You will......

Childhood trauma. That’s the description I was looking for. We all suffer from this. Mine is this. If I am not needed then I am not loved.

So I took time off everyone else after a very bad breakup which led to depression and I turned something hurtful to something meaningful . I decided that despite the fact that nothing made sense, I would make sense. If nothing else mattered, I would matter. So I accepted that number one, I wasn’t what he wanted or needed. My mission rather my role in his life was over. Here is the thing about pain, it doesn’t matter if you have a PHD or certificate level of education. At one point in your entire life, you will have to go through it. It doesn’t mean you are dumb enough to fall for it but actually smart enough to learn from it.

I took time.

I gave myself space. 

If you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, it was yours to keep. We all want to hear and believe that. But what if it never comes back? Not many people talk about it not working out when you sat there and waited. When you whispered a prayer and shed a tear or two hoping the good Lord would turn things around. Was it your fault? Did you give it your all? Was there anything left to say or do? But most importantly, did the one thing you felt deeply about, want you back? Damn! I never thought of it that way.

You have to be the thing you are asking for. Praying for. Waiting on. If you want love,be love. Date yourself. Take yourself out. Treat yourself the way you wish for someone or others to and I promise you, in becoming that, you will find yourself wanting more that what you eventually hoped for. Did you read that right? You will find yourself!!!! You will......

You have been looking for yourself all this while. That's the key to all this. It's not what they say or how they act around you that will determine how open you will become but rather how you act and say will let them know what and how to expect it. *takes a moment*  That was deep.

So the next time , oh, there will always be a next time.....in the wise words of Songs of Solomon 8:4 Daughters of Jerusalem,  I charge you , do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. 

Why?

Because you will have overcome your childhood trauma.

It wasn't your fault. Forgive they that hurt you.  And most importantly forgive yourself. 

It's time to let go and use your pain to inspire others and yourself by allowing it to be a stepping stone.

When your heart is ready, it will beat and love again as if it never broke or hurt. You will fall madly, deeply and wisely inlove though this time, you will have learnt to love yourself first and be okay with any outcome it brings your way.

Happy November checkmates ❤