My undefined

He is not a good kisser because that would mean I have kissed a lot of men and that I would be comparing his perfect set of lips with those of other good men out there. He is my ultimate turn on. Reason being he is everything I never wanted nor expected in life. He simply blows my mind. It's like everytime I am with him , time has a way of sitting still. It allows us to just be us. He is neither shy not proud but rather what you would term as a modern man with an old soul.

What gets me about this mad man for indeed he is one mad man is his faith in God. Oh yes that man can "gerrit" . He doesn't even have to ask or beg for it, I would gladly offer myself as the ultimate gift to unwrap. I know ho ho ho *giggles*. 

He looks one thing yet is the complete opposite. He comes off as the rock as in the wrestler but in real sense he is the sweetest yet fragile man I have ever come across. When he is sentimental it comes off a trick to me but to be honest I love it when he is mad. Especially when I make him mad. It makes me desire him even more. 

Ladies ,don't just get with a good or bad man. Get one who gets you on your toes. That unpredictable man who leave s you brethly anticipating for next time if there is a next time.

I have to go now, see if I can get back into his good books. Wish me luck or I will spending Christmas kicking myself. He has to com around, damn it I will make him come around after all, like any other lady, I have my own unique charm of getting my way. Ain't that the ugly truth. Sorry gentlemen. 

Enjoy yourselves darlings. 

Sleepy Zzzz...........

I know its been a while since I blogged but am here and hopefully here to stay.I missed you checkmates although I have never heard from any of you but I know you are out there.Thank you for not giving up on me even though to be honest I feel like just calling it a life ..deactivating this account and just going back to my same old familiar life. You ever feel that?Like you took a leap of faith, did what you were expected to do but still nothing good has come of it. I pretty much feel like that.Hopeless yet helpless.Like I am already doing something yet if feels like am just warming the edge of this seat.

Well today being Friday,am assuming most offices are holding their end of the year party.Where you all act like you were besties yet at some point you wanted to set them on fire like literally. The offers are out of this world.It is everything you had envisioned it would be. Anything but boring. You would really go out of your way to have the time of your life.You would be kicking it up a notch by learning a new dance move or hook up with a random stranger. It Christmas no one is judging you , not yet anyway.But then the most bizarre thing happens , you decline each offer and end up blogging instead. From the sound of things people are clearly dancing the night away. The amazing thing is that you don't feel out of place...no sir/ma'am. You feel right at home all along doing the one thing you enjoy the most talking to yourself through this blog. 

Like I always say things are not meant to unfold the way we always expect them to but they unfold the way they are supposed to ...on their own. It sucks you probably want to punch me in the face right about now coz I don't understand that you have not been getting a break all year through and I don't blame you.Damn right you deserved to have a good night what is left of it anyway but think about it, would you still like you in the morning knowing you went all out just to prove a point that indeed you too can 'get down'. I assure you, times will come when you will be the one declining the offers for you will nothing but time to kick back and relax so until then, keep pushing on your end. Invest and save every last coin you have worked hard for. 

Will it be worth it, you bet your sweet or handsome self it will be but when, I don't know babygal/babyboy that not even I have an answer to. All I know is that you are not alone in this so just keep warm.




                                                

Goodnight checkmates!!

It's not yet Christmas 🎄

I still have ample time until it's Christmas. The holidays just began I know but it still feels unreal to me. For those of you who had planned to end this year in a grand way and by now nothing seems to be looking up then you are in the right place. Let me keep you company. Why not grab a mug of hot chocolate and a cookie considering it's the holidays so everyone else is eventually high on sugar so nobody is judging atleast until January *smile*.

Today was a bad day for it did not unfold as I had expected. But I guess that is the beauty of it. It unfolded the way God wanted it to. I was just talking to my best friend this morning via text as we have been so busy we barely see each other. Change is good like I always say so if it means having to support a friend achieve her goals then so be it. Go out of your way to ensure your friend whether swamped with work or not still knows they can rely on you. Don't stop being you just because you got a promotion or this mostly happens to us ladies change just because you are in a relationship. Remember boyfriends come and go but finding a true friend you can always turn to no matter where fate places you on this face of the earth is priceless.

I just wanted to give back. Wanted to go volunteer cleaning kids clothes at a children's home but being this time of the year it's rather tricky but I promise to put a smile on an orphan before next year. That is one of my Christmas wish. To make a difference in someone's life other than myself . As I write this I can only imagine how much fun I would be having in a different environment in good company making beautiful memories awaiting 2015. But like I said the one thing you are looking for is right where you are so don't go out of your way to search for it, it will come to you on its own at the right time. Just relax and meanwhile just be you.

What I want is not in a box. Nor can it be achieved by just wishing on a shooting star. That would be cool but let's be realistic my belief has improved. I will let you all know as soon as my wish is granted but until then let me take my own advise and just be the same old ridiculously awesome daughter, sister, friend ...... that I have always been. 

Happy holidays checkmates 😘

My Check List

2014 has been nothing short of an amazing year for me. I am not summing everything up just yet for am a strong believer in you life changing in a split second. That is how fast I believe my God is. Before you even think it, he will do you.I feel a preaching coming on so take a seat and allow me do my thing. A ll I have in this life is faith. That is the only thing that keeping me going. If you met me in person you would literally laugh out loud for I look nothing as I come off. I have even had the life of the party title thrown my way yet I don't party. Or maybe I have been running away from my calling. I don't believe in reincarnation so all this in another life I must have been a party animal just doesn't seat well with me. 

I am pleased to announce that in 2014 I conquered my fears. I have accepted and worked on challenges head on without having to back down. This year I have accomplished and won. Forget how Stella got her groove back,mama bear as I like to refer to myself *too much cable ...I know* went out of her comfort zone. I can't believe it was that enjoyable. You recall when I blogged a while back that it would all make sense and how one day you would bump into your past and laugh. Well it turns out I did bump into my past and boy did I have a laugh. I see life finally caught up with you quietly I myself. Good for you though I did not stop but walked right past. See when you are at a better place in your life you hardly have time to sit and celebrate the long waited victory. Sure you eyes at one point want to pop out and dance and you want to scream I told you so or even whisper who is laughing now but when you are at peace with yourself you can't help but feel sorry for what the past tried to do to you.And to think that I allowed you beat me down like that?

Coming into 2014 I had no major expectations though all I knew was that things would be different. At some point I knew God would restore to me everything the devil stole from me. I knew that there would be beauty for every ash I ever got. I knew that I would smile again. That only happened when I stopped running. When I stopped walking with my head hang down. It stopped when I stopped allowing it. No one one would have done this for me no matter how much they prayed or loved me, I had to want this bad enough for myself.

See when you have been in a bad relationship and you have a glimpse of a good man even though the timing is not right it creates hope and believe that not all men are bad, greedy, selfish and immature. There are good men out there waiting. All you have to do is avail yourself psychologically. The minute you stop hoping for the day God will compensate you for every wrong done in your life and start concentrating on I just want a break from all this form him, that is when things turn around. I should have been a preachers daughter, I know though who is to say am not *laughs*. When you wake up each day with a prayer of just get me through today instead of when will this suffering and pain ever end you will rob yourself of the gifts God has in stored for you. I realized that no one was denying me anything or robbing me of anything that is not already in my life.I spent years trying to figure out why that relationship never worked out and how he could forget what we had so fast that I longed for the day someone else would put him through what he put me through. Isn't that what we humans do, wait for karma to bite there where it hurts? I am no different. I lost focus and myself as well in the process of grief. I shut down and locked everyone out. I blamed myself and at some point I was mad at God. Like why did he allow something so beautiful *selfless love* go down the drain. Why did he have to bring me this far considering I had been dealing with other struggles and on top of that take the one man I was hopelessly inlove with turn against me. At what point would all this make sense? What was the moral of this story? Ever feel like God is punishing the wrong person? That is what I struggled with for a while. I was alive but barely living.I woke up each day thinking what a waste of a perfectly good breath on someone who had no chance of surviving.

There are people who suffer and those who struggle. I was battling with both. I had to keep it together even though everyone else left. All I had was a friend to a former friend and family. I only held on to dear life for them. 2014 is my year. It did not take months but years for me to finally admit that I am over it. I learnt the gift of forgiveness, letting go and new beginnings. I have not looked back ever since. I have matured, accepted and embraced both change and life. I now understand why one person has to go through so much. It was not for me as my new bestfriend tells me, only fine gold has to go through the fire for it to be perfect. So God was preparing me not just for what is to come but for those to come in my life. He allowed it to happen for he knew I had the grace to handle it. Hiding my smile is impossible now, and when I tell people I understand what they are going through, I know it all too well. I have been down but even while I sat there I still knew one day I would get up and never look back. The only time I look back is when am oiling my back or admiring my back in a mirror. 

I told you I would preach. I have met all sorts of men. Some way too good to be through and the rest still trying to figure out. With one bad break comes so many good things. Thinking about it now, I wish I would have suffered more for the fruits of my labor are all too sweet. Life has surprised me in ways I never thought it ever unfolded in reality. God has a sense of humor. I still think am living a dream for the things he has blessed me with are beyond what my naked eyes would have witnessed. He has overwhelmed my heart. He has blown me away. So as people look and judge my present I smile and think if you only met me a while back. The price I had to pay to be here. I will one day write a book but not now as I am unfolding a new chapter of the beginning of just the cover. There is much more to write as I continue to be unveiled secrets and things no one would believe I have heard or seen. I am a reality check. God's very own testimony.

This 2014 is just the beginning, there is so much more to come and yet the year is not yet over. One 
 moment can change your life forever. Be optimistic and whatever you do don't stop believing.

This is my check list

Enjoy It

I don't understand why people say February is the month of love when clearly December is all about love. Hey,that is just but my opinion.I can already feel it kicking in. Watching people holding hands on my way home so depressing by the way especially when reality dawns on you just how single you are. Damn you mother nature! When you turn on the television and it is all about how this couple met on Christmas Eve. This is worse than watching a horror movie, it's torture for not only the body but mind and soul.Don't even get me started on how people are making plans on where they are planning to have the Christmas party and the New years party as well. Am I the only one?I love Christmas the birth of Christ and the giving and sharing of food not much the present part but family.

Christmas is the one time you realize either how amazing your life is or how boring you are. When the messages stop coming in and the calls stop, it hits you, where is everybody? Out living it up.  You have been saving all year round to make this year memorable but then again there is the security issue .In other words you are stuck here. You can't hide in the office either because that would not only be awkward but it so happens your boss gave you the entire holiday off. Thanks alot by the way. So the only other option left is eat your heart out. You barely go clubbing and this season is different even all the drunks are kicking it with their families. Thanks alot traitors.

I imagined that by the 20th I would be miles away enjoying the holidays with in a cottage where I would go make memories with new friends and who knows if am lucky have a fling with a handsome stranger. What, I have been good all year round so it would only be right to be a little naughty. Nothing illegal I always tell myself. I am too busy to be in a relationship. Or so I keep telling myself but the truth is I am scared of what he expects of and from me. I don't think am in a position to give in or ready to walk down that road. I am not afraid of the fact that he might cheat or walk out on me but that I might not give him the opportunity to witness all that. I am always positive but then again it doesn't hurt to be realistic.Expect the good with the bad, the ugly with the beautiful. Don't be naive or too paranoid. Find a balance. Be open minded. 

All I know is that I want the last days of 2014 to be the very best. I want to take a risk. I will never know until I try. But not anything stupid that will cause or cost not only myself but those around me. Time to surrender. I have given 2014 the best of my new year and have countered each situation with my experience from other years.I will make the best of what is presented before me. I may not be in a position to travel because perhaps what am meant to find or find me is already around. I will laugh and dance and if truly in the mood even capture the moment.

Before the clock strikes midnight I will look back and have nothing to regret as far as 2014 is concerned. December comes ones in a year. It took too long to get here and now that it is here, what do I do? Enjoy it. 

Happy holidays Checkmates!

Monday

I have so many thoughts running through my mind and the problem is I don't know where to begin. It is as if I am doing the right thing yet I feel like crap. The more I give the less I feel.This is strange and all new to me for I have never been here before. Knowing me I like some juicy gossip. No offense to my fellow Kenyan's but international gossip is just entertaining. Don't get me wrong or do *giggles* but truth be told every girl likes her some steamy gossip especially when it involves someone she either likes, fond of or doesn't like. Either way gossip makes you feel as though you are part of the story. Like I am glad I was alive to read, witness or hear that. 

This morning, I woke up feeling as though I drunk last night. Whatever it was all I know is that it left a bad taste in my mouth. Focus people, I don't drink but I feel like I was drunk as a fish and cursed like a sailor. I love Mondays. I just do because while everyone else is struggling with #MondayBlues  am as fresh as a daisy. In short my weekend was not all that. The one thing adding up to my misery is something I learnt about someone I had figured out. I was right. I know I should be throwing myself a party to celebrate my, "I knew it" but am not. Instead am siting here writing this so lost.

When you meet someone more selfless than you are it, not only humbles you but scares the living daylight out of you. You feel as though you are empty. Like you have nothing to offer. Someone ones asked what do you give someone who has it all?I knew the answer to this question way before they asked. I would be like it is simple, love. Yes you just offer them the one thing money cannot buy. Love is priceless. It is not demanding or forced. It is both natural and calming. It is assuring. I have just learnt that Chris Brown is single again *not even going to act surprised* but I will tell you this
 though what he said or rather wrote left me speechless. It is as if he took the words right out of my head and wrote them. This is what he wrote, “We've got scars, some of them u gave me, some of them I've caused". This just confirmed to me that he is not only owning up to being part of the reason they broke up but accepting that it took the two of them for it not to work. what he wrote next just ...I don't even have words....just read it for yourselves ....,“That ride or die act we have been fooling the world with obviously ain't working". Goodness gracious. That right there is a bullet to the heart. Bulls eye. Jackpot. Bang!Bang! The end. Fin. That is a wrap people. And Cut. I feel like the director just wrapped everything up , the set has been cleared and you are just there waiting for the next scene only you were just watching the movie. Neither the actress nor the staring just a fan. 

Shit just got real.When a lady ends things people tend to sympathize but when a man ends a relationship and releases such a statement well not really a statement but when he uses such well sort out words like ACT , FOOLING THE WORLD and OBVIOUSLY . Those ladies are words that no man in your life should ever utter as far as your relationship is concerned. He just crucified you. No there is no come back. No t even the he cheated or you were never there for me card will help you. I always say women are good but men are the real puppet masters. Whatever you think you can do to a man, always know that they are two steps ahead. The only way you can win with a man is and this I will emphasize , is if he is inlove with you. Get me right not loves you but is monkey about you. Madly inlove with you and for that to happen you will need more than a bandage body hugging dress, with six inch heels , full make up on, body of goddess , face of an angel kind of twist to you. From what I have gathered considering am just a lady, when a man fall inlove with a lady, he sees past her bullshit. What Chris termed as your ACT. That I don't drink pretense, pre-virgin talk most women pull to get a mans attention. I have to hand it to you ladies who are so calculative, bravo. You always get your way regardless of who you hurt along the way. Congratulations. But just wait, don't pop that champagne just yet, because while they are busy bragging of how they got the man, they always mess up. I don't know how but they always do. I have witnessed so many 'go getters' get got well for those of you perfectionists get caught.

While you digest that , let me feast my eyes out on another juicy gossip. Until then don't get caught or should I say Checkmate!

Foolishness

That is what am struggling with at the moment. I am too let going if there is anything of that sort. I am never the clinger but always the one willing to let it go ...let it all go down the drain....pure foolishness. Please ladies, don't be like me. Gentlemen who have had to deal with my kind I apologize. We are used to doing things our way. No we never compromise. We never second guess our actions. We always stick to what we say and mean what we say. So if I am not talking to you, I not only have good reason not to but evidence incase (we are always prepared) you think of denying anything.

Ofcourse I don't want you talking to her because she is the enemy.A little immature but you get where I am coming from. If am not friends with them, you shouldn't be as well.Case closed. I have to admit it comes off as jealously but ain't no body got time to be jealous over that really. One thing am thankful for is that I really can camouflage. It's a gift that I so often use when I don't feel like blending in.

Back to my self made foolishness. I am working on it.Fine am lying am not working on it. I like the fact that I can be myself without having to offend anyone. It's Friday so am not in a mood to write leave alone think. But all I can advise you is not to jump into conclusions. Unlike myself think first not fast. Take the time to get your facts rights before jumping the gun. Sober up

payback

Looks like my baby steps are beginning to pay off. No I have not received any offers to write an article for any magazine yet but I have made progress in the most impressive way. 300 plus page viewers my, now that is what a Christmas miracle. Who are all these people? Or is it the same person with different accounts? My ultimate dream or goal is have my own show as a radio presenter in one of Kenya's leading radio stations. What would I major in, mainly relationships.Boring I know but to me that is music to my ears. Everytime people ask me for relationship advise I feel as though they are making love to my ear drums. That is beyond sexy, it is an art. An art I know I am good at.

Like a player, I know what to say, when to say, how to say it and know what kind of outcome will follow.For someone who wanted to take up therapy/ couples therapy as a full time job, I am not only a good listener but a blessed talker. I have a way with words. Wait am I advertising myself here *laughs*. Let's just say as a little girl I knew what I wanted to be. I just wanted to grow up. I can do a little bit of anything legal incase some government spy is reading this. Anything legal yes given the chance, I think I can hack ops I mean crack ..oh boy ...I mean I can learn. 

Back to 300 and no am not talking about the movie. It is not what I write that I care about but what comes to mind when you are reading this that matters to me. Oh yes your opinions matter though you hardly put them across but hey, am still here writing and waiting for the first time I will get my first comment. Will I be offended or be a lady and ignore it. I am still working on that in my mind. 

Thank you all. If I were wealthy and famous, I would fly you all to Las Vegas for the weekend but since am just a lady with big dreams and a kind heart, I will just use what I have. My words. I do not take it for granted hat you take the time to read this so thank you amazing page viewers but in my case you are my reality checkmates.

Selflessness

I am one second away from betraying myself. Have you ever met someone you never thought would mean so much to you.He is not even what you go for so you keep telling yourself just to talk yourself out of it. I have no control whatsoever and by that I mean I can't help but miss him even though I will never show it. Oh yes, we too have pride.

I am kinda having one of this.I am as stubborn as a mule when it comes to the matters of the heart and not just with anybody but the ones you just can't explain how they became important in the first place. My head and heart had a pact to stay together but it looks like my heart has betrayed my brain and now I can't think straight. I am having an internal war with myself one that I think my brain will loose. How do you compete with the heart?




Something my friend told me just left me speechless. If you love someone or something then let it go but if it comes back or finds its way back to you then you know it was meant to be. I wanted to burst out laughing I really did but I didn't. I was a firm believer in all these beautiful sayings until reality checked in and I became like everyone else and started doubting. I know a thing about denial. I have been in a relationship with denial and cheated on the truth with it as well.I guess when you assume or make yourself believe that nothing good ever comes out of a good deed it is easier not to be disappointed than always having to go out of your way for lif to mess you up.That is just but one of my many opinions. 

All I know as far as selflessness goes is that it always has a way of favoring you. I guess that is why when someone or something is meant to be others see it as well and are always the ones making a fuss about it while you just sit there , laugh and shake your head.It is not as exciting as you anticipated it to be not because it is not what you wanted but simply because it took too long to get there so you learnt to be patient if not open of the possibility that it can as well leave. 

Selflessness to me means you want it but for the sake of the other party you are willing to suffer through the process of loosing it. You loose that fight but in real sense you end up winning the war even though you are all alone, atleast you know you did everything you could. There is that sudden look everyman has whenever they are not ready to settle down and by settling down it doesn't necessarily mean marriage. That I want to be with other women look. Let me go out there and see if there is another version of you. As a proper lady the only thing you can do is let him go. Note that I used the term proper. Making him stay is another option but if you truly want the best for each other you have to be willing to give him what he wants. By doing that you are giving yourself the chance to discover yourself as well. Two things will happen well actually five things will happen. He will go and never come back. He will go do 'his thing' realize that he has outgrown that phase in his life and come back. You will take him back. You will have met someone along the way and moved on. Both of you will agree that it was the best thing that ever happened to the both of you, moving on that is.

Think about it, you could be holding on to someone else's happiness and in the process denying yourself the opportunity to be loved the way you truly deserve. In robbing him, you are only robbing yourself.






 



Happy December....Holidays

thanksgiving

So Today being 2nd December 2014 makes you wonder what the heck you did with your life for the past eleven months. Lets not even go down memory lane because things are bound to get "fugly" way beyond ugly. We have had good time and bad.But the big question is what do you plan to do about it? Maintain it or watch your hard work go down the drain perhaps? That reminds me since we ' you and I ' did not get the chance to have a thanks giving dinner why not hold it here?So, what are you thankful for this Morning?It is only right as the 'host' I break the ice. 

I am thankful first and foremost to be alive. To me what that says is that I have yet another chance to make things right.Those that I can anyway. Gone are the days I act like cat woman yet come off as wonder woman though in real sense am just another woman. See what I did there? I would like to take this opportunity to thank my one true and greatest love of all for always being there even though I have never seen his face but he has always come through for me even when I did not deserve it. Thank you God. Thank you for your unconditional love and undivided attention as far as my never ending concerns go. I know am a handful but we make such a beautiful team where I always mess up and you come clean it up. I may not be loyalty but you always make me feel like I am one at the end of each day both directly and indirectly.I have heard you have a sense of humor of which somehow this year, I have witnessed that. Good one God.

I am thankful for my family. Lord knows you never choose your family but am glad he fixed me with these crazy bunch.They are simply bonkers but not just any bonkers but my cup of tea shenanigans.I love you people.I am thankful for my best friend who to be honest was just a mere stranger years ago.Thank you for being honest though at times brutal *in a good way of-course* you have not allowed the world change you.Instead you are changing the world with your wit, humility, talents and love. You are a master piece princess and I thank God twice for you. You have earned my undying loyalty, trust and friendship.This is the one lady who if I were to kick the bucket I would leave her my heart incase she even needs a transplant and entrust her with my one true love. I am sure he would be in capable hands.

I am thankful for everyone else who thinks am a waste of time.The people who have belittled my efforts and not taken hid of my words.Thank you for all the foolishness you have tried to throw my way, the shade you wear all to beautifully and most of all I applaud your sheer madness.I am glad I walked away when you expected me to sit there and for you to bury me with your absurd illiteracy. Thanks to all of you I have learnt to be my own biggest fan I have learnt that if I wasn't as important you wouldn't waste all your energy trying to bring me down.Thank you for seeing something greater in me than I actually saw. I owe you so much but for know I will repay you all with kindness then eventually make you eat your hearts out when I become a legend in this country. I am not striving for success but rather greatness. I just don't want people to say I lived but holy crap that lady was something else.

I am thankful for my past , now and my future. I toast to what is yet to come. May I handle the good and the ugly. May I balance responsibility with a twist of class and sheer madness. May I make a difference in people's lives not enough to be celebrated but just enough for them to change their lives around. May my character and personality always be a constant reminder of who I truly am.

So, what are you thankful for?