Greatness in advance

There are days I am tired of trying to figure life out . Today is one of those days. I just want life to figure me out. I am inbetween now and what next. I am doing everything under patience and within grace to get to the other side. Do I crawl, walk, run or fly there? I am having a silly moment.  A silly moment to me is when I want to worry but it's beyond me. There is nothing more I can do. That's one feeling I resent the most. Having to do nothing.

Why?

My entire life has always been about having to do something. Not having to worry is scary.  My system is already used to the pressure of overworking, over thinking and over worrying.  Stay calm?

What is that?

I am worried that I am no longer worried. I literally don't care and I say that with a whisper as I am out of breath saying it. I am free of myself and not having to look or dissect a past situation over and over again no longer brings pleasure to my imagination.

Right now, ..........

I don't know. I know what next has instored for me. This is all new. I am used to new environments, people and whatever life has ever offered and is yet to offer me but a new peace of mind and mentality where I get to either do it or leave it and not have to think twice about the before or after, that's a whole different new.

In a strange way, I have conquered my mind and freed it from myself and the world. I don't know if anyone else has been here or is headed there. So, I want to make a toast to everyone who is inbetween now and what next in life ....... may this "confusion" clarity lead to greatness in advance baibee.

Cheers!!!

Afraid yet bold enough to pen this

It’s as if he can read my mind. Am taken aback. I always go fearlessly for what I go for and speak my mind freely without regrets or facts of it being right or wrong. If it crosses my mind you better believe it is true.

He scares me. If you know me well enough you know that I am only afraid of God and what He has planned unpredictably for me. As I write this my heart is pounding like I am on an African safari. It’s like I have come face to face with a predator not to insinuate that my life is in danger though.

I can’t explain how terrified I am but it is nothing to be bothered with but not being control of my emotions is making my heart skip a beat.

I am so used to being incharge that I feel all over with my mind. I want to run away but I can’t. Not that am not usually vulnerable but it is like he wants me to bare my soul out. He expects it. He secretly craves and demands it. His soul is so sure of itself and mine that his eyes all I can read and see from them is this: I will choose you. Try me and see if I won’t choose you!

I wear disappointments beautifully. It is the scarf that keep my I told you so away with the confidence of you shouldn’t even bother. I am so used to walking away. So why am I stopping now. You can’t humiliate me more that I have been doing most of my life. This is the one thing I am really good at. No one should ever say or write that but this is in some truth someone ones #RealityCheck

What I really want is for him to turn around and walk away. Let me dream and fantasize you being here rather than actually sticking around. I have so much to offer not only you but your world and mine. The rest of the world is simple but the two of us separately yet together are so complicated.

Again, why is he here? Why are you here? Look what you made me do. Be so lost yet I had it all figured out. You have rendered me speechless and my mind blank. I am naked yet clothed. Speechless yet witty. Afraid yet bold enough to pen this down.

You are a beautiful man with a beautiful mind. God, I wish that was true. I don’t know you. The yesterday me would have loved to unwrap every package that comes with you but today I am like a dried up leaf just blowing away.

Why do you want to make sense when mystery shouldn’t be defined. I am not a cave to explore because if I were I would have drowned you. You knew I would write this before I even did. You don’t see me the way I wish to be seen. You are whispering to my mind with your curiosity, gently caressing my fingers with your anticipation and quenching my inspiration with your silence.

You don’t see me. You feel me. I can feel you right back. That’s is what I am afraid of. Our souls know each other even without words. This is madness..... science fiction.

What do you want to DO?

I don't get to choose when I want to blog because it is who I am. Why did I start blogging? Do you want the raw truth or polished version of it? I got fed up of watching and having mediocre applauded and accepted as the truth. That is the polished part of it. The raw truth is that I got tired of having so much to say and not sharing it with like minded people in the hope of changing the norm to spectacular.

I owe it to my parents for having sacrificed so much of themselves not for me to obtain, attain and maintain a certain level of power where am untouchable but be so touchable by obtaining,  attaining and maintaining the integrity of not only knowing and doing better but also becoming better. We all serve a merciful and gracious God. Notice how we are blessed differently because we each own unique gifts.

Let us not judge one another based on our up bringing. Some of you got a head start in life and it is not your fault while the rest of us had a late start which again is not our fault. What matters is that we are all here now. What are you bringing to the table?  I will use myself as an example. There are certain situations I am faced with sometimes and I think to myself like am I really ready? I look back at old lessons and I laugh at myself hard and out loud. If my old mentality could tackle this now, man I would be screwed if not sued.

There are certain places where only God can take you. Sure you know someone but the thing with us human beings is that we always want recognition. Directly and indirectly. Everyone is out there to get theirs. Again, there is nothing wrong with that but if others will question your motives and intentions that is where you have a quick board meeting with yourself and be like , the idea was cute but the execution will only bite you in your aśś. Stop! Come on, stop it!!!

I had set myself back because where God is taking me I didn't agree with out of fear. I am not eloquent enough. I don't look a certain way. I don't have it like that. Excuses. The villager in me was so afraid of succeeding because I had found comfort in lacking and failing. This is not for me. It's for a certain club. I was such a fool. At one point in life dear reader am certain you have used one of the above excuses or even worse to eliminate yourself from achieving desired goals.

We are so afraid of sharing our failures and achievements because we assume that others will not understand. This is my personal take on that others bullshit unless I know your story and I can actually say your name, to me , you don't exist. Unless your name is God please, don't waste my time because you can neither the sun nor the moon.Child, you are not the sky high above. Unless you are selling lives.....well, are you? So your human as well? Am merely stating facts!

I share this and more to come because growing up writing gave me an escape and empowered me. I dreamt more and imagined the world for myself. This is not for everyone but for someone somewhere who needed a reminder of what used to be, is and yet to come. You are not crazy nor alone in thinking there is a better life out there for you. If you are brave enough to believe it, then it exists. Don't give up on yourself. Don't beat yourself down. No more don'ts.  It's time for a new do.

So, what do you want to DO? 

That's a perfect #RealityCheck