Memories

A day like today 2009 on my birthday there was a fire traged at Nakumatt downtown . I was bored out of my mind and my then boyfriend showed up in one of the rooms I was in with flowers in his hands and I thought to myself great he got me a girlie gift. Not to sound ungrateful but gentlemen when you date a tomboy the last thing you want to do is make her feel uncomfortable by getting her gifts which make her feel guilty for not being a girlie girl. You know how women get all aww in public so I put on a little show just to show my appreciation. He always told me that he would get me what I don't want and the day was finally here. He laughed and gently whispered you don't have to pretend but enjoy am off to class.

Thirty minutes later we heard a loud bang and screams followed. Then it was completely dark. We all feared for our lives but more so on a personal level I was terrified of walking in public with flowers in my hands. There was panic and confusion everywhere. Then it was confirmed that just a block away Nakumatt downtown was on fire. I immediately went in shock and even as I write this my heart is beating out of my chest.

How do you move on from such trauma? How do you encourage someone who survived or lost a loved in to such agonizing pain? You don't. Instead you live through the good memories left behind , compose yourself and slowly take one step at a time .

Ever since that day, somehow I have found it hard to celebrate my birthday. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the cake but I have never made a fuss or a big deal about not getting presents or what I wanted. I felt guilty that by celebrating it out loud would only remind the families of their tragedies. That is the main reason behind my nothing answer. What do you want me to get you? NOTHING!

It was just disclosed to me by my sweet mum that on my birthday her and my old man secretly celebrate their anniversary. I always knew those two bunch of teenagers were up to something but now I know what. I have never felt more special in my entire life. Here I was thinking I didn't live up to their family name leave alone expectations but all along I served a purpose more beautiful than any title. No offense to my siblings but Hey *giggles* . No wonder am always positive on love and falling inlove. My parents don't have it altogether but seeing as they raised a bunch of imperfectly perfect kids, I don't mind God granting me that kind of love. I don't want to ape what they have but I want to live my love and shenanigans out with the one man who looks at me and still says baibee you can GERRIT ALL OF IT .

Forgive me if this time round I choose not to live in the past and celebrate myself. I have not forgotten about it, I just choose to use the memories to better myself and those around me. To those who lost loved ones, it's okay to create new memories not replacing them but they would want you to be happy. It's okay to cry but not wear sorrow as though that is your portion. It's okay to accept the help from someone else. You are not betraying their memories. No one can ever replace them but its time to forgive yourself and let go of the pain.

This is my birthday Present to you that until you can be strong enough on your own let me encourage you. Let someone else Love you until you learn to love yourself. 2016 it's okay. And that is my #RealityCheck

My birthday eve

I have been waiting for this year as though it were my dream come true. In a way it is. It was prophetically confirmed and am glad to have been there to allow my entire being sink it all in. What most people don't know about me is that I have faith in God. He is all I have in this life he graciously gave me. Without God, I am nothing just a skull with a sign written Danger Ahead . God is my everything.  He is my all or nothing.

That makes me different.  At first I didn't understand it and even ran away from who I truly am. Now I can't get enough of it because I have embraced that standing out is a good thing. I don't have to be in a crowd to make a difference. By now most of you know that I started this blog when I tried issuing my first my black is beautiful to a well known magazine to publish it but I guess all along I was meant to start a blog instead. My blog was not only inspired by my passion for writing but by two important people in my life.  My bestfriend and Romeo. Not his real name.

I don't want to be famous.I just want to share my experiences and that someone out there who has been turned down or frustrated by hearfelt matters knows it's okay to not be okay. My blog is the one thing am proud of.  I followed through an idea. It was hard and still is but I always try.

So why have you given up? Is it because of society you choose to stay in an abusive relationship? Like you would rather die each day than live a life alone? Wow I admire your courage but saddened by your determination.  Is it because the one you love loves someone else so you have given up on love? How is that working out for you? Walking around carrying so much bitterness and anger towards someone who is living life large? They don't owe you an apology for stringing you along. We all know what we are getting ourselves into as far as love goes. It's either it's mutual or one way. I would rather live a single life than be with a man out of gratitude.How pathetic am I that no one else wants to go bananas over? We all deserve better.

I am taking this opportunity to thank all my page views both old and new for taking the time to laugh, shake your heads, correct my grammar and secretly agree with me. If I had a book club we would all enjoy taking turns to share juicy details about the past and the future.

Today being my birthday eve, I feel grown.  Like I can take on any issue not that am advocating for drama but I feel wiser. The way I would have reacted last year is not the same way I would have reacted today. The old me used to hold grudges because I lacked closure. The now me gets mad atmost three days and finds myself laughing it out. Thank you selective amnesia and hearing.  If I don't like you, I don't listen to a word you say instead I sit there and watch you tell me who you truly are through your actions when expressing yourself. 

I talk less and listen more. I cry less and laugh more. I discourage less and encourage more. I pray more and humiliate myself less. I judge less and understand more. I forget less and celebrate more. For every less in my life, I add or look for more. I don't believe in facts but rely on my inner voice. I have mastered the skill of being still. Before taking any risk I always weigh the consequences.

I am ready for what is ahead of me because everything I have had to encounter and endure has led me to this . This new year am going to love harder without having to compromise my integrity. I am going to forgive myself for my shortcomings and others. No one owes me anything. On a side note though am expectant of a harvest. Just like 27dresses the movie, this year everyone I have ever gone out of my way for will return the favour. 

I am highly blessed and favoured by the most high God and that checkmates is a #RealityCheck

Pre - harvest

That is what I would call this. A pre - harvest because it's not the actual harvest but what comes right before.  They usually come in form of surprises. Sure you had thought of it long ago but due to the current circumstances it's not even a thought. Have you ever believed in something or someone to the extend of praying about it , hoping that this time in as much as everything else takes too long to come to pass this one has to come true. It must. What others would call radical faith.

Months or days later you talk yourself out of your 'harvest' because to be honest we all get tired. When you least expect it as life goes on, life no God has a weird way of answering your prayers. It's true what I have heard and read that when you are good to people, they forget. When you go out of your way for others they will never go out of their way for you in return. When you stay loyal people will quickly betray you . That doesn't change who you are in the end. That is their decision not yours so don't be mad if they don't text you back or drop whatever they are doing to go out of their way for you. They don't owe you anything not even an explanation leave alone an apology for not rising to your occasion .

When you humbly be yourself without getting anything in return it doesn't make you weak or an easy target. It makes you independent, confident and comfortable in your own skin.  You have something they all see in you but will never tell you. Secretly they admire you.  It may not be immediately it never is anyway but when you least expect it when it's truly your season to be celebrated God will surprise you in the very same way you always pictured it only this time it's real. It will be speechlessly amazing.  That much I can assure and guarantee . Continue to do good because the right "person" *God* is watching and planing your reward when you need it the most.

And that is my #RealityCheck

Night challenge

Yes, I have just been given a night challenge. To do what you may ask? It's rather silly to me but a reality to someone else. Find someone to sleep next to every night . His words not mine. He is such a hilarious gentleman but enough about him.

I don't mind females insinuating that am growing old after all that is what we are good at using the age card to win arguments. Oh please I am still young ....No you are not grandma *giggles* That right there ladies and gentlemen is a talk to land any human being in the enemy zone .

When a man walks up to you and suggests you "do something about your love life" to me that is the ultimate wake up call. Here I thought I am holding it down for team single *laughs* but it turns out my status has been causing afew men some sleepless nights . Why is it ladies that when one man suggests something to us we always claim that most if not all men said the same. It could be because one man's opinion is the same of that if the rest or we could be in serious relationships with illusion.

Forgive me for what am about to write but has it ever occurred to people who are "taken" that I too want a companion but unlike you I will not rush or insist on a love that doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong am happy for you but am single not because no man is asking me out but because I haven't met someone worth waking up next to. A night of stolen kisses and caresses with an available man cannot compare to getting butterflies over someone who takes your breath away or so I imagine.

I am not saying what you have is not real or what I will get will be perfect but I am willing to wait for that kind of love. Now that is my singlehood #RealityCheck.

Have a good night checkmates

Facial chronicles

As I write this, I have no idea what title to give it. Should it be it's never what it seems, beware , be warned, health marketers because those are some of the words to describe some of the ladies misleading genuine health and skin nutritionist. The worst thing to ever do is not play or toy around with a woman's heart but her beauty. It's the one thing that comes naturally so please if you are a marketer just say it, am hear to promote this product but please don't mislead naive or desperate women going through a nervous breakdown.

The most important feature in a woman's body is her face. Even I the religious believer of character and personality knows that. So today am sharing my experience.  A while back who am I kidding I started battling with my skin and in particular my face when I went to high school.  That borehole forgive me if some of you are trying to figure out what that means but I guess at the time, times were hard and there was a water shortage. Just by writing that I feel so sorry for myself like how poor was that *giggles* . I assure you, it wasn't but we had to survive somehow.  The tap water was also not skin friendly and so I developed rushes. At first I thought it was due to 'that time of the month' but later it got worse.

Diamonds are not a girls best friend, paranoia is. We are our own worst enemies and just like that I became my own doctor.  Nothing worked and so I went with the flow though deep down I was falling apart considering I was in a mixed school. The best thing to ever happen after the four years of self inflicted torture was ponds make up. It was the original and expensive type and that is when things got a bit better. I have discovered that where most if not all of us go wrong is not in the beginning trying to plan or organise but in maintaining be it friendship or relationship. I couldn't afford to maintain the sudden facial lifestyle that began as a gift.

I tried every trick in the book but the more I researched the worse I made it. I even came to the conclusion that I had acne. I was hard on myself looking back. That was a harsh term to use on myself . Google the meaning of acne and then click on images and you will realize what you have is nothing compared to what others go through. Were they red? Ofcourse not. But they felt red. Again paranoia was who I was dating at the moment. Google zit and click on images.

Someone adviced on how they used the simple products ( Simple toner,  Simple mosturiser etc) to help clear their skin so I went and purchased the products. I thought to myself what an angel, a sisters keeper.  Well, I took my words back. Later on they confessed of how garnier bb cream worked wonders and like a fool spent so much only for my face to feel like a cake *to many layers* heavy! That is when I realised that they were just hired to market products online and I felt so cheated .

I took matters in my own hands and did my own research. That is when it hit me. I had neglected my body. I had a serious dislike for water. So when I tried out the seven glasses a day theory, I started to see results. Later on I discovered my feeding habits were poor as well. Ladies, the only reason why I got zits was because I consumed too much of french fries. Day in day out, I was a french fry ambassador. The minute I changed my diet to water and less greesy foods my face looks amazing. Not just my face but my skin is soft and glows.

If you have the resources, ladies get a nutritionist. A second opinion from a professional. Take the time to learn and understand your skin and body. My #RealityCheck was when cheap became very expensive .

We all have weight issues

It's the first week of the new year and am sure most of us are battling with this monster that unfortunately cannot be brushed aside. Some of you gained weight during the festive season while the rest of us and by us I mean me, am battling with maintaining my weight.

The most unfortunate thing that can ever happen to someone who has ever gained weight in all the right areas is loosing it and trying to gain it all back. Don't get me wrong, it feels good to be able to rock a tank top or a bra say in a club and show off you flat stomach but eventually it gets old. This is how you know you are in your own level of contentment when you give up the one thing that society thinks they need to be happy.

Society is not my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy trying to get back to where I was. Pushing my body too hard yet frankly speaking no one cares. Everyone else is busy chasing success and not worrying themselves if that old pair of Jeans will still fit me. He is my new theory, if it doesn't fit, get a new one. If those cute flat shoes no longer flatter your feet, get a manicure and a doll shoe while at it. I call it the level up #RealityCheck.  Ladies the same way we raise standards when deciding if that man is right for us why not do the same with our body issues? With our weight to be specific. 

Take a good long hard look at yourself and tell yourself,  you know what baby girl, you will never be a size zero or bigger than this so make the most of it and flaunt it. We are quick to camouflage it by wearing brightly coloured , too short or too tight clothing. Dress as though you are taking yourself out on an expensive date. While you are busy trying to enhance that behind, the one with all that junk in the trunk is wishing if only someone would like them for their character and personality and not over the fact that they have a round behind.

One man's gold is another man's poison and vice versa and that is life for you. So this year, appreciate your imperfections because what you "lack body wise" God makes it up character wise and society,  sadly society will always expect more.

And that is my #RealityCheck

2016

Happy new year checkmates. 

I am beginning to slowly understand why things had to happen to me the way they did in the past. It was not because I was bad or did something worth the pain and disappointments but because I had to be prepared for now.

Sometimes you lack for you to appreciate the *little* you have. Sometimes you are sick to appreciate that good health is a blessing and not a right. Sometimes you sacrifice for others not because they are incapable of doing the same but for better things to find you along the way . Sometimes you have to have been in the same situation for you to fully understand someone going through the same without judgement. 

Being calm is a gift that only those patient enough in life truly appreciate.  When you are frustrated somehow it humbles you. If you are wise enough you will evaluate your ways and approach in life. Things are never the same again. You get to know who is meant to be in your life the hard way.  Now this is where my #RealityCheck comes in.

This year, I still don't have concrete resolutions.  I am rather a let God surprise me kind of woman of faith. One thing I am sure of though is that am willing to learn and love throughout the entire journey. A cat has nine lives so at the end of it all, I want to be remembered as the lady who loved as though she had nine hearts. I have room to accommodate more of what life has to offer me.

To new #RealityChecks .......
Here! Here!

My 2015 testimony

Coming into this year, I had a number given to me the previous year and I struggled because I thought it was a bible verse. I wanted it to be but deep down no matter how many times I tried to convince myself and pray about it, I knew that it was just that a number. It had been such a difficult year yet no one knew of my struggles because I am not one to complain or show leave alone ask . I am the lady who has the strength when everyone else around me gives up , the one who holds on when loved ones let go and the one who always go out of her way for others strangers included. So you see, there is never room for a pity party.

When I was busy seeking  God and finding myself , understanding my purpose, God brought someone my way. Have you ever met someone you felt you knew your entire life? That is how it felt. That special person gave me something still to date I will never fully understand. The 2015 prophecy was in the book of Isaiah 61:7 . The gift was in alignment with the years promise.

One thing that stood out was when the woman of God said that good ideas can be expensive and immediately I knew that the number would finally make sense. In life there are struggles you go through not because you are a bad person or made wrong mistakes but there are things you can't pray out off. Jesus tried it but he knew he had to die for God's will to be fulfilled. You don't have to walk around feeling like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulder just because bad things happen to good people. God allows them for a reason and later on it will make sense. Maybe it this or that hadn't happened things would have been different. No, things would have been a lot worse. As a human being we only see of tomorrow but God sees beyond generations to come. So don't overwhelm your heart with the guilt. It's time to forgive yourself, the parties involved and allow yourself to move on.

It's funny how we make empty promises only to disappoint the very same people who meant so much to us. What hurts the most is when you are at your worst and getting to hear and watch that one someone quickly forget of your existence. That is when you feel as though nothing matters anymore and the walls have surely closed in and you have nowhere left to turn to. Have you ever had God and felt so alone. Like the more you pray the worse things get. Bad sometimes gets to worse and the only way to make it out alive is to accept. It is what is it. That low moment when even your inner devil is sick of your shenanigans.

The worst thing about coming out of any situation stronger and better is having to choose whether to get even or be the same old good Christian you were before the disappointment. You can't be evil when you have a beautiful heart. Your kindness will always betray you.so the only thing left it so you tell yourself is to be mature about. I don't understand why but instead of being mad at God , I started thanking him for teaching me to be selfless. That is when it hit me, that is why no matter how many times I keep messing up, God still blesses me because I am a good person. That is when I started to embrace this whole am perfectly imperfect. I am a Christian who likes ratchet music. Am shy but there is nothing shy about my character, personality and words. I will smile and curse you out at the same time.

The easiest way to loose someone or get someone to stop caring is when you give them the cold shoulder. No one deserves to be ignored and to me that calls for a say no more moment.

The woman of God said that those who possessed us must free us 2015 to fulfil God's purpose. And so it happened, God made a way and somehow the journey felt easier. She also said that promises come with tests and trials . I was tested and tried and I have got to admit, I knew I had it in me but when I stood up and defended what I believed it, it scared me. When worse get a to worst something magical comes out of it and many don't get to experience it because they avoid or ran away. That is when I went back and confirmed what the woman of God had said that God would give you the grace to endure and fight.

2015 would be the year of intimacy with God. I longed for this the most and ended up hungering to be God's friend. I always thank God for my best friend because I met her through a mutual and at the time when I was nursing a broken heart, she was the only one who sat with me saying nothing, just being there and with time she reminded me of the lady I was in God. Her love and faith in God is what made the two of us become best friends. She is the only woman if anything ever happened to me, I would leave a will for her to marry my husband. She is the only person who can love him the way I can.

I am lucky to have such an amazing true friend who listens to my madness and always sobers me up with a quick reality . It's not like I don't do the same but am more of the imaginative one and she the realistic one. We build each other up which is rare because ladies only seem to be tearing each other down , competing and this is absurd but coming from a man then it must be true, friends are sleeping with each other's boyfriends. Am not even going to waste my time on this foolishness.

The woman of God also gave us a number and I used that to challenge God 2015 and my prayers were answered and I got my Christmas wish and a bonus. What I learnt during Christmas is that Mary knew that Joseph was about to leave her so she went to visit her cousin Elizabeth who was six months pregnant. Like I had earlier on Saud when worse gets to worst a hidden miracle happens. To most John the Baptist was already dead but when Elizabeth went to greet Mary, a miracle happened. When Jesus went to be baptized, who announced him...the same miracle.

Indeed 2015 God fulfilled his promise to me in Isaiah 61:7

And that is my testimony and #RealityCheck in 2015