Embracing my testimony

I have been avoiding this blog but I have to embrace my testimony. It took over seven (7) years *I can't seem to get the right words* . I am avoiding to state the correct amount of years because I don't believe in shaming people no matter how much they lack character. That's on you sweetheart.  Whether this blog helps anyone out there or not, frankly speaking, today it is not about you but me. This is personal.

No one is born insecure but sometimes you find yourself a victim of your circumstances. When someone or people hurt you for doing the right thing, you automatically become insecure. The most dangerous decision anyone can ever make is abandoning who you are, what you believe in to accommodate the version of who "they" make you believe and say you are or should be. Did anyone get that? That is morally wrong on so many levels.

There was never a night that I didn't I ask God why He allowed this to happen to me. When I was done crying, I would cry some more just to get some sleep coz I could feel myself slowly loosing my mind.  Have you ever had God take you from bad to worse and as if He wasn't finished to the worst. Being taken from disfunctional, to functional to now purpose has been a real #DaddyDaughterAdventure.  It didn't make sense then but now looking at it from this open minded intentional view is slowly clearing my mind.

When you break up in any relationship, growth is the next obvious step right? Wrong!!! Whomever moves on first wins atleast that's what society made me believe so he moved on ten (10) days after cheating on me and not with the same lady. Sometimes bad things are not necessarily bad because instead of handling it in a more mature way, this son of a woman threw a petty festival on social media and to add fuel to the fire this old fashioned wild goose of a girl joined in. That's when I got a why did I get married moment and wanted to beat the living 💩 out of her by getting out all that anger I felt towards the both of them but instead I used to walk around with my head held down because I felt I had lost. Everyone God sent my way was for a specific season and no none of them was a good man to compensate the unfair situation.

The one person God has assigned to be in my life for not only several reasons for difficult seasons to date is my bestfriend. I brag about her most if not all the time because if you met her you would understand. To me, my bestfriend is the epitome of grace. Before all this hard life lessons, I considered myself a free spirit. Nothing ever bothered me. See, I forgot how to be graceful because I allowed bitterness to get the best of me. There are people who God brings in your life to remind you of your purpose. It's not just to fall inlove, live the good life and have the best of everything but to serve God with the little and much awaiting. Was I trust worthy then? No! If he brought me my soulmate right after that break up my only intention would have been to prove that I had upgraded. When they talk about me behind my back and attack the one thing I hold dear the most (faith in God) what will you do? Confront them, abuse the , fight them or do the unthinkable and walk away? It has been a show me process that God has had to use to break me down, rough me out, burn the rough edges, smoothen me out then finally polish me out.

This year I have bumped into the two of them though on separate days. Whoever said the best revenge is to look good wasn't wrong. See, God had to get rid of the immature whispers that kept me doubtful and fearful. I have always known that I am it but of late I have been living like it. All I could think of was ,"please God, not today. I don't need that negative energy around." To my surprise even demons behave in the presence of greatness. #Facts!! am just humbly stating #Facts!! Thank God for selective hearing and amnesia because all I did was say hi back then walked casually away. If I was him, I would have walked away hurt because I could tell he wanted to have a conversation but I had already disappeared from the scene and that's when I knew he was playing some Usher music "There goes my baby." in his head. Yup! God did that *laughing sheepishly*

Ladies, be very careful who you are busy admiring and what you are after because you might just end up getting it only to find out that it was a pest after all. Just because the one he is with at that particular moment doesn't meet your expectations doesn't give you the right to dismiss you because it is never what it seems.

Dear future boyfriend/husband/soulmate, the one before me was there for a reason and for that particular season. I am not here to act like I am better than her and don't think that you will get with me to prove a point to her or society as well. Don't be the old immature me. I could have if I wanted to date around as I hoped to meet you but I am out here waiting because I know you are worth the best verion of me flaws and beauty. The only thing I will say this about your ex if you allow me is that she was wrong in hurting you but I am glad she did because then you wouldn't appreciate of how God has had to mold me morally, mentally, physically and spiritually to become a good enough woman to love your heart right. If anything, I thank God for your ex. Thank you girl, that was the only way he would have allowed you to walk out of his life. Thank you Jesus!!! Hallelujah!!!!!

Two week ago, I met my ex's missing rib (I am being very sarcastic). Keeping it Njerified all the way. I genuinely felt so sorry for her. When I saw, I just wanted to say hi to her but when I looked into her eyes and her body language I saw it. She had the same look I had everytime I used to bump into them . She had regret, bitterness and brokenness.  He fell short of her expectations because she got in it for the wrong reasons one of them being finances. Girl, you should have dated me because I was the one who used to provide financially but you were too blind to bring yourself to me the way he saw me. A good person. Nothing scars more like getting what you want but never getting them emotionally to see you the way that you want to be seen.

That's my testimony. I am embracing my testimony. God has been good.

I loved and I lost but I can't wait to love and be found. Soulmate, you aren't ready for this kind of love, affection and attention. In the words of Cassie in me and you,  ," you've been waiting so long, I'm here to answer your call." Cheers to the future.

Changing lives with love

This is just but my observation. Most ladies who have landed and are starting to get with godly men have had quite the rough experiences. I am not talking about men who speak in tongues or beat down demons *whoa!* quiet frankly such a man would scare the crap out of me. I have heard of angels on earth but I doubt I am worthy of such a flawless man so my rib will do.  If I am part of him and he part of me, we can make something good together.

I haven't found the one. That's not my work. My work is to pray and wait. Perhaps I have been spotted but he is yet to physically make a move. If not I have been stalked. I am being very optimistic.

For God to ensure that he can entrust me with one of his best sons, I have had to entertain the madness of quite the ugly toads. I haven't experienced afew bad breaks, (fuck my life) please excuse my language but it feels like I have had to learn how to surf on top and under waves. It takes loving the wrong man to finally appreciate the love of a good man. Coming soon *fingers crossed* . The little things he took for granted and thought was an exaggeration (idiot)  left me feeling like I was wrong to be pure and genuine with my love and kindness. (Am learning to accept myself and the ugly truth)

How do you teach the heart to stop beating without killing it? How do you see the sun and not feel its rays? How do you expect for it to rain without grey clouds? How do you expect the moon  without the stars?

I am a fool waiting for her miracle.  I would be an even bigger fool if I didn't wait.

So many have given up and given in too soon but not me. Two hundred years from now, I will be long dead and forgotten. But in that silence and my absence I know somehow someone will come across my letters or this blog and hope will be restored. But for that to happen  I need to start living and making changes everywhere I go and I can. How? With love ofcourse.

Changing lives with love.

Some bad breaks can lead to a beautiful  #RealityCheck

Man~Day

I am too lazy to type so am tempted to just copy paste something from the previous year and share it. Not because I am in a bad mood , rather I am in a wonderful mood.

I am vulnerably open to the possibility of falling inlove. Not that I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin but I finally understand the level of freedom one gets when you get rid of fear. I am excited over the unknown.

I just wanted a good man with everything good in him.

So bring him. I want his bad as well. Whatever his demons are it doesn’t take away the fact that he is rather tries to be a decent human being.

I woke up inlove with love and facing this day with nothing but love to give. So if am extra nice or smile more, it has nothing to do with what’s going on around me leave alone the world.

God is making a way in the waste land so live well because you are a chosen treasured possession. I choose love above everything else. True love ❤.

Consider this my Man~Day #RealityCheck

Please,Stalk Me

Why are people not honest. Listen, Sir, please, stalk me. Stalk the 💩 out of me but don’t come at me with half the offer. Not that anyone is asking 🤣 but I am not the coffee kind of lady. ‬I need not remind you but that’s why I am blessed with a stomach. Sir, with the kind of worms I occasionally have, let’s give them something to be upset over.

Make me believe you that you really thought this through. You want to impress me right? Then speak my language or better yet meet me half way. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or though it’s Njeri we are talking about so it must be Njerified. Affordable yet very sophisticated. In other words romantic.

I don’t expect you to order a ten thousand meal per plate only to be served a leaf and soup. What sorcery is this? So assuming someone asks me out on a date, the person asking me out determines how I will dress. Ofcourse am showing up with jeans on. Don’t expect me in a dress gentleman(gentlemen) because my body is currently under construction. I am not that wealthy to have surgery or fortunate enough to hire a personal trainer. I am thankful for YouTube and all the home exercises out there.

As much as I love salads, this is not survivor. I will not survive on water and greens only. Offer me something to remember you by. Make it hard for me to want to go out with anyone else other than you. Let me choose you through your actions and not by default. I will blog on what it takes to go out with a man but for now am assuming you already won me over with your intelligence. Having agreed to go out with you only means my expectations are even higher. I am going to monitor your every move and google everything you tell me. Basically, it feels like a board meeting. At this particular moment the worst mistake would be for him to ask what am thinking. Honestly, my mind is tearing you apart but my heart is rooting for you. My heart hardly ever wins so ummm good luck!

I don’t mind going on a date because I am 99.9% sure we will have a blast. It’s the 0.1% after that in most cases in my own humble opinion makes it easier to not go in the first place. He will end up doing something silly or stupid proving my mind right and I end up resentful towards him. It’s not me, it’s you.

When was the last time someone else other than myself took me out rather asked me out and I accept? I don’t recall the year leave alone the person *laughing quietly to myself*. Am I open? The Aquarius lady in me wants to write hell no will capital letters but the kindness in me in almost a whisper is like,”It depends”. Final answer.

Well, there you have it gentlemen, a glimpse of a #RealityCheck date with me. If you happen to read this and you find yourself smiling, gentleman I believe you owe me a date and if you happen to be a lady as flattered as I would be, just copy and paste it. This blog could be your link to relationship (laughing sheepishly). Thank me later by sending me an invitation card to your wedding.

Hugs and kisses..... NOT!

Let's talk, Shall We

It’s not a cold morning rather it’s a cold world. Have you ever had someone unknowingly on social media come off less than smart. I just hope to God this was just a bad comment and not who you really are in person and unfortunately they end up proving you right.

Let’s talk, shall we!

How do you walk around being this pathetic for lack of a better word if I may. By any chance do you think there is another life out there waiting for you because clearly you are living your worst life in the hope of in that other life you will perhaps finally put your best foot forward? In my mind, am assuming this is the leader of his group (throws up) and is God forbid dating (why) .

Being educated is your right, right? Wrong!

Someone went out of their way for you to get that education. So tell me, why do you reason in such an uncouth manner. What justice are you doing to your brain surely? Do you ever take the time to listen to your words or do you just talk for the sake of talking to appear relevant? In my humble opinion the person who went out of their way for you deserves a better life if not retirement by you living the best real version of yourself right now. Don’t wait to be a better or kind person when you achieve certain goals in life, start now when you are as confused as you will ever be and humbled by lack be it finances,health or even love.

Next time you think of representing yourself please take a moment and just stop. Ask yourself this, am I really putting myself out there in the hopes of reaching out for greatness or am I just being an empty vessel airing my foolishness to the world.

Now you know why life has been serving you harsh #RealityCheck . Don’t just go with the flow, take time to think, rethink and think even harder of how and who you have been attracting.

Self~ish

Halo June,
My last blog was addressed to younger Njeri but today rather this month am focusing on myself even more. You deserve the kind of love you keep trying to give everyone else. Think about it ladies and gentlemen. How many times do you find yourself doing so much for the people in your life but when it comes to doing it for yourself you always find yourself saying, "Not today!" When then?

I am keeping a positive attitude and an open mind. Each new day am turning it to , "I am getting the hang of this". The only person you should be afraid of disappointing is yourself. As a matter of fact,  you owe it to yourself to put yourself first.  It's not being selfish rather it's being self~ish 😆.

As soon as I discover more, I will blog more so for now allow this not only be my introduction of this magical new month but the beginning of a new #RealityCheck.

Wish me luck!

Younger Njeri

Happy new month checkmates! We made it to yet another adventurous and opportunity giving and taking  process. Are you ready? I didn’t grow up in a household where all we shared were hugs and kisses. Are you kidding me! It was more like a military boot camp. I can’t is not a word but an excuse. Don’t start a fire you can’t put out. You must finish it. Having stated that and knowing what I know now, this would be my advice to the younger Njeri.

Baby girl, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. You are one of a kind so let that sink in. As it does don’t ever use that beauty or allow it go to your head that you feel entitled to getting ahead in life just because you are beautiful. You are smarter than that. Speaking of smart, don’t worry about pleasing your family by trying to achieve something that has already been done. You are not an A student and guess what that is okay. At least you are not a D student either. Focus on your strengths. I see how writing those compositions leaves a smile on your smile as you express your thoughts and dreams with a pen and paper. Hold on to that. You will get somewhere with that. It might not open the doors you are hoping but it will keep you grounded. Forget about fitting in. You are meant to draw in crowds not be one.

You will grow into your body eventually. Listen, that figure eight concept might never apply in your entire life and I need you to embrace that. As for trends and fashion, girl that might take you a while to know what works for you so if jeans and sneakers is what rocks your world do it. Thank you for learning to walk in heels at the age of twelve. You will thank yourself one day for that as well. Stop using anything and everything on your face. You have more to offer the world other than getting a smooth face so relax. You are a special girl very hormonal but unique. Go see a dermatologist and lay off fats especially French fries.

Career wise don’t even sweat it. You will have the required qualification but they won’t take a chance on you. Where you think you are supposed to be is not where God will bless you. What is the one course you are afraid of? That’s where God will lead you so you might as well change your attitude. Speaking of attitude life is not a fashion runway so drop all of those female “friends”. This is not a beauty pageant and if it was you think they want the best for you? Again, you will thank me for that.

It’s lonely at the top. I disagree. It’s lonely as you make your way to the top. Work on your relationship with God  first because anyone you place your trust on other than God will fall short of your expectations. I need you to be very open minded. Along the way, you will meet fascinating boys and semi gentlemen. Not everything that glitters is gold. Those are aluminum foils so don’t give them a second thought. You will be misunderstood by many and approached by few. Seek wisdom above everything else. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t allow others opinions cloys your mind. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts. If possible be your own bestfriend although no man is an island ask God to allow the right people in your life.

Be kind. Be patient. Be a decent human being. Love fearlessly, laugh loudly and put yourself out there. Go for what you want and walk away from what you don’t want. State your opinion and stay true to who you are. You deserve the kind of love you have been trying to give everyone else. Give yourself permission to accept help and receive kindness and love from others. Whatever you do, so it passionately so much so that you will leave your mark everywhere you go. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Most importantly, enjoy yourself.

Somedays you will get a #RealityCheck to keep you in line or get you out of your comfort zone. When you know, baby girl you will know then you will become unstoppable. Be free of society and who knows someone somewhere could be waiting for you because you could be their, “Where have you been all my life?”