Sunday

I don't know if it's the loneliness writing this or am just being a little to real but Sunday's tend to feel like fifteenth February you know the day after Valentines Day. You sit there staring in one directions thoughts clouding your mind. It sounds more of having a board meeting with I, Me & Myself and they all can't seem to agree. 

You had expectations on the fourteenth which in this case was the entire week so here we are again. You have been doing the same thing over and over again but nothing seems to be adding up. Sunday thoughts creep up dawning on you that enough is enough. Like Valentine's Day you have been waiting for this relationship to go to the next level but nothing. Ladies, this year most of you were hoping that he would finally pop the question after all you have played your part as the patient not forgetting loyal girlfriend all too well. But no! He repeated the very same words you had vowed never to tolerate from any man even him even though you know there is no life without him. I tend to think that's how someone madly and deeply inlove reasons. 

Gentlemen, you have out done yourselves by being by her side even when she pushed you away and your bank account is a witness. All these years and time you have been waiting for that one sign or reason why you should finally settle down with her but still she gave you nothing.

Sunday leaves you feeling like life bit you in the heart. The bleeding doesn't stop. It's the one day everyone stays indoors nursing hangovers and acting the happy family to save face. For those of us who look forward to going to church for the weeks word at times we leave the house of God feeling short. Like pastor you are telling me one thing but life is handing me the opposite. 

Just reflect on what is expected of you the coming week , forget the disappointments and embrace the new unfolding unknown new experience. Thank you Sunday. 

Funny Friday

While I have been privileged to be driven home "matatu" , I couldn't help but be lost in the beauty of Nairobi at night. Then I spotted this blue Subaru but what intrigued me were the passengers . This legible bachelor in his late twenties or early thirties I couldn't tell well for today was rather a long day and his girlfriend or    what if whom he was clearly trying to please with his driving skills.

The faster the matatu went the slower the couple drove. Either the car was new or like I had earlier suspected he was trying to impress miss fine thing who sat there not was though she owned the car but as though she was cautious. There are two types of passengers as far as we ladies go, the type that rolls down the windows and wonders what in the world she is doing there while putting on a this is my mans car attitude *trust me they are not hard to miss* and the kind that didn't want a lift but since it seemed economical I will take you up on that but get this nothing is going down who for some reason sit as though they are taking a lying detecting test. 

I couldn't help but smile because deep down I knew what the man was thinking. Chances are if he is in a serious relationship with another he was probably buying time while still confirming with his friend of his place was available to do the dirty act or if he is single which I doubt but will give him the benefit of a doubt he wants to seal the deal but doesn't know if it's too soon to ask for it. 

Why would anyone driving a fast car slow down? Here I am working on getting myself one not only to speed on the highway but initially race. The sacrifices men make to impress us I tell you we never notice them until we are on the other side watching. Personally this goes out to my future husband please just be yourself. If speed is your thing, impress me by doing you. 

SoulMate

My work is to dig up the dirt and make work easier for my readers. While some of you are sited there secretly and others to some extent judging me out loud, the rest are smiling in realizing that someone somewhere is going out of their way to make life worth it.I should if not could write in a proper ahem I mean intellectual manner but all that drama is not for me.As you sit there and try to figure me out if indeed am real *picks up a mirror* sheer perfection with a sparkle of madness , sarcasm and stubbornness. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am real. As real as they come or can get. And a lady for that matter.

I have a soul mate, I just haven't been privileged enough to meet him in person.It sucks I know. I have been having a pep talk about how I want to be in a relationship 2015 and how I will love him past his pain but the more he is taking his sweet time out there whomever he is, I am running out of patience. I am being real. I feel like settling for the next best thing or you see how you meet up with an old friend and people ridicule you of how you would make a perfect couple and you think to yourself, hey, I don't have to search or wait anymore, he is here....he has always been here.Let's be real, this is not #BaggageClaim2 and that is not my story atleast I hope I have not been that blind/naive.

I am a special kind of lady who is easily inspired but hard to impress. Complicated doesn't even begin to describe me. Sophisticated, yes in some areas but humble.Back to soul mate, yes I was listening to #5 Keys To Identifying Your SoulMate by Touré Roberts and it hit me, I think I met my soul mate already three out of the five keys match up but the other two and reality check are not adding up. It left me soberly confused. Does that make sense? I hear what you are telling me but damn it it is not adding up.Everything else that is missing is not from either party but God. See *here we go with my preaching* everytime God is involved in any situation, you never have the final say.You might even die trying to figure it out.

I am a lady and I heard only that which I wanted to hear so I don't know if I have all five or remixed them abit to fit my situation.This is what I got

a)If it is a soul mate you can let go
I was like pastor with all due respect but are you mad?Let who go?Are you kidding me. I have had to wait all my life for this man to find me and now that he has you are asking me to do what now? Son,I believe you  meant to say that I should keep him close with prayers and love.Now that makes perfect sense.When I got home I was still mad at the pastor and even started to question if this was a man of God or the devil playing mind tricks on me.The devil is a liar. No, am not allowing that beautiful go.When I finally calmed myself down I realized that he was right. If I did not trick him into being in my life in the first place why wouldn't I allow him leave the same way he came in. See that is the difference between selfless love and selfish love. The former sets the person free with no ill intentions while the latter holds on to the person with the mindset of am the best choice for you.

b)You don't seek them out, God presents them to you when you are ready.
Personally I have been a victim of wanting to present myself.You find someone you like and dropping hints like am free or flexible you know helping them out in their decision but I have come to embrace that if he wants me, he will find me and no I will not make it easier for him to know that am interested.By doing this I trying to show God that I was ready but deep down even I knew I wasn't for the long commitment.When you are busy wrapped up with other things other than love, that's when it comes looking for you.

c)Divine confirmation
When you are with the right person it feels as though they bring about your sense of purpose.
A revelation leads you. That is how you find yourself in an I can't explain situation.

d)Power and blessing of a soulmate
If all that man/lady does is drain the finances, mental, physical and psychological part of you,after reading the entire blog,don't stop here go get rid of that parasite.Parasitism is a non-mutual symbiotic relationship between species, where one species, the parasite, benefits at the expense of the other, the host.Best believe I went there *laughs*

I don't recall the last key or if the above are keys or just my highlighted points to live by.You can't blame a sister for trying.
Another thing the pastor emphasized was that you need to be whole.Don't settle for someone who has this , you complete me mentality. They have to be complete on their own first to avoid codependency.This is where I get to squeeze in the bring your fifty and I bring my fifty.Ladies, I know most of you have a problem with this but if you want a realistic relationship you need to be real and face reality head on.

That sums up what I gathered as far as soul mate goes.I will let you know how mine unveils in due time but in the meantime, I am working on myself and this blog one inspiration at a time.

 

From my eyes to yours

Someone read my blog and proceeded to tell me that I don't hurt not in my blog anyway.Here I thought I was pouring out my heart and thoughts into this blog and all I get is a wall.Yes I say a wall because according to that individual it appears as though am trying to be someone else.So not true by the way but it is not in my place to convince leave alone explain myself. There are those who hear and those who listen and in this particular persons case they have eyes but not inner eyes.I don't have to write/blog of how am hurting for others or myself to fit in. Rather what I do is use the pain, disappointment and lesson refine all three into a sober selected set of words to describe what I am feeling at that particular moment.I don't have to include,"with tears running down my cheeks'" for you the reader feel or connect with me. I love exaggeration because it spices up a story but cheap drama to get sympathy really that is not my style.I am more in touch with ‪#‎Reality‬ than with my feelings.

I was wisely advised to never reason leave alone argue out any situation with my feelings but rather take a deep breath if possible sleep over it, get my facts right and then deliver a heartfelt case.When people criticize your efforts don't look at it as a minor set back but rather a ‪#‎ChallengeAccepted‬ . If you have never watched ‪#‎HowIMetYourMother‬ you should make it a point this year and understand that if you take life too seriously, you have been missing out on all the action. Barney Stinson sees life in a different perspective and like him I choose to see the good out of every bad situation.
As I close, the challenge was not only accepted but signed, sealed and well delivered.

Yours truly,
‪#‎RealityCheck‬

My now thought

The dangers of not knowing what you want out of life is not only scary but real. Understand this if you don't expect anything then chances are you will accept everything life throws your way. You become desperate & desperate people initially have nothing to loose. 

Don't settle just because it's available but do it because you cannot go another day without that change in your life . Allow yourself the opportunity to be surprised by life & not surprise life by caving in just because the offer is thrilling. 

Many of us if not most of us have accepted afew if not more relationships be the center of their lives just because the other party was available. I always say easy come easy go. Just because he/ she is what you wanted & available doesn't necessarily mean they are meant to be in your life. 

This is my now thought. Will write more 

Going Back

Being successful has its own meanings to different individuals.Out of the many I have two ringing loudly in this silent room.One is not getting your enemy to trust you but like what you have to say. Convincing. That right there is a powerful word. If you can get people to buy into whatever you are putting out there, then you pose as not only a threat but a powerful individual. You are worse than a ticking bomb.When you read or rather see going back you might sit there and think, has this lady gone out of her freaking mind? Perhaps, well, we all can't be normal you know. On the real though, this is the best form of a reality check. It helps you stay sober if not sane. If all you ever do is win and never fall at some point, then you are cheating or delusional.You are living in a cloud called denial. I assure you not even the Queen of England has it all smooth so how about you a mere nobody no offense but then again we are being realistic, what makes you think you will have things handed to you? Let me go a little deeper and add not even Jesus himself the son of God was loved , accepted or lived the good life while on Earth. I am temped to go deep into the word but is for another day.

As I write this the major success screaming out is going back and being able to face that old situation. Courage. Being courageous enough to understand that just because you have matured doesn't necessarily mean the past has evolved. You have to be bold enough to accept that even though the past may not change, you can change and be part of the change. What am suggesting is not rocket science leave alone impossible but most people avoid the past because they are scared of the outcome. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. This is what I have been living by this year. Like I always say, it is only too late when death is involved. Not that you have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. Life is not robbing you of the life you think you can have neither God nor the devil. I am so sorry to break it to you but you have been holding yourself back. Everytime you post pone that to do list or whatever it is you keep regarding as ,"not now, someday, soon,later,it was not meant to be" I wish at times you would take the time to listen to yourself talk and not just talk but talk yourself out of you.

No one wants to hang around a partypooper, sadist and moment killer. Yes, you have slowly become those three things so as much as the right people try to be in your life you end up attracting the opposite. Ladies, if that man never gave you closure and that is why you keep regarding all men as dogs and players, a good man will never find his way to you because even 'badboys and drunks' want a good lady to go home to. Does that make sense like the reason why they only want you as the trophy and never the wife material. It is alleged that men will treat ladies according to how they carry themselves. If you have standards, he will maintain the standards but if you have no expectations then somehow along the line start demanding or act as if you expect from him, he will run. Gentlemen, we ladies know that there is always that one lady who screwed it up for the rest of us when you decided to lower your guard, swallow your pride and let her in, she pulled a fast one on you. We get it, but why must I personally pay for a crime I did not commit just because I remind you of her? How do I remind you of her in the first place?

Instead of playing this blame game time and again, we boys and girls need to take the time to just reflect on what we want.Instead of focusing on how to get or achieve it, you should work on what you will be bringing in. Take a moment and just talk. Lay it all out in the open assuming the people who read this are mature enough to listen, allow correction and communicate. Not yell,shout or curse but talk like a human being not only thinking about yourself because it is not always about you but learn to put yourself in that other persons shoes. It is so easy to judge when you merely have the facts. It is easy to dismiss when all you could have done is given that person a benefit of a doubt. How would you feel if you walked in a room and the very same thing you always do to others was done to you? 2015 come off your high and mighty I don't need anyone horse and try walking. Enjoy the view from down here.

The greatest joy is being at peace with yourself. Something no one else but yourself can offer. Realize this, seasons change but sadly some people will never change.Be open minded and you will be surprised at how you and being scared has been holding you back.

so, how about it, are you willing to go back?

Inspired by Brown Sugar

See my version of brown sugar has nothing to do with hip-hop although there is music involved but not that kind. One of my not so secret blog readers was on my case for not blogging. Well, to be honest I have two reasons. The real one being I just had to deal with my demons. I wanted nothing to do with this kind of thing because I felt as though I was a two face byach. I mean one thing but always act out the opposite. The other excuse would be I was looking for inspiration. Which is a total lie. I was watching days fly by without a care in the world hoping that in due time I would eventually forget this blog. 

After watching Just Wright the movie yes this is the sixth time I have re-watched it. Definitely not the last. Someone one's told me well 'they' stopped being apart of my life that am Lesly Wright the character that Queen Latifah plays. Like no offense she is beautiful in her own unique way but I aint nothing like her. I took offense until I re-watched it over again and 'someone' explained that am always the good girl and that good girls always finish last. That 'someone' alleged that the Morgan character is what most men go for. I can't be mad at that because somehow it is true. I have done my research and men are physical beings. But I also came to understand that when a man likes you the way you look ladies is the least of his worries. He overlooks the 'trophy' and goes for what he wants. 

There is nothing young about me except for my heart. I always refer to myself as an old soul. Back when music was music and people hooked up for all the right reasons.The worst mistake any human being is settle down with someone else just because they are available or fit in your world (everyone else expects you to settle with them or like them already but deep down you know the truth). Most of the relationships I have witnessed are out of comfort, safe and tolerance. Just because he/she was there when you had nothing growing up doesn't necessarily mean they are the right ones for you. That right there is love and a little bit of gratitude but not real love you know the kind that when he walks into a room you have butterflies, when he is mad at you nothing else matters than putting a smile on his face, if a day passes without having talked to him about the little silly things you feel like no one else understands you ,when you see or hear something he is all you think about or wish he was around to share the moment with him.

I see it but I don't think everyone else see's it. But when you are running your own race in life don't expect people to applaud leave alone support it.The minute you understand that it is not your job to try and convince them but rather show them is when you will truly be happy if not be at peace with yourself. This year know the things to prioritize and which ones to brush off.If no one comes to you for your opinion then why do you keep worrying about what others might say or think? Don't you think you are being a little too hard on yourself? If you are going to take risks this year ensure that the consequences are worth it.  What I mean is if you can look back at the experience and smile knowing you learnt, made a difference and you would do it all over again then go ahead. Don't make excuses that people are holding you back when in real sense you are the one always talking yourself out of taking a chance on life, love and whatever else is out there.

The secret in knowing if you are in the right place or relationship is simple. If you find yourself begging or forcing things to play out in real life as you imagined in your mind then you need to wake up before you miss the sanity bus.He/she will never see you more than they already see you. If 'they' are themselves with you and you can talk about anything and everything then I don't know why are you reading this when you should be making your way to 'them'

This year forget what everyone expects and forget the fact that you are afraid of the unknown. What makes you happy?If you can answer that with a straight face from deep within, then screw it keep doing whatever you do because it is working but if you feel like somehow inbetween the kisses and deep breaths you can help but feel the cold breeze do the honorable thing and go be happy.








A toast ladies and gentleman to my and your version of Brown Sugar.