Depression

Let me start off by saying that the saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry , you don't hear , you don't see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies. Nothing is worth it anymore. You have no reason to be alive. You start questioning yourself but most of God. Like how could he allow such a thing happen when he is all knowing and loving. Where is your peace on earth?

You start distancing yourself from family coz if anything you feel like a burden. Such a let down. You stop belonging and feelings of unworthiness creep up. Delusional or not it makes sense at that particular moment.  Disappointments are part of life but every goddamn time feels like a set up for more humiliation. You find solace in isolation. Your life flashes right before your very own eyes and for a quick second it feels like God is calling you home well either that or the devil has a customised shovel with your name on it. You feel owed so heaven must be embracing you.

Just as you are taking your last breath, the light at the end of the tunnel sparkles. Knowing that you get to leave behind the shame and unkept promises for eternal peace is so refreshing. No one will know or miss your presence. Suicidal thoughts but then again you are too tired and defeated by life to end your life. Too messy anyway.

Then suddenly, the last person you expected shows up. A ray of hope. But you have been down this road before of having to fight and believe. Depression to me is when you have done all you can by someone who you thought was equally loyal to you and they betray that trust in ways to recover you have to build yourself up again from scratch. It's the worst feeling in the world.

If no one shows up for you,  allow my heartfelt written words do. I am not asking you to not allow the pain and disappointments overwhelm you already broken pieces but use that to hope for what's lef. There is always something left behind. Ashes after the fire has died out and the smoke has cleared. The beauty in the ashes shows that you left your mark that can never be erased or forgotten. You made a difference.

Now start living for yourself and keep your head held high. You already lost, there is nothing else to lose so play to win. Change your story. Tell your story . Your scars don't make you less but different. Different always stands out. Love like you never lost, believe like you never failed and forgive like you were never wronged. That way you hold and keep the power to be the best you only you know how to be darling.....

Don't stay down. Get up and take one step at a time and I promise you, it will be worth it in the end. And that's my #RealityCheck