My 2018 Vows

I vow to put God first.
I vow to put myself second to none.
I vow to love more.
I vow to try harder.
I vow to uphold my values and dignity.
I vow to keep my promises.
I vow to trust more.
I vow to be less judgmental.
I vow to smile more.
I vow to laugh louder.
I vow that everything I will do will be with passion and pure intentions.
I vow to be vulnerable.
I vow to make an effort.
I vow to accept the outcome.
I vow to challenge myself and those around me.
I vow to be kind.
I vow to be more accommodating.
I vow to be open minded.
I vow to be respectable.
I vow to dream bigger.
I vow to never stop believing.
I vow to question less and act more.
I vow to be better.
I vow to use my experiences to better others and win over the bitter hearts.
I vow to check up on others more.
I vow to appreciate God, myself and everyone am entrusted with.
I vow to be patient.
I vow to let God be in charge.
I vow to allow His will and not mine be done.
I vow to make time to celebrate life.
I vow to forgive.
I vow to grow.
I vow to seek and settle for extraordinary.
I vow to be honest.
I vow to never be anyone other than myself.
I vow to take each day as it unfolds.
I vow to live in the moment.
I vow to hug on people more.
I vow to express my feelings and be in touch with my emotions.
I vow to stay humble at heart.
I vow to have more faith and trust the process.
I vow to encourage and motivate.
I vow to blush.
I vow to accept help and ask for it.
I vow to expect lady like treatment.
I vow to give and receive.
I vow to guide and be guided.

#RealityCheck and my #EnchantingTruth is
I vow to simply be mself .... the enchanting mind and soul ❤

.........desperately Lost

2017 was everything I never expected yet everything I needed to be here right in this very moment. Thankful for the disappointments which led to better appointments. I made it through it all because my father in heaven ensured his  grace, love and mercies were sufficient for me.

You were everything I was praying, hoping and believing for so much so that I was scared to admit it out loud.My darling eyes we have witnessed bullshit, self sabotage & that was God moments. My honest mouth strangely you kept it together. My love, my pure heart you kept the faith.

I achieved everything I put my mind to with prayers, patience and good friends. The year was so beautiful that I never wanted it to end. At the very end that is when it hit me and I realised the enchanting truth. I give my all because that is what I expect in return though I never I ask for it because I assume it is obvious. When good things are not reciprocated I pull away. Small details and things excite me and like I found out not everyone else. Everything is not for everyone. I value family and friendship so I assumed everyone else did.

If you don't share the same values that doesn't make either of us less or better than the other but  still, stand your ground. 2017 was an eye opener for me. I finally watched vlogs and followed people who are quite influential on the gram (Instagram) and it's always good to see what else is out there. I even went audio live and I am glad that curiosity is behind me. I was shocked to learn that majority of people on social media are materialistic in a greedy and negative way. People don't care about you rather what you are all about. Where you wine and dine, designer clothes, bags, shoes , perfumes, the business and first class life on a plane life, it vacations , ideal body and hair , phone experiences. Still think am lying, post a picture of yourself and a loved one and two hours later that of you clubbing or on vacation and see which one gets more likes and comments. Now post an inspirational quote and that of your man/woman crush. Need I say more?  

I put to test something someone told me and it turns out she was right. If you were not who you are today say a broke unappealing version of you, would the same people still like you rather want to be associated with you? Exposing you as desperately lost the right ones would right? Those are who I am all about this year. I am taking down anything and everything which would make me attractive on social media and replacing it with what makes me enchantingly myself. Anyone not willing to make an effort to understand why I say and do half the bull I pull will be cut off immediately unapologetically. It's life or in most cases the #RealityCheck but this year it's my #EnchantingTruth

On my way....

Men are selfish. On my way home this uber driver decides to have a therapeutic session with me. He already lays down the rules. Young lady I don't know you but am going to need you to be quiet and listen to me. Being the ultimate Aquarius lady, I feel cornered and very uneasy. Should I cancel this trip or report him? Why did I suggest this route though?

I am in a shitty marriage. He finally discloses. That is all he has to about his wife. So it has come to this? It is how he says it that makes me momentarily laugh but then his voice calms down and in almost a whisper he confesses but there is this lady. She is a ray of hope. I could tell because he slowed down and smiled when he talked about her. She is a doctor. I love doctors  and intelligent ladies he openly admits. He is very specific with the words he uses regarding this lady. So I assume this selfish prick is cheating rather than making it work in his shitty marriage. She has a boyfriend and he has a baby mama. This is sheer madness. The question I am dying to ask is if he knows his wife is cheating on him as well but having referred to what they have as shitty he would care less. So the therapist in me shuts my curious mouth and opt to listen instead.

I have another girlfriend in the States. At this point am judging him and wondering of how many men like him exist. It's dark in the car but I could almost swear I saw him blush. I ignored my current girlfriend for her. We took romantic pictures together. So they slept together I assumed. She promised to come back for me. You delusional man. I can't.  I refuse. Stop the car. This must be a test from God. I am in my late 40s but I am in a shitty marriage. When he repeated that a second time I almost slapped him. It takes two to tango so don't play victim. You are forty damn it get your shit together.

Am I crazy? That is an understatement I thought to myself. There was no sexual talk which I was looking out for so I gave him my honest opinion. That is when it hit me. We hear but we never listen as women when men tell us what they want.  He said. He told me. It has been two months and he is inlove with her. We talk. She listens to me.

This man and so many others out there are looking for female companionship. There are three types of women. The independent I don't need a man just donate your sperm and leave. The I would rather die in this than be labelled as single. The we will make this work get your shit together don't you dare bring me that bullshit and I run this house. Men are very selfish and women should ape that. In the words of my bestfriend don't be Miss Echo Chamber aka yes sir. You always agree and never question anything. Have an opinion no matter how dumb it is, say it.  If the two of you aren't bestfriends by now no matter how alien the freak in them violins your demons let it go.

Where there is friendship there is respect. A real man knows how to respect a woman, because he knows the feeling if someone would disrespect his mother. Miss Echo Chamber you have mastered and can predict that man but you don't know him well enough to be his friend to call him out on his bullshit. Real friends are not afraid to lose you. They always say the ugly truth out of love. They tell you what no one else is bold enough to say. A real friend serves you a #RealityCheck

The Diary Of A Bitter Co-worker

Welcome to the real world where nothing is never as it seems. This has either happened or is about to happen to you. Now that you have graduated college or University next comes the mother of all troubles, work. Some are lucky enough to land their dreams jobs while the rest of us are blessed enough to discover another side of life we never knew existed.

The Boss
If it's a man he is the most envied man on the planet. The men openly kiss his ass after all that paycheck plus an additional bonus sounds pretty reasonable. He is the ideal dream man to all the women in the office. Even the tea girl wants to leave a lasting or should I say lusting impression. He is likeable. He has his life figured out after all that is why so many people would want to help him further his business. So many unnecessary employees if you ask me but hey am not judging. The sad reality is secretly they all hate him. No one can stand his "perfect life". Unfortunately they all know his dirty laundry because he is too trusting and never learns his lessons.

If it's a lady she is the ultimate bitch. I'm most cases the boss lady is either a single mother or just single.  You can't have it all the ladies in the office always echo when she walks by. If she is so amazing why won't any man marry her? She is tough and very demanding. Perfection and common sense is the least she requires from her employees. She is so rude and moody to the rest of the ladies because they feel threatened. To the gentlemen in the office, she is a goddess. They worship and adore the floor she steps on. No one knows her private life because she has no friends in the entire office. She is a one woman show.

The Queen /King
She is always in the Marketing Department. Lord knows what she markets along with everything else the company has to offer. She always make extra effort to stand out. Her dress code tells it all. Too short too tight. The gossip monger who has mastered her craft. She never shouts. She is friendly but cunning. These ladies are strikingly beautiful. Very well put together but are never fluent in speech. Pay attention. They always appear out of nowhere and are very tight with the boss. Listen, your guess is as good as mine. The boss has either smashed that or his close friend. They share the same dark private habits. She can do no wrong in his eyes so ladies against her you might as well go back to your village. 

The king of Marketing is very smart. He is charming and gets along with everyone even the boss lady. He takes his work very seriously so the most he can do is flirt with his female workmates but nothing more. He choose his words and seals it with an impressive presentation. He has his eyes on the goal .... to striking big in life. He can be anything you want him to be as long as it doesn't affect his work ethics. He is committed to his job. 

The Technical Team
The hacker of the company in most cases is a man. Work ethics for who? This man dances to his own tune as far as the rest of the employee's go. To the boss he is employee of the year. He knows all the loopholes and sometimes works smart to achieve the desired goals. He never indulges in office talk but knows personal details of everyone in the office. His dream wife is the boss lady. He loves power especially taking it away. He is all man as he believes. He has slept with almost every single lady in the office. Everything is a puzzle to this man.

The lady feels empowered. Being a lady in the technical department strokes her ego. She feels entitled, superior and important. The truth of the matter is, she is lazy and is always being covered by her male workmates. She is still delusional from all the days in campus in the midst of boys. She is a walking hoax. Predictable and very lazy.

The Accountant
Who? The never in a hurry type! Things only get done if you really insist or throw in an extra reward. You either trust them or you don't.  They will either deliver or not.

The Receptionist/Front Office 
This is the first person you see when you walk in any organisation. Depending on her mood she will either make you sit there deliberately just to prove to herself she can or attend to you like a  desperate mistress. Again, they dress and look the part but never deliver. She loves office gossip and anything personal makes you come off as a hero to her. She is the snitch of the office. Unfortunately this is it for them. They are pathological liars. They want to be everyone as they have identity issues.

The Human Resource
Halo Satan. The most feared yet hated people on the face of business. They think they run the company or so the rest of the employee's claim. They are never introduced or addressed by their names but rather their position to give a heads up to the commoner. They are their own friends.

And that is my #RealityCheck checkmates. Pleasant night.

Family Reality Check

Family is family regardless of whether you all get along or secretly just want to beat the living foolishness out of them. I am being honest as always.

The first born. The first great love bond of marriage. The expectations and standards set for this child to some extreme is unnecessary. For Christ's sake let this child be a normal kid. They set the pace for not only the ones who follow but if you are keen as I have been is forced to live or achieve what the parents didn't. In the end this child ends up sacrificing his/her life and take on responsibilities that sometimes are far out of their reach.

The second born.  In most cases they hardly ever speak their minds but when they do, oh everyone listens. They are rebellious and rude though they camouflage as being shy. They are in the own world but they notice everything yet say nothing.

The Third, Forth , Fifth and everyone else inbetween . The over achievers. They want it all especially the good but not so much the bad. They sometimes don't know how to get back up and would give anything to trade in the bad with the good.  It's all about the titles, degrees and the best careers. They take life way too seriously it's honestly annoying sometimes.

The last born. They are often misunderstood because no one expects anything from them which is not true. Stubborn as hell but they are the glue of the family. The one everyone else undermines yet has amazing and sound ideas but since they are the babies of the family, what do they know? They are the punching bag when everyone else is having a bad day. They are the ones who secretly fight your battles both physically and spiritually. They take care of everyone else in ways money can't buy like remembering your birthdays, loyal above and beyond even when the beef is long forgotten * for life* , family clowns ....anything to get you laughing again , babysitting. They stay when everyone else leaves.

Family is a puzzle. Everyone has a role to play. Having said that, don't allow your position/role define you. Now here comes the real talk ....Stop painting false pictures of how your family is yet it's the opposite. I would care less if you were raised in a cave or palace ...You were a miscourage away but child you survived. You have made it. Don't sell yourself short. The world has so much to offer each passing day. Don't break a hip or sell a rib *is it even necessary surely* trying to keep up with appearances. It's a process. What one thing means to you means absolutely nothing and everything to someone else. All that matters at the end of the day is that someone can actually vouch that you a good person. 

Enough of trying to fit in and let's start from the family unit. Are you a decent human being ? Do you want to be a better son/daughter/brother/sister/friend? Start by forgiving yourself for neglecting the one person who has been there through the highs and lows .... YOU! Time to put yourself first. You know yourself better than what others see or assume they do. Screw it and screw them. They would and will be very fortunate to have you in their lives. Time to switch them off and switch yourself back on. And that's my #RealityCheck

The little girl in me .....

I stop and think I am so ungrateful. God has brought me such a long way. Knowing how selfless he was to use someone,an angel in disguise help me at my worst. I can never go back to being that person I was before. I have so much to live for compared to where I was before. I may not be doing much but the much am doing should be enough. It has to be. So I sit and weigh my options. So I can try being bad. Give these ratchet ladies a run for their money. Wreck afew homes here and there get to share my lavish lifestyle and hopefully they might leave their wives for me or since God loves sinners I should be married by a decent man as soon as December...... 

Then I get to sit and think of the consequences. What consequences I lived the good life so whatever right? Wrong. I am fed up of being invisible. The good girl who is always going out of her way for men who only respond when it’s convenient. The good girl in me is slowly dying . Sick and tired of having to sit out on life when she feels like her big break is right around the corner. Does anyone hear her cries or are they too busy to realize am tired tonight? She doesn’t want to be brave and cat woman anymore. She wants to be Lois Lane . Where is Superman when you need him? Boaz ,where are you? Where is my And Behold Boaz just then came moment !? The Bible told me. It’s written. He was a mighty man of wealth so why should I settle for a good average man. He blessed her. My version of him is slowly bruising me. Tearing me to pieces with his silence and absence while I sleep every night hoping tomorrow will look up. Until that special day. I would tell the world but no one would believe me.

So I went back on my knees and I broke down to God and asked him to bless me with another man. His angel. I was willing to wait just as long as he came as The One and spoke my lauguage. 2016 was not my year. 2017 is not my year and sure enough I don’t need a year. I just need a day. One day. More than a day, a miracle . Answered prayers. Sometimes you need a word but other times reality. That's what I was granted. That is something that no one can ever take away from me. You don’t stop being you just because the gift is not what you asked for but as long as the giver is alive you simply can’t afford to lose that hope. I serve a higher purpose other than being someone’s significant other or an accomplished business woman. The most important role you will ever play in life is being the best version of yourself to God, family, friends and the rest of the world.

You don’t stop writing. You dont stop living.  You dont stop loving. If anything, you use that rejection and pain to blog and inspire others. This is where I go all crazy and believe that the one for me reads this and understands the lady behind the words. Now I just need you to show your face one day for laugh out moments. By she I mean the little girl in me coz that's my #RealityCheck.

Depression

Let me start off by saying that the saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing. It's like the world has just ended. You don't cry , you don't hear , you don't see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies. Nothing is worth it anymore. You have no reason to be alive. You start questioning yourself but most of God. Like how could he allow such a thing happen when he is all knowing and loving. Where is your peace on earth?

You start distancing yourself from family coz if anything you feel like a burden. Such a let down. You stop belonging and feelings of unworthiness creep up. Delusional or not it makes sense at that particular moment.  Disappointments are part of life but every goddamn time feels like a set up for more humiliation. You find solace in isolation. Your life flashes right before your very own eyes and for a quick second it feels like God is calling you home well either that or the devil has a customised shovel with your name on it. You feel owed so heaven must be embracing you.

Just as you are taking your last breath, the light at the end of the tunnel sparkles. Knowing that you get to leave behind the shame and unkept promises for eternal peace is so refreshing. No one will know or miss your presence. Suicidal thoughts but then again you are too tired and defeated by life to end your life. Too messy anyway.

Then suddenly, the last person you expected shows up. A ray of hope. But you have been down this road before of having to fight and believe. Depression to me is when you have done all you can by someone who you thought was equally loyal to you and they betray that trust in ways to recover you have to build yourself up again from scratch. It's the worst feeling in the world.

If no one shows up for you,  allow my heartfelt written words do. I am not asking you to not allow the pain and disappointments overwhelm you already broken pieces but use that to hope for what's lef. There is always something left behind. Ashes after the fire has died out and the smoke has cleared. The beauty in the ashes shows that you left your mark that can never be erased or forgotten. You made a difference.

Now start living for yourself and keep your head held high. You already lost, there is nothing else to lose so play to win. Change your story. Tell your story . Your scars don't make you less but different. Different always stands out. Love like you never lost, believe like you never failed and forgive like you were never wronged. That way you hold and keep the power to be the best you only you know how to be darling.....

Don't stay down. Get up and take one step at a time and I promise you, it will be worth it in the end. And that's my #RealityCheck