anything and everything you prayed for. I miss you, I miss us. You lucky man #LetsFallInLove Let’s love baibèé 💜 

It's your right to be happy.

And when it’s my turn to be happy, am not asking you to be happy for me.

If you are going to tell my story, start at the very beginning. Talk of how you lend me a shoulder to cry on from the many disappointments life served me. Tell them of how you called me in the middle of the night to encourage and pray with me if not for me. Tell them of how tired I grew and got yet woke up each day full of life to conquer and expectations. 

Tell them because you were there.

 If you weren’t, don’t pick pages from my story either from where I struggled the most to gain relevance and yet it won’t earn you a paycheck. Or from when things started looking up talking about who swept me off my feet and how unfair life is because finally I got my breakthrough and somehow you didn’t. When that time comes, please take it up with God. He designed this.

When it’s my time to be celebrated, learn that it can easily happen for you as well. We weren’t in competition and if we were, I most certainly wasn’t aware of it. You can’t tear others apart and expect to be applauded when life adds up for you. Hold on,KARMA will fix you baibèé

If you see others happy, let them be. Don’t be focused on others, work on yourself. Hurt people will always find a way to transfer that negative energy to others. It’s not your job to explain or understand them if they are not part of your life. 

It’s your right to be happy.

The day others will put their lives on hold to offer me happiness is the day I will return the favor. You can’t stop time and blessings. You can however learn from both.  It’s so much easier to love as opposed to hating. Ladies and gentlemen #LetsFallInLove Let’s love baibèé 💜

You have always been it

I got this lesson from a gospel song. Sometimes God delays things on purpose to glorify himself. The story of Hannah, it’s not like He didn’t know her hearts desire yet it looked as if He didn’t because He allowed that delay over her life to grant her an extraordinary son.

Delay comes with compensation. He is not holding you back just to land you something you can easily obtained on your own. Oh? God is out here to show off. Another example is Moses. Am sure he felt somehow humiliated in his own flesh way considering he had a stutter.

Am looking at it from the human perspective where greater men perhaps rolled their eyes like are you guys sure God called Moses. I mean this man is flawed. Sometimes, we always look at things from this same sad point of view as we assume if it’s of God it should work IMMEDIATELY!

So do you complain or do you obey and continue with the same energy and attitude even in absence? Long story short, there is nothing wrong with you. You just need to get rid of that victim mentality. Everything is not against you. When is it going to be my turn you keep asking?

Any day now baibèé. Hey, chin up darling. Don’t wrinkle your face with worry.I know it hasn’t been easy watching others and having waited those many years. Can I assure you something though, what is yours will come surpass everything you have ever witnessed and seen with others.

When it’s your season, the fears of getting it too late will be an illusion because it will be at the right time. Some of these people you see out here have been living off and surviving on other peoples favor. You think you don’t have it? Sweetheart, you have always been it.

God has been waiting for you to figure it out. Who you are has and will always be enough. We are all created to handle our lives individually. God knows how to take care of His own. Don’t put your life on hold trying to help others live theirs. Don’t postpone yourself sweetheart.

Jesus was placed on this earth to die for mankind so it’s not your job to save others. Lend a hand where you can sure but sacrifice your God given soul to add more life to another? How? Don’t lie to your mind like that. Live baibèé live. Be unapologetically happy. Lol and love as loud and hard as you want. What do you want? What makes you happy? What gets you to that creative side that makes you unstoppable? What sets your heart on fire? What gets you giddy? When was the last time you lived a day without worrying about others or tomorrow? Think about it.

When did you start allowing worry become your center stage? What or who got you this afraid that you have been holding yourself back hiding and burying yourself with others problems and work? When did you start feeling sorry for yourself? What led to all this? You forgot yourself. That side of you is not attractive. Not cute at all so you need a make over. Ofcourse your not the same person you were before are you kidding me. Your body has changed so let’s start from there. What do you tell yourself everytime you admire yourself in the mirror? Positivity!!!

I know I said long story short which I lied. The same way you have been lying to yourself. You have dragged and prolonged things that don’t serve you life anymore. It’s dumping season. It’s not you it’s me, finally realizing I deserve better. It’s time to choose yourself again 💯

You are going to disappoint afew mosquitoes but if it brings you peace, go for it. Trust you me, the right people will always encourage you to pursue your happiness whatever it is. Get your sparks and life back.That’s #SundaySermon so #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé this November

It’s who I am

You only get in life what you ask for. DM to me means Dive Men lol 😂. Take as many respectful risks as you can. It’s like applying for a job. Try your luck anywhere and everyone. Sometimes we worry over things that are temporary. We were created to live and enjoy life.

Don’t be too wrapped up chasing career only to look up and life passed you by. You wonder where and what happened. Your happiness should equally be a priority. What’s the need of having all that if you can’t enjoy it? I had lost that part of me. My season has just begun baibèé 💜

I lost my friend in October. He was brought into my life when I went through a very dark time in my life. I never took him for granted. He always used to share with me how he lived his life. Everytime I would miss him, I recalled his words, hey don’t feel sorry for me, I lived.

That’s why I always extend a hand even when no one asks because someone was there for me. I am carrying forward the kindness. I know what’s it’s like to be alone and have people you know/knew turn they back on you. God will bring people in your life to help you overcome pain.

Sometimes hurt people will recognizes pain even in a room full of celebration. You don’t need to explain, they can see it. So no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t care or not to care, I care even more. It’s who I am. Someone planted that seed of kindness in me.

Someone saw the pain masked behind the brave face. They taught me that’s it’s okay to hurt. Pain is strength camouflaged as cowardice. Not because they feel sorry for you but they see the silent fight and hidden struggles to hold on. They see your light. Don’t dim it.

And so, no one is feeling sorry for you. As long as you have life in you, live and live it well. Make as many memories as you can. Laugh until your head spins and love even with broken pieces. There are angels watching over you, us all so #LetsFallInLove   Let’s 💜baibèé

Until then hun

I have watched wealthy people die and there was nothing that wealth would have done to offer them a spare life or soul. The same with poor people. What they had in common was this, a fair chance to love. I will always go where my heart takes me. I will explore all possibilities.

If it’s up the mountains, watch me hike, low in the valley watch me crawl. As long as I have breath in me and a heart that beats, I will love as if it’s my first time. As if it has never loved anyone else. Who? I don’t remember. I am focused on now and this very moment.

I want to be remembered as the lady who took chances and loved. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be real. I have always wanted to meet my soulmate which I did so now am good to go. What’s next? Meeting my husband and settling down.

Something tells me I have never met him. If I did, I would have settled down right there and then. It’s like men who live with women but never want to marry them. They just know. That’s how I know I have never met my husband. Just amazing men who weren’t the one for me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. When you know it’s loud and clear. You know it without any questions and doubt. You always have those silent days where you realize damn, that’s why. Fuck!!! I just had a déjà vu. I saw myself write this years ago. I know what happens.I hate such moments when am sure. It’s a gift I struggle with. But not anymore lol 😂. My heart won’t rest until I meet my husband. I don’t know his name that’s why am referring to him as my husband. He is like a maze. If I would walk in a room and he was there, our hearts would beat as one. Only he and I would know. He has a bubbly personality rather character and when he is really happy, he has this ballroom dance. If you have ever watched Mr. Right, he has that way about him that I can’t explain. He is me perfect. He is not what I go for, he is better.

Thinking about him leaves me smiling. Am actually laughing 😂. He has his way about him that gets me. I don’t know who or where he is but I thank God for him. Am a selfish and needy lover so I will keep him to myself when I meet him. Until then hun #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

To calm me, us down

People only want to give you what’s left of them. The broken pieces for you to figure it out or fix it. Others want to hide their brokenness because they are afraid if they show you their scars, you might withdraw your loyalty and love. I am saving my best side for you.

My dear husband, I don’t know who you are or if we have ever met. For now that’s not up to me. How I value you and who you are is my greatest desire. I have been in vulnerable situations but they were all preparing me for what’s to come when it comes to you. To us.

I don’t just want to go on dates with you, I want to spend the rest of my life going on dates with you. Everything else about me might be off but always know my heart will always do and be right by you. By us. I have to get used to saying that. You and us.

I might just be overwhelmed when I meet you so allow me to share my pre feelings as I await our first hello. I only have one expectation. For my heart to recognize you even in the midst of all this confusion. For your heart to bring clarity and for this to make sense.

Listen, I only know how to be a daughter, sister, Bestfriend and girlfriend. I know how to love and serve. I don’t know how to be a fiancée leave alone a wife!!! Take it easy on me. You will have to teach me and us as you take the lead in this. I trust you with my heart.

 I have watched people fall in and out of love. We won’t be exceptional or special. All I know is you, we,will be worth it. I want to stop writing and run away but I read that if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. Am out here cursing with middle fingers up. Then I quickly remind my fears and doubt that’s how I felt the first time being someone’s bestfriend and girlfriend. It was terrifying. Now look at me, getting the hang of being a loyal bestfriend. I didn’t hack being the worlds best girlfriend yet I tried. I have experience and so much love to give. 

Oh men, this is crazy. 

So much so that I feel like am loosing my goddamn mind. I will have such times even beingn your wife. FUCK!!! The nerves are kicking in. That’s where you come in sweetheart. To calm me, us down as we learn #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

I trust my value in your life.

I understand when you do that, it’s out of your own insecurity to test me and see if I will be jealous. You want to see how I will conduct and handle the situation. Please understand am not the jealous kind yet someone before you left a scar there. It woke that insecurity in me.

Am torn between the past me because it brought back an old wound. I promised myself to always put myself first even if that means loving you enough to leave. Again that’s fear from past misunderstandings creeping in. You didn’t cause that bruise yet your actions remind me of it.

I want the best for me and in this case, you bring out the best in me. You are part of my happiness. I am torn enough to admit, realize and want to stay. I have shown you my vulnerability, so tell me babyboy, who left and what has brought back that insecurity in you? It was others before me. It’s not Njeri.

Our connection is deep enough for me to not just ignore this or downplay it. Why do you feel the need to test me? Did I behave in a manner that left you to question me or is simply because you are afraid you love me too much it’s starting to show? You want to feel like your old self again. You are incharge. In total control. I understand because I have been there as well. That's what happens when you fall inlove. You want to take some of it back.  You want to preserve and reserve yourself. How can I have and hold such a place in your heart? Perhaps it wasn’t your intention to fall but it scares you because you have been vulnerable before and it left scars on you again. Like me, you promised to put yourself first. To keep it polite and moving.

I trust you enough to know if you wanted them, you would easily access that and so much more. I am humble enough to accept your hearts decision in choosing me. 

I trust my value in your life. 

This has made me respect you more 😘. 

I am here to stay #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé