keep believing

I am hopelessly lost. Everytime I listen to this song I feel like there could be light at the end of the tunnel but the minute the song stops so does my heart stop beating for this undying feeling.I am calm and patient but not even time can help me wait forever for this cloud over my head move or just rain. Have you ever gone out of your way for everyone yet it feels like no one else is willing to step down for you to just live in the moment.You can only give until you end up feeling drained and empty. Like you have offered everything you could yet it wasn't enough to stop a bad thing from happening or to change the ways of evil.

So weighed down and tired of being so positive while all life ever does is beat me down and force me to stay down. I have gathered all I can while down but no matter how good I try to be it seems bad always has a hold of me. No escape whatsoever. I am trapped in my own mind. The walls are not only closing in but stoning me unconsciously. I can only be a super lady for a while until I finally realize that I need some serious saving.

People doubt that your thoughts can create reality for you - Oprah .So what happens to my faith?What becomes of that beautiful belief? Do I still sit or continue telling people that if you hold on to what you believe in initially life will find a way to bring it to pass. I do not doubt because it has taken forever to get here but I doubt because am human and even I want mine on earth and not when I go to heaven. Time is a healer but isn't this very same time that makes the impossible possible somehow with a little help from up above.

How can something so beautiful be so wrong? How can something so undefined be forbidden? How can waiting for so long rob you of what you thought was your reward for being loyal?All I know is I have a lot of unanswered questions that somehow I care not for the answers for they have taken a decade to unfold on their own.Like everyone else am willing to make a withdrawal when I don't see the benefit. One thing I have been assured is that when running after your destiny, life demand that you pick up the pace. Like Dr. Maya Angelou I prepare myself so as to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.

My greatest challenge is allowing the same kindness I show to others being shown to me. Accepting that there are good people with good intentions who just want to be part of your life with no expectations just that you allow them help you. All you have to do is wake up and breathe and they will take it from there. Crazy huh!? I know I doubt it as well but I have been proven wrong. God allows bad things happen to good people to prepare you to where he wants you to be. No amount of pain or loss can stop him from fulfilling his purpose in your life. When you are calm and he sees you are ready then he can entrust you with his promises.

It doesn't matter if all your enemies have succeeded and that their success has left you mad and bitter. That was not God's intentions to leave you broken but he had to break you and mold you into the man or lady you are supposed to be or already becoming. I keep telling myself that when God refines you, the process leaves you feeling like he cut through your flesh with a double edged sword. You have to be in line of who he created you to be so it might be a little uncomfortable but the sooner you get it and stop resisting is the day the process will ease up.

I don't know what the future holds all I know is this cannot be it. There is more and better and that like Condoleezza Rice I can finally say,"I could have done better but under the circumstances I did okay." I will keep believing and doing good even though my efforts look as though they are in vain but somehow like 27dresses I know everyone I have been there for will celebrate my big moment.

Lady 28th January

Happy early birthday to me.Just one day to my birthday and am already feeling older and yet somehow it is just a few more days to Valentines Day.Forgive me but I am laughing my heart out. Reasons being I never know what to expect on both occasions. Everyone will be expecting me to dress up for my birthday while secretly I just wanted to stay indoors if it were not for work, I would have in a baggy old t-shirt preferably torn socks on and food in the house and just watch back to back series of One Tree Hill from season one. Don't even ask, yes I am that girl. I would have gone out and played basketball but I just want to be alone.My bestfriend is my complete opposite. She wants us to go on a vacation and celebrate the big two numbers *my new age* in style. I don't want to disappoint here but I would rather sleep in and wake up on the 29th...skip the 28th please. This has nothing to do with me being single or maybe it does. I feel like why should I spend so much on just a single day.Why not just go grab dinner if need be, get my hair done and perhaps purchase a pair or two of shoes.

As I mature,I am learning to be comfortable in my own company.I only have one female friend and that to me feels like alot because she has multiple personality not forgetting am a handful as well so 2015 the company of two will do well, until she settles down and forgets all about me then I will think of getting a cat *watching too many movies* Like why get a cat while you can get a Ferrari?Halo!? Or maybe I should be a part time life guard considering I neither party nor drink. Do you see just how boring my life is. Not entirely. I have an amazing family and out of this world friend so what more could a lady ask for whatever else God has to offer I guess.

I hate Valentines but like any other year I have nothing to look forward to but the usual to watch ladies being vulnerable and  men expecting a reward at the end of the day.Some will be proposed to, someone will be dumped, someone will bump into the one and someone will loose their life on this day.

Friendship

Never loose sight of who you are leave alone the far you have come.At times I don't understand what the master of this great universe has in-stored for me.Don't get me wrong because I know he has sufficient grace to help me over come it but it is rather the process which at times tends to be so unfair, taking too long to get done and most of all when is my break through coming? I want answers for things I don't understand and I want results for ever unresolved issue, phase and circumstance.

For me friendship is worse than marriage. I have nothing against getting married or married people but its the commitment that just proves too overwhelming for me. In marriage you make vows before God and everyone else that until death. I wish people better yet I wish married people of my generation understood half of the vows they make before God. I choose you above all others meaning at one point and this is likely to happen, I will call or text my bestfriend not that it is not you but the other one to 'bitch' about you. Like it will hit me like seriously girl I woke up to find this creep in my bed and I was wondering if you know this guy. I tend to think that is what might happen.She will be like that is your husband. My what now? This old thing who snores assuming the one for me snores *giggles* .Wait, when did I get married? Who is this strange irritating man?Was I that high saying I do if I did say I do.

With friendship there are no witnesses required but if you ask me it feels more of an unpaid full time job. You never know when you will be"laid off" so you always have to be on your best behavior. Being loyal is a matter of common sense. I need not ask but I expect you to vouch for me regardless. More or less like family only you have  to have the other parties best interest at heart. Find a friend who is willing to celebrate you when you are lying down on the ground with nothing but a prayer to hold on to and you keep them for life. There are people who are in your life for a particular season and reason. Don't mix up the two. Just because you have already made it in you doesn't entitle you to act as if the people in your life should be up there with you. Success and greatness are two different things. Perhaps your friend was meant for greater things in life thus the long delay or is it wait.

My 2015 resolution or should I say words to live by," Don't dismiss me just yet". I know I may not look like perhaps because am fighting my demons ...we all have demons..... but the same way I wouldn't dismiss you then the least I expect is for you to give me a benefit of a doubt. Give people chances. Hear what they have to say even though you already know it is garbage but perhaps there could be something special underneath all that bull. I doubt but hey, you have nothing to loose by hearing them out. Besides the many times you have tried airing your side of a story but ended up being ignored how did that make you feel? Exactly don't act human be human.

This is by far my favorite blog I have done this year because somehow I know someone will do the right thing and a friendship will be rekindled. We all fight and argue and even say things that are less smart than we come off but that doesn't mean you meant to hurt that person.I heard somewhere that if you have done all you can do and said all you can to help someone but still they want to leave your life, let them. They will find what they are looking for and I guarantee you they will be back. Am I sure, how much are you willing to bet on it?Oh, they will be back but the question is, are they worth being taken back or allowing them to keep searching? You be the judge and remember what goes around comes back around. Do unto others what you would want to be done to you.

Happy New Year

It doesn't matter if the month is far gone but to me it still feels as though everything is new. So I will say it proudly, happy new year checkmates.This is where I skip the I am sorry I have been away speech hoping that this new year got you so wrapped up you hardly realized that I had not been blogging for a while. I will just say this, I was looking for inspiration which I got to say I have. I want to say and so I will go right ahead and say it, screw everyone who is always dismissing you without giving you the benefit of a doubt.I don't care if we are family or the supposed 'the one' if you doubt me then I don't see what else is left to tell each other. Please do let the door hit you on your way out and hard so that the pain will remind you of what you left behind. 

I am not always right, heck am ever right but when I am sure of something ...anything best believe it is bound to be true. Here is my take in life. Don't lie, there is no need to weigh your mind with worthless shenanigans while as you can express yourself with the truth only you make it juicy. I don't lie I just exaggerate.It doesn't make me a liar only interesting. Hey, someone has to tell the story so why not make mine worth your ears?

Like any other woman out there, I have weaknesses.If anything doesn't add up or if a thought of doubt creeps up, best believe I will not confront you. No sir! I am old fashioned. Too proud to show that am affected so I always do the honorable thing, I wait.Thank heavens for literacy so I tend to use my brains and hands instead of my words and feet.Damn right I snoop. It's not like you left me a choice here so I will go digging deep for any dirt in your past. They say if you want a job done you have to do it yourself so why waste my tears crying the issue out with friends who clearly knew what was going on and waste pretty good months if not years being mad at someone who is not worth a second thought.I figure if you were 'protective' as most men claim to not tell me the truth  then asking you for closure would be like waiting on it to snow in Kenya. Yeah, good luck with that.

Ladies, you want closer get the truth and not from him. He will take advantage of the fact that you are emotionally unstable and vulnerable and lure you back into the I must have done something wrong for him not to trust me mind zone.Don't just look beautiful act it even though you may not feel it.I always say the best revenge on anyone who doesn't like you is being successful. I might have given you something to laugh about but best believe you gave others something to stare at when you acted immature with me.Thank you by the way for making me look good. I owe you . That should be the mentality of anyone who has been betrayed in any manner. Like enough of zero in on the negative and grab the positivity of the situation and flaunt it.

Is this going to be a good year, well it all depends with your attitude. If you keep being negative, I don't see life shouldn't rob you of the good things ahead. You don't want it anyway. If you are like me and believe that this year took a long time coming and now that it is here, everyone better look out, welcome on board. This year I will not apologize for being successful leave alone act like I don't deserve it. We have to lay some ground rules though. No more pity parties. If people don't celebrate you then don't waste any more time trying to convince them or watching them always take center stage. Be the boss. Step up or stay down. If you have to shed tears let them be tears of joy while delivering a heartfelt speech of victory.No more dumb questions. Be wise. Get your facts straight and your priorities in order.Learn to ask the right question. Not why me blah blah blah? The why not me kind of questions. If it is happening to you God must have seen something in you that either has to go or is about to come in your life.



Last but not least, know that it is never what it seems. It is not what it looks like. A priceless final piece of advice is good ideas can be expensive. Who said expensive has anything to do with money. Like I said, unless you are certain, don't be quick to dismiss it yet. Some situations can be blessing in disguise but are you willing to pay the price because promises come with tests and trials. 





Happy New Year!