My undefined

He is not a good kisser because that would mean I have kissed a lot of men and that I would be comparing his perfect set of lips with those of other good men out there. He is my ultimate turn on. Reason being he is everything I never wanted nor expected in life. He simply blows my mind. It's like everytime I am with him , time has a way of sitting still. It allows us to just be us. He is neither shy not proud but rather what you would term as a modern man with an old soul.

What gets me about this mad man for indeed he is one mad man is his faith in God. Oh yes that man can "gerrit" . He doesn't even have to ask or beg for it, I would gladly offer myself as the ultimate gift to unwrap. I know ho ho ho *giggles*. 

He looks one thing yet is the complete opposite. He comes off as the rock as in the wrestler but in real sense he is the sweetest yet fragile man I have ever come across. When he is sentimental it comes off a trick to me but to be honest I love it when he is mad. Especially when I make him mad. It makes me desire him even more. 

Ladies ,don't just get with a good or bad man. Get one who gets you on your toes. That unpredictable man who leave s you brethly anticipating for next time if there is a next time.

I have to go now, see if I can get back into his good books. Wish me luck or I will spending Christmas kicking myself. He has to com around, damn it I will make him come around after all, like any other lady, I have my own unique charm of getting my way. Ain't that the ugly truth. Sorry gentlemen. 

Enjoy yourselves darlings. 

Sleepy Zzzz...........

I know its been a while since I blogged but am here and hopefully here to stay.I missed you checkmates although I have never heard from any of you but I know you are out there.Thank you for not giving up on me even though to be honest I feel like just calling it a life ..deactivating this account and just going back to my same old familiar life. You ever feel that?Like you took a leap of faith, did what you were expected to do but still nothing good has come of it. I pretty much feel like that.Hopeless yet helpless.Like I am already doing something yet if feels like am just warming the edge of this seat.

Well today being Friday,am assuming most offices are holding their end of the year party.Where you all act like you were besties yet at some point you wanted to set them on fire like literally. The offers are out of this world.It is everything you had envisioned it would be. Anything but boring. You would really go out of your way to have the time of your life.You would be kicking it up a notch by learning a new dance move or hook up with a random stranger. It Christmas no one is judging you , not yet anyway.But then the most bizarre thing happens , you decline each offer and end up blogging instead. From the sound of things people are clearly dancing the night away. The amazing thing is that you don't feel out of place...no sir/ma'am. You feel right at home all along doing the one thing you enjoy the most talking to yourself through this blog. 

Like I always say things are not meant to unfold the way we always expect them to but they unfold the way they are supposed to ...on their own. It sucks you probably want to punch me in the face right about now coz I don't understand that you have not been getting a break all year through and I don't blame you.Damn right you deserved to have a good night what is left of it anyway but think about it, would you still like you in the morning knowing you went all out just to prove a point that indeed you too can 'get down'. I assure you, times will come when you will be the one declining the offers for you will nothing but time to kick back and relax so until then, keep pushing on your end. Invest and save every last coin you have worked hard for. 

Will it be worth it, you bet your sweet or handsome self it will be but when, I don't know babygal/babyboy that not even I have an answer to. All I know is that you are not alone in this so just keep warm.




                                                

Goodnight checkmates!!

It's not yet Christmas 🎄

I still have ample time until it's Christmas. The holidays just began I know but it still feels unreal to me. For those of you who had planned to end this year in a grand way and by now nothing seems to be looking up then you are in the right place. Let me keep you company. Why not grab a mug of hot chocolate and a cookie considering it's the holidays so everyone else is eventually high on sugar so nobody is judging atleast until January *smile*.

Today was a bad day for it did not unfold as I had expected. But I guess that is the beauty of it. It unfolded the way God wanted it to. I was just talking to my best friend this morning via text as we have been so busy we barely see each other. Change is good like I always say so if it means having to support a friend achieve her goals then so be it. Go out of your way to ensure your friend whether swamped with work or not still knows they can rely on you. Don't stop being you just because you got a promotion or this mostly happens to us ladies change just because you are in a relationship. Remember boyfriends come and go but finding a true friend you can always turn to no matter where fate places you on this face of the earth is priceless.

I just wanted to give back. Wanted to go volunteer cleaning kids clothes at a children's home but being this time of the year it's rather tricky but I promise to put a smile on an orphan before next year. That is one of my Christmas wish. To make a difference in someone's life other than myself . As I write this I can only imagine how much fun I would be having in a different environment in good company making beautiful memories awaiting 2015. But like I said the one thing you are looking for is right where you are so don't go out of your way to search for it, it will come to you on its own at the right time. Just relax and meanwhile just be you.

What I want is not in a box. Nor can it be achieved by just wishing on a shooting star. That would be cool but let's be realistic my belief has improved. I will let you all know as soon as my wish is granted but until then let me take my own advise and just be the same old ridiculously awesome daughter, sister, friend ...... that I have always been. 

Happy holidays checkmates 😘

My Check List

2014 has been nothing short of an amazing year for me. I am not summing everything up just yet for am a strong believer in you life changing in a split second. That is how fast I believe my God is. Before you even think it, he will do you.I feel a preaching coming on so take a seat and allow me do my thing. A ll I have in this life is faith. That is the only thing that keeping me going. If you met me in person you would literally laugh out loud for I look nothing as I come off. I have even had the life of the party title thrown my way yet I don't party. Or maybe I have been running away from my calling. I don't believe in reincarnation so all this in another life I must have been a party animal just doesn't seat well with me. 

I am pleased to announce that in 2014 I conquered my fears. I have accepted and worked on challenges head on without having to back down. This year I have accomplished and won. Forget how Stella got her groove back,mama bear as I like to refer to myself *too much cable ...I know* went out of her comfort zone. I can't believe it was that enjoyable. You recall when I blogged a while back that it would all make sense and how one day you would bump into your past and laugh. Well it turns out I did bump into my past and boy did I have a laugh. I see life finally caught up with you quietly I myself. Good for you though I did not stop but walked right past. See when you are at a better place in your life you hardly have time to sit and celebrate the long waited victory. Sure you eyes at one point want to pop out and dance and you want to scream I told you so or even whisper who is laughing now but when you are at peace with yourself you can't help but feel sorry for what the past tried to do to you.And to think that I allowed you beat me down like that?

Coming into 2014 I had no major expectations though all I knew was that things would be different. At some point I knew God would restore to me everything the devil stole from me. I knew that there would be beauty for every ash I ever got. I knew that I would smile again. That only happened when I stopped running. When I stopped walking with my head hang down. It stopped when I stopped allowing it. No one one would have done this for me no matter how much they prayed or loved me, I had to want this bad enough for myself.

See when you have been in a bad relationship and you have a glimpse of a good man even though the timing is not right it creates hope and believe that not all men are bad, greedy, selfish and immature. There are good men out there waiting. All you have to do is avail yourself psychologically. The minute you stop hoping for the day God will compensate you for every wrong done in your life and start concentrating on I just want a break from all this form him, that is when things turn around. I should have been a preachers daughter, I know though who is to say am not *laughs*. When you wake up each day with a prayer of just get me through today instead of when will this suffering and pain ever end you will rob yourself of the gifts God has in stored for you. I realized that no one was denying me anything or robbing me of anything that is not already in my life.I spent years trying to figure out why that relationship never worked out and how he could forget what we had so fast that I longed for the day someone else would put him through what he put me through. Isn't that what we humans do, wait for karma to bite there where it hurts? I am no different. I lost focus and myself as well in the process of grief. I shut down and locked everyone out. I blamed myself and at some point I was mad at God. Like why did he allow something so beautiful *selfless love* go down the drain. Why did he have to bring me this far considering I had been dealing with other struggles and on top of that take the one man I was hopelessly inlove with turn against me. At what point would all this make sense? What was the moral of this story? Ever feel like God is punishing the wrong person? That is what I struggled with for a while. I was alive but barely living.I woke up each day thinking what a waste of a perfectly good breath on someone who had no chance of surviving.

There are people who suffer and those who struggle. I was battling with both. I had to keep it together even though everyone else left. All I had was a friend to a former friend and family. I only held on to dear life for them. 2014 is my year. It did not take months but years for me to finally admit that I am over it. I learnt the gift of forgiveness, letting go and new beginnings. I have not looked back ever since. I have matured, accepted and embraced both change and life. I now understand why one person has to go through so much. It was not for me as my new bestfriend tells me, only fine gold has to go through the fire for it to be perfect. So God was preparing me not just for what is to come but for those to come in my life. He allowed it to happen for he knew I had the grace to handle it. Hiding my smile is impossible now, and when I tell people I understand what they are going through, I know it all too well. I have been down but even while I sat there I still knew one day I would get up and never look back. The only time I look back is when am oiling my back or admiring my back in a mirror. 

I told you I would preach. I have met all sorts of men. Some way too good to be through and the rest still trying to figure out. With one bad break comes so many good things. Thinking about it now, I wish I would have suffered more for the fruits of my labor are all too sweet. Life has surprised me in ways I never thought it ever unfolded in reality. God has a sense of humor. I still think am living a dream for the things he has blessed me with are beyond what my naked eyes would have witnessed. He has overwhelmed my heart. He has blown me away. So as people look and judge my present I smile and think if you only met me a while back. The price I had to pay to be here. I will one day write a book but not now as I am unfolding a new chapter of the beginning of just the cover. There is much more to write as I continue to be unveiled secrets and things no one would believe I have heard or seen. I am a reality check. God's very own testimony.

This 2014 is just the beginning, there is so much more to come and yet the year is not yet over. One 
 moment can change your life forever. Be optimistic and whatever you do don't stop believing.

This is my check list

Enjoy It

I don't understand why people say February is the month of love when clearly December is all about love. Hey,that is just but my opinion.I can already feel it kicking in. Watching people holding hands on my way home so depressing by the way especially when reality dawns on you just how single you are. Damn you mother nature! When you turn on the television and it is all about how this couple met on Christmas Eve. This is worse than watching a horror movie, it's torture for not only the body but mind and soul.Don't even get me started on how people are making plans on where they are planning to have the Christmas party and the New years party as well. Am I the only one?I love Christmas the birth of Christ and the giving and sharing of food not much the present part but family.

Christmas is the one time you realize either how amazing your life is or how boring you are. When the messages stop coming in and the calls stop, it hits you, where is everybody? Out living it up.  You have been saving all year round to make this year memorable but then again there is the security issue .In other words you are stuck here. You can't hide in the office either because that would not only be awkward but it so happens your boss gave you the entire holiday off. Thanks alot by the way. So the only other option left is eat your heart out. You barely go clubbing and this season is different even all the drunks are kicking it with their families. Thanks alot traitors.

I imagined that by the 20th I would be miles away enjoying the holidays with in a cottage where I would go make memories with new friends and who knows if am lucky have a fling with a handsome stranger. What, I have been good all year round so it would only be right to be a little naughty. Nothing illegal I always tell myself. I am too busy to be in a relationship. Or so I keep telling myself but the truth is I am scared of what he expects of and from me. I don't think am in a position to give in or ready to walk down that road. I am not afraid of the fact that he might cheat or walk out on me but that I might not give him the opportunity to witness all that. I am always positive but then again it doesn't hurt to be realistic.Expect the good with the bad, the ugly with the beautiful. Don't be naive or too paranoid. Find a balance. Be open minded. 

All I know is that I want the last days of 2014 to be the very best. I want to take a risk. I will never know until I try. But not anything stupid that will cause or cost not only myself but those around me. Time to surrender. I have given 2014 the best of my new year and have countered each situation with my experience from other years.I will make the best of what is presented before me. I may not be in a position to travel because perhaps what am meant to find or find me is already around. I will laugh and dance and if truly in the mood even capture the moment.

Before the clock strikes midnight I will look back and have nothing to regret as far as 2014 is concerned. December comes ones in a year. It took too long to get here and now that it is here, what do I do? Enjoy it. 

Happy holidays Checkmates!

Monday

I have so many thoughts running through my mind and the problem is I don't know where to begin. It is as if I am doing the right thing yet I feel like crap. The more I give the less I feel.This is strange and all new to me for I have never been here before. Knowing me I like some juicy gossip. No offense to my fellow Kenyan's but international gossip is just entertaining. Don't get me wrong or do *giggles* but truth be told every girl likes her some steamy gossip especially when it involves someone she either likes, fond of or doesn't like. Either way gossip makes you feel as though you are part of the story. Like I am glad I was alive to read, witness or hear that. 

This morning, I woke up feeling as though I drunk last night. Whatever it was all I know is that it left a bad taste in my mouth. Focus people, I don't drink but I feel like I was drunk as a fish and cursed like a sailor. I love Mondays. I just do because while everyone else is struggling with #MondayBlues  am as fresh as a daisy. In short my weekend was not all that. The one thing adding up to my misery is something I learnt about someone I had figured out. I was right. I know I should be throwing myself a party to celebrate my, "I knew it" but am not. Instead am siting here writing this so lost.

When you meet someone more selfless than you are it, not only humbles you but scares the living daylight out of you. You feel as though you are empty. Like you have nothing to offer. Someone ones asked what do you give someone who has it all?I knew the answer to this question way before they asked. I would be like it is simple, love. Yes you just offer them the one thing money cannot buy. Love is priceless. It is not demanding or forced. It is both natural and calming. It is assuring. I have just learnt that Chris Brown is single again *not even going to act surprised* but I will tell you this
 though what he said or rather wrote left me speechless. It is as if he took the words right out of my head and wrote them. This is what he wrote, “We've got scars, some of them u gave me, some of them I've caused". This just confirmed to me that he is not only owning up to being part of the reason they broke up but accepting that it took the two of them for it not to work. what he wrote next just ...I don't even have words....just read it for yourselves ....,“That ride or die act we have been fooling the world with obviously ain't working". Goodness gracious. That right there is a bullet to the heart. Bulls eye. Jackpot. Bang!Bang! The end. Fin. That is a wrap people. And Cut. I feel like the director just wrapped everything up , the set has been cleared and you are just there waiting for the next scene only you were just watching the movie. Neither the actress nor the staring just a fan. 

Shit just got real.When a lady ends things people tend to sympathize but when a man ends a relationship and releases such a statement well not really a statement but when he uses such well sort out words like ACT , FOOLING THE WORLD and OBVIOUSLY . Those ladies are words that no man in your life should ever utter as far as your relationship is concerned. He just crucified you. No there is no come back. No t even the he cheated or you were never there for me card will help you. I always say women are good but men are the real puppet masters. Whatever you think you can do to a man, always know that they are two steps ahead. The only way you can win with a man is and this I will emphasize , is if he is inlove with you. Get me right not loves you but is monkey about you. Madly inlove with you and for that to happen you will need more than a bandage body hugging dress, with six inch heels , full make up on, body of goddess , face of an angel kind of twist to you. From what I have gathered considering am just a lady, when a man fall inlove with a lady, he sees past her bullshit. What Chris termed as your ACT. That I don't drink pretense, pre-virgin talk most women pull to get a mans attention. I have to hand it to you ladies who are so calculative, bravo. You always get your way regardless of who you hurt along the way. Congratulations. But just wait, don't pop that champagne just yet, because while they are busy bragging of how they got the man, they always mess up. I don't know how but they always do. I have witnessed so many 'go getters' get got well for those of you perfectionists get caught.

While you digest that , let me feast my eyes out on another juicy gossip. Until then don't get caught or should I say Checkmate!

Foolishness

That is what am struggling with at the moment. I am too let going if there is anything of that sort. I am never the clinger but always the one willing to let it go ...let it all go down the drain....pure foolishness. Please ladies, don't be like me. Gentlemen who have had to deal with my kind I apologize. We are used to doing things our way. No we never compromise. We never second guess our actions. We always stick to what we say and mean what we say. So if I am not talking to you, I not only have good reason not to but evidence incase (we are always prepared) you think of denying anything.

Ofcourse I don't want you talking to her because she is the enemy.A little immature but you get where I am coming from. If am not friends with them, you shouldn't be as well.Case closed. I have to admit it comes off as jealously but ain't no body got time to be jealous over that really. One thing am thankful for is that I really can camouflage. It's a gift that I so often use when I don't feel like blending in.

Back to my self made foolishness. I am working on it.Fine am lying am not working on it. I like the fact that I can be myself without having to offend anyone. It's Friday so am not in a mood to write leave alone think. But all I can advise you is not to jump into conclusions. Unlike myself think first not fast. Take the time to get your facts rights before jumping the gun. Sober up

payback

Looks like my baby steps are beginning to pay off. No I have not received any offers to write an article for any magazine yet but I have made progress in the most impressive way. 300 plus page viewers my, now that is what a Christmas miracle. Who are all these people? Or is it the same person with different accounts? My ultimate dream or goal is have my own show as a radio presenter in one of Kenya's leading radio stations. What would I major in, mainly relationships.Boring I know but to me that is music to my ears. Everytime people ask me for relationship advise I feel as though they are making love to my ear drums. That is beyond sexy, it is an art. An art I know I am good at.

Like a player, I know what to say, when to say, how to say it and know what kind of outcome will follow.For someone who wanted to take up therapy/ couples therapy as a full time job, I am not only a good listener but a blessed talker. I have a way with words. Wait am I advertising myself here *laughs*. Let's just say as a little girl I knew what I wanted to be. I just wanted to grow up. I can do a little bit of anything legal incase some government spy is reading this. Anything legal yes given the chance, I think I can hack ops I mean crack ..oh boy ...I mean I can learn. 

Back to 300 and no am not talking about the movie. It is not what I write that I care about but what comes to mind when you are reading this that matters to me. Oh yes your opinions matter though you hardly put them across but hey, am still here writing and waiting for the first time I will get my first comment. Will I be offended or be a lady and ignore it. I am still working on that in my mind. 

Thank you all. If I were wealthy and famous, I would fly you all to Las Vegas for the weekend but since am just a lady with big dreams and a kind heart, I will just use what I have. My words. I do not take it for granted hat you take the time to read this so thank you amazing page viewers but in my case you are my reality checkmates.

Selflessness

I am one second away from betraying myself. Have you ever met someone you never thought would mean so much to you.He is not even what you go for so you keep telling yourself just to talk yourself out of it. I have no control whatsoever and by that I mean I can't help but miss him even though I will never show it. Oh yes, we too have pride.

I am kinda having one of this.I am as stubborn as a mule when it comes to the matters of the heart and not just with anybody but the ones you just can't explain how they became important in the first place. My head and heart had a pact to stay together but it looks like my heart has betrayed my brain and now I can't think straight. I am having an internal war with myself one that I think my brain will loose. How do you compete with the heart?




Something my friend told me just left me speechless. If you love someone or something then let it go but if it comes back or finds its way back to you then you know it was meant to be. I wanted to burst out laughing I really did but I didn't. I was a firm believer in all these beautiful sayings until reality checked in and I became like everyone else and started doubting. I know a thing about denial. I have been in a relationship with denial and cheated on the truth with it as well.I guess when you assume or make yourself believe that nothing good ever comes out of a good deed it is easier not to be disappointed than always having to go out of your way for lif to mess you up.That is just but one of my many opinions. 

All I know as far as selflessness goes is that it always has a way of favoring you. I guess that is why when someone or something is meant to be others see it as well and are always the ones making a fuss about it while you just sit there , laugh and shake your head.It is not as exciting as you anticipated it to be not because it is not what you wanted but simply because it took too long to get there so you learnt to be patient if not open of the possibility that it can as well leave. 

Selflessness to me means you want it but for the sake of the other party you are willing to suffer through the process of loosing it. You loose that fight but in real sense you end up winning the war even though you are all alone, atleast you know you did everything you could. There is that sudden look everyman has whenever they are not ready to settle down and by settling down it doesn't necessarily mean marriage. That I want to be with other women look. Let me go out there and see if there is another version of you. As a proper lady the only thing you can do is let him go. Note that I used the term proper. Making him stay is another option but if you truly want the best for each other you have to be willing to give him what he wants. By doing that you are giving yourself the chance to discover yourself as well. Two things will happen well actually five things will happen. He will go and never come back. He will go do 'his thing' realize that he has outgrown that phase in his life and come back. You will take him back. You will have met someone along the way and moved on. Both of you will agree that it was the best thing that ever happened to the both of you, moving on that is.

Think about it, you could be holding on to someone else's happiness and in the process denying yourself the opportunity to be loved the way you truly deserve. In robbing him, you are only robbing yourself.






 



Happy December....Holidays

thanksgiving

So Today being 2nd December 2014 makes you wonder what the heck you did with your life for the past eleven months. Lets not even go down memory lane because things are bound to get "fugly" way beyond ugly. We have had good time and bad.But the big question is what do you plan to do about it? Maintain it or watch your hard work go down the drain perhaps? That reminds me since we ' you and I ' did not get the chance to have a thanks giving dinner why not hold it here?So, what are you thankful for this Morning?It is only right as the 'host' I break the ice. 

I am thankful first and foremost to be alive. To me what that says is that I have yet another chance to make things right.Those that I can anyway. Gone are the days I act like cat woman yet come off as wonder woman though in real sense am just another woman. See what I did there? I would like to take this opportunity to thank my one true and greatest love of all for always being there even though I have never seen his face but he has always come through for me even when I did not deserve it. Thank you God. Thank you for your unconditional love and undivided attention as far as my never ending concerns go. I know am a handful but we make such a beautiful team where I always mess up and you come clean it up. I may not be loyalty but you always make me feel like I am one at the end of each day both directly and indirectly.I have heard you have a sense of humor of which somehow this year, I have witnessed that. Good one God.

I am thankful for my family. Lord knows you never choose your family but am glad he fixed me with these crazy bunch.They are simply bonkers but not just any bonkers but my cup of tea shenanigans.I love you people.I am thankful for my best friend who to be honest was just a mere stranger years ago.Thank you for being honest though at times brutal *in a good way of-course* you have not allowed the world change you.Instead you are changing the world with your wit, humility, talents and love. You are a master piece princess and I thank God twice for you. You have earned my undying loyalty, trust and friendship.This is the one lady who if I were to kick the bucket I would leave her my heart incase she even needs a transplant and entrust her with my one true love. I am sure he would be in capable hands.

I am thankful for everyone else who thinks am a waste of time.The people who have belittled my efforts and not taken hid of my words.Thank you for all the foolishness you have tried to throw my way, the shade you wear all to beautifully and most of all I applaud your sheer madness.I am glad I walked away when you expected me to sit there and for you to bury me with your absurd illiteracy. Thanks to all of you I have learnt to be my own biggest fan I have learnt that if I wasn't as important you wouldn't waste all your energy trying to bring me down.Thank you for seeing something greater in me than I actually saw. I owe you so much but for know I will repay you all with kindness then eventually make you eat your hearts out when I become a legend in this country. I am not striving for success but rather greatness. I just don't want people to say I lived but holy crap that lady was something else.

I am thankful for my past , now and my future. I toast to what is yet to come. May I handle the good and the ugly. May I balance responsibility with a twist of class and sheer madness. May I make a difference in people's lives not enough to be celebrated but just enough for them to change their lives around. May my character and personality always be a constant reminder of who I truly am.

So, what are you thankful for?

Still

My heart is pounding as I write this. Still I wait. For the day all this will make sense. Still I hope that this is not in vain.Still I believe that no matter what nothing I ever do will stop me from becoming the Lord had me become. Still I look beyond now, today that tomorrow holds a new day, promise and opportunity to if not make me better, better someone else. Still I hold on to the memories I have made this year. They have molded me into becoming the lady I am today. Some good and some well not all that good. Still I choose. I am filled with choices that will make or break me but being torn in-between is not an option. Still that is how I want to be. Very still in the midst of the unknown and this life.

Still I wonder if I will ever make a difference or leave a mark behind.Still I smile even though just a minute ago I had just broken down.Still I pray even though things only seem to move from bad to worse. Still I encourage even though am mocked.Still I go out of my way even though no one takes the time to return the favor. Still I run even though I should stay and fight. Still I give thanks even though I have nothing to be thankful for....there is always something to be thankful for. Still I dream even though I know it is a waste of time. Still I pretend that I am okay even though I am not. Still I wonder not because I can but simply because I want to. Still I loose even though I gave it my all. Still I hide behind these four walls when I can walk out and experience the light. Still I continue to learn from my mistakes, others and whatever else life throws my way.

Still I question myself in the hope of finding answers. Still I investigate whenever things don't add up. Still I curse using foul language because at times it expresses how I feel about a certain situation and person. Still I sit here as a routine expecting different results. Still I struggle feeling as though no one understands or has gone through what I am going through. Still I deny that am better than I give myself credit for. Still I try to fit in not by indulging in the very same things that they do, but just to have a sense of belonging. Still I am in my own little world. Still I imagine myself years from now. Still I grow at times I embrace yet while the rest of the time I resent it. Still I mature in a way I feel as though am like that fine wine awaiting the right occasion for them to come 'taste' me.

Still I steal. Still I continue to borrow. Still I complain. Still I forget .Still I remember. Still I postpone.Still I wallow .Still I embrace. Still am loyal. Still I am faithful. Still I am trustworthy. Still I am stubborn. Still I forgive. Still I continue to love myself and others.Still I predict. Still I write. Still I breakdown......



 




I am still human.










That is just me. What about you,what still are running in your life?

How To Score On A First Date

I have just been challenged by a certain gentleman to write about this so Sir, consider this my challenge accepted speech (blog). I dread first dates reason being I always have high expectations so hopefully from my own opinion humble or not this is my take on a proper first date.

Look good.I am not expecting you to pull a tuxedo on your way to a date at a common joint. Be realistic and take her where you are comfortable. The most expensive outfit you can pull together and never goes wrong is self confidence.Be yourself. Don't try and win her over only to leave her scared of your indecent approach. Stick to what you know. Don't dismiss her by her looks. Please I know with men it is all about the visual look but please just give her the benefit of a doubt. Most of us ladies, am talking about myself here where I tend to dress down on a first date reason being it's a test to see if he is indeed a gentleman or just a wolf in sheep clothing.

If you want her to think of the next time she is going to spend some alone time with you again two keys things to note down gentlemen. Be spontaneous and don't be obvious.What do I mean by this, this being the modern dating world she expects either a hug or kiss at the end of the date.Be different as much as I know you want to lean over and plant a wet one on her or squeeze her small waist towards your masculine self, control yourself.Wait until she gets home then call her.You don't want her thinking you weren't impressed but rather that you are indeed a proper gentleman.You care enough to want to hear from her again so by calling and not texting it shows that you enjoyed the date.The reason why I would advise any man not to make the first move unless she wants you to by slowly staring into you eyes and lips acting all girlie then that is your queue to give her the best kiss she has been anticipating from you or hugging you too tight and not wanting to let you go is because as the saying goes easy come easy go. You don't want to loose the chemistry by moving too fast.

If you are going for the ultimate 'kill' like having her fall for you on the first date, go the extra mile.Be romantic.Show her a side of you even you never show your boys.Gentlemen by you not being your usual 'badboy' don't mean she will find you a sissy thus friend zoning you.Listen if you want to be with a real woman then you have to be willing to step up and be the exceptional man. You only have this one night to either blow her mind into thinking," where have you been all my life" or "eww I knew he was a jerk all along". Whether you treat her right or not, be sure she will consult with her girlfriend. Let me let you in on a little secret all the friend wants to hear is that she had the time of her life with a good man. She approved in the first place why do you think she agreed to go out with you?

The little things to a woman matter.The little silly yet aww gestures melts even the hardest of hearts.Bringing her a rose on a date, holding her hand while you walk her home, making eye contact while she tells you about herself and smiling /laughing at her jokes or making her laugh, opening the door, pulling out a chair while at the restaurant, paying attention to details like when she shy's away when you complement her...all these small things to a woman well to someone like me, really matter. A man with a sense of humor is a turn on.He makes it easier to open up to than a man who looks like it was either going out with you or going to prison.Clearly prison wold have been a better choice.


 Most importantly acknowledging that she is different from the ladies you have met not only leaves her feeling special but assures her that you are special.

Kiss Ass

Until when will you keep bending over and licking people's behind clean? Don't you value yourself wait wrong question so for how long will you continue to be a honey sucker? Yes, your actions are that disgusting. Like don't you ever get tired? Is it that good down there that all you ever think about when you wake up is ass? I hope you are irritated reading this as I am watching this poor lady bend over to kiss another lady's behind just to be in her good books. What books? She is using you to get information and afterwards will like the animal kingdom turn against you and tear you into pieces. Don't you get it, the difference between you and toilet paper is that atleast it is soft. Oh, come on, stop it already.

You poor man who has reduced what was left of your manhood to not only massage the nuts of your fellow species but suck them dry.Goodness, how low can you go? wait lower ....heavens!I know you owe the man and probably your life but not literally you know.He can't have two lives you know. He had your back when no one else left blah blah blah ...okay did you not thank him a gazillion times already?Did you not make it up to him?Lowering your self worth for a fellow human being is not what God had in mind when he said be grateful. There is selflessness and goddamnit man up. Like get your shit together.You owe sure but not like that.

Be your own master. Sure we all have to answer to someone at the end of the day but atleast without the feeling guilt part. Whatever happened to trying ....giving it you best shot....not backing down until the task is done. What are we going to prove that indeed by being African we have to be primitive enough to act like baboons? You are right am mad.Mad at these weaklings. Get over it already. Move on. So what they don't like you? That is not the end of the world. At this point in your life they may seem like your everything but I kid you not when I assure you just like you can barely recall the last time you tried to pull a left eye/Nelly patch they too shall be history.You will look back and laugh your heart out.True story.

Ask yourself this, if they are so awesome why do they need you in their lives? If they are so cool and popular why are they so insecure that they need an extra 'eye' to keep an 'eye' on what they assume is theirs?I will tell you why, they are insecure first of all of you. Yes, you are a threat you just don't know it yet. So they have applied the keep your friends close but your enemies closer card on you. Shame on you for being obvious bait. Second of all they are insecure so they need the extra set of eyes to keep them on the know how while they are away working on plan C....be sure you are plan T....terminate ...as soon as they are fed up of your boring shenanigans. 

From my research and observations, why is it that they only invite you when it's convenient ...when they need the extra distraction? I hope someone  who is going through this phase is reading this and is about to set this blog on fire. Welcome to reality.You have been a blind bat for way too long now get up and start living your life...for you.When was the last time you did something for yourself? When did it stop being about you and became all about her/him?Forget where you went wrong and start thinking of how you will make it right with yourself. You already messed everyone else and have no chance of surviving on your own.Yes you did. I am here not to babysit you or help you be in further denial but help you realize where you went wrong and make what is left right.Atleast for you to have clear conscious in December and make a fresh start come 2015.

You are your own boss.Do the right thing. Be a good kisser on the lips or anywhere else on someone else's body but not the Ass.

Things That Have To Go .....

It breaks my heart everytime I witness someone struggle with an insecurity. I know it comes with the human package so whether you like it or not even the people who appear to own it all can not disown this one bad habit. It hurts more when it comes from people you care about and in most cases these are the very same people who have extra ordinary personalities ..they are the kind to comment leaving you all,"ok who says that". Yes, they are that good.

As a lady, sorry gentlemen I can't even discuss leave alone act like I know what you all struggle with or from but from a lady's perspective boy are you all in for a rude shock ...the ugly female truth ...reality.We have weight issues. Yes, I said it. Some of us want it on and others off bottom line being we all want to look as amazing as we feel.Have curves in all the right places and have men drool.We have height issues. Don't even try and deny it ladies ...some of you wish you had some extra height not that you are terribly short but there is something about men and long legs (ladies with long legs). Well, the ladies with 'never ending legs' wish at some point were short.Just to get away with dressing abit dangerously you know.Plus do you know how hard it is to find leave alone date a man taller than 5.9?

The mother of all struggles ...the number one insecurity.....drum rolls please......skin color. This has been, still is and will forever be an issue as far as the female species goes. The extremely light and extremely dark will never see eye to eye reason being they have egos longer than the great wall of china. The rest of us in betweeners do try to get along although it is never that easy. That is where we reach a friend-enemy compromise. Sure we will hug it out in public but as soon as you turn or leave best believe I will the one throwing the B word at you ....*Bitch* . That is how gentlemen we have survived. It has nothing to do with am jealous of her or feel as though am better than her it just is what it is.We will never get along.

Back to the main issue insecurities.I have come to a conclusion and a principle am applying in my life.I will never be her, never understand what others see in her that I don't and she and I will never toast to anything in life but I can live my life my way. If men choose to go for another overlooking you no worries, I will move on. If they think she is cooler than I am, again that is their opinion and not the opinion of the rest of the male kingdom so fine by me.If he compares me to her now that is a red flag.That is where I draw the line.I refuse to be subjected to looks as opposed to my actions.I know who I am and what I am capable of so if the people I hang out with don't see that, clearly I am not the problem, they are. So change it.

Listen here ladies with extra beauty (weight) forget hitting the gym just to rock that bikini.Time is of the essence and I guarantee you the minute you become a size zero your mentality will still be of a plus size.So don't change your weight, change your thoughts. Heck you want to swim, screw the models in the rooms , knock yourself out.Either way you swim or not they will laugh and talk behind your back. You know what happens when you face your bullies they back off.They will eventually let you be.Ladies of the wild, ladies of the jungle , my tall sisters, do not be ashamed of the one strength gave you to stand out. Don't rock flat shoes just to see if you can fit in. Stand out and rock that mini skirt even though those predators claim your place in the society is in the convent rocking those robes.

Bottom line is ladies, don't expect a man to come complement you while as all you see in the mirror is ugly with a capital U. You have made it this far so cancel out those 2015 resolutions and draft a new attitude for December better yet today. Garbage in garbage out ...if they don't celebrate you don't tolerate them as well. It takes two to tangle so grab you best feature and dance out your insecurities.While you are busy beating yourself down, time is running out and so are people with the patience to hear you complain time and again that you are not good enough. No one ever is so stop watching people live and live and allow those who don't belong in your life leave.

Things that have to go .......enough said!

261 postviewers

Truly humbled that all 261 of you at some point either go through my blogs or wait patiently for me to share my shenanigans. Please do feel free to comment for us to interact. Like I always say writing is my therapy and if any of my posts have helped you in a way I would sure love to hear from you.Know your thoughts and know how to go about it. Know where I need to calm done or work on. As far as my grammar goes please don't expect me to be someone I am not. I just write what I am either experiencing or thinking at the moment.





I am taking this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you beautiful and handsome darlings who have been nothing short of awesome.You matter to me anyway not for me to be popular to be honest I have always been the type to shy away but atleast my writing makes sense to me and on realizing that someone has been going through my words, I feel honored like in some way that is your way of letting me know that I too matter. Thank you.

Always and forever!!!!!!

It's none of my business

Lately I have been troubling myself with thoughts that are really not all that serious or worth the trouble. At times you just have to realize that the less you mind others the more you rediscover yourself.

It's not that deep even though it keeps lingering in my mind time and again. If it is beyond me then that right there my friends is a sign that it is none of my business. 

Self gained ulcers are a waste of not only finances but time. That should be my December resolution. As a thanks giving gift to myself that you know what it's none of my business. I am minding my own one at a time and what I can't I allow the almighty do his thing. You know what self, Christ has this so relax. Work on this blog and see how it goes...am think blogging ... Thinking and blogging at the same time. 

At times I just want to copy paste good stuff from great articles but that would mean am a fake person. I have splendid ideas but putting them across can be a tick on a cow. 

So this Thursday morning ladies and gentlemen lets mind each to his/her own and see how the thirst unfolds. 

Bear hugs and butterflies kisses

Relax..... 


Darling...........

What is wrong with today's man?

At this rate these men got me wishing that I was born back in the day when it was just about man and God.Sure there was war but it was never about fighting over a woman or men having unrealistic demands.That would make me worse than these type of me generalizing them, so I wont. There are gentlemen out there ladies so before you throw in the towel and reconsider crossing over to the other side ...loving women ...wait just a moment. I know these sad kind of men who have robbed you of what used to be the cool,confident and independent you but who says they have to have the last laugh?That was just but their shallow opinions but then again you have the final say as to who can and can not influence you.Don't you think you have taken this too far?Young lady it is time to claim back you life.Guess what they are still living their lives and loudly just so it sinks in how they were quick to forget that they were the reason you walk around with a bad attitude, mad at the world and bitter than bile.

Goodness who broke your hearts so bad that you think every good woman has to pay?Why is it that these men are transferring their negative energy on innocent woman who are just but genuinely themselves. We don't even want to know who they are or meet them in person considering they did a good job in clouding your judgement about all women. Sad but true. So now apparently these hypocritical men have a type. By these I mean the kind that is quick dismiss a lady based on if she is what he goes for. Get this they want,"A lady with a light complexion, yellow if possible .. with curves in all the right places ...perfect set of breasts ... a small waist...hips that swing and sway as they walk and a behind so beautiful and well built it will leave him thinking he is living in a dream ...long well maintained hair...a beautiful smile with a white set of teeth all in their places ..legs that are not too long or short thin or fat but perfect with matching toe nails well maintained.She should neither be short or long but just in between and dumb." Yes, ladies and the rest of you good men out there, they want the perfect 'trophy' to fit in his 'perfect' life with his 'perfect' friends.the kind that will earn him respect.

If you are tall ...a model....ladies you need to do something about it. Like with all due respect what in the world am I supposed to do, get implants to reduce my God given height or if am dark should I bleach myself just to get a halo? Are these kind of men worth it, never.Ladies,
while you are busy trying to fit in this man's delusion, he will indeed settle down with a version of who you used to be.No matter how appealing these men tend to be and I kid you not they are like little demons, they know what to say, when to say it and even how to say it.They are just too good to be true. Be aware!

Unless you want to cover up a scar that has lowered your self esteem please ladies, don't change anything about yourselves for these for now men. He is thrilled by anything and everything that appears appealing to him for now until he eventually matures up and wants nothing to do with the old him or so he claims. The same way a woman is quick to change her mind, is the same way these men will pass this phase. I believe it is a phase ..it has to be ...Be contented with who you are and the right man will applaud your efforts of simply being you.

Waking up to sad news is the worst feeling in the world.But like I always console myself, it was fun and there was a reason the person was in your life in the first place.It may not make sense now or ever considering how the situation ends but at one point you knew they were worth meeting you. Atleast I hope they were.I always say it is only too late when the person dies so if that is not the case know at some point in life you will run/bump into them again.

I heard information is power but damn it I did not need this much information.I am too overwhelmed at the moment to digest each and every word uttered. All of a sudden I feel as though none of this is real.Am I living in a dream.Do you mind waking me up and returning me to already has been.I knew I was onto something on my own but when life serves you a reality check, you become numb.No more please.What you don't know wont hurt you but now there is no turning back.One wrong word changed everything and I don't know about other females but for me that is a point of no return.Done!

Things will never be the same again.Ever.The worst mistake any man can ever do is treat a good woman like a side chic. Even worse not apologize but buy his way out. For those of us blessed with jobs I assure you gentlemen that to us rings an alarm that something is wrong. Why are you trying so hard to get me the one thing you know I want? I wish men were just honest. Mature enough to sit us down and tell it like it is. Sure it will sting and hurt like crap but in the end we will end up respecting you instead of finding out on our own or being offered the information by your bestfriend. That leaves a scar. 

Scandal to me right about now feels like reality as opposed to a series. A series of lies.The worst stage any woman can ever be driven to by any man is the doubting stage. If she doubts you she will never trust you ever again meaning chances of the two of you ever being friends again are probably never. You have just earned yourself the silence card. The to me you don't exist zone.Nothing you ever do or say will ever matter.It is worse than being in the enemy zone.

Why can't we all just be honest?You can't handle the truth that is why. You are right because I will use the truth as a woman to punish and get even with you.

You are a fool

To all those men out there who treat women as if they are garbage, you lack integrity, primitive and deserve a place in the wild with the rest of the animals. Who do you think you are making that lady second guess herself just because she doesn't fit you delusional picture? 

If only you were taller or shorter, lighter or darker, a bit curvy or a slender who died and made you God to judge women over things they cannot change? Take a good and long look in the mirror before trying to fix the masterpiece God formed and said,"It is good". Sadly I change my skin complexion or physical appearance to try and fit in your broke world. By broke I mean a life so hollow, shallow and with no character. 

Unfortunately the same lady you are busy making fun of is the very same lady years later you will need to approve a business deal. Life is full of surprises so be very careful how you treat people who tend not to be what you expect them to become.

If you laughing, making fun or bullying me will force God change my situation around and bless me then don't just sit there get right to it. Make me feel as though am worthless. I don't believe in revenge but as karma would have it what you give is what you receive so enjoy my downfall and please ensure I stay down long enough before I get to hear of your unhappily ever after.

Ladies, I beg you do not allow such wastes influence your own opinion about yourself. The right man will love you unconditionally flaws and all. You don't to change anything about you.Just work on being the best you can be and allow life unfold all on its own. The art of time. You may not see it yet but one day you will thank yourself for reading this and using it to finally walk out of that abusive relationship.

Truly, you are a fool if you think you deserve anything less than what life has to offer. 

There are two types of men as far as I am concerned the kind you can read in between the lines and the kind am dealing with at the moment.The stubborn, arrogant and un submissive type. I don't know why but the mystery behind all this act thrills me.Truth be told. The more predictable he becomes the less I am interested. I like a man who is all man not that you the reader (gentlemen) are not.A man who keeps me on my toes is worth any consequences.The type that doesn't demand but expects by the way he handles you.He lets me know am his priority although he is still incharge. The type that understands that backing down is not an option.He has to get my full attention.Jealous when am with other men even though he knows they are just friends but composed enough to punish me with his extra attention.

The gentleman kind of man that you can predict his next move is good.Good from far but far from good.He starts off like the kind who wants to settle down.The kind everyone approves of but deep down you know he is putting on an act. He has everyone eating out of his hands with his kind gestures, the kind to 'wait' until you are ready only to realize he was indeed a male prostitute. Yes, he has been everywhere but not with you.You never saw it coming because he had mastered his craft. He was always there or was he? Physically yes...emotionally yes...financially yes ..but what about mentally did you even linger leave alone register in his mind?That is where most women go wrong and end up blaming themselves when he leaves. He got you feeling like you could have done more.what more if I may ask?

The men who always tend to rub you off from the very first encounter end up being the best lovers and friends.Blame it on watching too man movies but somehow it is true.Even though he might not be the 'one' he will always hold a place in your heart.You never forget such men...ever!He ends up surprising you in ways you never would have imagined....they sweep you off your feet and leave you want more.The get the one thing these other 'average looking Joe's " never find ...your heart.

How old are you?

How old am I?I don't know old enough to knock some senses into your thick skull or just knock you out.So how is that for an answer?Forget the fact that most if not all men at one point ask you this which is not annoying but when a lady asks he unless she is either my banker , therapist, lawyer or doctor, this does nothing for me. Is it that you are concerned of how old I am or asking that to annoy me. Most shallow and by shallow am sure someone somewhere agrees with me that such a question is irrelevant. Asking me just to make yourself feel younger and more accomplished be it at work or at a social gathering proves to me that I was right about you all along. No wonder I have never liked you.Anyway, good luck trying to pull the forever super sweet sixteen look grandma. Have you ever noticed that most ladies who tend to ask this are usually the ones who are insecure and old looking. Like seriously you are twenty one perhaps your ego is that long but not your face honey.Go easy on the make up...it should highlight your features not leave you looking like you are the face of Halloween in January. Trick or treat clearly to all of us who have met you it was a delightful trick.

To all the mother-in-laws and nagging relatives, get a hobby and quit picking on good ladies who bring more to the table than you often give them credit for.I know you wish you son was dating a hot Brazilian model with an Ethiopian face and a waist of that of a nail.Darling the apple doesn't fall far from the tree so unless you are a perfect example don't cloud your mind with thinking you know what is best for he. He is a grown man if not he wouldn't be having sex or let me guess you are always a speed dial away from guiding him on how to get his love on. Seriously though I plan on being a mother one day and I pray am not the monster-in-law kind. Whatever makes my children happy, I will respect it even though their spouse will have to prove to me that they are there for all the right reasons.Like that is something I expect and will respect from any mother wanting the best for her son but not dictating who she thinks is the best for him. Listen, you can't live your life and live your childrens lives as well.You might end up either messing up or loosing out on both. 

Finally,quit meddling in my life. I love you but don't get it twisted I will kick you to the curb even though we are related. If I don't insist on knowing everything about you then I expect the same respect.I get that you are concerned that I am not getting any younger but that will only lead me to getting into a meaningless relationship  just to get you off my back.That wouldn't be fair to that man or myself. Just do you and trust that I can do me.If God didn't entrust me enough to be team me, am sure he would have made things different so why are you trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing? If men grew on trees I would be gladly pluck one and take him home or cut a branch and go some  but it is not.

It is only frustrating when people make you their business yet their lives are far from being better. Don't use me as an excuse for why things are not working out for you.Since I can't disrespect you by telling you even though it is the right thing to do, I will leave it here for you to read and re-read it over and over again until you realize that age is just but a number.I maybe thirty five and immature or twelve and mature.Bottom line is life is not a respecter of age so why are you trying to define me by how old I am?

Then next time you ask ,"how old are you?" I will gladly respond old enough to do me

If it were not for the internet you would be reading a mind blowing blog about what is currently going through my mind but oh well, that is for another day.I should have saved it on word but when you are working on something juicy the last thing on your mind is saving it.You just want it all out immediately kinda like serving it while it is still hot.

How to get my passion back?Don't get me wrong now but there is nothing exciting about reliving old flames again. To those of you who keep assuming if I had to do it all over again like literally I assure you you would mess up big time. Even if given the chance to relive yesterday, I guarantee you that not only would you make the same mistakes but relive it worse.Which got me thinking if I were to wake up as a socialite, that very same night I would be pronounced dead.Think about it.I am not accustomed to that kind of life style, not judging by the way but I would over do everything. I would drink, smoke, inject and do all sorts of fun filled live in the moment shenanigans.To compensate for the various times I wished I already had such ...money and fun.

Dating or going on a date...wait back up ....accepting an invitation to go out on a day in itself is already a big deal.It feels like a full time job.I job I wouldn't wish upon my very worst enemy .... or maybe I would just to amuse myself. Listen, if you aren't a sadist as far as people you don't like goes, congratulations you are their dart board. Everything negative and bad they always blame it on you and even worse even though life doesn't look up for them atleast they have you to laugh about. True story so quit living in a bubble.Where was I?Oooooooh dating. Goodness even the name itself leaves a bad taste in my mouth.Cable lies alot.They make you believe that there are plenty of fish  out there well to be honest only the odd looking fellas are left in that wagon.No offense but it kinda seems so. All the fine looking brothers are happily married, flashing their wedding bands like you were too little to late.Damn you! Let's not be selfish here, lets not forget gay men are trying to fight for their rights.With all due respect, it's not enough I have to compete with a gazillion other ladies out there young, my age , older and now men ...oh please sit down he-she.

The fear of going on a blind date especially when the two of you have been chatting is how this person truly looks like.Is he as handsome as he comes off across.Does his character match up his enticing words or was he copy pasting this entire conversation? You look nothing like the man I imagined or should I blame it all on my mind? Is this where you get to throw the you had high expectations card?

Certain things that really bother well irritate the skin out of me.Asking me the same old boring questions like how have you been?Where do you live?Do you have more pictures?Are you on Instagram?Can we hook up on the weekend? Seriously gentlemen you better come up with something interesting from what you have already gathered about me not using the same 'get her' game.Understand this with each lady comes a different game plan.Someone of us..well myself, I have mastered a thing or two so avoid the above DON'TS. Like what part of being private don't you get.If there is anything to tell I will but until then don't push it.Most men tend to do that, well I have observed.Trying to rush everything or getting to know her in a day. Take your time. Do your back ground check on her. After all that is why you chase besides what fun would it be if I gave you all the information?

Give me something to be passionate about and I will by all means submit.

Darling,

I have always wanted to write a romantic novel. A book entailing everything I have had to go through would be a best seller no doubt but for now am taking one step at a time....Jordin Sparks... I love music and as I write along you will understand well get the idea am desperately trying to put across.

Darling, while you were away, I tried to forget you.While you were miles away I convinced myself that what I felt for you was a crush that left the day you boarded that plane. Before you even left, I had already missed you.I wish I was lying just to get a smile on that handsome face but am not so instead I am hoping your heart skips a beat. I was mad and I still am...mad... both about and at you. How dare you linger in my mind as though my life without you has no meaning?How dare you just up and leave and say nothing?What am I supposed to do with all these feeling? What am I supposed to tell my heart? I want to bite, slap and kiss you all at the same time. Yes, you got me in a bitter sweet mood.

Nothing makes sense when you are not around. Nothing is hilarious anymore for sadly your annoying presence is not here. I don't miss you, I can never miss you, am not supposed to miss you, how can I miss you, goodness I miss you.If you ever ask me if I did I will deny it.I want to text but I can't, I want to call but it is not in my place, I want to write but am sure you will just make fun of me while laughing then dismiss it so instead I will 'blog it' hoping one day you will realize that I may not have told or shown it but at some point in my life, you mattered. 

I want to be the first person you see when you get back even though I wasn't the last person you saw when you left. My bestfriend always assures me that it is never a one woman or man show. Somehow am hoping she is right and that deep within that great wall of china (your heart) past your ego and pride you atleast cared.

I have drastically lost weight over thinking about you.It is not even healthy anymore.I need to pull myself together.How do I do it you may ask?I will tell you how, I always whisper to my heart that even though he may not be the man for me, a good man will find me the same way he found another.Selfless love is the worst.It has nothing to win if you ask me for in most cases it always looses.Growing up I always felt out of place.Like I did not belong and that no one would ever get me.I was not wrong. So the only way I could survive was being in my own little world. I did not rely on peoples opinions or advise for at the end of the day good or bad I was the one to suffer the consequences. 

Being a tomboy ...climbing trees instead of playing dress up or with dolls I wrestled with my brothers.....To date I still prefer comfort over fabulosity.  Not to contradict myself that I don't wear dresses or 6inch heels I do, I can even run in them all day long but I just like dressing up in baggy pants on the weekends, a torn t-shirt and rubber shoes be it converse or Bata rubbers.Having to put on make up feels like decorating a cake.It is already beautiful but what is with all the icing and sugar.Too much sugar if you ask me.Unless it involves an official or special occasion I look like your average plain Jane. I am easily dismissed for being a natural looking lady.

Most of my friends growing up were guys so at times I get why a man would feel like I am hard headed and stubborn.I am not easy to please for most men tend to apply the same game on me.Using their titles to get the girl which by the way gentlemen is a turn off to most of us genuine ladies.We go for the simple things like how you laugh at our jokes, notice the little things about us...To me it is not what you have to offer but the manner in which you are offering it.When you feel as though what you are offering is not enough shows rather proves just how insecure and vulnerable you are. 

So main squeeze while you were away, I did some thinking out loud.I am still the same old ridiculous me.Nothing has changed just that you weren't around to witness me being me. With or without you,life went by , still is going on and will continue to go on. Don't get me wrong you make me better but even on my own am good.So you see you do add value to my life.You matter and still will matter even though you cease to be in my life.I want the best for you so if by now it hasn't lingered in your mind that I have been your best kept secret just between you and yourself, I wish you nothing but happiness.

Welcome back, it may not be the arrival I was hoping for but atleast you are back safe and sound.The only gift I can give you are my kind words.Anytime you need a reality check, I promise to be blunt.

While you were away something deep inside me awakened and there is no turning back.I am glad you never said goodbye because at the back of my mind I know we will forever have a see you later. 

 Now am doing the one thing I like the most..... Just like music I can't tune you away or turn this feeling low enough 

Lost for words

There are certain situations you go through and go like now what? More or less the Riri song what now .... Forget the firm punch in the stomach am talking about you are left feeling like a neglected painting. Well hang on the wall yet no one  wants to stop by and just observe you.... figure you out... At the moment that is how I feel. 

Writing is my therapy. I am hardly in foul moods that is because am always thinking and thinking gets to me to write. Indeed my thoughts inspire me so you could say I am my own inspiration. 

How do you compete with facts? How do you defy your own heart? How do you  balance the brain to agree with the heart? My head is faced with reality yet my heart is lost in hope. Hanging on to heaven knows what.

The timing is wrong. The situation is complicated and the parties involved are too proud to admit that something is wrong. I am always prepared so I hate surprises altogether. Am never surprised in a good way rather always end up disappointed . Does anyone else relate? 

Right now I will believe just anything negative to justify the fact that am not willing to fight but walk away. Am looking for a way to out my thoughts without having to explain why or answer to anyone . Ofcourse am scared of being wrong. The old me would have imagined the situation away but you realize as you mature you don't postpone problems. You solve them head on then move on and life continues.

I don't want to grow up. I want to act like a teenager and have someone else take the blame for it. If that were the case I would not be here writing this. I am not immature leave alone irresponsible so incase anyone else is going through the same shenanigans well then this is what we will do. Nothing! Stay in your lane and if things decide to unfold let them so until then, you are stuck here with me ... for now anyway. 

If it is true then it will be beautiful if not get a shovel because things are about to get ugly. Feeling good and looking good won't be as a result of having a carrot and a glass of water. 

That bikini will not wear itself now will it? Time to eat and look fabulous 

😘

My very first

Allow me to laugh at myself because what I thought and what I got is sheer entertainment. I always lived in a bubble. If being a dreamer had a face I would be the ambassador no doubt. At a tender age I always knew that one day I would write. Nothing to do with politics or cooking although I can't get enough of my own cooking .... Self confidence people self assurance is the only thing you can reward yourself with for free. Well either that or criticism. 

I never read Nancy Drew books but romantic novels had a way of polishing up my literature. It's not in the way the author wrote the words but how he knew where to place each occurrence as I read along. How his hands .... Her heart throbbed in her throat ... How they both locked themselves in the barn and through their eyes made love without having to undress each other...did I mention it was raining .... It always rained *damn it* 

I knew when I wanted my first kiss and with whom. It happened so fast that I hardly had the time to get my moment to relive what I read years ago. All I can say though, is that he taught me well. To date I have mastered the art of it. Not because I have enrolled in a class but I have learnt the secret is in teaching each other with your spouse.

I was young, curious and immature then but now I want my first date to be perfect .I don't want anything fancy or extra expensive which will leave an echo in your bank account. This is how I view it. Since we are both working and mature why act like a bunch of morons trying to impress each other with layers of make up on on my side and a loan from yours just to make a statement. 

I have maintained myself this far so my problem is not how you will afford me but take over from me having to maintain myself. I want the date simple and meaningful. I just want him to go out of his way creatively and impress me in ways that don't involve money. 

My first date .... I just want it to be about you and me. To not talk about cliche things like where do you work ... Live ... Where you went to campus blah blah blah enough of that madness. Talk of things that will make me laugh. I promise to be myself. Hey I will even show up with a non padded bra *laughs* you know just to be real and myself. 

I want my first date to get you thinking damn she is not what I had in mind leave alone what I go for but I have to keep her in my life. Like seriously where has she been all my life? If that were to happen then to me I will have had a perfect first date where two mature strangers decided to be friends.

Simply me... Take it or leave it

I am not a writer or a professional blogger so don't expect perfection or words which will leave you speechless wondering to yourself ," am I that illiterate?" I am in a relationship with Google .... Not that I doubt myself but it's always safe to get a second opinion. 

I tell it like it is even though so many have taken this the wrong way but truth be told I am not responsible for what you hear but rather what I say. To an extent of them asking, " how are you even friends with her?" I will tell you how, by simply walking up to me and saying hi. Let me take it from there. 

While you are busy criticizing others, know that they are busy returning the favor by planning on how to see to it that you not only fail but remain a failure. You may be bad but there are worse and sadists out there. Note to self...NOTED!

I am always myself and that to me is more than enough. Like I always tell gentlemen, if by now my character and personality have not left you breathless indeed as much as I don't drink, a good make out session of heated passion won't change your mind of how you "view" me. If anything I will have lowered my self worth just to make it easier for you to realize am not worth it. 

If I have no intention of being in a serious relationship with you believe you me I will walk away. I always tell my best friend that I don't mind being the bigger man in any situation. Instead of picking a fight , I would rather go eat or work out ... like I said am ridiculous well ridiculously awesome.

If I like you, I will not hesitate to show my appreciation and loyalty. If I don't like you professionally I will be on my best behavior to not stoop to your level but rather make you come to my level. You may not like me but you will respect me regardless ... Oh I will be sure to give you something to respect me over.

If I don't like you, I will not even make eye contact. To me you simply don't exist. so why waste my perfect vision on a wall while I can admire a gentleman in a suit? Female drama rubs me off in all the wrong ways.so I avoid them all together but if need be well... am always in it to win until the very end.

I am everything you think I am. A fool when inlove, overprotective, obsessed with achieving goals and targets, ambitious, a lady, a tomboy anything you name it. Depending on who is asking I always play along but never allow a situation define who I truly am. 

The one thing that people don't ever get a chance to know about me is that am very spiritual. My relationship with God always comes first. He is my everything for everything I have is his. I am simple yet sophisticated in my own unique way. 

Each lady is special in her own beautiful way so the thought of generalizing me as "you women" has and will never sit well with me. 

 

I don't expect much other than the very same thing I give out. I am simply me so take it or leave it.

Christmas miracle

That is all am waiting for, a Christmas miracle. When you have done all you can then the only thing left to do is surrender. Let it go.... Let things be. All you can do is just wait for an intervention but in my case I prefer a miracle. 

I was watching the ultimate gift movie and it hit me, that is how I have made it this far. By getting rid of all my cheerleaders and prioritizing my true friends. I get that am not the smartest person in the room but with the company of people who bring out the best of me, I end being better than I short saw myself. 

I can't say my inspiration is gone but when you see the only person who made your days on earth less annoying it kinda feels like a kick in the behind. I don't even want to over think the situation because as a lady am allowed to not only change my mind but over think things that just should be left alone. But that only happens when we seek the truth... Answers!!!!

I don't want designer shoes, outfits or bags. I don't really care about the festive feast. I don't want to attend the Christmas Eve in church acting like am so thankful yet deep down I feel like yet again decades later God you made me wait just to spend Christmas alone. Well not alone alone but you get what I mean .

I am just holding my last 2014 breath for a Christmas miracle. I don't want a special delivery from the North Pole heck am in Nairobi Kenya can Santa clause even trace that down? As for what I want am sure the world can wait for I have been extra good this year so I deserve all the best things life has to offer humanity . 

My exceptions and reality are two different things so all I wish...hope for.... is change. Just a simple difference from what people term as "kawaida" . Am done with the routine .... 

Roll in the next month please ....🎄🎁