7:43

All my life I have felt like a DUFF Designated Ugly Fat Friend well not literally but somehow I felt fat in a skinny way. Hilarious now but not for the most part of my life growing up. I always felt like an outside because deep down I knew I was different.So I chose the easy way out. To not be visible. I chose the tomboy lifestyle. That way I would avoid all female drama and I would get to know what guys go for after all I would kinda be like one of them. I have got to admit having more male friends growing up was not what I had pictured. I thought it would be easier being ignore but it just made ladies hate on me. In a way I felt bullied. Unfortunately or should I say fortunately most of the guys I ended up being friends with were either popular or handsome. The most sort after guys in primary, high school and collage. Life took a turn from being difficult to being a nightmare.

I was raised in a christian home but thanks to the harsh environment at school I was forced to be bad. The only way I could prove to these ladies that I was not interested in their 'men' was to be rude to the very same guys. I understand the female species because I am one but the using numbers to divide and conquer even for a tomboy is tough. It is an emotional experience one that no human being should be put through. The truth is, ladies especially the girlie ones are mean reason being they think they are better than the rest of us female species. I have to hand it to them because at some point they had it going on, the cute guy, the popularity and everyone liked them but that was then and this is now.

Now that I have matured, I assume I have things have changed. Again, thanks to my career I cannot show up in sweats at my work place so I have to make an extra effort to look the part. I have to maintain the company image. But the minute I get home, its back to my hoodies and buggy pants. I just want to be me at the end of the day. Back to the maturity bit, so I have developed. Those shy curves are no longer shy and you can tell my back from my front. I am a woman or so I keep telling myself. So now the guys who I consider to be friends end up liking you and things become weird simply because I don't feel the same way.

The only disadvantage of being a tomboy and this is major is we always take our time to like a man. we know what we want and always wait for what we want and then go all out for that man. We are too loyal. I wish there was a way I could be like other ladies at times. Expect him to top up my airtime, ask for cash  but I am reminded by my self made ego that throughout my life I have self taught myself to be independent. Its not that I don't want to rely on you but I am used to doing things on my own having to answer to no one and the truth is am afraid if I start expecting you to step in and take charge you might get bored and leave and then what becomes of my broken heart? How do I teach myself to not expect your call when all I do is turn and toss checking well hoping you will text? I can't allow myself to go through that. Not again anyway.

The minute our trust is broken trying to win us over is a waste of time. All I will ever see is your betrayal. All I will ever wait for is for the day you will up and leave again. So I met this guy and like I had said my kind waits. I patiently waited for this one and six years later she shows up in my life. Long story short, I ended up feeling rather becoming someone deep down I knew I would be. He made me bring out the best in me. He ended up making me bring down the walls I had built around myself and I will forever be thankful he showed up just in time. He and I are on different time zones and separate as far as the East is from the West.It turns out all this while I have been trying to make him see the real me but the more I tried the further we drifted. I have never wanted to prove myself to any human being like the way I wanted for him to see me through my eyes.

When life served me a reality check as far as this man is concerned I was in denial. Like any woman I made excuses for him. I tried to justify his actions. Then when life slapped me with yet another reality check, I became angry. At myself for not realizing it sooner, at him for putting me through such unfair situations and society because it kept rolling its eyes at me. Then I became afraid. I was afraid of loosing the only real person I had come across after waiting so long so I bargained just so he could be part and parcel of my life. Them it dawned on me. when did I become this lady? Since when do I allow myself feel so humiliated and desperate.?I will call it as it is. Since when do I settle? Slowly but sure I have come to accept that some people are meant to be in your life for a season. I choose to see the best out of this situation because at the end of the day even though things didn't unfold as I had hoped for, I will not stop being me .I am passionate and caring and trying to put on a don't care attitude clearly only brings out the bitter in me. My motto in life is to be better with not only myself but those around me.

Sadly, I hope to never use these words on him in particular ," seasons change, people don't'" because that will cause me a somewhat kind of pain. He was a big deal but even big deals can't deliver big breaks. I am comfortable in my own skin and considering the fact that I am a straight woman time and again I will want to change my weight the same way I change my hair. There is nothing I can do about my height even with twelve inch heels. I love who I see when I look at myself in the mirror every morning. I see a tomboy who is hilarious, humble , beautiful and talented. I am a blessed human being who has so much to offer herself and the rest of the world. I shouldn't have to prove myself to anyone least of all a man. He if he is out there should adore me just the way I am. He should see me past my fancy or baggy clothes. He should be taken by my character and personality and not the shade of lipstick on my lips.

And that is my 7:43 #RealityCheck