Then but not now

I didn’t know what to expect going into this week. I was hopeful obviously but I was done being scared of the unknown. For someone who likes rather is used to knowing things, God forced me to blindly trust His will over my life. It’s just dawning on me right this minute.

I worry even when am not supposed to worry I find my soul buried in worry over the  people I care about. It bothers me more because I see the future as clear as day and it not happening sooner only frustrates me on their behalf. Sometimes I feel like lending them my eyes and heart.

Falling inlove with myself again is the hardest yet most fulfilling thing I have come to appreciate in life. Learning how to go out of my way for myself the same way I do for others has been humbling. I am hard to love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That makes me worth it.

I have come to realize that I have been unfair to myself. It’s okay to be guarded but not everyone is out here to get me. I have always had this I need to leave before anyone can ever hurt me wall brought about by past disappointments. Am always running away leaving me empty. To avoid being a burden and bother, I instantly became independent. I don’t want anyone doing me any “favors”. I don’t need pity or sympathy either. That’s how I wired my mind. Having to ask for anything was my greatest fear. So I became too defensive altogether. 

It did the job.

Then but not now. 

This week I have been forced to shred all that. I can’t recognize myself. I no longer have to feel like I need to save the day by being strong for everyone else, I can just be Njeri and that’s more than enough. Actually, that’s what makes me more enchanting.

I am very emotional writing this. I really missed me. If am here, I have earned the right to be not because I was determined and strong about it but I am meant to uncover all this about myself. 

Love has finally brought me back to who I truly am #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé