#MyMagazineThoughts

#MyMagazineThoughts

I like the sound of that. My magazine thoughts. I am not sure if I want to start another blog or start selling my ideas, all I know it sounds magazine worthy.

When you fall inlove, you don’t use sophisticated vocabulary to express yourself. You use words from the heart like I miss you. I want and need you in my life. You make life much easier because loving you, falling inlove with you is the best thing that happened to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Where have you been all my life? There are so many buzz worthy editors and writers out there with the right qualifications. I am just a passionate writer who speaks from her heart. No fancy wording or pictures to capture the moment. I am a blogger inlove with her words and I hope the reader reading this feels that special message from my heart, head and fingers to your open mind.

Breaking up is hard. So is staring a blog. In most cases there is no what next but one thing that is certain, there has to be an ending. It is easier to stay and fight. It it easier to postpone that dream or to do list than actually go for it. I am not that lady. I see it, I dive into it. Let’s deal with the consequences later on. Right now am in bed day dreaming of how 2020 will put in a smile on my face but I had to pause those beautiful thoughts to blog.

This just came to me. I guess that’s how you find yourself achieving greatness. You are in the middle of your little madness and then boom, it comes to you. I read my own blogs all the time. Maybe one day, someday, any day now, this will be a #RealityCheck and #MyMagazineThoughts to travel and discover the world and share with you my experiences.

Happy holidays checkmates!

Believe it, see it, become it

Halo December

I will briefly express my thoughts. What you term as beautiful especially when it comes to social media is what I define as basic. I am a supernatural species that is on this Earth but not of it.

In the wise words of Oprah Winfrey ~I know what is for you will come to you.

My life is not meant for anyone alive to understand but I am alive to serve a higher purpose other than to live, love and enjoy life.

Your work is not to figure out your life. Your work is to simply ask God ~ Steve Harvey

What comes to you naturally? Perhaps that could be your gift all along. And to think you were busy celebrating others so much so that you lost sight of your own.

That's what social media is making us believe indirectly. Since he or she is doing it so well, why should I bother with my own gift? As long as you wake up each day, have the same passion you had for it the following year, until you unwrap your gift it will forever be in your mind hidden but never forgotten.

Happy holidays checkmates.

Some of you don't need any more material gifts to unwrap this December,  you just need to pay attention to the voice inside you and unwrap the gift you keep postponing just because it looks the same with someone else's. Sure, theirs might get money back or a million likes or buzz worthy attention, perhaps if you start paying attention to yours you will discover there us more deep inside you that you have been dismissing just because it is different.

Don't compare your starting point with someone else's end game. That's where we all go wrong. It might take a day, a month , a year or ten years!!!!! Hey, that's the #RealityCheck of life. Don't be afraid to pursue yourself tirelessly.

Until the next blog, remember, it is your gift that will ensure you fulfill your vision. Believe it,  see it, become it.

Happy Birthday

We are living in an era where waiting is a luxury and most people cannot afford it. I mean, why wait when you can make things happen. After all, God will bless the work of my hands, right? Allow me to share my hero with you.

When my parents were just new in this whole marriage experience and commitment, they had no idea of what to expect. Nine months later, they found out that their lives were no longer just bond by their love. A miracle from heaven was in their arms and her smile changed everything that they thought would be hard was erased by just one golden cry,look and  hug. On this day years back my big sister decided to tighten their love and then henceforth they became a family.

I am so proud to call you my big sister and friend although don't expect me to open up about everything after all you need you to let me grow up on my own but so far you have been a blessing.Today being thanksgiving day I have so much to be grateful for and more especially you so I raise a glass to toast to God for bringing his very own angel to come watch over us in person.

What do you give someone who has it all?  You pray  for them, be the best you can to make them proud and you love them with everything in you.I love you and no matter how many times we will ever disagree you can forever count on me.I can never repay you so instead I will allow God repay you on my behalf. May He breathe love, presidential favor,health, wealth,abundance in your life and everything you love.

Your humility and beautiful heart speaks of grace. Happy Birthday birthday and may everything you have planted, you get to harvest it a thousand-fold . May your cup overflow and may God smile down on you this beautiful day and season. May He overwhelm your heart.

Today, you serve as my #RealityCheck

I hit a dead end

I don't know how many people will relate to this blog but this much I am sure, I must share my truth as it is everything inclusive of what I have to offer.

This happened to me the other day and I must admit it scared me. For a minute I had to calm myself down and play back everything I have done and every decision I have ever made to confirm if I am still a good person.

Have you ever been desperate? That day, I hit a dead end.

There are two types of people as I have come to understand. Those who rely on help and those who do it themselves. When you are used to having others say put in a good word for you or make that call on your behalf, that doesn't make you a bad person. Perhaps and please don't get me wrong, you don't have that push in you to do it yourself to begin with but that doesn't mean you don't have it in you to turn things magical.

The other kind of people who for some weird reason freak me out , is my kind. The ones who wake up and do it with no expectations but determination to just try. Have you ever met someone who is so confidently wrong yet they are right? You always find such people smiling.

We all have the same intentions so I have discovered. It's how you go about it that makes you stand out! My point of desperation is this. When you are created to allowing help it makes it hard to step out and do it yourself and when you are created to go get it, it makes it hard to accept help. The day any of the these two will try and do the opposite it will leave your nervous system confused and afraid.

Take it from me, you will fail miserably at it.

If you are going to step out or accept help, you must be willing to put in more time than once. Is it worth it? Do you have such luxury of time to do it?

I don't know about you, but I will continue to scare myself. How often do I scare myself you might ask? All the time *laughing sheepishly* . That's how I started this blog in the first place.

So do it especially if it scares you, because you will give your absolute best when fear is involved.  Let that be your #RealityCheck

You will......

Childhood trauma. That’s the description I was looking for. We all suffer from this. Mine is this. If I am not needed then I am not loved.

So I took time off everyone else after a very bad breakup which led to depression and I turned something hurtful to something meaningful . I decided that despite the fact that nothing made sense, I would make sense. If nothing else mattered, I would matter. So I accepted that number one, I wasn’t what he wanted or needed. My mission rather my role in his life was over. Here is the thing about pain, it doesn’t matter if you have a PHD or certificate level of education. At one point in your entire life, you will have to go through it. It doesn’t mean you are dumb enough to fall for it but actually smart enough to learn from it.

I took time.

I gave myself space. 

If you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, it was yours to keep. We all want to hear and believe that. But what if it never comes back? Not many people talk about it not working out when you sat there and waited. When you whispered a prayer and shed a tear or two hoping the good Lord would turn things around. Was it your fault? Did you give it your all? Was there anything left to say or do? But most importantly, did the one thing you felt deeply about, want you back? Damn! I never thought of it that way.

You have to be the thing you are asking for. Praying for. Waiting on. If you want love,be love. Date yourself. Take yourself out. Treat yourself the way you wish for someone or others to and I promise you, in becoming that, you will find yourself wanting more that what you eventually hoped for. Did you read that right? You will find yourself!!!! You will......

You have been looking for yourself all this while. That's the key to all this. It's not what they say or how they act around you that will determine how open you will become but rather how you act and say will let them know what and how to expect it. *takes a moment*  That was deep.

So the next time , oh, there will always be a next time.....in the wise words of Songs of Solomon 8:4 Daughters of Jerusalem,  I charge you , do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. 

Why?

Because you will have overcome your childhood trauma.

It wasn't your fault. Forgive they that hurt you.  And most importantly forgive yourself. 

It's time to let go and use your pain to inspire others and yourself by allowing it to be a stepping stone.

When your heart is ready, it will beat and love again as if it never broke or hurt. You will fall madly, deeply and wisely inlove though this time, you will have learnt to love yourself first and be okay with any outcome it brings your way.

Happy November checkmates ❤

Greatness in advance

There are days I am tired of trying to figure life out . Today is one of those days. I just want life to figure me out. I am inbetween now and what next. I am doing everything under patience and within grace to get to the other side. Do I crawl, walk, run or fly there? I am having a silly moment.  A silly moment to me is when I want to worry but it's beyond me. There is nothing more I can do. That's one feeling I resent the most. Having to do nothing.

Why?

My entire life has always been about having to do something. Not having to worry is scary.  My system is already used to the pressure of overworking, over thinking and over worrying.  Stay calm?

What is that?

I am worried that I am no longer worried. I literally don't care and I say that with a whisper as I am out of breath saying it. I am free of myself and not having to look or dissect a past situation over and over again no longer brings pleasure to my imagination.

Right now, ..........

I don't know. I know what next has instored for me. This is all new. I am used to new environments, people and whatever life has ever offered and is yet to offer me but a new peace of mind and mentality where I get to either do it or leave it and not have to think twice about the before or after, that's a whole different new.

In a strange way, I have conquered my mind and freed it from myself and the world. I don't know if anyone else has been here or is headed there. So, I want to make a toast to everyone who is inbetween now and what next in life ....... may this "confusion" clarity lead to greatness in advance baibee.

Cheers!!!

Afraid yet bold enough to pen this

It’s as if he can read my mind. Am taken aback. I always go fearlessly for what I go for and speak my mind freely without regrets or facts of it being right or wrong. If it crosses my mind you better believe it is true.

He scares me. If you know me well enough you know that I am only afraid of God and what He has planned unpredictably for me. As I write this my heart is pounding like I am on an African safari. It’s like I have come face to face with a predator not to insinuate that my life is in danger though.

I can’t explain how terrified I am but it is nothing to be bothered with but not being control of my emotions is making my heart skip a beat.

I am so used to being incharge that I feel all over with my mind. I want to run away but I can’t. Not that am not usually vulnerable but it is like he wants me to bare my soul out. He expects it. He secretly craves and demands it. His soul is so sure of itself and mine that his eyes all I can read and see from them is this: I will choose you. Try me and see if I won’t choose you!

I wear disappointments beautifully. It is the scarf that keep my I told you so away with the confidence of you shouldn’t even bother. I am so used to walking away. So why am I stopping now. You can’t humiliate me more that I have been doing most of my life. This is the one thing I am really good at. No one should ever say or write that but this is in some truth someone ones #RealityCheck

What I really want is for him to turn around and walk away. Let me dream and fantasize you being here rather than actually sticking around. I have so much to offer not only you but your world and mine. The rest of the world is simple but the two of us separately yet together are so complicated.

Again, why is he here? Why are you here? Look what you made me do. Be so lost yet I had it all figured out. You have rendered me speechless and my mind blank. I am naked yet clothed. Speechless yet witty. Afraid yet bold enough to pen this down.

You are a beautiful man with a beautiful mind. God, I wish that was true. I don’t know you. The yesterday me would have loved to unwrap every package that comes with you but today I am like a dried up leaf just blowing away.

Why do you want to make sense when mystery shouldn’t be defined. I am not a cave to explore because if I were I would have drowned you. You knew I would write this before I even did. You don’t see me the way I wish to be seen. You are whispering to my mind with your curiosity, gently caressing my fingers with your anticipation and quenching my inspiration with your silence.

You don’t see me. You feel me. I can feel you right back. That’s is what I am afraid of. Our souls know each other even without words. This is madness..... science fiction.

What do you want to DO?

I don't get to choose when I want to blog because it is who I am. Why did I start blogging? Do you want the raw truth or polished version of it? I got fed up of watching and having mediocre applauded and accepted as the truth. That is the polished part of it. The raw truth is that I got tired of having so much to say and not sharing it with like minded people in the hope of changing the norm to spectacular.

I owe it to my parents for having sacrificed so much of themselves not for me to obtain, attain and maintain a certain level of power where am untouchable but be so touchable by obtaining,  attaining and maintaining the integrity of not only knowing and doing better but also becoming better. We all serve a merciful and gracious God. Notice how we are blessed differently because we each own unique gifts.

Let us not judge one another based on our up bringing. Some of you got a head start in life and it is not your fault while the rest of us had a late start which again is not our fault. What matters is that we are all here now. What are you bringing to the table?  I will use myself as an example. There are certain situations I am faced with sometimes and I think to myself like am I really ready? I look back at old lessons and I laugh at myself hard and out loud. If my old mentality could tackle this now, man I would be screwed if not sued.

There are certain places where only God can take you. Sure you know someone but the thing with us human beings is that we always want recognition. Directly and indirectly. Everyone is out there to get theirs. Again, there is nothing wrong with that but if others will question your motives and intentions that is where you have a quick board meeting with yourself and be like , the idea was cute but the execution will only bite you in your aśś. Stop! Come on, stop it!!!

I had set myself back because where God is taking me I didn't agree with out of fear. I am not eloquent enough. I don't look a certain way. I don't have it like that. Excuses. The villager in me was so afraid of succeeding because I had found comfort in lacking and failing. This is not for me. It's for a certain club. I was such a fool. At one point in life dear reader am certain you have used one of the above excuses or even worse to eliminate yourself from achieving desired goals.

We are so afraid of sharing our failures and achievements because we assume that others will not understand. This is my personal take on that others bullshit unless I know your story and I can actually say your name, to me , you don't exist. Unless your name is God please, don't waste my time because you can neither the sun nor the moon.Child, you are not the sky high above. Unless you are selling lives.....well, are you? So your human as well? Am merely stating facts!

I share this and more to come because growing up writing gave me an escape and empowered me. I dreamt more and imagined the world for myself. This is not for everyone but for someone somewhere who needed a reminder of what used to be, is and yet to come. You are not crazy nor alone in thinking there is a better life out there for you. If you are brave enough to believe it, then it exists. Don't give up on yourself. Don't beat yourself down. No more don'ts.  It's time for a new do.

So, what do you want to DO? 

That's a perfect #RealityCheck

Saturday Series

Everyone deserves the kind of relationship my parents have. I have watched The Notebook time and again but in my humble opinion I believe my parents have figured and conquered true love. In a world where majority of the people are working smart and not hard, this blog will only speak to old fashioned souls.

I have had my share of Google to research on relationships but it only leaves my mind more confused and heart convinced that am all alone in this. I am in this world but I am not of this world. My body is here physically but I can't tell you want goes on in real life. I am here but I am not there.

I tend to overworry sometimes which is wrong. My work is to enjoy the life I am blessed with each passing day. Whatever happens tomorrow will happen but not today or this very minute. That's where most of us brilliant human beings especially ladies go wrong. How we allow past disappointments draw us to this insane conclusion, "It won't work out". With such an approach and negativity ofcourse it won't.  So I will be the first to admit I have been wrong for doing everything I am supposed to do right yet walking with doubt in my mind. My heart knows the truth, it always has but my mind is tired of having to keep believe it will work out someday.

Someday huh!?

Why not today?

Simple, just because you have rather get a dream, you just don't go to sleep and wake up the next day the CEO. You need training and experience and guidance to get you there. So to my soulmate out there, today I woke up missing you. I ate, drunk and if I had extra I would go shopping. I don't know what tomorrow holds who knows I could wake up not liking you or replacing you with some available eye candy 😆. My point is, until the day whatever magic that lies deep within us together happens, I will still have rehearsed conversations, be sarcastic and sadly wait for you.  It's sad because I don't know where I should go wait (laughing hysterically).

All I know is that it will feel like a Saturday Series when we meet. It's like we have know each other our entire lives and we are just catching up and somehow magically, it's no longer a wait but a reality. We will be each others #RealityCheck

So Much

I have been deliberately not blogging. Now that I finished reading #LetLoveHaveTheLastWord Commons book, I have come to this conclusion, whatever I set my mind on, I can and will accomplish. I really wanted to take my time with it. Would I have finished reading it in a day or say two hours, sure, but since it meant something to him, I wanted it to mean something to me. True enough as I read on, I pictured myself, someone I cared about and above all the truth. My truth. 

I won't lie and say I have changed yet perhaps I have become worse but this much I will acknowledge, if I come across something that needs to be changed, I will act on it accordingly with silence, words and actions.

I am learning on how to be present and be very alert at this particular moment. Not everything bad is bad. What's the lesson behind each passing day, week, month or year? What's my attitude with and without it? Would I like me if I wasn't me? Who and what am I attracting in my life? Do I stay and try and improve or do I graciously bow out of it.

This is not even a #RealityCheck because so much awaits me

Reflections

I will be sharing how #LetLoveHaveTheLastWord is slowly impacting my life. So many realizations as I self reflect. Starting from the beginning would mean not being in the very moment that very feeling made all my senses aware of what is slowly happening to me. It is amazing how someone else’s honesty hits home.

I am drawn to honesty whether it’s less or more of my expectations. Listen, that is your truth and I respect you for that. Does it make me view you less or more? Not at all. It is what it is and I like you for trusting me enough to open up.

Page 64 when he writes all of this because of one song. I currently have two songs on repeat. My favourite 2019. God I can’t get enough of them. Both songs got me very vulnerable. See in page 60 he writes ask yourself why you no longer believe in love. At the end of the answer , a face will appear in your mind. Back to real life please allow me to ask this,”why do you believe in love?” At the end of the answer, again, a face will appear in your mind.

I have been inlove and I am inlove with myself. I slowly feel that now where I am at in my life I am willing to allow myself be vulnerable with not only love but with others as well. Presented with a male version of myself yes, I could see myself settling down and taking on the rest of life with him. I usually don’t care but I do want to care. I have been selfless with myself and now I want to share that with everyone else.

Thank you Common for that #RealityCheck.

I have never gotten back half of what I give out.

I have been here before. I have done this. I am not sure if I have blogged this before but being a #Truesday I must live up to my first name.  Why haven't I blogged rather why haven't I been consistent? I was broke not on vibe or inspiration but financially. It's being broke that got me here in the first place so let's just say,  whenever I have it, it feels like am on vacation so now am back home. So it's safe to say rather for you are the reader to assume being broke keeps me humble? No having more than I require keeps me humble. I have mastered being broke and using it to make it work in my favour.

The many guys I have liked and they have been quite alot had me thinking. I have only dated two guys in my entire life though I doubt if the first one really counts as I was still in high school but he asked (what a gentleman) so yes two. After my second real relationship I met afew more what ifs but none of them really stood out.

My lesson is this. I finally realised that I have always "killed" who I am to belong.  Let no one fool you. We all want association but we desperately feel the need to belong. Badly! Shiro I know you will read this and please don't even think of reminding me of how I really insisted on belonging *laughing but in an embarrassed manner*. This is my truth. I have always loved and will forever love cars. I have older brothers but I always joke and say secretly am sure my dad wanted me to be a boy. I got my passion from him. I understand my dad owned a jeep and quite the bachelor life right before he met my mum but sold it. As a little girl, I loved cleaning our Peugeot 504 and as soon as I was done I would start the engine and imitate how my dad made faces while driving.

In highschool I was more into games than I was with my education. And all the men who thought I was an honor student left, unfollowed and blocked all my social media accounts. Beautiful!! Sarcasm is an effortless gift. For those slow men out there, I was kidding about the men not the education part *laughing sheepishly*. Please try and keep up. OMG! That's it. That's my point right there. I have spent all my energy on different relationship(s) trying to keep up with them and get this, none of them ever "killed" who they are to keep up with all of me.

I have never gotten back half of what I give out.

#RealityCheck 

That is why I have chosen to be single for this long. I apologise to all those amazing gentlemen out there but I have nothing to offer you if all you have to offer is brokenness and being emotionally unavailable. I am not the girl for you.  I can't save you leave alone encourage you back to life. Life is too short to wait around for the day someone will hopefully see you the way you need to be seen. I don't mind living in a simple home but both of us not getting enough of each other each passing day. I want to laugh for the rest of my life. Let's question everything else but not one another or why we are both here. My biggest fear is waking up one day and realising that I have fallen out of love with the man I saw myself dying beside. I deserve the kind of love where even when I say am done and about to leave, he holds my hand and walks out with me in search for whatever it is I feel I miss. Even when we are old and very unattractive, we are the envy  of young people. 

If I never do anything right before my parents and God, it's my prayer and desire to be found by my soulmate and together our souls will awaken a love so strong and true, we will teach and heal the world with the true meaning of falling inlove.

Other than all that, everyday I live to inspire myself. I have said this before and I will keep repeating it, everything else is just icing on the cake but not the main ingredients . I am the main ingredients and without me there can be no cake. Yum!!!

Julying Truesday

To all the single men out there, today I am here to help. Let’s establish where you have been going wrong. I need you to be very honest with me here. Help me help you. Damn! For a quick second I almost believed myself hahahahaha. Seriously though let’s begin now shall we:

Lowering my imaginary reading glasses as the entire room smells of me....

When was the last time you were in a relationship? If a month ago or say two days ago,I have the solution for you. Yours is a very simple case. You are a certified man whore.There is no cure for that. You need condoms or vasectomy for the sake of those naive girls out there .Next

When you walk into a room, do people immediately notice you, ignore you , shown the way back out or none of the above? Assuming you like ladies, do they find you attractive or must you make a statement to draw their attention? On a scale of 1-10 what am I working with?

*waits patiently* .....

Crickets

Listen, ugly is okay as long as you have a handsome bank account. That’s the word on the street so am just stating facts here. If you are good looking chances are your bank account is fucked up!You simply live off other men. Again, am just stating facts. seguimos juntos? I don't speak Spanish I just Googled that *laughing* . Or maybe I do. You will never know.

If you are average looking with a royalty bank account you will survive amongst these hawks & hyenas of ladies who are with you to prosper themselves financially just don’t be picky after all you are not that appealing to look at either. It kinda is a fair game if you ask me. It takes two to tango. Wrong intentions will always attract the wrong crowd. Common sense sir,  common sense!

If you are mind blowing gorgeous that ladies practically throw themselves at you without you having to chase them, that right there is the problem. They already have high expectations especially financially. So you find yourself living way beyond what you can afford aka LOANS!!! No matter how simple you think you look someone out there will always have butterflies everytime they see you. Don't stretch your budget to accommodate a temporary fling. Work for it that way, you will appreciate everything about her. Stop being chased and start chasing realistically.

My point is simply this, men, you have been viewing and going into the dating game with the same game plan expecting better results. We are all born exceptionally beautiful and handsome. This has nothing to do with physicality. If all you are after is beauty then you might as well walk up to her with your bank statements. This blog is for the men who are done with one night stands, meaningless not this year type of relationships. I am talking to men who are after the real deal. Men who see past the make up and your perfected crafts. Men who just want to have a decent conversation without worrying if she might rob you or second guess himself just because she doesnt laugh at your jokes. First of all why would you be with someone who doesn't get your sense of humour effortlessly? What madness is that? Stop trying to over enhance what’s already visible.

And last but not least, this is my definition of a broke man. Most of you lack dreams that’s why you always end the relationship too soon or years later when you realize she didn’t have a dream either. Her work is to improve on what you have already presented her. Don’t be empty!

Let me leave with this quote from Jesse Duplantis,"A broke man is not a man without a nickle,  but a man without a dream." How is that for a #RealityCheck.

Celebrating Gentlemen

Today am celebrating all the gentlemen out there who have had to make life changing mistakes but then came back to their senses somehow when the lady you loved walked out and your mother didn't quit praying and kept waiting at the door for the day you would come back home year in and out. It takes a strong man to pick up his brokenness and failure because clearly, you were worth the wait.

The man you are and becoming today is who am applauding.

Let's have a proud moment of silence.

Oh wow!!!!  *smiles*

It wasn't easy especially for you because  you thought you were making progress while deep down you were slowly killing everyone who loved you.God has your dreams in place and rewards awaiting . Now that you are home where you belong being the man He created you to be, know  that he will indeed shower you with yet another chance to bless you with true love , a fast forward and will give you all what the devil stole from you.

What took you so damn long?

Ops! It had to take a #RealityCheck huh!?  No worries.

Stay blessed our future lovers, husbands and fathers to the next generations.

Embracing my testimony

I have been avoiding this blog but I have to embrace my testimony. It took over seven (7) years *I can't seem to get the right words* . I am avoiding to state the correct amount of years because I don't believe in shaming people no matter how much they lack character. That's on you sweetheart.  Whether this blog helps anyone out there or not, frankly speaking, today it is not about you but me. This is personal.

No one is born insecure but sometimes you find yourself a victim of your circumstances. When someone or people hurt you for doing the right thing, you automatically become insecure. The most dangerous decision anyone can ever make is abandoning who you are, what you believe in to accommodate the version of who "they" make you believe and say you are or should be. Did anyone get that? That is morally wrong on so many levels.

There was never a night that I didn't I ask God why He allowed this to happen to me. When I was done crying, I would cry some more just to get some sleep coz I could feel myself slowly loosing my mind.  Have you ever had God take you from bad to worse and as if He wasn't finished to the worst. Being taken from disfunctional, to functional to now purpose has been a real #DaddyDaughterAdventure.  It didn't make sense then but now looking at it from this open minded intentional view is slowly clearing my mind.

When you break up in any relationship, growth is the next obvious step right? Wrong!!! Whomever moves on first wins atleast that's what society made me believe so he moved on ten (10) days after cheating on me and not with the same lady. Sometimes bad things are not necessarily bad because instead of handling it in a more mature way, this son of a woman threw a petty festival on social media and to add fuel to the fire this old fashioned wild goose of a girl joined in. That's when I got a why did I get married moment and wanted to beat the living 💩 out of her by getting out all that anger I felt towards the both of them but instead I used to walk around with my head held down because I felt I had lost. Everyone God sent my way was for a specific season and no none of them was a good man to compensate the unfair situation.

The one person God has assigned to be in my life for not only several reasons for difficult seasons to date is my bestfriend. I brag about her most if not all the time because if you met her you would understand. To me, my bestfriend is the epitome of grace. Before all this hard life lessons, I considered myself a free spirit. Nothing ever bothered me. See, I forgot how to be graceful because I allowed bitterness to get the best of me. There are people who God brings in your life to remind you of your purpose. It's not just to fall inlove, live the good life and have the best of everything but to serve God with the little and much awaiting. Was I trust worthy then? No! If he brought me my soulmate right after that break up my only intention would have been to prove that I had upgraded. When they talk about me behind my back and attack the one thing I hold dear the most (faith in God) what will you do? Confront them, abuse the , fight them or do the unthinkable and walk away? It has been a show me process that God has had to use to break me down, rough me out, burn the rough edges, smoothen me out then finally polish me out.

This year I have bumped into the two of them though on separate days. Whoever said the best revenge is to look good wasn't wrong. See, God had to get rid of the immature whispers that kept me doubtful and fearful. I have always known that I am it but of late I have been living like it. All I could think of was ,"please God, not today. I don't need that negative energy around." To my surprise even demons behave in the presence of greatness. #Facts!! am just humbly stating #Facts!! Thank God for selective hearing and amnesia because all I did was say hi back then walked casually away. If I was him, I would have walked away hurt because I could tell he wanted to have a conversation but I had already disappeared from the scene and that's when I knew he was playing some Usher music "There goes my baby." in his head. Yup! God did that *laughing sheepishly*

Ladies, be very careful who you are busy admiring and what you are after because you might just end up getting it only to find out that it was a pest after all. Just because the one he is with at that particular moment doesn't meet your expectations doesn't give you the right to dismiss you because it is never what it seems.

Dear future boyfriend/husband/soulmate, the one before me was there for a reason and for that particular season. I am not here to act like I am better than her and don't think that you will get with me to prove a point to her or society as well. Don't be the old immature me. I could have if I wanted to date around as I hoped to meet you but I am out here waiting because I know you are worth the best verion of me flaws and beauty. The only thing I will say this about your ex if you allow me is that she was wrong in hurting you but I am glad she did because then you wouldn't appreciate of how God has had to mold me morally, mentally, physically and spiritually to become a good enough woman to love your heart right. If anything, I thank God for your ex. Thank you girl, that was the only way he would have allowed you to walk out of his life. Thank you Jesus!!! Hallelujah!!!!!

Two week ago, I met my ex's missing rib (I am being very sarcastic). Keeping it Njerified all the way. I genuinely felt so sorry for her. When I saw, I just wanted to say hi to her but when I looked into her eyes and her body language I saw it. She had the same look I had everytime I used to bump into them . She had regret, bitterness and brokenness.  He fell short of her expectations because she got in it for the wrong reasons one of them being finances. Girl, you should have dated me because I was the one who used to provide financially but you were too blind to bring yourself to me the way he saw me. A good person. Nothing scars more like getting what you want but never getting them emotionally to see you the way that you want to be seen.

That's my testimony. I am embracing my testimony. God has been good.

I loved and I lost but I can't wait to love and be found. Soulmate, you aren't ready for this kind of love, affection and attention. In the words of Cassie in me and you,  ," you've been waiting so long, I'm here to answer your call." Cheers to the future.

Changing lives with love

This is just but my observation. Most ladies who have landed and are starting to get with godly men have had quite the rough experiences. I am not talking about men who speak in tongues or beat down demons *whoa!* quiet frankly such a man would scare the crap out of me. I have heard of angels on earth but I doubt I am worthy of such a flawless man so my rib will do.  If I am part of him and he part of me, we can make something good together.

I haven't found the one. That's not my work. My work is to pray and wait. Perhaps I have been spotted but he is yet to physically make a move. If not I have been stalked. I am being very optimistic.

For God to ensure that he can entrust me with one of his best sons, I have had to entertain the madness of quite the ugly toads. I haven't experienced afew bad breaks, (fuck my life) please excuse my language but it feels like I have had to learn how to surf on top and under waves. It takes loving the wrong man to finally appreciate the love of a good man. Coming soon *fingers crossed* . The little things he took for granted and thought was an exaggeration (idiot)  left me feeling like I was wrong to be pure and genuine with my love and kindness. (Am learning to accept myself and the ugly truth)

How do you teach the heart to stop beating without killing it? How do you see the sun and not feel its rays? How do you expect for it to rain without grey clouds? How do you expect the moon  without the stars?

I am a fool waiting for her miracle.  I would be an even bigger fool if I didn't wait.

So many have given up and given in too soon but not me. Two hundred years from now, I will be long dead and forgotten. But in that silence and my absence I know somehow someone will come across my letters or this blog and hope will be restored. But for that to happen  I need to start living and making changes everywhere I go and I can. How? With love ofcourse.

Changing lives with love.

Some bad breaks can lead to a beautiful  #RealityCheck

Man~Day

I am too lazy to type so am tempted to just copy paste something from the previous year and share it. Not because I am in a bad mood , rather I am in a wonderful mood.

I am vulnerably open to the possibility of falling inlove. Not that I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin but I finally understand the level of freedom one gets when you get rid of fear. I am excited over the unknown.

I just wanted a good man with everything good in him.

So bring him. I want his bad as well. Whatever his demons are it doesn’t take away the fact that he is rather tries to be a decent human being.

I woke up inlove with love and facing this day with nothing but love to give. So if am extra nice or smile more, it has nothing to do with what’s going on around me leave alone the world.

God is making a way in the waste land so live well because you are a chosen treasured possession. I choose love above everything else. True love ❤.

Consider this my Man~Day #RealityCheck

Please,Stalk Me

Why are people not honest. Listen, Sir, please, stalk me. Stalk the 💩 out of me but don’t come at me with half the offer. Not that anyone is asking 🤣 but I am not the coffee kind of lady. ‬I need not remind you but that’s why I am blessed with a stomach. Sir, with the kind of worms I occasionally have, let’s give them something to be upset over.

Make me believe you that you really thought this through. You want to impress me right? Then speak my language or better yet meet me half way. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or though it’s Njeri we are talking about so it must be Njerified. Affordable yet very sophisticated. In other words romantic.

I don’t expect you to order a ten thousand meal per plate only to be served a leaf and soup. What sorcery is this? So assuming someone asks me out on a date, the person asking me out determines how I will dress. Ofcourse am showing up with jeans on. Don’t expect me in a dress gentleman(gentlemen) because my body is currently under construction. I am not that wealthy to have surgery or fortunate enough to hire a personal trainer. I am thankful for YouTube and all the home exercises out there.

As much as I love salads, this is not survivor. I will not survive on water and greens only. Offer me something to remember you by. Make it hard for me to want to go out with anyone else other than you. Let me choose you through your actions and not by default. I will blog on what it takes to go out with a man but for now am assuming you already won me over with your intelligence. Having agreed to go out with you only means my expectations are even higher. I am going to monitor your every move and google everything you tell me. Basically, it feels like a board meeting. At this particular moment the worst mistake would be for him to ask what am thinking. Honestly, my mind is tearing you apart but my heart is rooting for you. My heart hardly ever wins so ummm good luck!

I don’t mind going on a date because I am 99.9% sure we will have a blast. It’s the 0.1% after that in most cases in my own humble opinion makes it easier to not go in the first place. He will end up doing something silly or stupid proving my mind right and I end up resentful towards him. It’s not me, it’s you.

When was the last time someone else other than myself took me out rather asked me out and I accept? I don’t recall the year leave alone the person *laughing quietly to myself*. Am I open? The Aquarius lady in me wants to write hell no will capital letters but the kindness in me in almost a whisper is like,”It depends”. Final answer.

Well, there you have it gentlemen, a glimpse of a #RealityCheck date with me. If you happen to read this and you find yourself smiling, gentleman I believe you owe me a date and if you happen to be a lady as flattered as I would be, just copy and paste it. This blog could be your link to relationship (laughing sheepishly). Thank me later by sending me an invitation card to your wedding.

Hugs and kisses..... NOT!

Let's talk, Shall We

It’s not a cold morning rather it’s a cold world. Have you ever had someone unknowingly on social media come off less than smart. I just hope to God this was just a bad comment and not who you really are in person and unfortunately they end up proving you right.

Let’s talk, shall we!

How do you walk around being this pathetic for lack of a better word if I may. By any chance do you think there is another life out there waiting for you because clearly you are living your worst life in the hope of in that other life you will perhaps finally put your best foot forward? In my mind, am assuming this is the leader of his group (throws up) and is God forbid dating (why) .

Being educated is your right, right? Wrong!

Someone went out of their way for you to get that education. So tell me, why do you reason in such an uncouth manner. What justice are you doing to your brain surely? Do you ever take the time to listen to your words or do you just talk for the sake of talking to appear relevant? In my humble opinion the person who went out of their way for you deserves a better life if not retirement by you living the best real version of yourself right now. Don’t wait to be a better or kind person when you achieve certain goals in life, start now when you are as confused as you will ever be and humbled by lack be it finances,health or even love.

Next time you think of representing yourself please take a moment and just stop. Ask yourself this, am I really putting myself out there in the hopes of reaching out for greatness or am I just being an empty vessel airing my foolishness to the world.

Now you know why life has been serving you harsh #RealityCheck . Don’t just go with the flow, take time to think, rethink and think even harder of how and who you have been attracting.

Self~ish

Halo June,
My last blog was addressed to younger Njeri but today rather this month am focusing on myself even more. You deserve the kind of love you keep trying to give everyone else. Think about it ladies and gentlemen. How many times do you find yourself doing so much for the people in your life but when it comes to doing it for yourself you always find yourself saying, "Not today!" When then?

I am keeping a positive attitude and an open mind. Each new day am turning it to , "I am getting the hang of this". The only person you should be afraid of disappointing is yourself. As a matter of fact,  you owe it to yourself to put yourself first.  It's not being selfish rather it's being self~ish 😆.

As soon as I discover more, I will blog more so for now allow this not only be my introduction of this magical new month but the beginning of a new #RealityCheck.

Wish me luck!

Younger Njeri

Happy new month checkmates! We made it to yet another adventurous and opportunity giving and taking  process. Are you ready? I didn’t grow up in a household where all we shared were hugs and kisses. Are you kidding me! It was more like a military boot camp. I can’t is not a word but an excuse. Don’t start a fire you can’t put out. You must finish it. Having stated that and knowing what I know now, this would be my advice to the younger Njeri.

Baby girl, beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. You are one of a kind so let that sink in. As it does don’t ever use that beauty or allow it go to your head that you feel entitled to getting ahead in life just because you are beautiful. You are smarter than that. Speaking of smart, don’t worry about pleasing your family by trying to achieve something that has already been done. You are not an A student and guess what that is okay. At least you are not a D student either. Focus on your strengths. I see how writing those compositions leaves a smile on your smile as you express your thoughts and dreams with a pen and paper. Hold on to that. You will get somewhere with that. It might not open the doors you are hoping but it will keep you grounded. Forget about fitting in. You are meant to draw in crowds not be one.

You will grow into your body eventually. Listen, that figure eight concept might never apply in your entire life and I need you to embrace that. As for trends and fashion, girl that might take you a while to know what works for you so if jeans and sneakers is what rocks your world do it. Thank you for learning to walk in heels at the age of twelve. You will thank yourself one day for that as well. Stop using anything and everything on your face. You have more to offer the world other than getting a smooth face so relax. You are a special girl very hormonal but unique. Go see a dermatologist and lay off fats especially French fries.

Career wise don’t even sweat it. You will have the required qualification but they won’t take a chance on you. Where you think you are supposed to be is not where God will bless you. What is the one course you are afraid of? That’s where God will lead you so you might as well change your attitude. Speaking of attitude life is not a fashion runway so drop all of those female “friends”. This is not a beauty pageant and if it was you think they want the best for you? Again, you will thank me for that.

It’s lonely at the top. I disagree. It’s lonely as you make your way to the top. Work on your relationship with God  first because anyone you place your trust on other than God will fall short of your expectations. I need you to be very open minded. Along the way, you will meet fascinating boys and semi gentlemen. Not everything that glitters is gold. Those are aluminum foils so don’t give them a second thought. You will be misunderstood by many and approached by few. Seek wisdom above everything else. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t allow others opinions cloys your mind. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts. If possible be your own bestfriend although no man is an island ask God to allow the right people in your life.

Be kind. Be patient. Be a decent human being. Love fearlessly, laugh loudly and put yourself out there. Go for what you want and walk away from what you don’t want. State your opinion and stay true to who you are. You deserve the kind of love you have been trying to give everyone else. Give yourself permission to accept help and receive kindness and love from others. Whatever you do, so it passionately so much so that you will leave your mark everywhere you go. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Most importantly, enjoy yourself.

Somedays you will get a #RealityCheck to keep you in line or get you out of your comfort zone. When you know, baby girl you will know then you will become unstoppable. Be free of society and who knows someone somewhere could be waiting for you because you could be their, “Where have you been all my life?”

Now I remember

When the right time comes (God's timing)  indeed I will vlog but until then kindly allow me to encourage and bless you all with my mistakes and the lessons I have learnt along the maturity road. I am still not there yet. Incase no one told you today ladies, that little effort you made putting on the make up or dressing up, that didn't go unnoticed. Sometimes we assume that just because no one applauds our efforts, it was all in vain. I assure you, they saw you, haters and admirers alike they just couldn't gather the courage because offering you a compliment is not enough. Keep your head held hire. Chin up darling and keep it up! Gentlemen ofcourse I have your backs as well. Don't think that cologne went unnoticed and the haircut! Wait a minute, are those new shoes? Listen, am not a man but I assume even men blush. The mere fact that you always offer and are a gentleman around ladies is not something to term as usual. I salute you for keeping the old fashioned man alive in an era where "men have become boys". Am sorry.

Wow, now I remember what my ex told me and this was when things were over the moon between us. Jess (that was my high school nickname)  you are the kind of girl I always go to the supermarket and gaze up at that one item on the top shelf and even if I saved up enough and that would take me a lifetime, I still could never afford you. Looking back at it now, this in a way is a prophecy.  I am not just saying that because we went our separate ways but sometimes we know some of these things and can't force blessings. Think about it. How many times have people separated you from the "us" mentality with such words or even bigger and better? Think long and hard child of God rethink then think agsin! If so, wish them well and run baibee run before you learn the hard way.

Being the supportive human being I have always been and I pray to God I never lose sight of this gift, I used to make him feel like a "man" I mean he was just a boy and I a simple girl by assuring him that he was not only good enough but he would make it in life. I didn't stick around to see any of his achievements but I wish him well in all his endeavours. He betrayed my trust by lying to me so you understand my hesitation. All is well even after such a #RealityCheck

People's thoughts on Social media

Me: Hi. So today I will be blogging about...... (is rudely interrupted by people's thoughts)

Social Media: Great! Another wannabe "influencer" (looks away while rolling their eyes). Now what's this one's shenanigans. Why is she writing instead of posting pictures of herself? She must be ugly! The few pictures we see of her are such poor quality like doesn't she own a camera or haven't she heard of photoshop? She doesn't travel! Ladies and gentlemen we have a broke one who in our opinions which happen to be facts plays out as follows. It must have dawned on her that she needs to do something with what's left of her life. She comes off as if she is in her late twenties headed thirty, desperately single I mean her blog tells it all acting all philanthropic yet in the hopes of landing a sponsorship ops! We meant be in partnership with a certain brand and earn her few coins and later purchase a designer bag or two then make us believe she is indeed a public figure. Wait, speaking of figure ( sarcasm loading) we are sick of her posting passport like pictures. Lady we are here to be entertained. Don't blog, vlog. We need to see and hear you. Goddamnit, twerk,  bend over , let us watch you walk away, basically anything for us to brand you as "one of us".  No wonder your followers game is weak and don't get us started on your lack of comments. Hell no! No one wants to double tap on that. Like!? Lady all want to do is block and report your account for FALSE ENTERTAINMENT! Njerislife my foot! Your username should be NjeriWho that way all we have to do is ask each other Njeri! Who? Exactly!!!

Me: First of all the term influencer is overrated. I am just here to serve my #RealityCheck. I write because am good at it and bad at posing thus less to no pictures. (Laughing Out Loud) me ugly? Look at the pot calling the kettle black! Am a flipper not a kiss ass so let me correct you. If your definition of ugly is Unique Girl Loving You heck am the queen of UGLY! Until then you are the ugly one and I suggest You Go Love Yourself (UGLY) I go by Njeri, Njerislife so kindly #CheckMate.  It's not like my DM is flooding with travel offers (for now) but I will all in due time. Baby steps! Besides, I would rather have a temporary bank account than walk around with a broke mentality 😎.  You are right, it did dawn on me that I was allowing myself cheer others achieve instead of putting myself out there chasing greatness. You can purchase etiquette classes but you can't buy manners so this is not me acting because all you are used to is fake it until you make it. The more you purchase new things in your life the less you appreciate what you already own. Single you say, I am an opportunist so don't hate the player rather up your game! I can't twerk reason being my buttcheeks don't know each other. The one time they almost met was when I had diarrhoea to contain that situation. Sponsors have a type not unless their prefence changed overnight from dumb and naive to opinionated with a sparkle of sarcasm in the package of bones and skull looks like I will die blogging 😂. As for don't blog, vlog,  no you vlog,  I will blog thank you very much. The day I will make money moves I promise that's all you will do, see and hear of me. I believe you meant "one of arse" butt what do I know 😆.

This are just people's thoughts and not the #RealityCheck

Njerified ✔

If I can change the world with love then I will have lived a fulfilled life. I am not hypocritical! Ofcourse I will not show love to those who hurt me instead I will show kindness by simply avoiding and ignoring them 😊 . Now this is Njerified ✔

This chapter of my life would be called "Adding Up". The pervious chapter I believe was all about detoxing. Life is starting to add up. While keeping it very simple, am finding myself making the most of what was left. If it's not a necessity, why purchase it. I am currently obsessed with smelling fresh. Have you ever walked past someone or in a room and you got excited just by the smell. The feeling leaves you thinking that that's the kind of person you need in your life right? The, "This is what am talking about" moment. Yeah, am not there yet but am working on it.

There are two types of human beings. Those that restock the minute the product runs out and those who add more reason being you never know. The just kind of people. Am gulity of over purchasing products. Am I proud of it financially,  no but everytime I walk up to "my mini bedroom store" it gives me life. Literally!

The only compliment am looking forward to this year is, "wow you smell exceptionally different" followed by a smile. Slow down,  I really want to get to know you.  Now this is what I call a #RealityCheck

In Sync

I was having a discussion with my bestfriend the other day and I was telling her about my fears. When? You may ask. Hey, don't be nosey! My biggest fear as of now is getting with the wrong man.  Listen,  I have come along way and as highlighted in my bio it's a long story, it's not a one day affair. I didn't become all this overnight. As enchanting as I want it to come off, it's not but then again,  I am.

What are his priorities and intentions? First of all, am boring! If all he is after is a good time, please hire a DJ let him/her mix that up for you. Wrong lady sir! Next!!! If he is searching *for dramatic effect* for his bestfriend not to assume he doesn't already have  but in his future wife, I mean, say no more. You have won the jackpot. I don't encourage gambling but I can bet that with me by your side, winning is the only option on the table. I believe that just empowered somebody (laughing sheepishly) for sure!

I am not about to let you in on what I go for least someone somewhere tries to camouflage themselves into that and I end up rebuking them. Don't do that to your soul. *in almost a whisper* am not the one for you.  I will rock your world but you won't even give me goosebumps. It's the ugly truth that no one wants to admit to. I always state the truth. The truth will set you free.

My bestfriend is a wise lady. I am not saying that just because she is my friend but she is an exceptional human being. The kindest soul I have ever come across other than myself ofcourse . It takes one to know one.  Beautiful.  Anyway, what was my point? This is how she put my fears to rest. She told me that the day my soulmate will meet me, we will be in sync. The way your left hand goes in your right hand and vise versa.

What are you struggling with right now? What are you afraid of? Allow me to take my bestfriends wisdom and challenge your mind for a minute. Whatever you are chasing , you think you want it bad enough, I assure you it's tearing and breaking barriers to make its way to you as well. Good or bad you will find each other. Then what?

Let's go back to my question. Remove his and replace it with my. What are my priorities and intentions? That will determine your in sync ladies and gentlemen giving you a #RealityCheck

Love Hate Feeling

I am constantly dealing with my love hate feelings. Right now I hate that I have to blog but I love that am staying true to my commitment even when all I want to do is daydream and not have to write.

Sometimes I have love hate expectations. Say I like you and honestly speaking you have no clue whatsoever that I do and then you either say or post something which according to me and my expectations that was rather less than smart I automatically dislike you at that particular moment. Later on you do something "worthy of my approval" again this is all on me and not you,  I find myself liking you more than before.

Is there anyone else out there who goes through such "abnormal cycles" with the love hate feelings? I expect the people I like , drawn to and attract have a certain level of wisdom to discern and kinda predict the future in a way. Am not talking about being book smart or street smart but there is something in you that sets you apart from everyone else.

See, I like you enough to walk away, to let you be and push you further than you see yourself. The thing about this special feeling is that you don't feeling it with everyone else. You know how people keep asking ,"How do you know?" I guess this is one of the ways.

I love hate #RealityCheck

Old memories

Have you ever come across an old picture of yourself and wondered, "what happened to this girl/boy?" Is it that I stopped dreaming, believing or did #RealityCheck catch up with me? Let's take a walk down old memories lane now shall we? Forget how you felt at that particular moment if life was easier or harder I am not here for that, I need you to write down the first thing that comes in mind when you see the young you.

This exercise is very important. Now, honestly speaking the now you will either dismiss  her/him or think highly of yourself based on looks alone. True or false? Let's go deeper! Can you recall what you were going through at that particular moment? Insecurities, peer pressure, beer pressure, identity crisis or perhaps and this is for the rare,you had life looking up. Again,  write it down.

Take a recent picture of yourself. Zoom in. What's the first thought that comes in mind? Were you shocked, did you smile or perhaps and this is for the rare slightly shed a tear out of fear? How does the now you make you feel? Is it in line with the old you or way much better or worse?

What's my point? There is how you see yourself, how others see you then there is what God has for you. By the end of this year you won't recognise yourself leave alone everyone else. As time changes so do you. The only person you owe your very best is the young you. How you have viewed the young you is how everyone viewed you.  But did that stop God from turning you from then to now? What gives you the right to dismiss yourself after that grilling process? Stop being hard and unfair to yourself.

It's not how others see you but how you see yourself that determines how harder you will work and fight for what you want. No one knows your dreams but you. I need you to start having your own back. It's only too late to turn your life around when you die. Until then, you owe the young you and those old memories a better #RealityCheck. 

My Friday #RealityCheck

You might have the skill and lack the experience. So what do you do? Give up too soon. Interact with others out there. Join a worthy cause, volunteer , anything else but throwing in the towel.  In doing that you will get exposure and who knows it could be a blessing in disguise.

Listen, we all want to be the boss and not the watchman. Look at it this way, until you get to where you want to be unfortunately, you are a watchman.  The beauty of this is that you have less or no expectations so you winning will be something unexpected.

Capitalise on that. Learn and master everything you need because unlike the boss you have nothing but time. What I mean by this example is stop reserving your best game or energy on when it actually happens.

Use all that to make it happen.

That's my Friday #RealityCheck

Broken Mentality

After years of being dismissed and people expecting me to stay down, wisdom creeped up on me. I have been walking around with a broken mentality. My heart healed years ago and God has been waiting on me to figure that out.

Am sure am not the only one who is guilty of experiencing some if not all of the above. Dismissed maybe because they don't know me or they have someone in mind. Still that doesn't make me a less candidate or the right to beat myself  down believing everything thrown my way. For that I apologise to myself for having dragged that foolishness way too long. As for people expecting me to stay down, yeah that will never happen. Take it up with God child.

I have grown rather I have been forced by circumstances to grow and embrace change but it's entirely up to me to make it positive or negative. I like this quote, "Pain changes people, it makes then trust less, overthink more and shut people out." I am guilty of that because I have been walking around with a broken mentality. See my heart moved on years ago but the memories have been holding me back triggering my mind to think that I am not okay but in actual sense I am good to go. I have been for years! I have just been allowing myself to carry on as if am a victim of good people finish last, it's not the right time, if this was God I would know...... Basically anything to stop me from moving forward emotionally. I have been waiting for God yet God has been waiting for me to get my act together.

One more quote to get you motivated is this," There are some men out there who will come into your life to HELP restore and heal what was broken."

Ladies, please note the key word is HELP!!!! How do you fix something that’s not broken or assist someone who doesn’t need leave alone can admit they are not okay? Other than that man loving you the best way he knows how he has a higher purpose and it's not you. How do you expect to be in a relationship when you have never committed to knowing what it is that you really want. Date yourself first. No matter how many scriptures you quote and how many times you fast and pray, your will never get a man who will restore and heal something that was never broken. With a broken mentality I assure you, you won't even know a good thing even when it walks in your life.

Love God, forgive yourself then give yourself permission to receive the kindness you have been giving everyone else. That was just a bad break. Start including yourself. Stay present in your own life. Show up. Nothing is broken. Put it on repeat and watch it become a #RealityCheck

An open love letter from my disappointed self

I want to start off by thanking you for being vunrable enough to share this letter with those that know you, are trying to understand you and those that are too scared  to admit that they are going through the same process.

Writing this will automatically mean that I have lost but that's where I come in and assure myself  that sometimes success comes even in the smallest of wins. But no one wants a petty win. For it to qualify as a win it has to have some substantial value right? See everytime I find myself  thinking this, it's my fear getting the best of me.

What of my dreams?

*pauses with balancing tears*

It's okay to not be okay sometimes.

*in almost a whisper* I can cry that disappointment away but no matter how loudly or heartedly I do it won't change the fact that I still believe in dreams.

Exactly!!!

Come rain or sunshine, morning or dawn, sunrise to sunset , the sun , moon and stars do any of those change the fact that the sky still remains the sky?

That's how loyal and faithful God has been over mylife.

When I asked, He gave me
When I didn't ask, He still provided.
When I didn't expect,  He still surprised me.

Why do I still call them disappointments when in actual sense that was my will over my life and not God.

And so I pen this open love letter from my disappointed self

Listen,
God loves you. His plans over your life surpass your dreams. Why do you walk around with your head held down with shame just because by the looks of it others are "ahead?". You will never be perfect because then you would never need God and that's why He is a jealous God. If He thought you needed "your dreams" fulfilled He would have. There's what you see for yourself then there is what God has for you. 

No one knows you better than your disappointments. Everytime we come knocking you down you always find a way to pick yourself up. You are one tough lady. Instead of walking beating yourself down because materialistically speaking you have nothing to flaunt you carry on as if you have this golden life.

Thank you for teaching me hard lessons that have molded me to be better and come out the bigger person.

I love the valuable lessons you carry with you each time as God's way of letting me that I sm getting too comfortable.

I haven't denied you of the good just because of afew bad breaks. On the contrary, the bad always comes with you good. If anything you should be thanking me because my job is to ensure you are well equipped to handle the good. 

I haven't robbed you of your dreams instead I have been preparing you from your will to usher in God's will.

You have been walking around with a heavy heart and viewing things from an ungodly perspective.

Now open your eyes and let your heart guide you to where your blessing lies.

I love you way too much to watch you ruin the greatness within you.

Now arise and shine.

Yours Loving,
You had it all figured wrong.

An open love letter from my disappointed self

I want to start off by thanking you for being vunrable enough to share this letter with those that know you, are trying to understand you and those that are too scared  to admit that they are going through the same process.

Writing this will automatically mean that I have lost but that's where I come in and assure myself  that sometimes success comes even in the smallest of wins. But no one wants a petty win. For it to qualify as a win it has to have some substantial value right? See everytime I find myself  thinking this, it's my fear getting the best of me.

What of my dreams?

*pauses with balancing tears*

It's okay to not be okay sometimes.

*in almost a whisper* I can cry that disappointment away but no matter how loudly or heartedly I do it won't change the fact that I still believe in dreams.

Exactly!!!

Come rain or sunshine, morning or dawn, sunrise to sunset , the sun , moon and stars do any of those change the fact that the sky still remains the sky?

That's how loyal and faithful God has been over mylife.

When I asked, He gave me
When I didn't ask, He still provided.
When I didn't expect,  He still surprised me.

Why do I still call them disappointments when in actual sense that was my will over my life and not God.

And so I pen this open love letter from my disappointed self

Listen,
God loves you. His plans over your life surpass your dreams. Why do you walk around with your head held down with shame just because by the looks of it others are "ahead?". You will never be perfect because then you would never need God and that's why He is a jealous God. If He thought you needed "your dreams" fulfilled He would have. There's what you see for yourself then there is what God has for you. 

No one knows you better than your disappointments. Everytime we come knocking you down you always find a way to pick yourself up. You are one tough lady. Instead of walking beating yourself down because materialistically speaking you have nothing to flaunt you carry on as if you have this golden life.

Thank you for teaching me hard lessons that have molded me to be better and come out the bigger person.

I love the valuable lessons you carry with you each time as God's way of letting me that I sm getting too comfortable.

I haven't denied you of the good just because of afew bad breaks. On the contrary, the bad always comes with you good. If anything you should be thanking me because my job is to ensure you are well equipped to handle the good. 

I haven't robbed you of your dreams instead I have been preparing you from your will to usher in God's will.

You have been walking around with a heavy heart and viewing things from an ungodly perspective.

Now open your eyes and let your heart guide you to where your blessing lies.

I love you way too much to watch you ruin the greatness within you.

Now arise and shine.

Yours Loving,
You had it all figured wrong.

Petty is very necessary

Hi,
Let me explain. You know how when you get your big break everyone wants association? Personally I wouldn’t know because am not there yet.

Now you know how no one wants association because your life is at a stand still,that is me right there.

There are two types of people. Those who only tell their story the minute they are successful and strangely me who talks about her often disappointments.

When I say petty is necessary this is what I mean. Those who will question your success and those who constantly question your slow progression. Either that was way too fast or why is it taking her so long to make money moves.

The good news is that whether you accomplish or stay the same there are people who are assigned to mold your character. If you are new you will find yourself throwing pitty parties wondering why you are not being celebrated. I have to say I am one fortunate lady who happens to not only be strong in her faith but have a very supportive small circle of people who love God beyond their flesh.

Sometimes it gets to me and I find myself acting less than smart (petty). Allow me to term people who are doubtful of you enablers and not obstacles. This far is all God and more so the necessary pettiness that broke my narrow mentality and forces me to grow up.

Like in any construction site you need a plumb bob. It’s not who walks in or out of your life but rather who you are that determines where you are destined to be. Sometimes bad things happen to good people not because they deserve unnecessary drama but like a plumb bob to streamline you . So you see, petty is very necessary.

How to deal with petty

You need to identify it first and what it represents. Sometimes you will need to ignore it and other times you will be forced to address it just to remind yourself that silence is not a sign of weakness.

Like creative criticism take it and learn from it but don’t dwell least you forget your purpose. If you don’t have a positive circle to share with, be that positive person to yourself and if bad ever turns to worse get a pen and paper and write down your thoughts: If positive keep, if negative burn it.

As much as petty is necessary,please  protect your sanity. So now evaluate your life and ask yourself this, are you the petty or are you going to use that petty  and turn it into something pretty?

Talk of a petty #RealityCheck

May I

May I,

I can’t stop you from being attracted to me because then it would mean I stop being myself which is impossible so I have decided to take it upon my honest self to state my truth. Financially,I am not even close to walking into my favorite store without having to introduce myself leave alone wanting the main designer custom make an outfit specifically for me considering we are friends like that.

That might take years which am not guaranteed by The Almighty so let me rephrase, that will take GOD to get me from admirer to ADMIRED! To all the brave young men (younger than me) stepping up to try and land a date with me. As flattered as I am, child, I have been praying for a MAN and NOT TO RAISE ONE! I have done that in the past for someone else so speaking from experience I REFUSE TO BE A STEPPING STONE.

The least I can do is encourage you indirectly with my social post least you claim I led you on. No, on the contrary, am running away. I am way too broke to be a cougar so my few coins are to ensure my survival is not as brutal as society exaggerates. I am currently working on myself figuring out what really makes me happy and what I need to improve on. So you see, am basically not putting my life on hold but living it.

I just wish and hope that these legible gentlemen out here are fixing themselves as well. You know how they say when you work on being the right man, the right woman will find you? Yeah, am not one of those right woman either reason being I will not find you. So how about we both work on each other separately then somehow if our paths are meant to cross, we will wee what happens next. Until then, am making the most of now, right now!

Speaking of #RealityCheck wow,  that was refreshing.

Still

I just got hit with the you have changed talk. You are calm, younger, healthier and happier. Don't mind if I  take in all these compliments . Again, I can't help but smile.  Are you sure you are not on drugs? Or broke up with your boyfriend because you are different? I understand what I am being told yet deep down I can't stop giggling. This was one of my resolutions this year. When you are one with your soul, you get to experience a certain level of superpower called still. Psalms 46:10  read that beautiful scripture. The son of bigfoot (movie) when his father taught him how to slow down thats when it came to him. I love animation movies though most of my family members don't understand why? Hopefully, my future husband will if not we might as well start signing those divorce papers now.

I am the happiest I have ever been this year. Thanks to so many things I have had to stop , improve on and tap into. I am still learning and looking forward to so much more if not better. Situations whereby before I would go apeshit, I have learnt the art of ignore. Truly ignorance is bliss. The only thing I am troubling myself with is, why am I doing this? Is it a want, need or luxury? On a scale of importance, how do I prioritise this?

This year, just slow down because everything you though you needed to get through life, has always been inside you but you have been chasing the wind instead of listening to it. Stay alive, love and whatever it is don't forget to make the most of every opportunity. Live each day as it comes and try as much as you can to listen to yourself.

When you stop chasing it, it stops running away. Oh, what you want rest assured is also out there wanting you back.  What you give is what you get. We serve a good and mighty God like that. You might have good intentions but that doesn't make you a good person, at the same time, most of you might come off a certain way though with questionable tendacies.

I am not here to advise anyone just stating my current #RealityCheck

Much in March

Oh the world is not ready for March. The golden possibilities that will unfold this month leaves my mind blown to such an extent I feel like going mad. Basically,  it's everything I have been talking about exceeding my expectations. I can't explain but this much I know, March is not for everyone.

It's an eye opening month. Some of you will experience the good from far but far from good moments while few of you will be taken aback by the simplicity infront of you which will turn out to be the very thing you needed to take the next step in your lives and the rest of you will have a homer simpson moment; you won't get it!

I can't explain but it will happen all too quick.

March will be one #RealityCheck no one saw coming

DM Me

I am easily inspired. Nevertheless, I always find myself holding back.

Hi stalker. We are all gifted differently. We all know of someone who has more than one social media account if you are not that person already. If you are reading this while laughing, hi, you are not alone.  Today's blog is inspired by someone who sent me a friend request on instagram. I literally want to meet this person. I am assuming it's a man, rather I am hoping to God it's a man if not which I am hardly ever wrong so help me God all I can say is ,"if it's a girl/lady , Kindly have yourself checked in a mental institution." Thank you.

So this wonderful human being went ahead and created an account to "spy" on me. It's how this person did it that stood out and got my attention. Two days to my birthday I can only imagine the conversation this person had with himself *fingers crossed* like this lady first of all is full of herself and I agree. When have I never been full of myself? Where is that emoji 😞. Have I ever tried hiding it? I will go futher and conclude that this "man" has a crush on me *fdl*. 

I don't know what's more intriguing being a brutally honest person or having a private account. I have said it before I am not that interesting atleast not on social media but in person, I am no rock star but I will rock your world ..... what a weak goof line 😂😆.  This person has taken the time to learn what I like. From one curious person to another, I am flattered and respect your one day craft but I still have to block and report your account.

Someone told me the next time you see me say hi and we will see where it goes from there. What a clown!! That was just my ego being bruised and I respected that. Unlike that human, tell you what, send me a DM and I will be sure to respond to that instead.  I am sure you are on twitter and usually get information from there so hopefully you will read this blog and stay open minded.

Just be yourself.

You have inspired this and made my day though I have to hand you a #RealityCheck

From bread crumbs to highly favored

I have a feeling God is about to change my status from *cricket sound*  to that of a fountain. From lack to plenty. From checking my account balance to owning several banks. And all the doubters and critics fall down laughing. Very good. Consider this my pre speech.

I usually refer to God as a one second kind of King.  He comes through just before I am able to process a thought. I would like to take this opportunity not to thank the people who have encouraged me but spread the encouragement to someone else out there.

So, when did I get my big break you may ask? I didn't. ...rather I haven't because it's not based on what you term as a big break. I have always had a big ego if that helps. There are those few who walk around knowing all they have to do is make that phone call and fortunately am not one of them. To me I always look at negativity as a hidden opportunity to push myself further. Sure, I have had afew yes along my journey but that didn't excite me the way being told no or worse being brushed aside gave me life. I thrive off the word no.

Wake up each day knowing no one owes you anything and only God can pay you back.  That way you will stop expecting so much from man and relying entirely on God. Please for those of you who will be in my very same shoes or even worse and feel like if only I can reach out to this lady, my life will change because in a way she understands, please don't.  This is me shedding some wisdom that as I harvest some of you will be planting. Different seasons.  Everything is a process. Where I can, I will help and where I can't understand its beyond me. Go's is trying to teach you a valuable lesson. 

I hope you use my story to stay encouraged and confident that if God came through for this what most would term as undeserving villager (as if viewing me less will stop God from blessing me) He surely will deliver you not because you are more worthy but you have earned his trust. I am a not asking you to be happy for me either but don't allow my blessing take away from the truth that I am still the same old character with the same personality with a little bit more going her.

I didn't change, I just went from bread crumbs to highly favored that's the enchanting #RealityCheck

Cheers!!!

Be the last

In a world full of lust, I just want to be the last. Being first only means you are ahead but it doesn't guarantee of getting there. It's a stepping stone but not the final destination. Excuse my God if HE intentionally takes his time when it comes to his daughter because I am not only a fragile masterpiece but an exceptional handful. When you are friends with someone there is that loyalty and trust that comes naturally so believe me when I say, I have been less of a friend because I have doubted the process and haven't represented our friendship in a humanly envious way.

There is a difference between people worrying on your behalf and them ruling you out. That's why when I walk in a room I am no longer offended when people stare. If anything, they should.   Listen, if you have to announce your arrival or make your presence known, baibee you are in the wrong room and might I add, wrong crowd. Greatness doesn't shout, it's immediately identified. It's like an electric shock. I will not even expound on that, only the wise will get it.

I am at the last stage. While everyone else is rushing to set the pace, I am taking a step back. You will not miss any detail because the true colours of people only show when the norm fails or in this special case succeeds. I would rather fail miserably than wait for the right time, day or year to end up showcasing my foolishness all in the name of fear.

As I mature, I am now aware of how important grace is and it only comes with perseverance. There are certain values one should never expect from certain individuals. If your reasoning from  then and now is no different, are we not allowed to accept that this is who you truly are and not expect more?

This year, I am embracing people as they are. Don't miss out an opportunity trying to act less than smart. If it doesn't challenge you, it won't grow you. If you don't work hard for it, you will easily give it up. Opportunities are everywhere so instead of fighting for the same old spotlight with a I will do better mentality, do what comes to you effortlessly and maybe then, you will have an audience of people who get you.

Find your rythem. God's timing is the best. Don't be in a hurry just because you are last to get in the game be it work or relationship. Why would you want to be the reason someone cries to God every night while they could be thanking him for bringing you at the last minute? What makes a movie is not how they meet in the beginning and fall madly inlove but how they fight and find a way into each others arms and lives once again.

You could have had a rough childhood but don't allow that to define your end. You can change all that because your story is not written off because the good book says the last shall be the first and the first last for many be called but few chosen.There will always be someone who will not agree with you and someone who will value your opinion.

There is nothing wrong with being last and this is my #RealityCheck.

Dear Selfish Men,

Dear Selfish Men,
It is with deep sadness that I have to write this letter because I am tired of having this conversation in my mind.  You are amazing and I both applaud and appreciate your effort but you are taken.  It takes someone who is broken and mature to embrace this ugly truth. You want me, and I want you just as bad but you are taken.

I recognise that I am living in a man's world with submission traits in me but I refuse to participate in this joke. I understand life is short but why must I end mine to better yours? Why must I put my dreams on hold to support yours?

Married men, stop that! You made a vow to God to love her yet you are out here causing her to face some serious jail time for murder knowing very well you won't leave her. Let me break it down here real quick. If you can't honour God the giver of life by keeping your word am I supposed to assume you will give me the world with your unhappy soul? If you can't make her half that happy and yet she somehow completes you and looks to you for everything after everything you have put her through do you think I will be faithful to you the minute I learn you are less of the man you come off to be? Child please!

Gentlemen in relationships, please stick to familiar and if not end it. You can have your cake and eat it too right? Baibee, am clay! Under alot of pressure I will break. Listen, we are all created differently. Not everyone is looking for happily ever after because if you did you wouldn't settle for half the deal. I refuse to move in with you until you marry me. This is not playing hard to get or having unrealistic expectations. If we both want different things that's okay but denying myself the opportunity to find someone who understands my silence and intentions doesn't necessarily mean I am naive or dumb.

I call you selfish because you either already have that happiness or have tasted it. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. I would hate to discourage you but the reality is you are not Solomon in the bible.  Fix your relationship with God first then work on your life. No feast for kiundu. If you are ashamed of your marriage I am not a shrink nor a priest. Again, go to church and have your pastor advise you on that. If you and the one on probation are constantly on this on and off relationship and you are tempted to test the waters by seeing other people while on break, I am not a game nor a stadium.  No one here is your cheerleader.  If you think what you are used to is either old or boring sir, I am ten times worse.  You think she is not trendy, I am stone age.  Don't do it. Don't gamble your life away by thinking you are missing out because in actual sense you have everything you need right infront of you. You just need to spice things up.

Selfish Men,  please make it work. If you think she is old, guess who aged her by giving her his problems and supporting you through thick and thin. If am being honest, you don't deserve her. Neither do you deserve me. I can never take over or match up her standards both good and bad. She took the time to know you.  I don't have that prestige and patience to tolerate you. When she says she understands she is secretly looking for ways to put a smile back on your frown. If I say I understand, it simply means I am looking for your replacement.

Don't start something you won't finish.

Let's allow people who are not committed a chance to be truly happy.

You are not a bad person for wanting more but you are going at it in a very self centred selfish way.

Yours sincerely,
#RealityCheck.

Everyone has their own opinion

This year I faced my biggest fear. I went to see a dermatologist after several years of self observations, trial and fails. The only reason why the thought never crossed my mind was because of HOUSE..... the series. Listen I was never to go in having whatever it is say simple menstrual pimples on my face only for the doctor to be like ,"How are you even alive?". *sarcastic side eye*

When I say I am not loyal to products I mean exactly that. I will use anything and everything as long as it is expensive and smells good. They say cleanliness is next to godliness so far that's my excuse to purchase more than I actually need. So does that mean all I have to survive on is carrots and water? *laughing it off* ofcourse not silly. Although I have to be in a serious relationship with water.

I blogged this a while back, but I don't understand influencers on social media who very well know that they are out to make quick money yet mislead naive victims like the younger me to use make up to get clearer results. What a fool I was. Such desperation . Thank God my face didn't blow up. Everyday my bestfriend keeps reminding me of that sad day I kept telling her "zinaisha " Kiswahili for "clearing."

This blog is to remind myself that no matter who says rather swears by any given product unless I have tried it on my own and I consult from a professional, I will never buy into social media hype. The same goes for the posts and pictures online. Unless I know you personally or its officially on Google "acha" that is Kikuyu a very romantic language though the word means NO in English.   *smiles*

Listen,this is my argument. If you can afford an expensive beauty product, you can sacrifice the same amount to go consult a doctor regarding the same. Don't be blinded by quick results only to suffer later on. Take time on yourself and understand your entire being. There is an important legal principle that says ,"ignorance of the law is no excuse. " I had to quote it reason being it serves as a #RealityCheck

Oh, how am I doing so far? Good things come to those who wait. It's a process and yes there is progress. Everyone has their own opinion

The ten year challenge got me thinking....

This being my birthday month, ofcourse it's a big deal considering I have so much to celebrate. The ten year challenge got me thinking. I thought I had it all figured out. It was pretty simple,  I would land a job as a stewardess, earn way more as the years progressed, fall inlove with the pilot, drift apart go back to school and study law in UK, be a well renowned criminal lawyer, become the most sort after Bachelorette , break afew hearts here and there , settle for a better male version of myself, outgrow his love, advance to becoming a judge, quit after five years then finally leave it all behind to become a relationship counsellor. So, where was God in all this?

It's good to dream heck I dream need I add daydream all the time but from the now me, the evolving, maturing because I still have so much to learn, accept and let go of, it looks like my priorities were fudged up big time. I lived life acting like God was my PA.  He had to make it happen.  So you know what He gave me instead, brokenness. He had to break me because part of growing requires humility. You don't get to choose your blessing, baby He does. It being cute and all, it would have served the wrong purpose. I now know it.

It didn't stop me from dreaming. As a matter of fact He had to get me to a point where He does entrust me for his will to be done in mylife. Getting God to trust you is like no friendship I have ever encountered. It's not for the weak at heart. I can write rather hire someone to write a book on my behalf on that alone and it would be a best seller.

I am a living testimony 2019 because those ten years have forced me to stay when all I prayed for was to leave. I have learnt so much that half the time I think I sound like a broken record repeating myself. It's not for others though, it has been a #DaddyDaughterAdventure.  Alone it's impossible. If you could have told me ten years from now I would be happily single I would have opted for the easy way out. Don't get it twisted I would be dead and forgotten.

The top lesson in mind as I blog has to be patience. I blush at the very thought of what awaits.  If this is what ten years does to my soul what of twenty more? * pauses and thinks* I will be graceful and wise beyond my years. That is a beautiful vision. I can already see myself walking at night on my well lit driveway admiring the trees with a warm shawl wrapped round me like a baby and in almost a whisper asking God, "How did we get here?" Laughter follows.

Ten years! I finally understand. When you stop chasing things and chase God instead, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF. The person you get to fall inlove with each passing day, pleased to introduce to others while learning in the process. There is nothing wrong with wanting a better life and lifestyle but it's your intentions that move God to either bring it to pass or change you for the best to come. Now that is what a call a #RealityCheck.