Family Reality Check

Family is family regardless of whether you all get along or secretly just want to beat the living foolishness out of them. I am being honest as always.

The first born. The first great love bond of marriage. The expectations and standards set for this child to some extreme is unnecessary. For Christ's sake let this child be a normal kid. They set the pace for not only the ones who follow but if you are keen as I have been is forced to live or achieve what the parents didn't. In the end this child ends up sacrificing his/her life and take on responsibilities that sometimes are far out of their reach.

The second born.  In most cases they hardly ever speak their minds but when they do, oh everyone listens. They are rebellious and rude though they camouflage as being shy. They are in the own world but they notice everything yet say nothing.

The Third, Forth , Fifth and everyone else inbetween . The over achievers. They want it all especially the good but not so much the bad. They sometimes don't know how to get back up and would give anything to trade in the bad with the good.  It's all about the titles, degrees and the best careers. They take life way too seriously it's honestly annoying sometimes.

The last born. They are often misunderstood because no one expects anything from them which is not true. Stubborn as hell but they are the glue of the family. The one everyone else undermines yet has amazing and sound ideas but since they are the babies of the family, what do they know? They are the punching bag when everyone else is having a bad day. They are the ones who secretly fight your battles both physically and spiritually. They take care of everyone else in ways money can't buy like remembering your birthdays, loyal above and beyond even when the beef is long forgotten * for life* , family clowns ....anything to get you laughing again , babysitting. They stay when everyone else leaves.

Family is a puzzle. Everyone has a role to play. Having said that, don't allow your position/role define you. Now here comes the real talk ....Stop painting false pictures of how your family is yet it's the opposite. I would care less if you were raised in a cave or palace ...You were a miscourage away but child you survived. You have made it. Don't sell yourself short. The world has so much to offer each passing day. Don't break a hip or sell a rib *is it even necessary surely* trying to keep up with appearances. It's a process. What one thing means to you means absolutely nothing and everything to someone else. All that matters at the end of the day is that someone can actually vouch that you a good person. 

Enough of trying to fit in and let's start from the family unit. Are you a decent human being ? Do you want to be a better son/daughter/brother/sister/friend? Start by forgiving yourself for neglecting the one person who has been there through the highs and lows .... YOU! Time to put yourself first. You know yourself better than what others see or assume they do. Screw it and screw them. They would and will be very fortunate to have you in their lives. Time to switch them off and switch yourself back on. And that's my #RealityCheck

The little girl in me .....

I stop and think I am so ungrateful. God has brought me such a long way. Knowing how selfless he was to use someone,an angel in disguise help me at my worst. I can never go back to being that person I was before. I have so much to live for compared to where I was before. I may not be doing much but the much am doing should be enough. It has to be. So I sit and weigh my options. So I can try being bad. Give these ratchet ladies a run for their money. Wreck afew homes here and there get to share my lavish lifestyle and hopefully they might leave their wives for me or since God loves sinners I should be married by a decent man as soon as December...... 

Then I get to sit and think of the consequences. What consequences I lived the good life so whatever right? Wrong. I am fed up of being invisible. The good girl who is always going out of her way for men who only respond when it’s convenient. The good girl in me is slowly dying . Sick and tired of having to sit out on life when she feels like her big break is right around the corner. Does anyone hear her cries or are they too busy to realize am tired tonight? She doesn’t want to be brave and cat woman anymore. She wants to be Lois Lane . Where is Superman when you need him? Boaz ,where are you? Where is my And Behold Boaz just then came moment !? The Bible told me. It’s written. He was a mighty man of wealth so why should I settle for a good average man. He blessed her. My version of him is slowly bruising me. Tearing me to pieces with his silence and absence while I sleep every night hoping tomorrow will look up. Until that special day. I would tell the world but no one would believe me.

So I went back on my knees and I broke down to God and asked him to bless me with another man. His angel. I was willing to wait just as long as he came as The One and spoke my lauguage. 2016 was not my year. 2017 is not my year and sure enough I don’t need a year. I just need a day. One day. More than a day, a miracle . Answered prayers. Sometimes you need a word but other times reality. That's what I was granted. That is something that no one can ever take away from me. You don’t stop being you just because the gift is not what you asked for but as long as the giver is alive you simply can’t afford to lose that hope. I serve a higher purpose other than being someone’s significant other or an accomplished business woman. The most important role you will ever play in life is being the best version of yourself to God, family, friends and the rest of the world.

You don’t stop writing. You dont stop living.  You dont stop loving. If anything, you use that rejection and pain to blog and inspire others. This is where I go all crazy and believe that the one for me reads this and understands the lady behind the words. Now I just need you to show your face one day for laugh out moments. By she I mean the little girl in me coz that's my #RealityCheck.

Depression

Let me start off by saying that the saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry , you don't hear , you don't see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies. Nothing is worth it anymore. You have no reason to be alive. You start questioning yourself but most of God. Like how could he allow such a thing happen when he is all knowing and loving. Where is your peace on earth?

You start distancing yourself from family coz if anything you feel like a burden. Such a let down. You stop belonging and feelings of unworthiness creep up. Delusional or not it makes sense at that particular moment.  Disappointments are part of life but every goddamn time feels like a set up for more humiliation. You find solace in isolation. Your life flashes right before your very own eyes and for a quick second it feels like God is calling you home well either that or the devil has a customised shovel with your name on it. You feel owed so heaven must be embracing you.

Just as you are taking your last breath, the light at the end of the tunnel sparkles. Knowing that you get to leave behind the shame and unkept promises for eternal peace is so refreshing. No one will know or miss your presence. Suicidal thoughts but then again you are too tired and defeated by life to end your life. Too messy anyway.

Then suddenly, the last person you expected shows up. A ray of hope. But you have been down this road before of having to fight and believe. Depression to me is when you have done all you can by someone who you thought was equally loyal to you and they betray that trust in ways to recover you have to build yourself up again from scratch. It's the worst feeling in the world.

If no one shows up for you,  allow my heartfelt written words do. I am not asking you to not allow the pain and disappointments overwhelm you already broken pieces but use that to hope for what's lef. There is always something left behind. Ashes after the fire has died out and the smoke has cleared. The beauty in the ashes shows that you left your mark that can never be erased or forgotten. You made a difference.

Now start living for yourself and keep your head held high. You already lost, there is nothing else to lose so play to win. Change your story. Tell your story . Your scars don't make you less but different. Different always stands out. Love like you never lost, believe like you never failed and forgive like you were never wronged. That way you hold and keep the power to be the best you only you know how to be darling.....

Don't stay down. Get up and take one step at a time and I promise you, it will be worth it in the end. And that's my #RealityCheck