My 29th February leap towards being grateful

This is not me being arrogant it's me being observant.  Until you can address it the people you care the most will always take advantage of your kindness.  I am thankful for not having life handed to me on a silver platter so that I can feed myself and those related to me with golden spoons. The catch is they will have to earn it.

The more I am thankful the less I complain and lack. Being human we all yearn to be noticed if not celebrated.  Let's face it gone are the days people say thank you , please and I am sorry.  We all just assume and secretly even think we earned the right for others to go out of their way for us.  Again this is not me trying to start a pity party but where in the world have our manners disappeared to?

If I invest in you or your business gentlemen *shots fired* it means I want to be part of your empire. I see greatness or spot potential I always follow my gut feeling. That however doesn't necessarily mean that we are friends. In the words of my good friend ," It's nothing personal it's just business". One wrong move and I will never look back. Just to be clear I can only be loyal to myself seeing as everyone else is taken. Not just taken but taken for granted.

Men say that women who make the first move are courageous and sexy. Well slap the boring out of me because from where I come from and yes it's deep in the village we call that desperation. Times have changed but the bible has not. You only live once please spare me your selfishness we all live once. The world doesn't revolve around you, it never has so don't think you are doing us a favor by being alive.

Good women are being misled and taken advantage of. Gentlemen listen, if you have no intention of marrying her please don't test drive her into your indecisiveness . This is not a car dealership but an actual human being. The reason why I am against this is because am sick and tired of watching good women become bitter and take it out on good men. To think that someone somewhere is making life hard for the one for me just because some man wasn't faithful so she feels the need to break this other man drives me crazy.

I have decided to lead by example.If I have no interest in you, I will not lead you on. If my emotions get the best of me, I will walk away and not take it out on the wrong person. If I am not comfortable I will talk it out and not shout it out. If I don't like where I am I will leave and go where it feels like home. I will not accept your gifts if they are as a result of you feeling guilty. I promise to live an honest yet grateful life. Someimes you have to say thank you and other times no thank you.

And that is my #RealityCheck

Between 11:00 and 11:09 AM

I don't have it all together but am happy. I am not where I would want to be but am not just anywhere, am where am supposed to be as of now. I am not not complete but who says am not ? I am not walking away, am walking towards where my heart is. Maybe you are not the one to change but perhaps am the one who needs to loose this grip I have on you. The more I try the further you are slipping. 

I hope and pray and now this is my new norm. I shout and scream but I am composed and calm. I praise and worship but I curse and act ratchet.  I cry, I laugh , I have tried and now am all dry. You are my best kept secret but whenever am around you I am an open book. I couldn't resist even if I tried to so I quickly replace those warm thoughts with damn it you hear but you never listen. 

This comes off as a poem but it feels like a blog. I don't have the exact words but these are my exact words. This is not for you nor is it for me but I have a feeling it's for someone else other than us. If you are reading this you are just as lost as I am but if you are not the better but one day I will make you read this and then I will say, "yes it was about you". For now if the shoe fits wear it, if this feels like you act on it and own it. Take what you can and leave the rest.

And this is my #RealityCheck

My Valentine

It is perceived that Valentine's day is a day for a man and a woman to reaffirm their love openly. So what happens when you are single?  Do you still celebrate and if so  are you forced to hire or act it out with a fake spouse or do you just stay indoors and wallow in your sorrows?

For single parents how fo you go out there and act as if life has been good to you when you can barely make ends meet? For people suffering from depression and rejection how does a red rose heal the brokenness? So I decided to turn this one day of publicity stunt and make something beautiful and meaningful to myself. Love is a discussion for another day but it takes more than a dozen of red roses,  a box of chocolates and a prompt proposal to have a heart connect.

Learn to walk at your own pace.  When everyone else runs, walk and when they walk , run. Find your place in this messy world and get your rhythm.  You have ample time to enjoy yourself and everyone else around you and believe you me it doesn't have to who you had in mind. Go out there and make a difference.  There is so much to be done but know you can't do it all.

So until then,  I don't mind being my own valentine and that is my #RealityCheck

Unpleasant Assignment

When God entrusts you with a dream or dreams he grants you the grace to see you through until the very end. That is not where most of us go wrong . You disclosing your dreams out loud is not the problem so I have discovered.  We are all human born again or ratchet and we suffer from one humanly disadvantage, we give up so fast. For those of you who are wondering how it feels it to dream or be given a dream it's pretty much like ushering in a new year. You have everything figured out . The set goals and the people you intend to connect with.

Have you ever noticed that the first Sunday of the year everyone is a saint. We all walk into church all changed.  We confess of our previous sins and agree nodding to every word the servant of God speaks our way.  The second Sunday the fire is still burning deep inside you until that two worded monster dawns in #RealityCheck . The month is not looking up and the balance account is just enough to get you through a week if you are lucky.  You don't want to give up on God and you promised to change so you go to church the third Sunday. Something familiar and annoying creeps in. The sermon is almost the same as the last two.  Life has started getting on your nerves secretly.  The this is my year turns to is this my year?

The servant of God assured you that indeed it's time for you to be rewarded for all your hard work. Yes, God had finally answered your prayers. So each day you wake up expectant. You give generously as it will all be given back double the portion as the good book assures us.  What you were not told coming in your season was that as much as it would be handed to you , it will not be the way you always envisioned it. You come across obstacles.  Are you facing something or someone who is proving life a little more difficult for you?  That is your obstacle.

Like any human being you feel the urge to curse them out. Put them in their place. You are so human that part of you is already singing along to move b@#$ get out the way *laughs* oh its about to get ugly up in this mother before I let you rob me of my blessing.  That might not be you but it sound close enough doesn't it? I am about to cursed out but I will advise you anyway.  A wise lady told me that the easiest way to get a breakthrough is by praying for your obstacles to be blessed. Ofcourse like most of you I laughed then had on the girl have lost your damn mind? Obstacles are strategically placed in your life to perfect and mold you into your season. They teach you the virtue of being patient and calm. I heard that when you are calm and away from your busy scedule that is when God speaks to you. That is when he reveals and manifests himself when you are calm.

You would have gotten there on your own no doubt but for there to be a God given intervention and others to witness your miracle God ensures that you have no plan B. It's all him or nothing. You can even negotiate.  You just have to trust and allow for his will to be done.  This is the hard part. Staying in faith when you keep hitting walls and being kind to your obstacles.  Like any end product we all want results but no one us willing to stick around and withstand the process.  You want the good life but you don't want a workaholic man. You expect a pay cheque but you walk around bad mouthing your boss and complaining of how you hate your job. You want the lifestyle but you can't even appreciate the man going out of his way to please you.  We just want results but not the inbetweens. 

Ladies our grandmothers knew the secret to winning the heart of a man . It lies between wisdom and knowledge.  It's called humility.  I am not suggesting you trade in your designer clothes for sacks to appear humble but when you know what to say and when to say it , you will have that man in the house before you even start to miss him. The problem with today's modern woman is she thinks rather she believes anything a man can do she can do it better with heels on. Those heels would keep you warm at night. If you don't want and need a man live in your truth but don't expect the rest of us hopeless romantics feel guilty for falling inlove.  There is nothing wrong with a little TLC *Tender Love and Care* . That doesn't make me needy or incomplete but human.

It's an unpleasant assignment but my #RealityCheck

Month of Love

What is the one thing you love about yourself? The one thing that stands out in your opinion? Well even that at times doesn't feel quite enough if we are being honest. That irresistible smile slowly fades into a frown then you start loosing teeth and that is how your asset becomes a liability.

This month of love, don't just hope on one day to be showered with gifts. You are worth the trouble and like any well planned war because it feels like a battlefield at one point it doesn't begin and end in a day.

Don't expect the moon if you have only been offering yourself breadcrumbs. Ladies why should we not spoil ourselves just because the good book says that man should provide? Remind me again why we all struggle to make it to work on time? To earn. So let me get this straight you would rather spend thousands on a manicure than walk into a restaurant and buy yourself a hot meal least you are tagged as miss independent or worse you are already your own man?

Who on earth said that women need to be needy for them to land a good man? So until prince charming comes along am stuck here with a tall glass of water and a sandwich so as not to scare him away? If that's the case hand me the crown because before I put my life on hold for time to stand still, I will be the queen.

Love yourself a little more this month and the next one until the day that good man will come take it from there. How do you love if you have never experienced what love is first hand. The worst thing that can ever happen as far as am concerned is him feeling the same way or even more. Then you can't control it.

Go on, love it out. And that is my #RealityCheck

My heartfelt apology

I have been giving people advice through my experiences and going out of my way for others that I have forgotten how it feels like to be the one being offered.  How do you expect a surprise when you have been the one giving out surprises your entire life? How do you receive when no one has ever offered?  I am not blaming this on my past relationship but myself . I have infliceted this fear myself. I have never expected anything in return. I don't know how it feels like ladies, to be taken on a proper date and the man pays the bill. I have been my own man. That is why I haven't felt the need to settle down.

I love being independent and my freedom. Not having to answer to anyone other than my family and work. Yes, that has always been me having to make everyone else wait. See I thought I was a generous soul until I met another selfless beautiful soul. For those who are patient enough to understand me they know am anything but a bother. I hate feeling like I have to rely on you to come through for me when I know the rest of the world is expecting the same from you. If anything.I just want to take care of you. So please let me. If the roles were turned I would allow anyone take care of me.

How do I let my guard down? How do I let him in, all the way? How do I entrust him with the one thing I can't stand being disappointed ever again? How do I unteach my heart to bring down the walls and build up strength. I am pushing him away with my fears and causing him to second guess his feelings. It has nothing to do with him but me. I  ant believe am about to pull this corny line but it's not you,  it's me. I need to figure out my shit. I have been ready for you but I got caught up and wrapped up in my own bullshit that I was about to push my dream away. I am not about to declare my feelings just yet, one brick at a time.

Romeo am sorry if I came off too guarded and I will not justify my lack of paying extra attention. When you read this, you will know it's you and why am poring out my heartfelt apology.  I am so sorry. Ladies, please take it from me, if a man goes the extra mile to show you just how much you mean to him by offering to shower you with gifts millions would kill for, please don't let the fear of why rob you of your beautiful beginning. In the words of the diary of a black mad woman, please ask me again..... May God grant me the courage to accept your way of loving me

And that is my #RealityCheck

My open letter

If I am going to write this open letter, I will have to be honest with myself regardless of whether the one am writing about and to reads it or not.  I have a feeling he will but secretly I don't want him to. Please stop asking why ....

Dear Mr Gerrit All,
I miss you. I heard am all you talk about and to be honest I laughed simply because I never thought I left such an impact in your life.  It's been a while since we spoke and whenever we bump into each other it's always ackward because I want to keep it professional but at the same time want to awaken every inch of my body against yours. The things I have done to you in my mind are far much worse than our past combined.  Yes, I go there with you in my mind. Blaming it on the fact that am very creative and imaginative.  Forgive me Father for I have sinned and will continue to sin as long as I have breath in me and this hot temptation of a man continues to exist. 

Now that my partial lust is out of the way, how are you my darling? I don't need to hear or be told how well your are fairing. One look at you and my heart breaks. I know you are not fine. You can never admit you aren't either. I guess that is what makes me go crazy about you. Knowing you put on a courageous act though deep down you are in pieces. I am brave enough to come comfort you but at the same time, I have to let you tone down your demons. Mine are well caged in so I am not pointing fingers to judge you.  I understand. I am loving you from a distance.

By now I know the one question lingering your mind. Why do I call you Mr Gerrit All? You don't even have to ask , I am willing to give it all to you. Everything that money can't buy: positivity,  encouragement, care, love, affection, intimacy and prayers. I love you just the way you are and that is why I still invest in you. You are not perfect but you are me perfect. You are complicated and sophisticated nothing I can't handle. Baibèé🐝🐝 you can GERRIT All OF IT.....

I am not seated here dying inlove *giggles* . I don't want to continue writing this but I must. That is the only way I can live today knowing I did what I had to do. When God blesses you, you can't hide your blessings.  So how can I hide my love for you if I can barely keep it together at the mention of your name. We have unfinished business.  I had to kiss afew toads here and there, nurse afew shark and crocodile bites but the most painful bite of all was fear. Meeting you was different.  I was scared and excited both at the same time. I was composed but my voice trembled. The voices in my head went wild. Girls ....Ladies please control yourselves. I had to excuse myself every now and then just to gain control.

The reason why I am writing this is not to come off as corny but to let the world know that true love exists.  If I knew that going out of my way and loving another man selflessly would earn me this God given feeling, I would go back and it over again. I would let him humiliate me one more time. I would allow him ignore my efforts and curse me out in a condensending manner that you women are all the same.  I would allow him drain me again emotionally,  financially,  mentally and physically.  You were worth my pain . You were worth the wait. I love you enough to help you land the woman of your dreams. Who is she? I may not have much but I will always have extra to get you a plane ticket to go get her.

I have to admit that I had a hard time trusting God to bring the 'right' man in mylife because I heard God doesn't give you who you want but who you need. My prayers was God please atleast let him be good looking enough. I mean I just got heartbroken and settling with just any man will not do. Let him be handsome. God will surprise you I kept hearing the preacher say during Sunday services.  God we talked about this, please don't send me a broke man with a forgettable face.

You need to step up your game not just for yourself but those who look up to you. The rest of us can loose it but you have to keep it together. You have to, you must. So please take care of yourself and know that you are loved. Go for what makes you happy and never look back. I hope life treats kind as you have been to and with me.

From one great heart to another,
You are my #RealityCheck