Still

My heart is pounding as I write this. Still I wait. For the day all this will make sense. Still I hope that this is not in vain.Still I believe that no matter what nothing I ever do will stop me from becoming the Lord had me become. Still I look beyond now, today that tomorrow holds a new day, promise and opportunity to if not make me better, better someone else. Still I hold on to the memories I have made this year. They have molded me into becoming the lady I am today. Some good and some well not all that good. Still I choose. I am filled with choices that will make or break me but being torn in-between is not an option. Still that is how I want to be. Very still in the midst of the unknown and this life.

Still I wonder if I will ever make a difference or leave a mark behind.Still I smile even though just a minute ago I had just broken down.Still I pray even though things only seem to move from bad to worse. Still I encourage even though am mocked.Still I go out of my way even though no one takes the time to return the favor. Still I run even though I should stay and fight. Still I give thanks even though I have nothing to be thankful for....there is always something to be thankful for. Still I dream even though I know it is a waste of time. Still I pretend that I am okay even though I am not. Still I wonder not because I can but simply because I want to. Still I loose even though I gave it my all. Still I hide behind these four walls when I can walk out and experience the light. Still I continue to learn from my mistakes, others and whatever else life throws my way.

Still I question myself in the hope of finding answers. Still I investigate whenever things don't add up. Still I curse using foul language because at times it expresses how I feel about a certain situation and person. Still I sit here as a routine expecting different results. Still I struggle feeling as though no one understands or has gone through what I am going through. Still I deny that am better than I give myself credit for. Still I try to fit in not by indulging in the very same things that they do, but just to have a sense of belonging. Still I am in my own little world. Still I imagine myself years from now. Still I grow at times I embrace yet while the rest of the time I resent it. Still I mature in a way I feel as though am like that fine wine awaiting the right occasion for them to come 'taste' me.

Still I steal. Still I continue to borrow. Still I complain. Still I forget .Still I remember. Still I postpone.Still I wallow .Still I embrace. Still am loyal. Still I am faithful. Still I am trustworthy. Still I am stubborn. Still I forgive. Still I continue to love myself and others.Still I predict. Still I write. Still I breakdown......



 




I am still human.










That is just me. What about you,what still are running in your life?

How To Score On A First Date

I have just been challenged by a certain gentleman to write about this so Sir, consider this my challenge accepted speech (blog). I dread first dates reason being I always have high expectations so hopefully from my own opinion humble or not this is my take on a proper first date.

Look good.I am not expecting you to pull a tuxedo on your way to a date at a common joint. Be realistic and take her where you are comfortable. The most expensive outfit you can pull together and never goes wrong is self confidence.Be yourself. Don't try and win her over only to leave her scared of your indecent approach. Stick to what you know. Don't dismiss her by her looks. Please I know with men it is all about the visual look but please just give her the benefit of a doubt. Most of us ladies, am talking about myself here where I tend to dress down on a first date reason being it's a test to see if he is indeed a gentleman or just a wolf in sheep clothing.

If you want her to think of the next time she is going to spend some alone time with you again two keys things to note down gentlemen. Be spontaneous and don't be obvious.What do I mean by this, this being the modern dating world she expects either a hug or kiss at the end of the date.Be different as much as I know you want to lean over and plant a wet one on her or squeeze her small waist towards your masculine self, control yourself.Wait until she gets home then call her.You don't want her thinking you weren't impressed but rather that you are indeed a proper gentleman.You care enough to want to hear from her again so by calling and not texting it shows that you enjoyed the date.The reason why I would advise any man not to make the first move unless she wants you to by slowly staring into you eyes and lips acting all girlie then that is your queue to give her the best kiss she has been anticipating from you or hugging you too tight and not wanting to let you go is because as the saying goes easy come easy go. You don't want to loose the chemistry by moving too fast.

If you are going for the ultimate 'kill' like having her fall for you on the first date, go the extra mile.Be romantic.Show her a side of you even you never show your boys.Gentlemen by you not being your usual 'badboy' don't mean she will find you a sissy thus friend zoning you.Listen if you want to be with a real woman then you have to be willing to step up and be the exceptional man. You only have this one night to either blow her mind into thinking," where have you been all my life" or "eww I knew he was a jerk all along". Whether you treat her right or not, be sure she will consult with her girlfriend. Let me let you in on a little secret all the friend wants to hear is that she had the time of her life with a good man. She approved in the first place why do you think she agreed to go out with you?

The little things to a woman matter.The little silly yet aww gestures melts even the hardest of hearts.Bringing her a rose on a date, holding her hand while you walk her home, making eye contact while she tells you about herself and smiling /laughing at her jokes or making her laugh, opening the door, pulling out a chair while at the restaurant, paying attention to details like when she shy's away when you complement her...all these small things to a woman well to someone like me, really matter. A man with a sense of humor is a turn on.He makes it easier to open up to than a man who looks like it was either going out with you or going to prison.Clearly prison wold have been a better choice.


 Most importantly acknowledging that she is different from the ladies you have met not only leaves her feeling special but assures her that you are special.

Kiss Ass

Until when will you keep bending over and licking people's behind clean? Don't you value yourself wait wrong question so for how long will you continue to be a honey sucker? Yes, your actions are that disgusting. Like don't you ever get tired? Is it that good down there that all you ever think about when you wake up is ass? I hope you are irritated reading this as I am watching this poor lady bend over to kiss another lady's behind just to be in her good books. What books? She is using you to get information and afterwards will like the animal kingdom turn against you and tear you into pieces. Don't you get it, the difference between you and toilet paper is that atleast it is soft. Oh, come on, stop it already.

You poor man who has reduced what was left of your manhood to not only massage the nuts of your fellow species but suck them dry.Goodness, how low can you go? wait lower ....heavens!I know you owe the man and probably your life but not literally you know.He can't have two lives you know. He had your back when no one else left blah blah blah ...okay did you not thank him a gazillion times already?Did you not make it up to him?Lowering your self worth for a fellow human being is not what God had in mind when he said be grateful. There is selflessness and goddamnit man up. Like get your shit together.You owe sure but not like that.

Be your own master. Sure we all have to answer to someone at the end of the day but atleast without the feeling guilt part. Whatever happened to trying ....giving it you best shot....not backing down until the task is done. What are we going to prove that indeed by being African we have to be primitive enough to act like baboons? You are right am mad.Mad at these weaklings. Get over it already. Move on. So what they don't like you? That is not the end of the world. At this point in your life they may seem like your everything but I kid you not when I assure you just like you can barely recall the last time you tried to pull a left eye/Nelly patch they too shall be history.You will look back and laugh your heart out.True story.

Ask yourself this, if they are so awesome why do they need you in their lives? If they are so cool and popular why are they so insecure that they need an extra 'eye' to keep an 'eye' on what they assume is theirs?I will tell you why, they are insecure first of all of you. Yes, you are a threat you just don't know it yet. So they have applied the keep your friends close but your enemies closer card on you. Shame on you for being obvious bait. Second of all they are insecure so they need the extra set of eyes to keep them on the know how while they are away working on plan C....be sure you are plan T....terminate ...as soon as they are fed up of your boring shenanigans. 

From my research and observations, why is it that they only invite you when it's convenient ...when they need the extra distraction? I hope someone  who is going through this phase is reading this and is about to set this blog on fire. Welcome to reality.You have been a blind bat for way too long now get up and start living your life...for you.When was the last time you did something for yourself? When did it stop being about you and became all about her/him?Forget where you went wrong and start thinking of how you will make it right with yourself. You already messed everyone else and have no chance of surviving on your own.Yes you did. I am here not to babysit you or help you be in further denial but help you realize where you went wrong and make what is left right.Atleast for you to have clear conscious in December and make a fresh start come 2015.

You are your own boss.Do the right thing. Be a good kisser on the lips or anywhere else on someone else's body but not the Ass.

Things That Have To Go .....

It breaks my heart everytime I witness someone struggle with an insecurity. I know it comes with the human package so whether you like it or not even the people who appear to own it all can not disown this one bad habit. It hurts more when it comes from people you care about and in most cases these are the very same people who have extra ordinary personalities ..they are the kind to comment leaving you all,"ok who says that". Yes, they are that good.

As a lady, sorry gentlemen I can't even discuss leave alone act like I know what you all struggle with or from but from a lady's perspective boy are you all in for a rude shock ...the ugly female truth ...reality.We have weight issues. Yes, I said it. Some of us want it on and others off bottom line being we all want to look as amazing as we feel.Have curves in all the right places and have men drool.We have height issues. Don't even try and deny it ladies ...some of you wish you had some extra height not that you are terribly short but there is something about men and long legs (ladies with long legs). Well, the ladies with 'never ending legs' wish at some point were short.Just to get away with dressing abit dangerously you know.Plus do you know how hard it is to find leave alone date a man taller than 5.9?

The mother of all struggles ...the number one insecurity.....drum rolls please......skin color. This has been, still is and will forever be an issue as far as the female species goes. The extremely light and extremely dark will never see eye to eye reason being they have egos longer than the great wall of china. The rest of us in betweeners do try to get along although it is never that easy. That is where we reach a friend-enemy compromise. Sure we will hug it out in public but as soon as you turn or leave best believe I will the one throwing the B word at you ....*Bitch* . That is how gentlemen we have survived. It has nothing to do with am jealous of her or feel as though am better than her it just is what it is.We will never get along.

Back to the main issue insecurities.I have come to a conclusion and a principle am applying in my life.I will never be her, never understand what others see in her that I don't and she and I will never toast to anything in life but I can live my life my way. If men choose to go for another overlooking you no worries, I will move on. If they think she is cooler than I am, again that is their opinion and not the opinion of the rest of the male kingdom so fine by me.If he compares me to her now that is a red flag.That is where I draw the line.I refuse to be subjected to looks as opposed to my actions.I know who I am and what I am capable of so if the people I hang out with don't see that, clearly I am not the problem, they are. So change it.

Listen here ladies with extra beauty (weight) forget hitting the gym just to rock that bikini.Time is of the essence and I guarantee you the minute you become a size zero your mentality will still be of a plus size.So don't change your weight, change your thoughts. Heck you want to swim, screw the models in the rooms , knock yourself out.Either way you swim or not they will laugh and talk behind your back. You know what happens when you face your bullies they back off.They will eventually let you be.Ladies of the wild, ladies of the jungle , my tall sisters, do not be ashamed of the one strength gave you to stand out. Don't rock flat shoes just to see if you can fit in. Stand out and rock that mini skirt even though those predators claim your place in the society is in the convent rocking those robes.

Bottom line is ladies, don't expect a man to come complement you while as all you see in the mirror is ugly with a capital U. You have made it this far so cancel out those 2015 resolutions and draft a new attitude for December better yet today. Garbage in garbage out ...if they don't celebrate you don't tolerate them as well. It takes two to tangle so grab you best feature and dance out your insecurities.While you are busy beating yourself down, time is running out and so are people with the patience to hear you complain time and again that you are not good enough. No one ever is so stop watching people live and live and allow those who don't belong in your life leave.

Things that have to go .......enough said!

261 postviewers

Truly humbled that all 261 of you at some point either go through my blogs or wait patiently for me to share my shenanigans. Please do feel free to comment for us to interact. Like I always say writing is my therapy and if any of my posts have helped you in a way I would sure love to hear from you.Know your thoughts and know how to go about it. Know where I need to calm done or work on. As far as my grammar goes please don't expect me to be someone I am not. I just write what I am either experiencing or thinking at the moment.





I am taking this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you beautiful and handsome darlings who have been nothing short of awesome.You matter to me anyway not for me to be popular to be honest I have always been the type to shy away but atleast my writing makes sense to me and on realizing that someone has been going through my words, I feel honored like in some way that is your way of letting me know that I too matter. Thank you.

Always and forever!!!!!!

It's none of my business

Lately I have been troubling myself with thoughts that are really not all that serious or worth the trouble. At times you just have to realize that the less you mind others the more you rediscover yourself.

It's not that deep even though it keeps lingering in my mind time and again. If it is beyond me then that right there my friends is a sign that it is none of my business. 

Self gained ulcers are a waste of not only finances but time. That should be my December resolution. As a thanks giving gift to myself that you know what it's none of my business. I am minding my own one at a time and what I can't I allow the almighty do his thing. You know what self, Christ has this so relax. Work on this blog and see how it goes...am think blogging ... Thinking and blogging at the same time. 

At times I just want to copy paste good stuff from great articles but that would mean am a fake person. I have splendid ideas but putting them across can be a tick on a cow. 

So this Thursday morning ladies and gentlemen lets mind each to his/her own and see how the thirst unfolds. 

Bear hugs and butterflies kisses

Relax..... 


Darling...........

What is wrong with today's man?

At this rate these men got me wishing that I was born back in the day when it was just about man and God.Sure there was war but it was never about fighting over a woman or men having unrealistic demands.That would make me worse than these type of me generalizing them, so I wont. There are gentlemen out there ladies so before you throw in the towel and reconsider crossing over to the other side ...loving women ...wait just a moment. I know these sad kind of men who have robbed you of what used to be the cool,confident and independent you but who says they have to have the last laugh?That was just but their shallow opinions but then again you have the final say as to who can and can not influence you.Don't you think you have taken this too far?Young lady it is time to claim back you life.Guess what they are still living their lives and loudly just so it sinks in how they were quick to forget that they were the reason you walk around with a bad attitude, mad at the world and bitter than bile.

Goodness who broke your hearts so bad that you think every good woman has to pay?Why is it that these men are transferring their negative energy on innocent woman who are just but genuinely themselves. We don't even want to know who they are or meet them in person considering they did a good job in clouding your judgement about all women. Sad but true. So now apparently these hypocritical men have a type. By these I mean the kind that is quick dismiss a lady based on if she is what he goes for. Get this they want,"A lady with a light complexion, yellow if possible .. with curves in all the right places ...perfect set of breasts ... a small waist...hips that swing and sway as they walk and a behind so beautiful and well built it will leave him thinking he is living in a dream ...long well maintained hair...a beautiful smile with a white set of teeth all in their places ..legs that are not too long or short thin or fat but perfect with matching toe nails well maintained.She should neither be short or long but just in between and dumb." Yes, ladies and the rest of you good men out there, they want the perfect 'trophy' to fit in his 'perfect' life with his 'perfect' friends.the kind that will earn him respect.

If you are tall ...a model....ladies you need to do something about it. Like with all due respect what in the world am I supposed to do, get implants to reduce my God given height or if am dark should I bleach myself just to get a halo? Are these kind of men worth it, never.Ladies,
while you are busy trying to fit in this man's delusion, he will indeed settle down with a version of who you used to be.No matter how appealing these men tend to be and I kid you not they are like little demons, they know what to say, when to say it and even how to say it.They are just too good to be true. Be aware!

Unless you want to cover up a scar that has lowered your self esteem please ladies, don't change anything about yourselves for these for now men. He is thrilled by anything and everything that appears appealing to him for now until he eventually matures up and wants nothing to do with the old him or so he claims. The same way a woman is quick to change her mind, is the same way these men will pass this phase. I believe it is a phase ..it has to be ...Be contented with who you are and the right man will applaud your efforts of simply being you.

Waking up to sad news is the worst feeling in the world.But like I always console myself, it was fun and there was a reason the person was in your life in the first place.It may not make sense now or ever considering how the situation ends but at one point you knew they were worth meeting you. Atleast I hope they were.I always say it is only too late when the person dies so if that is not the case know at some point in life you will run/bump into them again.

I heard information is power but damn it I did not need this much information.I am too overwhelmed at the moment to digest each and every word uttered. All of a sudden I feel as though none of this is real.Am I living in a dream.Do you mind waking me up and returning me to already has been.I knew I was onto something on my own but when life serves you a reality check, you become numb.No more please.What you don't know wont hurt you but now there is no turning back.One wrong word changed everything and I don't know about other females but for me that is a point of no return.Done!

Things will never be the same again.Ever.The worst mistake any man can ever do is treat a good woman like a side chic. Even worse not apologize but buy his way out. For those of us blessed with jobs I assure you gentlemen that to us rings an alarm that something is wrong. Why are you trying so hard to get me the one thing you know I want? I wish men were just honest. Mature enough to sit us down and tell it like it is. Sure it will sting and hurt like crap but in the end we will end up respecting you instead of finding out on our own or being offered the information by your bestfriend. That leaves a scar. 

Scandal to me right about now feels like reality as opposed to a series. A series of lies.The worst stage any woman can ever be driven to by any man is the doubting stage. If she doubts you she will never trust you ever again meaning chances of the two of you ever being friends again are probably never. You have just earned yourself the silence card. The to me you don't exist zone.Nothing you ever do or say will ever matter.It is worse than being in the enemy zone.

Why can't we all just be honest?You can't handle the truth that is why. You are right because I will use the truth as a woman to punish and get even with you.

You are a fool

To all those men out there who treat women as if they are garbage, you lack integrity, primitive and deserve a place in the wild with the rest of the animals. Who do you think you are making that lady second guess herself just because she doesn't fit you delusional picture? 

If only you were taller or shorter, lighter or darker, a bit curvy or a slender who died and made you God to judge women over things they cannot change? Take a good and long look in the mirror before trying to fix the masterpiece God formed and said,"It is good". Sadly I change my skin complexion or physical appearance to try and fit in your broke world. By broke I mean a life so hollow, shallow and with no character. 

Unfortunately the same lady you are busy making fun of is the very same lady years later you will need to approve a business deal. Life is full of surprises so be very careful how you treat people who tend not to be what you expect them to become.

If you laughing, making fun or bullying me will force God change my situation around and bless me then don't just sit there get right to it. Make me feel as though am worthless. I don't believe in revenge but as karma would have it what you give is what you receive so enjoy my downfall and please ensure I stay down long enough before I get to hear of your unhappily ever after.

Ladies, I beg you do not allow such wastes influence your own opinion about yourself. The right man will love you unconditionally flaws and all. You don't to change anything about you.Just work on being the best you can be and allow life unfold all on its own. The art of time. You may not see it yet but one day you will thank yourself for reading this and using it to finally walk out of that abusive relationship.

Truly, you are a fool if you think you deserve anything less than what life has to offer. 

There are two types of men as far as I am concerned the kind you can read in between the lines and the kind am dealing with at the moment.The stubborn, arrogant and un submissive type. I don't know why but the mystery behind all this act thrills me.Truth be told. The more predictable he becomes the less I am interested. I like a man who is all man not that you the reader (gentlemen) are not.A man who keeps me on my toes is worth any consequences.The type that doesn't demand but expects by the way he handles you.He lets me know am his priority although he is still incharge. The type that understands that backing down is not an option.He has to get my full attention.Jealous when am with other men even though he knows they are just friends but composed enough to punish me with his extra attention.

The gentleman kind of man that you can predict his next move is good.Good from far but far from good.He starts off like the kind who wants to settle down.The kind everyone approves of but deep down you know he is putting on an act. He has everyone eating out of his hands with his kind gestures, the kind to 'wait' until you are ready only to realize he was indeed a male prostitute. Yes, he has been everywhere but not with you.You never saw it coming because he had mastered his craft. He was always there or was he? Physically yes...emotionally yes...financially yes ..but what about mentally did you even linger leave alone register in his mind?That is where most women go wrong and end up blaming themselves when he leaves. He got you feeling like you could have done more.what more if I may ask?

The men who always tend to rub you off from the very first encounter end up being the best lovers and friends.Blame it on watching too man movies but somehow it is true.Even though he might not be the 'one' he will always hold a place in your heart.You never forget such men...ever!He ends up surprising you in ways you never would have imagined....they sweep you off your feet and leave you want more.The get the one thing these other 'average looking Joe's " never find ...your heart.

How old are you?

How old am I?I don't know old enough to knock some senses into your thick skull or just knock you out.So how is that for an answer?Forget the fact that most if not all men at one point ask you this which is not annoying but when a lady asks he unless she is either my banker , therapist, lawyer or doctor, this does nothing for me. Is it that you are concerned of how old I am or asking that to annoy me. Most shallow and by shallow am sure someone somewhere agrees with me that such a question is irrelevant. Asking me just to make yourself feel younger and more accomplished be it at work or at a social gathering proves to me that I was right about you all along. No wonder I have never liked you.Anyway, good luck trying to pull the forever super sweet sixteen look grandma. Have you ever noticed that most ladies who tend to ask this are usually the ones who are insecure and old looking. Like seriously you are twenty one perhaps your ego is that long but not your face honey.Go easy on the make up...it should highlight your features not leave you looking like you are the face of Halloween in January. Trick or treat clearly to all of us who have met you it was a delightful trick.

To all the mother-in-laws and nagging relatives, get a hobby and quit picking on good ladies who bring more to the table than you often give them credit for.I know you wish you son was dating a hot Brazilian model with an Ethiopian face and a waist of that of a nail.Darling the apple doesn't fall far from the tree so unless you are a perfect example don't cloud your mind with thinking you know what is best for he. He is a grown man if not he wouldn't be having sex or let me guess you are always a speed dial away from guiding him on how to get his love on. Seriously though I plan on being a mother one day and I pray am not the monster-in-law kind. Whatever makes my children happy, I will respect it even though their spouse will have to prove to me that they are there for all the right reasons.Like that is something I expect and will respect from any mother wanting the best for her son but not dictating who she thinks is the best for him. Listen, you can't live your life and live your childrens lives as well.You might end up either messing up or loosing out on both. 

Finally,quit meddling in my life. I love you but don't get it twisted I will kick you to the curb even though we are related. If I don't insist on knowing everything about you then I expect the same respect.I get that you are concerned that I am not getting any younger but that will only lead me to getting into a meaningless relationship  just to get you off my back.That wouldn't be fair to that man or myself. Just do you and trust that I can do me.If God didn't entrust me enough to be team me, am sure he would have made things different so why are you trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing? If men grew on trees I would be gladly pluck one and take him home or cut a branch and go some  but it is not.

It is only frustrating when people make you their business yet their lives are far from being better. Don't use me as an excuse for why things are not working out for you.Since I can't disrespect you by telling you even though it is the right thing to do, I will leave it here for you to read and re-read it over and over again until you realize that age is just but a number.I maybe thirty five and immature or twelve and mature.Bottom line is life is not a respecter of age so why are you trying to define me by how old I am?

Then next time you ask ,"how old are you?" I will gladly respond old enough to do me

If it were not for the internet you would be reading a mind blowing blog about what is currently going through my mind but oh well, that is for another day.I should have saved it on word but when you are working on something juicy the last thing on your mind is saving it.You just want it all out immediately kinda like serving it while it is still hot.

How to get my passion back?Don't get me wrong now but there is nothing exciting about reliving old flames again. To those of you who keep assuming if I had to do it all over again like literally I assure you you would mess up big time. Even if given the chance to relive yesterday, I guarantee you that not only would you make the same mistakes but relive it worse.Which got me thinking if I were to wake up as a socialite, that very same night I would be pronounced dead.Think about it.I am not accustomed to that kind of life style, not judging by the way but I would over do everything. I would drink, smoke, inject and do all sorts of fun filled live in the moment shenanigans.To compensate for the various times I wished I already had such ...money and fun.

Dating or going on a date...wait back up ....accepting an invitation to go out on a day in itself is already a big deal.It feels like a full time job.I job I wouldn't wish upon my very worst enemy .... or maybe I would just to amuse myself. Listen, if you aren't a sadist as far as people you don't like goes, congratulations you are their dart board. Everything negative and bad they always blame it on you and even worse even though life doesn't look up for them atleast they have you to laugh about. True story so quit living in a bubble.Where was I?Oooooooh dating. Goodness even the name itself leaves a bad taste in my mouth.Cable lies alot.They make you believe that there are plenty of fish  out there well to be honest only the odd looking fellas are left in that wagon.No offense but it kinda seems so. All the fine looking brothers are happily married, flashing their wedding bands like you were too little to late.Damn you! Let's not be selfish here, lets not forget gay men are trying to fight for their rights.With all due respect, it's not enough I have to compete with a gazillion other ladies out there young, my age , older and now men ...oh please sit down he-she.

The fear of going on a blind date especially when the two of you have been chatting is how this person truly looks like.Is he as handsome as he comes off across.Does his character match up his enticing words or was he copy pasting this entire conversation? You look nothing like the man I imagined or should I blame it all on my mind? Is this where you get to throw the you had high expectations card?

Certain things that really bother well irritate the skin out of me.Asking me the same old boring questions like how have you been?Where do you live?Do you have more pictures?Are you on Instagram?Can we hook up on the weekend? Seriously gentlemen you better come up with something interesting from what you have already gathered about me not using the same 'get her' game.Understand this with each lady comes a different game plan.Someone of us..well myself, I have mastered a thing or two so avoid the above DON'TS. Like what part of being private don't you get.If there is anything to tell I will but until then don't push it.Most men tend to do that, well I have observed.Trying to rush everything or getting to know her in a day. Take your time. Do your back ground check on her. After all that is why you chase besides what fun would it be if I gave you all the information?

Give me something to be passionate about and I will by all means submit.

Darling,

I have always wanted to write a romantic novel. A book entailing everything I have had to go through would be a best seller no doubt but for now am taking one step at a time....Jordin Sparks... I love music and as I write along you will understand well get the idea am desperately trying to put across.

Darling, while you were away, I tried to forget you.While you were miles away I convinced myself that what I felt for you was a crush that left the day you boarded that plane. Before you even left, I had already missed you.I wish I was lying just to get a smile on that handsome face but am not so instead I am hoping your heart skips a beat. I was mad and I still am...mad... both about and at you. How dare you linger in my mind as though my life without you has no meaning?How dare you just up and leave and say nothing?What am I supposed to do with all these feeling? What am I supposed to tell my heart? I want to bite, slap and kiss you all at the same time. Yes, you got me in a bitter sweet mood.

Nothing makes sense when you are not around. Nothing is hilarious anymore for sadly your annoying presence is not here. I don't miss you, I can never miss you, am not supposed to miss you, how can I miss you, goodness I miss you.If you ever ask me if I did I will deny it.I want to text but I can't, I want to call but it is not in my place, I want to write but am sure you will just make fun of me while laughing then dismiss it so instead I will 'blog it' hoping one day you will realize that I may not have told or shown it but at some point in my life, you mattered. 

I want to be the first person you see when you get back even though I wasn't the last person you saw when you left. My bestfriend always assures me that it is never a one woman or man show. Somehow am hoping she is right and that deep within that great wall of china (your heart) past your ego and pride you atleast cared.

I have drastically lost weight over thinking about you.It is not even healthy anymore.I need to pull myself together.How do I do it you may ask?I will tell you how, I always whisper to my heart that even though he may not be the man for me, a good man will find me the same way he found another.Selfless love is the worst.It has nothing to win if you ask me for in most cases it always looses.Growing up I always felt out of place.Like I did not belong and that no one would ever get me.I was not wrong. So the only way I could survive was being in my own little world. I did not rely on peoples opinions or advise for at the end of the day good or bad I was the one to suffer the consequences. 

Being a tomboy ...climbing trees instead of playing dress up or with dolls I wrestled with my brothers.....To date I still prefer comfort over fabulosity.  Not to contradict myself that I don't wear dresses or 6inch heels I do, I can even run in them all day long but I just like dressing up in baggy pants on the weekends, a torn t-shirt and rubber shoes be it converse or Bata rubbers.Having to put on make up feels like decorating a cake.It is already beautiful but what is with all the icing and sugar.Too much sugar if you ask me.Unless it involves an official or special occasion I look like your average plain Jane. I am easily dismissed for being a natural looking lady.

Most of my friends growing up were guys so at times I get why a man would feel like I am hard headed and stubborn.I am not easy to please for most men tend to apply the same game on me.Using their titles to get the girl which by the way gentlemen is a turn off to most of us genuine ladies.We go for the simple things like how you laugh at our jokes, notice the little things about us...To me it is not what you have to offer but the manner in which you are offering it.When you feel as though what you are offering is not enough shows rather proves just how insecure and vulnerable you are. 

So main squeeze while you were away, I did some thinking out loud.I am still the same old ridiculous me.Nothing has changed just that you weren't around to witness me being me. With or without you,life went by , still is going on and will continue to go on. Don't get me wrong you make me better but even on my own am good.So you see you do add value to my life.You matter and still will matter even though you cease to be in my life.I want the best for you so if by now it hasn't lingered in your mind that I have been your best kept secret just between you and yourself, I wish you nothing but happiness.

Welcome back, it may not be the arrival I was hoping for but atleast you are back safe and sound.The only gift I can give you are my kind words.Anytime you need a reality check, I promise to be blunt.

While you were away something deep inside me awakened and there is no turning back.I am glad you never said goodbye because at the back of my mind I know we will forever have a see you later. 

 Now am doing the one thing I like the most..... Just like music I can't tune you away or turn this feeling low enough 

Lost for words

There are certain situations you go through and go like now what? More or less the Riri song what now .... Forget the firm punch in the stomach am talking about you are left feeling like a neglected painting. Well hang on the wall yet no one  wants to stop by and just observe you.... figure you out... At the moment that is how I feel. 

Writing is my therapy. I am hardly in foul moods that is because am always thinking and thinking gets to me to write. Indeed my thoughts inspire me so you could say I am my own inspiration. 

How do you compete with facts? How do you defy your own heart? How do you  balance the brain to agree with the heart? My head is faced with reality yet my heart is lost in hope. Hanging on to heaven knows what.

The timing is wrong. The situation is complicated and the parties involved are too proud to admit that something is wrong. I am always prepared so I hate surprises altogether. Am never surprised in a good way rather always end up disappointed . Does anyone else relate? 

Right now I will believe just anything negative to justify the fact that am not willing to fight but walk away. Am looking for a way to out my thoughts without having to explain why or answer to anyone . Ofcourse am scared of being wrong. The old me would have imagined the situation away but you realize as you mature you don't postpone problems. You solve them head on then move on and life continues.

I don't want to grow up. I want to act like a teenager and have someone else take the blame for it. If that were the case I would not be here writing this. I am not immature leave alone irresponsible so incase anyone else is going through the same shenanigans well then this is what we will do. Nothing! Stay in your lane and if things decide to unfold let them so until then, you are stuck here with me ... for now anyway. 

If it is true then it will be beautiful if not get a shovel because things are about to get ugly. Feeling good and looking good won't be as a result of having a carrot and a glass of water. 

That bikini will not wear itself now will it? Time to eat and look fabulous 

😘

My very first

Allow me to laugh at myself because what I thought and what I got is sheer entertainment. I always lived in a bubble. If being a dreamer had a face I would be the ambassador no doubt. At a tender age I always knew that one day I would write. Nothing to do with politics or cooking although I can't get enough of my own cooking .... Self confidence people self assurance is the only thing you can reward yourself with for free. Well either that or criticism. 

I never read Nancy Drew books but romantic novels had a way of polishing up my literature. It's not in the way the author wrote the words but how he knew where to place each occurrence as I read along. How his hands .... Her heart throbbed in her throat ... How they both locked themselves in the barn and through their eyes made love without having to undress each other...did I mention it was raining .... It always rained *damn it* 

I knew when I wanted my first kiss and with whom. It happened so fast that I hardly had the time to get my moment to relive what I read years ago. All I can say though, is that he taught me well. To date I have mastered the art of it. Not because I have enrolled in a class but I have learnt the secret is in teaching each other with your spouse.

I was young, curious and immature then but now I want my first date to be perfect .I don't want anything fancy or extra expensive which will leave an echo in your bank account. This is how I view it. Since we are both working and mature why act like a bunch of morons trying to impress each other with layers of make up on on my side and a loan from yours just to make a statement. 

I have maintained myself this far so my problem is not how you will afford me but take over from me having to maintain myself. I want the date simple and meaningful. I just want him to go out of his way creatively and impress me in ways that don't involve money. 

My first date .... I just want it to be about you and me. To not talk about cliche things like where do you work ... Live ... Where you went to campus blah blah blah enough of that madness. Talk of things that will make me laugh. I promise to be myself. Hey I will even show up with a non padded bra *laughs* you know just to be real and myself. 

I want my first date to get you thinking damn she is not what I had in mind leave alone what I go for but I have to keep her in my life. Like seriously where has she been all my life? If that were to happen then to me I will have had a perfect first date where two mature strangers decided to be friends.

Simply me... Take it or leave it

I am not a writer or a professional blogger so don't expect perfection or words which will leave you speechless wondering to yourself ," am I that illiterate?" I am in a relationship with Google .... Not that I doubt myself but it's always safe to get a second opinion. 

I tell it like it is even though so many have taken this the wrong way but truth be told I am not responsible for what you hear but rather what I say. To an extent of them asking, " how are you even friends with her?" I will tell you how, by simply walking up to me and saying hi. Let me take it from there. 

While you are busy criticizing others, know that they are busy returning the favor by planning on how to see to it that you not only fail but remain a failure. You may be bad but there are worse and sadists out there. Note to self...NOTED!

I am always myself and that to me is more than enough. Like I always tell gentlemen, if by now my character and personality have not left you breathless indeed as much as I don't drink, a good make out session of heated passion won't change your mind of how you "view" me. If anything I will have lowered my self worth just to make it easier for you to realize am not worth it. 

If I have no intention of being in a serious relationship with you believe you me I will walk away. I always tell my best friend that I don't mind being the bigger man in any situation. Instead of picking a fight , I would rather go eat or work out ... like I said am ridiculous well ridiculously awesome.

If I like you, I will not hesitate to show my appreciation and loyalty. If I don't like you professionally I will be on my best behavior to not stoop to your level but rather make you come to my level. You may not like me but you will respect me regardless ... Oh I will be sure to give you something to respect me over.

If I don't like you, I will not even make eye contact. To me you simply don't exist. so why waste my perfect vision on a wall while I can admire a gentleman in a suit? Female drama rubs me off in all the wrong ways.so I avoid them all together but if need be well... am always in it to win until the very end.

I am everything you think I am. A fool when inlove, overprotective, obsessed with achieving goals and targets, ambitious, a lady, a tomboy anything you name it. Depending on who is asking I always play along but never allow a situation define who I truly am. 

The one thing that people don't ever get a chance to know about me is that am very spiritual. My relationship with God always comes first. He is my everything for everything I have is his. I am simple yet sophisticated in my own unique way. 

Each lady is special in her own beautiful way so the thought of generalizing me as "you women" has and will never sit well with me. 

 

I don't expect much other than the very same thing I give out. I am simply me so take it or leave it.

Christmas miracle

That is all am waiting for, a Christmas miracle. When you have done all you can then the only thing left to do is surrender. Let it go.... Let things be. All you can do is just wait for an intervention but in my case I prefer a miracle. 

I was watching the ultimate gift movie and it hit me, that is how I have made it this far. By getting rid of all my cheerleaders and prioritizing my true friends. I get that am not the smartest person in the room but with the company of people who bring out the best of me, I end being better than I short saw myself. 

I can't say my inspiration is gone but when you see the only person who made your days on earth less annoying it kinda feels like a kick in the behind. I don't even want to over think the situation because as a lady am allowed to not only change my mind but over think things that just should be left alone. But that only happens when we seek the truth... Answers!!!!

I don't want designer shoes, outfits or bags. I don't really care about the festive feast. I don't want to attend the Christmas Eve in church acting like am so thankful yet deep down I feel like yet again decades later God you made me wait just to spend Christmas alone. Well not alone alone but you get what I mean .

I am just holding my last 2014 breath for a Christmas miracle. I don't want a special delivery from the North Pole heck am in Nairobi Kenya can Santa clause even trace that down? As for what I want am sure the world can wait for I have been extra good this year so I deserve all the best things life has to offer humanity . 

My exceptions and reality are two different things so all I wish...hope for.... is change. Just a simple difference from what people term as "kawaida" . Am done with the routine .... 

Roll in the next month please ....🎄🎁

My black is beautiful 😍😘

This is how I feel. That indeed my black without a doubt is beautiful. God was not a fool creating me black for he knew I couldn’t handle the scorching sun. I am still getting the hang of it. What happened to character and personality and not allowing how we look define who we end up having in our lives? Why is it that most Kenyan ladies are correcting things beyond their control just to please the very same men who will leave them for a dark version of who you used to be?

I wish I had the answers but I don’t. Just like everyone else am lost in these trying to keep up with appearances or in realities case these shenanigans. What happened to India Aries’, “I am not my hair,
I am not this skin, I am not your expectations no no “? What are we doing to ourselves ladies enslaving ourselves to causes that need not be raised instead of taking up real causes like breast cancer, skin cancer, educating the girl child things will benefit generations to come and not short lived projects to prove a point that you got the man.

 

It breaks my heart to learn that teenagers as young as sixteen are engaging in premarital sex with married men just because he treats you like a princess. Why are we allowing our young sisters to be robbed of their innocence while we can curb this from the very beginning? Men talk while as women yell or isn’t that the make belief? Ladies, it is time to put down the blush brushes and pick up real brushes and scrub the ‘dirt’ out of our lives. Be your sisters keeper. Make a difference regardless of whether society celebrates or applauds your efforts. Leave your mark in that the next lady behind you will meet high standards. Let us not make it easy for these gentlemen considering we fall emotionally and when we do we hold back absolutely nothing.

Where is the proud African woman who had her place in society? I will tell you where she is, she is busy trying to convince the world that she is someone she will never achieve to become. That goes to every woman who has killed her inner voice just to have her outer one heard. To all the ladies who have kept it real through this sheer madness, I celebrate you. I raise my glass to you for I know it has not been easy. It’s not even about to be easy but just for keeping your head raised real high and standing your ground you are indeed a queen. Hold on baby gal, your king has not been entertaining these self-made concubines but rather he has been taking his time controlling his demons (lust) knowing that his queen is worth more than a random kiss.

I am yet to meet men who change their skin color or their bodies just to land the ideal lady. Perhaps the reason why these ladies feel the urge to change/transform themselves is not out of desperation but rather insecurity. The thought of being so close to being his and actually knowing what he will go for makes a lady want to be what this man goes for in the first place. I am not pointing fingers or judging them but disappointed in that they are selling themselves short.

If something is meant to be, it will be. But if you find yourself bending the rules to try and achieve the expected goals it is only logical that it will break. Ladies if you don’t feel that he doesn’t treat you in the way you think you should feel then tell him and if he still can’t provide it then leave. Men are supposed to chase but I feel like today’s modern woman (most but not all) is giving him nothing to chase. Women are supposed to submit but if the man she is supposed to look up to cannot be all the man he should be then I guarantee she will leave.

We ladies and gentlemen are to blame. People are no longer taking time to communicate. Instead reading in between the lines has been the priority. Take your sweet time. Like I always say cheap is very expensive and expensive is cheap. Let me explain myself, if you find a person who doesn’t know what they want in life but only wants to live in the moment, run……….. They will drain you financially, emotionally and mentally. You will end up investing so much in them just to know if they know what they want or not. The minute you find someone who has not made it yet in life but is willing to take the risk to get there with you by your side, run with them and never look back. Like I said expensive is cheap to maintain.

In conclusion, stay true to who you are no matter what. Don’t be quick to please society while we all know society neither forgives nor forgets. Be wrapped up in your life to pay attention to society for the minute you mind your own business that is when you get people’s and not just ‘ the common mwananchi’ but the right people’s attention. Be you and the world will embrace your ridiculous awesomeness.