My heartfelt apology

I have been giving people advice through my experiences and going out of my way for others that I have forgotten how it feels like to be the one being offered.  How do you expect a surprise when you have been the one giving out surprises your entire life? How do you receive when no one has ever offered?  I am not blaming this on my past relationship but myself . I have infliceted this fear myself. I have never expected anything in return. I don't know how it feels like ladies, to be taken on a proper date and the man pays the bill. I have been my own man. That is why I haven't felt the need to settle down.

I love being independent and my freedom. Not having to answer to anyone other than my family and work. Yes, that has always been me having to make everyone else wait. See I thought I was a generous soul until I met another selfless beautiful soul. For those who are patient enough to understand me they know am anything but a bother. I hate feeling like I have to rely on you to come through for me when I know the rest of the world is expecting the same from you. If anything.I just want to take care of you. So please let me. If the roles were turned I would allow anyone take care of me.

How do I let my guard down? How do I let him in, all the way? How do I entrust him with the one thing I can't stand being disappointed ever again? How do I unteach my heart to bring down the walls and build up strength. I am pushing him away with my fears and causing him to second guess his feelings. It has nothing to do with him but me. I  ant believe am about to pull this corny line but it's not you,  it's me. I need to figure out my shit. I have been ready for you but I got caught up and wrapped up in my own bullshit that I was about to push my dream away. I am not about to declare my feelings just yet, one brick at a time.

Romeo am sorry if I came off too guarded and I will not justify my lack of paying extra attention. When you read this, you will know it's you and why am poring out my heartfelt apology.  I am so sorry. Ladies, please take it from me, if a man goes the extra mile to show you just how much you mean to him by offering to shower you with gifts millions would kill for, please don't let the fear of why rob you of your beautiful beginning. In the words of the diary of a black mad woman, please ask me again..... May God grant me the courage to accept your way of loving me

And that is my #RealityCheck