Good Bye September

It was beautiful while it lasted. Oh September right from August I knew there was something dark about you. I couldn't quite put my finger to it but I knew you were going to surprise me in a not so me way. I even asked around and felt encouraged on learning a friend has a birthday in this mysterious month though deep down I shared my uncertainty with him about you.

I knew I had to go through you to get to where I look forward to. To bein with acting like I am going to miss you is not my style so until next year please September be good to me. 

With rewards comes sacrifice. People say January is hell on earth but you son of a woman deserve an Oscar for keeping me on my toes in a way I would rather forget. You weren't awful just not what I had in mind. I had expectations. I always have monthly expectations and yours felt more of like someone " Hi5 'ved my face". 

I will take what you taught me and use it to get through what is left of this year. Despite it all, we had our own little fun. You stood out and roughed this already tough cookie. 

Thank you September and whatever happens know that you will always hold a special place in my brain and heart. You had the bitter sweet effect I have always craved for. 

Bye darling....

And that is my September #RealityCheck 

My kind of jeans

This is something I have been struggling with for the longest time. In my life time I have only had one or two pairs of jeans that did wonders to my brain. 

I want to own a jeans clothing line but haven't almost everyone we know. You always feel like you have that special touch that would boost leave alone the physical but the emotional side of both men and women. 

I am a sucker for a man who knows how to dress his body. We will have a suit talk but for now let's talk denim. When a man puts on a "mum Jean " that to me is a cry for help. He is so comfortable that he doesn't care what the rest of you think. Do you have any idea how long it took him to pull the look. Well I wouldn't know considering I am a lady. 

Gentlemen don't get me wrong but the tight Jean look only looks good on a particular kind of a man. Take Chris Brown for example that man looks good in anything he puts on. Then there is the gentleman kind of Jean that you would find on Tyrese or Trey Songz. I like my men tall but having said that I don't mean to compare the good everyday man with these men. You are a unique individual so let's stay clear of the cigarette pants and mum jeans. 

The shade has to be right for the men. I don't have a problem with men wearing bright colors but to me it's a turn off. You come off trying too hard. Again that is my opinion. I am not into trends so I would appreciate if my man was the conservative type as well. 

Ladies would agree with me on this that is ladies of a particular age. We all want that Jean that hugs your body just about right, not too tight around the wait and grabs your thighs in position and makes you want to drop like you are hot when you turn around. That priceless feeling is better than hearing the man you are inlove with brag about you in public. It feels like the jeans and you are one. You don't even need to be complemented because you already feel and see it. It makes you feel and act important. 

The wrong pair of jeans can make even a strong superwoman like myself insecure in seconds. No one wants to feel as though you have diapers on when instead of it holding your curves in position shows the opposite. Emotionally you not only feel unattractive but not good enough. Take notes gentlemen. It is not easy so when you see her in her pair of jeans you better act you are seeing her nude for the very first time. Too much I don't think so. 

For now I am still I search of that #RealityCheck pair of jeans. 

What is going on?

I am going through the lyrics word by word trying to figure out what's going on with you. So I decided to google and find the meaning behind your words. No dictionary is clear enough to explain what I want to see so I decide to go out of my way and think in my mother tongue but in vain. I feel like I need a special brain dictionary custom made for my brain. 

I would ask you what is going on but I already know the answer to all that. So I decide to put myself in your shoes and understanding what was going through my mind back then I did what I did and I am shocked by the results. I feel like I am writing but in my mind I am rapping. 

See only you gets and brings out this side of me but like we both know we are too proud to work on it. Unlike you though I am here blogging and hoping that a younger or older version of me gets this before they let a good thing slip away. This is also for everyone else lost and well locked out in our world. 

No matter how many times I will try and explain, they will never understand and that is okay because somehow I know you will. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

8pm

When something in you awakens, you never look back. That alone is reason enough to go from hero to zero. Have you ever looked at today's relationships and thought to yourself like is one woman ever enough for this modern man?

Being single I am hesitant to go back to the dating world and even though this is not a big deal to most of you, I can't help but wonder will my mysterious man ever look at me and say baibèé you are enough. Sure good enough to take to the village but not good enough to bring to your office party. 

I am just curious like are there such men left or will you get bored after having test driven the life out of me only to purchase a new car? Old cars belong in the garage so in this case old or dying men. 

Good things take time but what if one month is all I have to offer? Forget act like a lady think like a man rules, how about we make our own rules. Will that be enough to get your heart beating for me while your eyes wonder in search for more?

I don't know but for now this is my #RealityCheck 

Good vs bad

I have borrowed the idea of matching up the good against the bad from why did I get married.

It turns out that there is more to who this man is in my life over what I want to feed my mind. Good things about him in less than thirty minutes four pages against two pages of what I don't like about him. 

I don't quite remember what she said about if the good out weighs the bad all I recall is her saying if it's bad then to hell with it. I will have to rewatch to see what am supposed to do with this good result. 

The reason why I decided to share this not my results but this experience is because it's therapeutic. You don't have to keep feeling like you are weighing everyone around you down with the same old ," I care but I don't want to act on it". Heaven knows am tired of always having to ask, so what do you think? No allow me to figure it out on my own. I know you have a lot going on with you so I got myself in this mess/love so I will be the one to save myself. 

Friends are priceless but when you learn to handle things on your own not perfectly but when you sit down and be brutally honest alone and realize you had the answers all along life gets easier. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Life in session

How do you expect to learn if you cannot be taught? I recall the many times I kept saying and still say,"It's not my thing". The reason for always using such words is to talk not only myself from doing it but to talk the person telling rather asking me to do it know that I have already blocked the idea out. So I am writing out my weakness in the hope of actually righting it. I am not going to or bring asked to fall inlove with the task but the reason why they entrusted me with it in the first place was because they knew I would deliver and deliver it well.

So am not going to block out suggestions even though they are not what am used to but I will gladly take it up because someone is willing to not only ask for my help but entrust me to deliver.  It is an honor having yo go to bed knowing I made a difference in someone's life.

You are all probably wondering what got me going tonight. Well it's tea! I do not care for any cup as long as it's not milk I have already blocked the idea out. I don't mind preparing a meal for an entire family of ten or more or doing the dishes after but having to prepare a cup of tea feels like I am being forced to wear two inch heels. Like are you kidding me? This is Africa to be specific Kenya and Kenyans love their tea but I don't unless it's on a cold day. What ever happened to offering people a glass of water? Yes, let's bring that back!

For the sake of those I care and around me, I am starting today going to start liking the idea of preparing tea and serving it with a smile on my face. I used to be this selfless girl but when I realised that people took advantage of my kindness I joined the selfish crowd. Who knows perhaps my future has tea lots of it coming...... oh boy! I am going to purchase a kiss the cook apron just to motivate me.

Tea anyone?

And that is my #RealityCheck

lost if not caught in the moment

What happens when you pray and God decides to give you a break?What do you do when your prayers are answered? I am still struggling with this. That is one of the reasons why I haven't been here in a while. I have so much to write about but when God stopped me everything came crashing in. When you are used to certain outcomes you always make other plans to make a come back. So what am I supposed to do when my plans *in my head* are "ruined". I hope I am making sense because I am not to myself anyway.

I am no longer incharge so I am forced to wait. In other words I don't know of what to do next. I am faced with a what now situation. You read my mind. I want to pack wait I don't even have the time to gather anything like I just want to run. Just when I internalized the self made lie that it was all in my head. ...run baby girl ....run I get a reality check. You need to commit. Wait what!? Are you asking me to stay? I feel as though this is a joke but then again am not laughing.

What do you give for all what you got?Are you demanding more than you give?What do people get when they get you? You have been more casual than committed.

I will leave you with this for now as a #RealityCheck

1:34pm

That is my source of inspiration. 1:34pm . Goodness gracious I am still looking for the words to putting into writing what this  source has done while trying to compose my mind because am about to go mad with so much information. This is as real as I will ever be so forgive my language. 

What do you ladies when you so badly want to be his source of inspiration but you ain't shit! Let me explain. What do you do when the man you are with means more to you than you mean to him. Men are good at hiding how they feel so they cover up by showering you with what they feel you deserve. Feels more of a bank relationship. Scary huh! At any given moment your funds will run out so you do everything possible to stay relevant. 

Actions speak louder than words and when it comes to the male species what a man does speaks volumes than what he says. Let's go to the social media it's not what he updates on Facebook but rather what he likes that personally I take into account. It's not what he tweets but rather retweets. It's not what he posts on IG but rather what he double taps to the catches my eye. 

I am just sitted here taking notes. 

 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Fear part III

Sometimes all we want is a break from it all. Not to have to hear the I told you so or ridiculous questions like what were you thinking, just some peace and quiet. For those of you who are blessed enough to take a holiday, do that. 

For the rest of you who are dying on the inside but have to put on a brave face for the rest of the world, I had to be down for me to tell you how I got through my fears. I did not hide although I wanted to I couldn't. I had to improvise. Music was my own little escape. Drake music kept me in focus and that particular time so was Nicki Minaj. I was mad and everything that I watched and listened to felt as though it was speaking to my soul. 

I remember rewatching the diary of a black mad woman and breaking down. I felt her pain. I could relate to her agony and then slowly I stared healing when I heard that you have to forgive him for you . You have to forgive yourself. It is amazing how a hurting heart is willing to hold on to so much pain. 

Allow me ask you this, who misled you?

Who is "Charles "? 

For every bad break there is always a good break waiting but you have to be ready by letting go of the past. 

And this is my #RealityCheck

At the end of it all I held on to the dear words of Orlando. 

Fear part II

Redefining yourself after life is done with you. When life knocks you down and all of a sudden the familiar brings uncertainty and you feel so lost what do you do? You run away in the hope of saving what is left if there is anything left. 

The most amazing thing is no matter how  far you run or long you hide, you will end up having to face the very same thing you were runnin away from. You changed your dreams of wanting the good life to settling for whomever is willing to have you and not necessarily accept you. 

You change your goals from being this passionate go getter to ms/mr let's just work with the majority. After all numbers never lie. How do you even handle such a lifeless human being? How do you bring them back to life after they have given up on themselves? 

You let them be. The worst mistake you can ever do is try and bring in the word of God. Like where was God when I lost it all? Did he not have the same plans you claim he has for me back then? Isn't this all part of his great plan? That only shifts the anger to hatred. But by showing up and assuring them that you are there with them along the way makes it less painful and easier. Not by holding their hand but by just being there and allowing them get over that painful low phase creates room for communication. 

And that is my #RealityCheck

7 o'clock

I am learning to praise God in my journey and not in my destination. It's amazing how people define you by where they met you given your then circumstances. Have you ever been in a relationship where you were required to be the complete opposite not to fit in but because at the time you were required to sacrifice to make it work? 

Being a church girl and spending most of my time with guys who did not share the same "holistic values" and dating a drunkard is not what my folks had in mind as far as their daughter was concerned. But I was young, rebellious and inlove. 

We were lost in each other's dreams rather I was lost in making his dreams a reality that at some point  I had to choose between my career and him and ended up choosing him. Talk of the ultimate sacrifice. He didn't ask me to but I felt that if he made it, I would have accomplished atleast one dream in mylife.

As soon as he got an opportunity to advance in life, he did not hesitate to leave me behind. Things that come too fast are dangerous. The set of friends he got himself saw me as a hinderance. From bein his angel to being generalized as you women are all the same was the reward I got from holding a good man down when all he had was a glimpse of a better tomorrow. 

So forgive me gentlemen if I don't hold your hand when times get hard and I don't pray for you when ends don't meet. Forgive me if I don't humble myself enough to want to be in the bad times and only want the good times when you have figured your shenanigans out. 

I am not bitter and will never take it out on a good man but am not about to replay the past with a new man. I will not mold a young man into a fine gentleman for other women to spit on my face. I am not about to sit and watch you throw your hard work down the drain just to get laid by entertaining the immediate fame. 

With all due respect I wouldn't mind another woman going out of her way for me the way I did for another. So wherever you are pretty angel thank you for taking care of that man for me. Thank you for putting up with his foolishness and know that I have his best interest at heart.

If we happen to fall inlove, I will not feel guilty for not being the one to have urbanized his village ways. When he finds me,I will fall head first and time will be our dance floor. I will adore,celebrate and thank God for him.The reason why am saying all this is because I understand you will be like the old bitter me. Who felt cheated, unrewarded and short changed by God.

I am only human and live by my own truth. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Fear part I

The truth is am afraid. We all are . When you have had a bad break and a breakthrough comes along, we tend to push it away. Not because you don't deserve it but because you are afraid of starting to get used to it. 

When a man or woman disappoints you to the point of always owning up to " I am used to that or nothing good ever comes my way" as an identity that is when you need to stop, breathe and ask yourself if what you are feeding your mind is true from the heart. 

You are scared that he or she will leave eventually. That they are just putting on a show. They are too good to be true. How do you like a person in such a short amount of time? It must be lust. I must be lonely . I have got to stop being desperate. I am beyond vulnerable. These are all characteristics of fear. 

Like I blogged earlier, your emotions either trigger fear or excitement. Take a moment and gather your thoughts. You can't be honest with yourself until you are emotionally and mentally sober. Don't force yourself to reason but let the thoughts come to you. Relax. 

I have learnt that you can make it your mission to ask as many strangers of their opinion but unless you can ask yourself they will always advise you according to their own life experiences. They will stop making it about you and all about them . You will end up feeling worse. 

And that is my introduction about fears #RealityCheck 

Thought Sunday

You can't make a difference as a woman with emotions. You need to be sober and I believe that is why when a man takes on a task it gets done because they never let their guard down. 

I am starting to feel overwhelmed. I need to find a balance. So I have challenged myself to a rather difficult task and it turns out I got emotional at first. So I had to talk myself out of the project. The mind  is powerful but I can handle it. 

When dealing with either good or bad news you need to stop first. Stop then breathe. There is what you know and what you see. Two different things and you can start to feel a fire beginning. Do not allow the present cloud your mind. Just because it looks one thing doesn't mean it is what it appears to be. Maintain your cool. Calm down. The minute you start to feel as though your blood is about to boil that is when you loose it. 

Never allow your fears create doubt in your mind. Remember you are not the rest of the world. You are different. There is a reason why deep down you don't buy into reality atleast until you finally accept it. 

Stop, breathe and ask yourself are you convinced? There lies your answer.  Don't over think it because you will find yourself questinging your judgement regarding the situation. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Late Evening but it's never too late

It never what is seems happens to be my theme this year or rather what am being taught this year. Ladies I rather not call them women because some if not most rushed. They either settled to soon with the wrong man or thought that whatever they were going through could be fixed with the picture of a new man in their lives. 

And it did. It made sense. The rest of us at some point secretly accepted and joined the rest of the world to celebrate this match made couple. I learn a lot from my best friend and the one thing she keeps reminding rather asking me whenever we hear of a friends relationship sinking down the drain and them trying to prove to the rest of the world that they are "Just Fine" is ," Young girl don't you love yourself?" " Why are you denying yourself the chance to be happy?" And I always tell her , " girl such ladies would rather die than leave that man" 

When did this "Mine" mentality take over. Damn like I just had a revelation. Be like Ruth in the bible. She clung to Naomi. But now comes my favorite part," who or rather what is this that you are clinging on?" The love that Ruth had for her mother in law was unheard off. I wonder how many married women would cling to their mothers in law in this day and age. That is a topic for when I cross that bridge . Soon. 

We females always know and anyone who says that they never saw it coming is drunk on the illusion that they are still the ideal woman. The one that never gets dumped but rather does the dumping. The one who believes that any man would be lucky to have her because she thinks she is the centre of his universe. Have I got home yet? Good. Get off your high horse girlfriend and let's talk. 

No man should ever lay his hands on any woman. Your hands were made to comfort , caress  and cater to her needs as her significant other. Gone are the days working women use their children as bait to stay. It's not to late for your son to grow up respecting women without having a father figure rather than watching his own flesh and blood slowly kill his mother. 

The only thing holding you back is fear.  You are afraid no single man would marry leave alone date a " used woman" as society puts it. Gentlemen you are also afraid that either the next one could be a golddigger or the step mother from hell so you stick to the familiar and opt to cheat. Life is less complicated that way. 

Watching these young ladies being frustrated in their early twenties after the " self made dating dream" fails ( you meet a man and before you know it, you have moved in and months later you are knocked up so you can't leave) got me writing this. If there is anyone out there who can read this and somehow benefit and understand that you only stop trying to have a new beginning when you die then anything is possible. 

Don't condemn yourself anymore. Society has done an amazing job on you so now what? You followed your heart but ignored your head. Whatever reason as to why you did what you did, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Shit happens so why are still in and with that "shit?" What lesson are you trying to teach this uncaring world that you that died a hero? The only people who will suffer are your children and family and even six feet under will blame you for their short comings. So you see even then you won't rest in peace. 

I wish the same energy you consume crying and complaining is the very same one you use to be happy. Life is not a rehasal and even though vows are not meant to be broken if your wounds are more than your will to live then leave. Like I said you owe absolutely no one any explanation. 

Love is a sarcrifice but it's not meant to burn nor leave scars. If it does then your heart is not in the right place and you need to switch and find your missing rib. 

And that is my late evening #RealityCheck. 

My 1 o'clock

Good days are like a good man, they take too long. I can already hear my inner self going all ,"preach it girl". I am my own biggest fan so need I say more? And when something good finally happens, it feels as though it's rushed because it doesn't last long enough to be celebrated. 

So you are forced to cling to every moment and good memory it presented you. Though short if leaves you feeling alive again. I want that this month. I can't dwell on the memories of August although I have to admit it was amazing. You can't fast forward this month just to get to October. So I am going to train my mind and thoughts to appreciate the process and any mission set out this rather dry month. 

September

My unpredictable month. I have tried researching what usually happens during this time of the month with no success. I seem to be suffering from selected amnesia. 

I have a million and one things on my agenda or so it feels like it and I feel as though I might be short changed this month. I am not going to talk myself out of good things just because I feel as though wait a minute... Let me work on what I know about this month so far. 

I have a to do list. These bills will not pay themselves *laughs* and am not the kind to ask for an extra hand although right about now a sponsor is not a bad idea. Hey am blaming I on the uncertainty. This month is full of tests and treats and the worst part is both of them appear to be the same. 

To those of you who start a new year this month, happy birthday darlings and may your joy spread through this dark tunnel . Men I hate surprises 

And that is my new month #RealityCheck