Well, I found it again

October was hard. 

The many times I felt so lost and confused but I kept going. It was a sieving month. Getting a balance of when to lend a hand and when to take a step back. Understanding that there is more to me than what I offer others. I come first. 

Am my own priority.

I can still be of service and embrace being sexy. I have had to tone down that feisty side for so long in a way it led me to lose my aggression arousing doubt. I can’t offer that which I don’t already have so I can’t blog unless I have experienced it. 

Well, I found it again.

I have endured so many fights for a while I shut that side of me out. You are already weird with your talents so the world won’t accept you. I have been waiting with my acceptance speech. I have since burnt it . Belonging sounds cool but very boring. So,the compliments I am looking forward to this November are as follows; 

you have changed and who are you!?. 

To my husband out there, buckle up lol 😂 because yours truly is beyond anything and everything you prayed for. I miss you, I miss us. You lucky man #LetsFallInLove Let’s love baibèé 💜 

It's your right to be happy.

And when it’s my turn to be happy, am not asking you to be happy for me.

If you are going to tell my story, start at the very beginning. Talk of how you lend me a shoulder to cry on from the many disappointments life served me. Tell them of how you called me in the middle of the night to encourage and pray with me if not for me. Tell them of how tired I grew and got yet woke up each day full of life to conquer and expectations. 

Tell them because you were there.

 If you weren’t, don’t pick pages from my story either from where I struggled the most to gain relevance and yet it won’t earn you a paycheck. Or from when things started looking up talking about who swept me off my feet and how unfair life is because finally I got my breakthrough and somehow you didn’t. When that time comes, please take it up with God. He designed this.

When it’s my time to be celebrated, learn that it can easily happen for you as well. We weren’t in competition and if we were, I most certainly wasn’t aware of it. You can’t tear others apart and expect to be applauded when life adds up for you. Hold on,KARMA will fix you baibèé

If you see others happy, let them be. Don’t be focused on others, work on yourself. Hurt people will always find a way to transfer that negative energy to others. It’s not your job to explain or understand them if they are not part of your life. 

It’s your right to be happy.

The day others will put their lives on hold to offer me happiness is the day I will return the favor. You can’t stop time and blessings. You can however learn from both.  It’s so much easier to love as opposed to hating. Ladies and gentlemen #LetsFallInLove Let’s love baibèé 💜

You have always been it

I got this lesson from a gospel song. Sometimes God delays things on purpose to glorify himself. The story of Hannah, it’s not like He didn’t know her hearts desire yet it looked as if He didn’t because He allowed that delay over her life to grant her an extraordinary son.

Delay comes with compensation. He is not holding you back just to land you something you can easily obtained on your own. Oh? God is out here to show off. Another example is Moses. Am sure he felt somehow humiliated in his own flesh way considering he had a stutter.

Am looking at it from the human perspective where greater men perhaps rolled their eyes like are you guys sure God called Moses. I mean this man is flawed. Sometimes, we always look at things from this same sad point of view as we assume if it’s of God it should work IMMEDIATELY!

So do you complain or do you obey and continue with the same energy and attitude even in absence? Long story short, there is nothing wrong with you. You just need to get rid of that victim mentality. Everything is not against you. When is it going to be my turn you keep asking?

Any day now baibèé. Hey, chin up darling. Don’t wrinkle your face with worry.I know it hasn’t been easy watching others and having waited those many years. Can I assure you something though, what is yours will come surpass everything you have ever witnessed and seen with others.

When it’s your season, the fears of getting it too late will be an illusion because it will be at the right time. Some of these people you see out here have been living off and surviving on other peoples favor. You think you don’t have it? Sweetheart, you have always been it.

God has been waiting for you to figure it out. Who you are has and will always be enough. We are all created to handle our lives individually. God knows how to take care of His own. Don’t put your life on hold trying to help others live theirs. Don’t postpone yourself sweetheart.

Jesus was placed on this earth to die for mankind so it’s not your job to save others. Lend a hand where you can sure but sacrifice your God given soul to add more life to another? How? Don’t lie to your mind like that. Live baibèé live. Be unapologetically happy. Lol and love as loud and hard as you want. What do you want? What makes you happy? What gets you to that creative side that makes you unstoppable? What sets your heart on fire? What gets you giddy? When was the last time you lived a day without worrying about others or tomorrow? Think about it.

When did you start allowing worry become your center stage? What or who got you this afraid that you have been holding yourself back hiding and burying yourself with others problems and work? When did you start feeling sorry for yourself? What led to all this? You forgot yourself. That side of you is not attractive. Not cute at all so you need a make over. Ofcourse your not the same person you were before are you kidding me. Your body has changed so let’s start from there. What do you tell yourself everytime you admire yourself in the mirror? Positivity!!!

I know I said long story short which I lied. The same way you have been lying to yourself. You have dragged and prolonged things that don’t serve you life anymore. It’s dumping season. It’s not you it’s me, finally realizing I deserve better. It’s time to choose yourself again 💯

You are going to disappoint afew mosquitoes but if it brings you peace, go for it. Trust you me, the right people will always encourage you to pursue your happiness whatever it is. Get your sparks and life back.That’s #SundaySermon so #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé this November

It’s who I am

You only get in life what you ask for. DM to me means Dive Men lol 😂. Take as many respectful risks as you can. It’s like applying for a job. Try your luck anywhere and everyone. Sometimes we worry over things that are temporary. We were created to live and enjoy life.

Don’t be too wrapped up chasing career only to look up and life passed you by. You wonder where and what happened. Your happiness should equally be a priority. What’s the need of having all that if you can’t enjoy it? I had lost that part of me. My season has just begun baibèé 💜

I lost my friend in October. He was brought into my life when I went through a very dark time in my life. I never took him for granted. He always used to share with me how he lived his life. Everytime I would miss him, I recalled his words, hey don’t feel sorry for me, I lived.

That’s why I always extend a hand even when no one asks because someone was there for me. I am carrying forward the kindness. I know what’s it’s like to be alone and have people you know/knew turn they back on you. God will bring people in your life to help you overcome pain.

Sometimes hurt people will recognizes pain even in a room full of celebration. You don’t need to explain, they can see it. So no matter how many times I tell myself I don’t care or not to care, I care even more. It’s who I am. Someone planted that seed of kindness in me.

Someone saw the pain masked behind the brave face. They taught me that’s it’s okay to hurt. Pain is strength camouflaged as cowardice. Not because they feel sorry for you but they see the silent fight and hidden struggles to hold on. They see your light. Don’t dim it.

And so, no one is feeling sorry for you. As long as you have life in you, live and live it well. Make as many memories as you can. Laugh until your head spins and love even with broken pieces. There are angels watching over you, us all so #LetsFallInLove   Let’s 💜baibèé

Until then hun

I have watched wealthy people die and there was nothing that wealth would have done to offer them a spare life or soul. The same with poor people. What they had in common was this, a fair chance to love. I will always go where my heart takes me. I will explore all possibilities.

If it’s up the mountains, watch me hike, low in the valley watch me crawl. As long as I have breath in me and a heart that beats, I will love as if it’s my first time. As if it has never loved anyone else. Who? I don’t remember. I am focused on now and this very moment.

I want to be remembered as the lady who took chances and loved. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be real. I have always wanted to meet my soulmate which I did so now am good to go. What’s next? Meeting my husband and settling down.

Something tells me I have never met him. If I did, I would have settled down right there and then. It’s like men who live with women but never want to marry them. They just know. That’s how I know I have never met my husband. Just amazing men who weren’t the one for me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. When you know it’s loud and clear. You know it without any questions and doubt. You always have those silent days where you realize damn, that’s why. Fuck!!! I just had a déjà vu. I saw myself write this years ago. I know what happens.I hate such moments when am sure. It’s a gift I struggle with. But not anymore lol 😂. My heart won’t rest until I meet my husband. I don’t know his name that’s why am referring to him as my husband. He is like a maze. If I would walk in a room and he was there, our hearts would beat as one. Only he and I would know. He has a bubbly personality rather character and when he is really happy, he has this ballroom dance. If you have ever watched Mr. Right, he has that way about him that I can’t explain. He is me perfect. He is not what I go for, he is better.

Thinking about him leaves me smiling. Am actually laughing 😂. He has his way about him that gets me. I don’t know who or where he is but I thank God for him. Am a selfish and needy lover so I will keep him to myself when I meet him. Until then hun #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

To calm me, us down

People only want to give you what’s left of them. The broken pieces for you to figure it out or fix it. Others want to hide their brokenness because they are afraid if they show you their scars, you might withdraw your loyalty and love. I am saving my best side for you.

My dear husband, I don’t know who you are or if we have ever met. For now that’s not up to me. How I value you and who you are is my greatest desire. I have been in vulnerable situations but they were all preparing me for what’s to come when it comes to you. To us.

I don’t just want to go on dates with you, I want to spend the rest of my life going on dates with you. Everything else about me might be off but always know my heart will always do and be right by you. By us. I have to get used to saying that. You and us.

I might just be overwhelmed when I meet you so allow me to share my pre feelings as I await our first hello. I only have one expectation. For my heart to recognize you even in the midst of all this confusion. For your heart to bring clarity and for this to make sense.

Listen, I only know how to be a daughter, sister, Bestfriend and girlfriend. I know how to love and serve. I don’t know how to be a fiancée leave alone a wife!!! Take it easy on me. You will have to teach me and us as you take the lead in this. I trust you with my heart.

 I have watched people fall in and out of love. We won’t be exceptional or special. All I know is you, we,will be worth it. I want to stop writing and run away but I read that if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. Am out here cursing with middle fingers up. Then I quickly remind my fears and doubt that’s how I felt the first time being someone’s bestfriend and girlfriend. It was terrifying. Now look at me, getting the hang of being a loyal bestfriend. I didn’t hack being the worlds best girlfriend yet I tried. I have experience and so much love to give. 

Oh men, this is crazy. 

So much so that I feel like am loosing my goddamn mind. I will have such times even beingn your wife. FUCK!!! The nerves are kicking in. That’s where you come in sweetheart. To calm me, us down as we learn #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

I trust my value in your life.

I understand when you do that, it’s out of your own insecurity to test me and see if I will be jealous. You want to see how I will conduct and handle the situation. Please understand am not the jealous kind yet someone before you left a scar there. It woke that insecurity in me.

Am torn between the past me because it brought back an old wound. I promised myself to always put myself first even if that means loving you enough to leave. Again that’s fear from past misunderstandings creeping in. You didn’t cause that bruise yet your actions remind me of it.

I want the best for me and in this case, you bring out the best in me. You are part of my happiness. I am torn enough to admit, realize and want to stay. I have shown you my vulnerability, so tell me babyboy, who left and what has brought back that insecurity in you? It was others before me. It’s not Njeri.

Our connection is deep enough for me to not just ignore this or downplay it. Why do you feel the need to test me? Did I behave in a manner that left you to question me or is simply because you are afraid you love me too much it’s starting to show? You want to feel like your old self again. You are incharge. In total control. I understand because I have been there as well. That's what happens when you fall inlove. You want to take some of it back.  You want to preserve and reserve yourself. How can I have and hold such a place in your heart? Perhaps it wasn’t your intention to fall but it scares you because you have been vulnerable before and it left scars on you again. Like me, you promised to put yourself first. To keep it polite and moving.

I trust you enough to know if you wanted them, you would easily access that and so much more. I am humble enough to accept your hearts decision in choosing me. 

I trust my value in your life. 

This has made me respect you more 😘. 

I am here to stay #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

No one is judging lol 😂

Am in a very good mood. It’s Saturday night. The loneliness has started to creep in and familiar habits are starting to arrive to your pity party. Let’s walk down memory lane. Right before you make that late phone call for a quick chat or entertainment for those desperate enough only tonight you have embraced your truth. It’s not a mistake but you have this arrangement. The silence of the night is not helping. You need action. You figure you have been good for a while but tonight you could sure use some company. Free or paid for. 

No one is judging lol 😂

Before “they” arrive, let’s go back to when you were really inlove. Not now when you have to keep convincing yourself you made the right choice but that one lady/gentleman you had it bad for. They were your world. Everything was about and around them. Until you broke up. Oh yeah!

When was the last time you looked someone deep in their eyes and told them that you were inlove with them. Your body doing the most shaking with excitement, anticipation and a little fear of them not saying it back or feeling the same way? I will go first ladies and gentlemen, I haven’t said it in a while. There is difference between loving someone and being inlove with someone. How about you? Anyway, back to the past. You recall the person whose opinion mattered the most? You felt and told yourself they understood you in ways no one else did. So you loved unselfishly. You gave all you could and even went further and offered more. You felt it was your obligation to be faithful, loyal and be their biggest fan if not source of inspiration. Forget how things ended between the two of you and allow me to ask you this, “Looking back at your love with the ups and downs, do you think life would have been different if the two of you ended up together?” I loved him but not enough to see a future with him. That’s the thing with love, when you have given all you can, the next thing that follows is walking out.

Looking back, there was nothing else left to do. Perhaps having invested years of knowing each other we should still be friends but sometimes certain ends are for the best. They don’t make sense then but now looking back, you do it with gratitude and humility. It was necessary.

I just thought I would share that. You can go back to your usual routine. For those of you who don’t like labels lol 😂 hook up. If you ever bump into your past and you don’t turn to see if they are checking you out, you are completely over them #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Hear me out

What I have come to understand about God, when He wants to separate you, He doesn’t do it with a loving slap on the wrist lol 😂. He ensures it hits you where it hurts the most so that when you try and mend it, there is no looking back. You are DONE DONE!!! 

Hear me out. Walk with me down memory lane or ever since the pandemic for those of you late hurts lol 😆. Welcome. Join us. It’s just dawning on you that they don’t like you like that huh! Oh well, such is life. The rest of us have been wearing such scars beautifully so will you.

OMG 😱 are you crying? Not to sound insensitive but ama need you to stop! Stop right there. I assure you sweetheart by the time God is done, those I pity myself tears will have dried out. If you start talking about something that hurt you and don’t begin with I THANK GOD, He is not done. He needs you to get to a place from where the old you would have kissed and made up to they better not try that bullshit with me. He is breaking old cycles where they had mastered how to manipulate your kindness and naivety and harden you for tougher times ahead.

So calm down and put that matchstick down. You are certainly not setting anything on fire  🔥. Not on Gods watch darling. It feels like death but thats how refining works. The latter you will be happier than the former you. They couldn’t have handled your new success. Trust me!!!

If am lying and you think am wrong or making this shit up, how many people since the hurt have reached out? *crickets* awkward silence. Zero. None. Again, convince me how miserable you are without them 😏😏😏

It’s time to break up with what God has already set on fire 🔥. I like barbecue so unless it’s that kind of smoke going up and out, that other trash burning should be a sign already. Let it go. Let it because it will be worth it in the end #LetsFallInLove  Let’s 💜 baibèé

you can almost taste his words

There are so many layers to this handsome man. There is more to him than what meets the naked eye. You could spend an eternity with him and only realize you only discovered one layer to him. The deeper you get to understand him, the sweeter and sensitive he becomes. He is a fish.

Many ladies have tried. Some pulling the victim card to wheel him in as they know he is such a gentleman and gentle soul, caring is part of him. Others have pulled the independent card as they know grown men are drawn to ladies who barely pay attention to them. 

It has worked.

For those few ladies who have earned his trust have tried to mirror him and in thinking it drew them closer, he had them figured out at hello. He is that smart. He knows on his own he is smart but sometimes the surroundings clouds his mind thus leading him to think otherwise.

He has this like hate approach when it comes to me. He likes that am free enough to embrace my gifts and share them out yet hates that he is not part of that. He has been waiting for me to do a piece on him. So today, his wish has been granted. I have known that for a while. So, I call him Mr. Evasive not because he is reckless but he has so much on his plate sometimes it overwhelms him. Yet he is not one to talk leave alone show it. He has mastered how to stay guarded thus the many layers to him. He is very polite and is always wearing a smile on his face.

Don’t let that handsome smile fool you. 

Remember he is a fish. That’s how he uses reverse psychology. He has hidden gifts that I doubt he shares or shows. Him caring is part of his character. Again, don’t let that fool you. That is his strength. He is good at reading your mind.

Oh I should know, I fell prey when I discovered it two weeks later. Not only that but he speaks silence and souls eloquently. His curiosity is what hardens those deeper layers. And when he offers you a conversation, you can almost taste his words. Suddenly, the fish disappears.

He is neither complicated nor easy to crack. He is purely human with his ups and downs. The reason for all these layers is because he has never had anyone see him the way he desires to been seen. Everyone has a system to their madness turned genius. He is no exception. So he runs.

I can blog all day and still not give you conclusive facts about him because he is imperfectly perfect. I am very careful with my words because he is not your typical gentleman. He is an old soul, well mannered and cultured yet has babyboy ways #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

I have been there. That’s how it starts

I see you are troubled and your soul is lost. Even doing the things that looked and felt familiar don’t quite do it. In a room full of people, you are lonely. With a phone full of numbers, you have no one to call. It kills you to know that you see everyone else around you but no one sees you the way you crave to be seen and heard. They listen but they don’t understand. So you start questioning. Is it that you haven’t done or given enough to earn their trust and loyalty or have you changed? There is good and bad news. 

What do you want first?

Good or bad?

The good news is that you have finally realized yourself and your worth. That’s why the familiar isn’t familiar anymore. It no longer serves it’s purpose which brings me to the bad news which are connected. You have outgrown everyone around you. You crave different people and new familiar. That’s why you are questioning yourself and not the people around you? You are the “problem” not them. Those drinking sprees don’t hit you the way they did before. They leave you feeling worse than before. If anything you start questioning your finances. 

Am I lying?

I am blogging because I have been there. That’s how it starts. You still want to maintain the friendships but the more you hang out the less than smart they appear to you. Why would you even say that? When did I become this person? Your purpose separates you from “wrong” crowds.

The more you fight and ignore it the louder the loneliness and confusion kicks in. You are always previously on lost. Those conversations feel old and jokes are outdated. Everything feels dry and you can almost feel the taste of it in your mouth. Your season with them is over.

Happy new month. 

Welcome to October. 

The people around you equally notices you are changing. Then suddenly, you all stop. The conversations die down, the hanging out and your start enjoying your own company and being drawn to certain individuals. But that’s not you, you tell yourself. So you resist the change. Going back is an option so you give it one last try as you fell out and not on a bad note. The awkwardness is mutual. Finally, you accept and it should feel bad. They were your friends. Yet it doesn’t. You feel free. You will find yourself.

As soon as you stop fighting yourself and what you already know deep down. As soon as you step out in faith and embrace your “new” tribe. Do you need to do the extra to get their attention? Finally, no! You just have to be yourself. Relax and #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

twist of sarcasm and eye contact smirk

There are people who will not recognize you when God is done with you. That’s okay baibèé because they only “want you” how they can associate you by and not who you truly are capable of ever becoming. That’s neither on them nor you. It’s just how it’s meant to be 💯.

Now this is where it gets tricky. When they try and talk down on your progress. At first you will be tempted to slap the taste right out their mouth. I will always keep it brutal with you. Honesty is the sweetest when spoken with a little twist of sarcasm and eye contact smirk 😏.

Understand they don’t know what is going on with you. They haven’t been there for you so how would they know? How do you expect them to? If anyone tries to “correct” what God is doing in your life, that’s a sign sweetheart. They aren’t meant to be in your life at all.

If someone tries to “explain” your blessings like you don’t look the way you used to when in actual sense you are looking your absolute best, smile my darling. That’s how good God got you looking. That is God for you. He will get them wondering of how fast that took for you #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

who does it for you never STOPS

The worst kind of betrayal in my own humble opinion is when physically you get what you have always wanted yet mentally your soul is elsewhere. That is headed for disaster. Eventually, the real you will come out and that is when everything changes #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Your sleeping next to them yet your heart beats for another. Constantly stalking their socials and smiling to yourself. It’s so wrong you don’t even care anymore. They are your fix. Seeing them changes your mood. You share the same frequency and at first it helped spice up your relationship. 

It was fun because your current spouse liked it and it boosted your ego but like any other junkie out there you always want more and MORE. You were careful but now you are reckless you hardly even care if they stay or leave as long as who does it for you never STOPS.

Those are not cracks baibèé, that’s a hole. Don’t ever underestimate the power of the heart. No distance or silence is great or loud enough to shut an already awakened soul. It will always find its way home. Time had you fooled but when it sets its mind up, no one can drag it.

The further away you are, the closer your hearts become. At some point people will walk out of your life because they realize that all this while they had you but they never had the one thing you openly offer someone else. That soul connection between two hearts beating as one ❤️

#KnowYourCrowd

I am my own #MondayMotivaton with my podcast the episode I did on #KnowYourCrowd see the old me would have tolerated alot of bullshit thrown my way. Just as you are living your life elsewhere is the same way I have been enjoying mine. Life didn’t stop. If anything it took off 🛫

I need men to understand this. Just because you didn’t see the value in investing your time in me doesn’t mean God has been silent in my life. I will be honest, I was sad at first but now I embrace that you not caring was a blessing in disguise. You made the BEST DECISION 💯.

You have never had it in you to ever worry about me that’s why it was easy to leave in the first place. I have never done it for you like that that’s why someone else did it for you. It wasn’t a matter of having to choose. I was never in the equation to begin with. Nasty but true

Now here is my truth. Something in me liked you and that’s why I gave you my phone number. I love communication. If we can’t communicate, I don’t see the need of wasting your soul because I will come off as if am imposing myself on you which I will never do. I give and take chances.

So when you send a text years later asking me to remember you, I will remember what you did. The chance you never took. How easy it was for you. How our lives have moved on without each other. Perhaps I craved that hi then but after knowing my crowd, I suddenly miss your silence.

No bad blood. 

To anyone else out there with my number and perhaps it’s taking tough and rough life lessons to now “reconsider” reaching out, kindly delete it. Don’t waste your FREE WhatsApp messages or 1-5 shillings worth sms. I now know my crowd #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

That’s when you know.

I have become extremely emotional. Now I understand why people I admire from afar usually tears up especially when good things happen for them. When all you have had to do was endure and put on brave faces when your world was falling apart, the joy that comes with redemption can’t be hidden 💯

The hardest part in life is teaching yourself to stay when every ounce is determined to leave. When those walls finally come crumbling down. Instead of being closed off, you finally use your words to ask and speak your truth with a smile on your face. 

That’s when you know.

God has allowed and shown me, that indeed now am ready #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé 

who or what comes in my life

I am embracing my soft side. The one I always feel the need to protect not knowing it’s my hidden strength. I am better when I smile. For the longest time pain has been my motivation to keep fighting and write yet when am happy am vulnerable enough to allow inspiration and peace in.

Am an extremely needy lover. I know they say Aquarius ladies don’t show emotions which can be true but it’s because we never get enough reasons to let our guards down. No one is willing to take the time to understand you leave alone let you be you. So like a tortoise 🐢 we hide.

You know how they say when you are loved right, baibèé when you learn to love yourself right, no one can take that power away from you because it’s from deep within yourself. You remain to be happy with or without them. You still get to be you regardless and that’s important.

I believe that’s why people don’t want to try again or fall inlove again because it took a while to be “normal” again. You can’t dictate and say you will only give half of yourself. It doesn’t work like that. Atleast not for me. I don’t know about anyone else but I have ever gotten lost in someone else’s identity. You neglect yourself in going above and beyond for the other person.

 There is compromise then there is foolishness. 

I never want to lose who I am no matter who or what comes in my life. I still get to be me #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Mixed emotions.

And that is why I love the way I love as if I have never been hurt or betrayed. I know pain. I have been in and out of pain on several occasions yet still I endured. Pain, sadness and sorrow almost robbed me of life. It took everything else like joy and years I will never get back.

There is nothing I can do to turn back time or relieve the past no matter how many times I tell myself there was more to be done. I am done being unfair to myself and those who are present willing with open arms to create memories NOW. I have had a taste of weeping.

 I choose joy

You only start living when you choose another way of life. Let the memories be just that, beautiful lessons. It took living with hatred, anger and bitterness to get me to love. I was tired of being tired cycle and nothing making sense. So one day I found myself smiling again.

I had isolated myself and now that I was done being sad I wanted different. I didn’t want to give it a name like happiness or love. It was too soon. I was lost and confused. Torn and overwhelmed. I wanted in on happy and out of sadness. 

I had to learn on my own. 

Mixed emotions.

Am here to calm those nerves. It’s perfectly normal to kinda want to go back or when someone says something that comes off as offensive which actually isn’t, you are tempted to protect yourself and crawl back to the previous pain. I assure you, that’s not the case dear. It’s fear. You are just afraid of being hurt because you know how long it took even though part of it will never heal completely. You feel as though you will never be the same again. You want to be who you were before the pain. Again, this is very normal. 

Don’t be ashamed or feel less.

Just promise yourself to never look back. Not everyone wants to see you fail, after the pain, everyone God sends your way is here to see you win. There will be a few blocks yet such is life. Don’t let that stop you either. Fulfill your purpose and love yourself. That’s it baibèé

I will finish with this, you didn’t miss your time just because you were hurting. People don’t understand the power of God. While you were hurting, He was preparing the right people to align themselves JUST IN TIME TO MAKE YOU SMILE, LAUGH AND FALL INLOVE YET AGAIN.

differently yet pain is pain

When you are done being sad, that is when your life changes. The only question that plays on repeat is will I ever be happy again? Slowly and with time. All I can tell you is this, you will get there on your own. One day you will wake up and find yourself smiling again.

The pain won’t sting as much but the scars of fear and doubt will frequent. It will be strange seeing yourself differently as worrying had taken center stage in your life for so long, it felt normal.

You won’t forget and will even feel guilty for slowly slipping away from familiar. The hardest part will be trust. Trusting yourself will be a battle between the mind and the heart. Thank God for time. It will drag itself to adopt your inadequacy and still move on for others.

We all suffer differently yet pain is pain. It leaves the usual “bad feeling” and even a glimpse of hopelessness. I say all this to comfort and assure anyone who is sad and is done being sad, the sun will still shine. You will smile again. Perhaps not soon but you,yes you darling will get a reason to believe and hope again. 

You will be presented with yet another opportunity to fall inlove again.

 This time, you won’t be the one to put in all the work. This time sweetheart, someone else will go the extra mile for you #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

I am my own inspiration

I have worked on myself this year. 

The same energy and passion I put into everyone else by delivering encouraging messages and constantly having conversations on my own made me realize I could put my effortlessly vibe into something called a podcast.

If you have ever received any of my messages you will agree that this lady can talk rather text. What can I say, it’s not only in my brain but my fingers as well. These babies can type. It comes to me as I type as am doing right now. It’s never planned or scheduled. I guess it’s a natural gift because I can’t explain how I do what I do and how exciting it makes me. I know what angle and words to choose and turn that into something meaningful. I will not term myself as a writer but I can do this all day long. 

Sometimes I have to hold myself back. 

It overwhelms me

I can have a one person conversation and not get bored. I love listening to myself and thoughts. Listening to my podcast excites me. You should see me correcting myself and laughing at my own sarcasm and jokes. I am brilliantly hilarious. 

I like myself. 

I am my own inspiration.

Everyone needs help and this year I am showing up for myself. I didn’t know I had it in me until I tried it. If you are good at something and it comes to you so easily and continuously, allow me to point it out to you that you ma’am/sir have it. So #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

I was simply “saving” myself

I am writing a heartfelt apology to everyone in my present life and future. I have been working on healing myself and unteaching my mind everything I had and have allowed it to consume especially the negativity. Ladies and gentlemen, am sorry.

I didn’t notice the opportunities around me because I was training myself on how to identify what opportunities are in the first place. When you change from it’s only meant for others to I am allowed to have that? From asking that to practicing it.Familiarizing myself to now accepting it as my own truth. I am sorry for the many times I have had to walk away from situations because I was protecting myself from either being hurt or allowing it anger me.

I was simply “saving” myself.

I have always had to defend myself so someone else offering me any kind of help made me feel weak, inferior and helpless. I need you to understand that I have had to do life all by myself and it has worked perfectly but now it is starting to overwhelming me.I don’t know how to ask for help because the minute I expect it, people somehow seem to either not show up or disappear. That left me very guarded and I ended up putting up walls again to protect myself. I am not only apologizing for taking the time and my time to recognize how to better myself by being a more consistent friend but I am so sorry for making you believe that I was ready to receive the love back though I truly wasn’t ready. I have given myself permission to love and accept again without limitations but I forgot that I too need the love back.

I have never been here to be honest. The people I was used to, were quick to take and leave that I never quite got the chance to expect or receive anything else in return. That’s why I am now more hesitant to lend a hand because having to help feels like I am dealing with someone from the past which is not the case. I am truly sorry and now that I am aware of that, am working on it as well. I am doing my very best in teaching myself how to welcome kindness back into my life. I am slowly understanding that others are very intentional in staying.

Strange but true. 

It’s exciting and confusing. 

It’s a battle between my heart and my head. It has nothing to do with you. Forging me for using this break up line but it’s not you, it’s me. I am sorry. Am not pushing you away, am just offering you my #RealityCheck

I am opening up myself to the many possibilities of now and what the future holds. I was hoping both of us could teach each other while learning from our mistakes and hopefully grow together. This is me now asking and being very intentional #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

when he says,” you are mine”.

When you allow yourself to fall inlove again, be vulnerable enough to admit you not only need but long for this new touch,hold & embrace, your heart is at home again. Your soul is very much still and at peace. Let me just talk about finding new love. Love found itself back to me

The sudden outbursts that come with jealousy. You are secure in who you are and what you bring in this relationship and why they choose to pursue and be present in every moment with you yet they can’t seem to control themselves around you. It’s when he says,” you are mine”.

That’s when you know you are not in this alone. See you have been here before and it’s not like you haven’t heard those words before but this time coming from this different person and how he assures and affirms who he is in your life is what makes this experience special.

The level of intimacy he offers your entire body without touching it scares and excites you. One glance is enough to set your heart burning with sensations you thought never existed. He is your hero, your source of inspiration by just being alive and in your life.

Dear God, what did I do to deserve such a man? That’s the only question that runs through your mind. He just doesn’t look at you, baibèé he sees through your soul and that’s what he fell inlove with. The you that no one else wanted and took for granted. He still can’t believe his luck. You are the blessing he craved, desired and had been longing for. Everyone else thought he was wasting his time but he only did so when you weren’t in his life. In him loving you, he started appreciating life more. He wakes up each passing day wondering how he will love you

He understands what every other man inlove knows, the more you give, the more you get. He didn’t realize how broken and empty he was until you said “I love you” because something in him believed it.

So,be vulnerable and open for us to finally #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

It’s your turn and time

They didn’t love you then the way they claim to see you now. They say it’s an epiphany but I say it’s all part of their hypocrisy. God woke me up with bars this Sunday morning. People change. But even after you showed them your scars, all they served you was their back. It wasn’t their fault because honestly speaking they couldn’t handle your past. You took your time to learn and understand them. No one has even taken their time to see and understand you. So you hurt yourself by denying and hiding your gifts and the love locked up inside you. 

You figure why bother. 

You gave your all and still that wasn’t enough. It was enough because in loving them right, you were teaching yourself how to accept the right love. They just weren’t the people for the job. Never regret nor apologize for what you did and gave because it made you, you

We live in a shameless world where people act as if nothing happened. Sure they learned their lessons but they just don’t recall you were their greatest teacher. It took their silence for you to discover your voice. It took a block for you to find the light, a way and your path.

They feel owed as they should.They started this but now the tables have turned. It’s your turn and time. You were left with no choice but to move forward.Where they served you sadness you were offered happiness so it’s not intentional ignoring them #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

block your heart from loving and forgiving

I have been here before. I have had someone awaken excitement in me only to leave me putting out the fire and dealing with disappointment. He played his role perfectly, that I could have sworn it was a play on stage because he had everyone applauding, all except me.

I have laughed before. I have told myself it was God when in actuality, it was just another phase carrying with it another lesson. I giggled and laughed sheepishly like a silly little girl with gleaning smiles whispering endless chuckles not caring who was or wasn’t watching.

I have cried before. I have seen myself wipe a tear or two down my cheeks. I have broken down and wailed until my face was hot, mucus running down my itching nose, head throbbing with pain to having no more tears left having cried myself to sleep. I have woken up crying some more.

But I have never seen nor witnessed God forsaken His people. I have never heard of Him turning a blind ear or eye to injustice. Everytime we call, He answers. Sometimes the way we ask because it’s in alignment with His will and yet the many times He does it His way, we win more.

So tell me, dear soul, what makes you assume everything is over when He has just began with you. Why do you worry over situations and circumstances that were here long before your birth and will remain long after your death? Why do you block your heart from loving and forgiving?

I have never been here before. My heart has never loved the way it beats and yearns for me, you and us. My lips have never tasted such beautiful words from my mouth with so much warmth and kindness. It’s so much easier to fall inlove yet again than hate #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

That’s a blessing in disguise

When your face finally matches your heart 💜. It wasn’t easy. I got it wrong so many times that I thought I would never realize what God sees in me until this morning. I saw it. I saw myself in ways I longed for. Can I share with you some knowledge that just dawned on me? Alright

The secret is finding yourself.

I believe that’s why people are determined to not just bring you down but keep you down because as long as you lose your identity, you will never ask for what you want or walk away from situations that no longer serve you the right energy. Think about it. Misery loves company. As long as you never act or dream better than me, we good. We can hang out. As long as I am incharge and you need me, you are welcome with open arms in my circle. You are good people. Allow me to just laugh at this idiocracy.

That’s just taking advantage of vulnerability. That’s when need meets a dead end. Walls on walls. That’s just need camouflaged as desperation which allows you to settle or accept what looks like a way out. To me it is long-overdue gratitude. Everything has an expiry date baibèé.

It’s the people or situations that you underestimate the most that end up surprising you. They might not come in the usual package, I mean,why would they? They would lose their purpose. That’s their hidden beauty. They are the real game changers. I really do admire the men in the Bible because they had flaws and not only that but everytime they were thrown under, baibèé they ensured they won. This is just my opinion, don’t quote me but I bet God would smile and be like that’s why I choose these men to His angels. Represent!!! Moses was a stammerer but that sure didn’t stop God. Saul went from a certified cold hearted murderer to brother Paul, changing souls. Hey,*laughing sheepishly* that’s just God being God. Then there is my sweetheart David, sorry Boaz. If there was no Boaz, there would be no David #RealityCheck

All these amazing men were underestimated. So I say to all the ladies out there, he might not look the part but at no point should you ever underestimate his strengths. He is intentionally unappealing to keep everyone else uninterested. That’s a blessing in disguise. Run with it.

To all the men out there, he who finds a good wife finds a good thing. You are not to teach her how to be a wife as she comes with the hidden gifts. And obtains favor from The Lord. If you find well, there is a reward and if you get it wrong well, #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

don’t get it and get you the way you get yourself

These basketball 🏀 lessons just keep getting better and deeper. When someone else makes it about others and not themselves, they automatically become very fascinating to me. I am drawn to such people. It makes me want to be more about them. This is who I have always been.

I laugh alot because am hilarious not because am lonely. I enjoy my own company. I am naturally funny and I giggle at my own jokes. If you have never taken time to date yourself and understand why you are who you are, you will always stay committed to get validation.

And when you meet someone amazing along the line and it doesn’t work out, you will be so mature about. You won’t be afraid to walk away from things and people you though you truly wanted. They simply don’t get it and get you the way you get yourself and it’s okay to walk away.

This season, be seen, heard and understood. Don’t just be and hang around hoping what you say, do or give is enough. Someone will speak your unspoken language fluently and they will confirm how differently special you are. Then and only then #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

To take it in. To take me in

I liked how he stared at me. He intentionally sat there to stare at me. To take it in. To take me in. It wasn’t a matter of him wanting to but it was more or less a need. A basic necessity in a way. He yearned for me. I missed that. I had forgotten how good that felt. I had lost my sense of smell but all that came back when he stood up and as he walked right past me, I smelled him. I took him in. I took all of him in. This time I took my time and I slightly shut my eyes. 

He was refreshing and awoke senses and desires I only felt with another man. I spoke of unfinished business in my previous blog. That is way over. The situation wrapped itself up. This is new adventure. I now understand why one would walk away from years of commitment for just one strange glance. The way he looked at me felt right. I had lost myself in being about others yet here was this breathtaking human who made it all about me. That's all it takes one. It could be a touch but in my case it was eye contact. 

My poetry side comes to life on two occasions. When am extremely sad and when am excited. As I write this I realize it’s as if I took my life back. I was neither living nor surviving. I was just alive for the sake of being and staying alive. Am reminded of why I took a break.

It's as if i took my time to smell the roses. He looked incredible. Something about his presence caught my undivided attention. He had me feeling like a little girl. It’s as if he saw right through my silenced romance. I haven’t felt this shy in years. I didn’t want him to leave. And he didn’t. He sat right behind me and started rocking my chair. For those of you wondering how he smelled like, divine. What my mind gathered was he is indeed an amazing lover. 

He woke something in me.

Goodness, his eyes. They had so much desire and life in them, that I was almost overwhelmed by such life. He scared me because he watched me as I was busy being myself. I was comfortable around him. What a dreamy, jaw dropping, sexy man #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

They are refining moments

You can’t offer the entire world your shoulder to lean on. That’s a lot of baggage and certain burdens are unnecessary. Am not saying I won’t lend a hand but I need the world to also understand that we are all learning our lessons differently. I am blogging and teaching today.

You know how sometimes it appears as if the grass is greener on the other side like some people have it all, it’s not the case. More money more problems and less money crazy problems. The only difference is, they get to cry in an expensive area code while you are stuck in the village. Everyone is going through it. They have just mastered a way to not let it show or overwhelm them. Especially if they have an image to maintain, they will never show it publicly but in private, they are punching themselves and breaking down in ways one can’t imagine.

There are people with men don’t cry approach and others with I can’t keep it together way of life. Expressing yourself doesn’t make you weak, it shows a sign of strength. We all need each other. Don’t be the old me. Too proud to assume you don’t need help.

When someone checks up on you, that’s God showing concern and love. Don’t push people away when they offer you a helping hand because you have always had to do it on your own before. Those rare times when you go through it silently is when you are meant to learn certain lessons on your own. Everyone has had such terrifying times. I call them God and you moments. When He makes you listen and pay attention. They are refining moments. He shows you what’s and who’s is meant to be important moving forward. Everything changes #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

A Blessed Assigned Deliberate day (BAD)

Today was a BAD day. I couldn’t bring myself to smile because my heart was troubled. I didn’t have the strength to put on a brave face, I was just tired. I was fed up with the norm. I woke up and realized that I can’t do it anymore. Today I surrendered and let go of all control.

There is a difference between giving up and giving in. I gave in. The problem with carrying everyone’s problems is the day you will start worrying about your own is when you will actually feel the weight. There are things you can’t fix and that’s where higher power comes in.

The day you will openly admit to God that you can’t do this on your own anymore is when you will have a BAD day. The day you will ask for His help is when everything in you will automatically be weary and that’s when you get a BAD day. God, I need your help = a BAD day.

God gave me a BAD day. A Blessed Assigned Deliberate day (BAD). Things aren’t running according to my plan but His. He is the boss. He needed me tired enough to surrender my I can try to His I will do and deliver. No baibèé I am not having a bad but a BAD day.

Whoever might read this, I want you to know you are not having a bad day but God loves you beyond what’s troubling you enough to give you a BAD day. You have been doing it alone but not today. He has got you and will turn the situation around to #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜baibèé

it’s unfinished business

Am nervous but excited writing this. So on Saturday’s I blog. Every morning I wake up my spirit guides me on what to write. OMG! Here goes. The second night we had a conversation, I felt it and I always carried that wonder with me if he felt it as well. I had promised myself to keep it clean and even though I honored my word, my body dealt with the consequences. 

The first time I saw him, it was like a scene from a romantic novel. It was many years ago but I remember every detail. I was standing there in the banking hall when he walked in. Good God!!!

Earlier that morning I got strict instructions by my spirit on what outfit to wear. When I saw him, it all made sense. As soon as he walked in, our eyes locked. It’s as if I was pulling him towards me. He was sexier in person. I need a moment before describing his look. My God!!

I don’t want to but I have to. He had on a pink shirt, brown belt, navy blue official pants and brown shoes. The sexual tension filled the entire banking hall. What stole the show was his red animal eyes. I wasn’t sure if he was aroused or drunk. I will never know.

I can’t bring myself to finish writing this because it's unfinished business #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Dating is scary

Dating is scary. You are attracted to someone who at some point in their life found someone else attractive. They were hoping that person was it for them. That is scary right? Come to think of it, it’s as if we are basically recycling the crap out of each other. Pick and drop 🤯

We were having our usual deep conversation with my BFF and allow me to share some of the harsh realization life throws at all of us. Imagine God has granted you 90 years of life on earth. How old are you currently? 90 minus (now). Let’s assume you are single,dating or married. I want you now to imagine the life you always wanted and with whom you thought it would be with. What happened? What changed? If life unfolded differently and you ended up with them, are you convinced the outcome would be better? Now focus on your #RealityCheck

You have done and somehow accomplished everything that was “expected of you”. As a husband/wife, father/mother and son/daughter. You have done society proud. But every night, you go to bed empty. You are the loneliest man/lady alive even in the arms of your lover. Singles be out there envying your life while married couples use you as an example of how love looks like. You have held it together for so long but now the glue is coming off. It’s not that he has been unfaithful, or she stopped being supportive but reality has caught up. You convinced yourself so many times you were doing the right thing but you committed injustice to yourself by burying your feelings and denying yourself the opportunity to be truly happy. Everything from finances to your domestic life is fine but your heart is in pieces. This is not you being ungrateful for that amazing job which paid the bills and even supported various orphanages. It’s not you waking up in a failed union from traumas of physical and mental abuse. Everything is okay, but you are not. You have nothing more to give.

You can’t throw in the towel because remember God gave you 90years to live. You might have afew diseases here and there but not enough to take you out. You are basically stuck on this beautiful earth. Who know He might just add you 10 more years. What’s your point? Good question. The biggest battle you will ever fight is with yourself. As a lady it will take me more time to get over a break up as opposed to a man or so I always assumed. Just because he doesn’t pick up the phone and call you doesn’t mean he stopped loving you. He just chose not to show it.

New relationships are exciting. The adventures and romance. It keeps you occupied for a while until the getaways are his/her way of making it up to you. Yikes!!! How many more years do you plan on overworking and over-proving yourself? How many more years do you have left? Do you even have the energy to keep up? 

Sometimes you have to know when to fight and when to stop fighting with yourself. The good news is you still have the 90year mark to achieve. Life is just getting more interesting so #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Boaz always knew

Can I preach? Can I testify? Pastor may I approach the congregation and witness the faithfulness of The Lord? I don’t have anything tangible to show or own but my heart is full. I know I sound ridiculous but I have never made more sense than I am right now. Am a verified sinner

I know I switch from spiritual to ratchet in seconds but my flesh has needs. Am as needy as they come. If it’s not the caress of a manly man, now not just any man can handle this let’s keep it 💯. Music will have to soothe my soul. Poetry stokes it sometimes but it’s not enough. Tomorrow’s sermon is dangerously good. Njeri you must be a faithful Christian? Listen, sometimes I don’t even make it in time for church. I arrive and everyone else is leaving. Service is over.I just show up to honor God. It has never been in vain. I somehow always get my word.

No one will ever ask anything of and from you unless they know you have it in you. That right there is a sermon on its own. The Bible is the most romantic book in the world. It’s hot. Let me give you a little taste of my take of this beautiful word. Let’s talk about RUTH. Let me expound on my previous statement. Naomi asked Ruth to go do her thing because she knew Ruth had it in her to DELIVER. In plain English, to do her thing. Which she did effortlessly. See what I get from all that, is that Ruth was a freak! I mean aren’t we all?

It takes two to tango. Boaz was equally a freak. As soon as Ruth showed up, that son of a woman could smell her from miles away. That's why in Ruth 2:4 And behold, Boaz came from Bethlehem and kept it polite because he was man of God. See that didn’t stop him from being a manly man. Read verse 5. You will always recognize your tribe. The little boy in him, the playful side came out when his curiosity got him asking about her because something in him knew she was exactly what he always wanted. I need to stop blogging and go drink some water because am a little turned on.

I will never get tired of repeating this. There is always someone watching. As that servant was talking Ruth up, something tells me Boaz was getting hot and bothered. It excited everything in him and if not why then in verse 8 was he all possessive and territorial? That’s foreplay for you are mine 💯. In chapter 3:8 lets me know how bad Boaz had it for Ruth. It’s just that he was a God fearing man, otherwise he would have easily had his way with her. He had been thinking about her. Why didn’t he chase her away or embarrass her. When he said she showed more kindness in the latter than in the beginning means he desired her. His entire being was yearning for her. He thought about it. He fantasized. When he woje up in the middle of the night and saw her, it brought him more satisfaction. Remember back in those days, it was all about God and wealth. Am sure the town had beautiful women both young and old who practically threw themselves at him. 

Boaz always knew. 

Am just here to confirm something to somebody out there. If they ask you to tone it down, he/she is neither Boaz nor Ruth. Both of you should be on the same page speaking the same unspoken language. Your man or woman will recognize the freak in you because it takes one to know one #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Let me explain myself sweetheart

The old me was desperate for validation. Am talking about the dancer in me who stepped on the dance floor and everyone sat there taking in the show I used to put on. I wanted to be seen. I needed to be taken seriously so I came off too advanced around people who didn’t understand my gift of dance. The ass shaking and even before twerking was a thing. Only my bestfriend can attest to this. Dance comes naturally to me. I thought to myself if I earned respect through my craft, perhaps I would fit in. The more talent I showed, the more the hate came in. 

So I stopped dancing. I hid my talent to be normal. Everytime music spoke to my body, I would refrain myself from dancing. I was accused of showing off. She is always exaggerating. Yes, that’s how they used to shut me down. I was shamed for expressing myself through dance.

It’s not on them, it’s on me. I blame myself for believing people who didn’t understand my special skills. Like I am starting to tell myself I didn’t miss out on anything or opportunities because they didn’t have my name in them. Let me explain myself sweetheart.

When you say opportunity on it means it’s temporary. It can easily be taken off and replaced. Opportunities with my name in them means even if I ignore, deny or try to run away, it’s still my blessing and eventually it will find me again. No one else can have that. Only Njeri 💯

My dance moves now are explicit. Just like my intentions and motives. They thought they were serving me a #RealityCheck oh but when that music comes on, the only conversation my body is going to be having is #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

He went all in

Whenever I feel lost or somehow confused I always turn to people who are higher and spiritually more graced for guidance. I am a curious human so I prefer international sermons, followed by afew gospel songs to water the heart and finally some deep love song to console my soul.

The Lord has brought me such a long way so forgive me if I switch from secular to gospel then ratchet music. It’s all part of my character. I am nice, nasty and wild. Sometimes I hardly keep up with myself. I don’t smoke nor drink but that won’t stop me from hanging out in such places. I have never done what’s expected of me nor have I ever done anything to achieve applause so trust me, I never will. Don’t hold your breath honey, it’s never going to happen. Trust you me, it’s not me. What was my point in writing this? Oh yes, this is the fun part.

There was this certain gentleman who was an awful kisser. Am so sorry but goddamnit I can’t lie. That’s just but besides the point. He was such a sweetheart. This one had it bad for me though at first I hadn’t figured that out. We were casually playing basketball then he went off on me. We never got along so the only thing  we had in common was basketball. We were playing a one-on-one which I won then he suddenly stopped and that was the first time I really paid attention to him. I figured he was a sore loser but it was deeper than that. He went all in.

Am not a doctor but I always have prognosis. At first I though it was bipolar but then I was terrified because the angrier he got the louder he became. I froze. To run or not to run. To scream or punch him in the face with spalding? I have never been a coward so I stood there and like the twisted Aquarius I am agitated him further. You really are annoying you know that was his first remark. God you are a nuisance. I can’t stand you. I brushed it off and I was about to leave, he stopped me and made listen. You are not leaving until am done.

His insults came in one after the other and what bothered me was he said it with a smile on his face. Long story short, just as he was about to conclude he let out a cry I will never forget. It’s a point of no return. It’s a helpless state. You still don’t realize do you? That’s when he confessed that he had fallen inlove with me. I write all this not to bring back the past but some memories are not all that bad. Fast forward to now. My heart can hear that cry even in silence as it’s familiar and I will leave it at that #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Meeting his friends

Meeting his friends. I am talking about new love ❤️. As an Aquarius lady, my bestfriend is not just my friend but she is my baby sister. That right there is family. We have worked hard putting respect, trust and loyalty on it for years. I am polite but am not friendly. Let’s talk

With a certain age and maturity I need you to understand that you can’t have those many friends. Some could be colleagues, business encounters, hopeful investors but what I will not accept is him having over fifty “friends” and wanting to hang out with all of them. Can I elaborate?

What that tells me is he has something everyone there wants. It’s my job to find out what and why. C’mon now, he ain’t that famous. If so, those are fans honey. When was the last time any of them offered to pay the bill? Take your time. Think about it. Don’t worry I will wait.

You can’t brand “them” as family or friends yet they are just taking advantage of your generosity. Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you go around spending or giving it away. Forget finances, do they even check up on you like on a regular to see if you are okay?

I am very opinionated and sarcastic yet inbetween for those who know me, know there is a truth in that. There are people who thrive and feed off crowds but they can never be alone. 

Who are you when the spotlight is not on you? 

Am interested to meet the people if am being honest the person who knows the real you. The one who has seen you at your worst weakness, break down in sadness. The one who has held your hand and prayed with you. The one who doesn’t applaud you yet lovingly corrects and celebrats. That’s the one I want to meet #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

the clearer things are becoming

Sometimes you have to look beyond. It’s like the weather right now. The fog got me feeling all sorts of ways. Cancel all your plans and stay indoors. It’s not safe. The minute I leave, the clearer things are becoming. I would have missed out on an opportunity simply because it’s different. I used to be skeptical everytime someone would say, it’s not what it seems. Imagine it’s not as bad as my mind made me believe. Don’t quote me because all I said was sometimes. Njeri said I should give you a chance because you are different. Now that’s foolishness.

As a matter of fact, there are situations and people you need to stop serving the silent treatment because they are assuming you are applying the tough love method. Please call or text them and keep it 💯. Don’t be mean or rude but hold your ground and be firm about it. If it’s someone has your betrayed your trust, be civil about it. Hey, you did this and that and it didn’t sit well with me and because of that, you and I can’t hang out. If they try and give you an explanation, don’t pay any attention to them. That fool should have been smart enough to be loyal to you. Remember you are here to end things not start a daycare. Two things that pretenders and habitual liars hate is being called out on their bullshit. Listen, you can’t be friends with everyone. You are not here to liked, darling you are here to be loved and adored.

It’s going to feel and look like the end of a good era but trust me, it’s just the beginning of your best life yet. They will try and paint you bad plus it’s not going to be easy but don’t back the fuck down. Don’t be intimidated nor fear. So now #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Focus on what’s further ahead

That was a beautiful game. Well played to the team I was supporting. Was the win well earned, I am keeping my comments to myself. My lips are sealed. You ain’t getting a comment from me. It’s all in my reaction. I love basketball 🏀. I am a fan 💜. I am loyal to who I want to be.

I stopped being in my feelings the day I realized I hold on to shit for so long yet the “other party” doesn’t give a flying fuck about it. Are they miserable at home wondering and thinking about me, the fuck not. So who is the crazy one here? I am. Let that bullshit go. Let it go.

Not just in basketball but even in real life. You are wasting good thoughts on people who don’t even know you and probably don’t deserve you, expecting them to care yet they don’t. How is that their problem? Why is it your problem? How are they your problem? Take a chill pill.

Stop that madness and listen to me sweetheart. There are people who will not recognize your worth and that shouldn’t stop you from caring just not about them. Be in the moment, count your losses and keep stepping.Move.Focus on what’s further ahead #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

What are they teaching you?

I believe everyone in your life is preparing you for what awaits. If you are currently dealing with someone who is abusive, that’s not God darling. Leave. Don’t make excuses, pack your shit and run for your life. Think about it this way, you are home yet you are scared to be home

The one place you automatically have rather receive unspoken peace scares you to death just thinking about it. Being physically there makes you want to pee your grown self. Now, I will ask you again, do you think that’s normal and should anyone ever live with and in such fear?

Why are you punishing yourself when you could be free doing less or more? You can and will be someone’s first choice and guess what, you shouldn’t have to be the one to point it out. They are out there. Good ladies and men who have had heartbreaking experiences but still haven’t given up on love exist. They just don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves anymore. But then again, they are open. They are willing and some of them are putting themselves out there. You know how they say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, you weren’t trash. Never will be.

They just didn’t know what to do with all that love you were offering. They attempted to speak your language but they never quite understood you so you kept having really high moments and the low ones took the both of you out. You had to go your separate ways.

It was for your own good. They set you free. Take account of everyone else in your life. What are they teaching you? What are they preparing you for? What they do for you naturally is what is meant rather is a part of the puzzle of what’s coming #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

I was born to submit

This is my personal view when it comes to submission as a lady. My dad is like a little boy whenever my mum walk in the room. Trying to get her undivided attention, playful in their own weird grown way. My dad is inlove with my mum.

He not only loves her but is inlove hopelessly, madly, deeply and selflessly inlove with her. The way he stares lovingly at her when she is being sarcastic and laughs at her jokes excitingly like she is a real life comedian. He adores her. You can tell life is when she is around.

She is his world. He doesn’t try to hide it. These two are soulmates. One cannot survive without the other because together they have this powerful force that creates magic and beauty in everything they touch and breathe into. Ladies and gentlemen, I know what love is.

It’s the way she submits to him. The way she makes him feel and treats him like a king even if all he brings or offers her is bread and meat. She will sing praises of how he provides for her and takes the time to think of not coming home empty handed and thanks him endlessly.

My mum is a very smart woman. See to anyone else it’s just bread and meat. But in stroking his ego and showing him that he always provides let’s him know she is satisfied. He does it for her. He got her locked in. So next time he goes shopping he will bring with him more to get a louder applause. It’s amazing how as ladies we already have a God given gift yet we have made ourselves believe we don’t have it. If you just take a minute and instead of cursing and rebuking that man, speak life and encouragement, it would yield more and better results.

Baibèé you ain’t got to ask me twice. I was born to submit. I may not be eloquent but I speak men fluently. First you have to understand what kind of man you are dealing with. Serving is who I am and I do it with a smile too. Yes I am submissive #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

That’s sad. It’s not attractive

I have discovered that if a certain gentleman I am attracted to happens to be on social media especially Instagram, am immediately turned off. Don’t post pictures of yourself in the office. So either you are posing to prove you actually own a job or posing from a former job.

I am not against you liking ladies pictures, hey knock yourself out. Something at the back of my mind alerts me. Let’s be honest, you didn’t like the outfit, you liked the entire package. You might be a man of the people but you can’t have every lady you come across.

You can’t have everything on the menu. You might be constipated or suffer from severe diarrhea. Explore your options and discover your sexuality thoroughly. Just don’t expect to impose who you are on me. At your age, you are still sleeping around. That’s sad. It’s not attractive.

At some point of my admiration, the second week in me liking you, I will wonder why you are on social media. Clearly it’s not work related so that answer in itself makes you less attractive to me and in return I will be so irritated that I will be the one to leave that platform.

Think about it. That’s why it’s called my life. It’s all in the mind. It’s neither a guy or lady thing. It’s like employment. Don’t be arrogant to assume if they need you, they will call you yet they don’t know you exist. Look for what you want #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

you stopped being loyal

Not all people leave you for greener pastures. They leave because you stopped being loyal. Can we be adults here. Yesterday my bestie made me cry with this reality. I am always there for others. I always drop whatever am doing to come in and save the day yet no one appreciates me.

I was raised a warrior but even the strongest of people need help sometimes. That’s the problem right there, having to ask for help because I have never waited or depended on anyone to hold my hand or come in and save the day. I have had to survive, adopt survival skills.

Showing and offering kindness is not a sign of weakness. Anyone who has ever been kind to you is the most dangerous human being alive. They will always have an advantage before God. That is a selfless creature and in my humble opinion, that’s an Angel. Let me ask you this, “how do they always know what you need and exactly when you really need it?” The people closest to you know you in and out yet they never offer you such comfort and rescue moments. Why is that? When you really need it, they show up. Do you think that’s normal?

I have always made it clear, I will never be anything you want me to be, I create my own rhythm. I will never give up on my big dreams to try and fit in your small world. I may be doing the Lords work but I will never turn the other cheek. These cheeks were meant to be taken in 😊

So whether you appreciate me or not, I will always do my job. I have my promise to keep to God and not you. Eventually I always get to hear that I finally showed my ass. If I gave you a taste of mean, you wouldn’t make it to noon without a mental breakdown.

Don’t ever mistake kindness for weakness because I can be hell on earth. I choose not to because I have plenty of big dreams to accomplish for myself and others out there. I like looking back at the great men in the Bible who God used to impact others. They were warriors as well.

Majority of those leaving your life are the parasites who are done feeding off you and are on to their next host. Those few who always kept it 💯 leave because you stopped being loyal. Work on your loyalty ladies and gentlemen #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Folks, it is what it is.

It’s amazing how as human beings we are quick to celebrate wins. Now that the KCSE results are out, every parent in Kenya is having the typical eye roll. Everyone else is the nosy relative who never offered to pay the school fees but then wants to air their opinion. Here we go.

I have been there. The awkward candidate who feels like I have let my parents down. I swear I did my best but then again as any parent would argue out, the results show it all. They can’t be wrong. They certainly can’t have been tampered with. Reducing your child to a result slip. I couldn’t help but overhear this concerned parent who was rather loud talking of how they overfed their son that’s why he performed so poorly. Then came words that still haunt me to date. I expected better! I understand where he is coming from but I felt bad not just for his son but him. No child should ever be humiliated over things that are beyond them. This is where I throw in the ugly truth. Folks, it is what it is. I couldn’t look this man in the eyes because his tone told of his disappointment. He had given his all and now there is nothing left to do. Then I quickly imagined how frustrated and hurt his son must be feeling. Parents think children don’t know but surely with your DNA, trust me we always know when you are proud and disappointed by us. What broke me was knowing his father had given up on him. He had quit on him.

Has it ever occurred to the human brain there is a reason why we have different grades and positions in the work environment.We all can’t be kings and queens. We can’t have everyone attaining A’s. Someone has to “fail”. Is it really failure? This is my specialty. It’s not the end.

Let’s place the hard facts on the table. You are not the smartest boy/girl in the room. The results are out. Let’s agree on that. Books are not your thing. You are intelligent just not with books. Atleast for those four (4) years you learned something about yourself. Right? However, that wasn’t wasted school fees. For those parents who are tempted to throw that defense card to try and console themselves, no mum and dad, offering your child/children an education is not a waste of money or time. It’s not on you anymore. What’s done is done. Thank you.

Let’s focus on the “victim” the child. Did he or she fail you or were you as a parent having high expectations knowing with the report cards what they were preparing you for. They made an effort. Or perhaps they didn’t and them wanting to please you got them nervous and shit. All I ask, is this. Don’t play the comparison game with one another. Parents, don’t compare you babies with those who performed better. Babies, don’t allow this result hold you back. There is still hope. 

Not with those results. 

Bullshit! 

Life has just began. 

Let’s work with now.

So, you are not book smart, you know what that means, you are street smart. How times have changed. I wish parents would encourage their kids to pursue their dreams. What they are really good at and not what looks good on paper and to others. To be individuals, unstoppable.

For those who performed well congratulations, you deserve to be celebrated. For those who did poorly, you deserve to be celebrated as well for not dropping out, beating the odds and making it this far. So much more awaits out here. The funny thing about life as I conclude is this. Life isn’t fair. It’s up to you to live according to how fair you want it to be. You can either wallow or make something better out of all this. There are two types of businessmen and women out there. Those with A’s and those who “failed”. That didn’t stop either of them from achieving success. 

I wish you all the very best but most importantly don’t forget to be kind not only with those around you but yourselves first. You deserve to be your own greatest fan. 

Stay safe and God bless you all as you #FallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé with this new opportunities and life ahead.

Then but not now

I didn’t know what to expect going into this week. I was hopeful obviously but I was done being scared of the unknown. For someone who likes rather is used to knowing things, God forced me to blindly trust His will over my life. It’s just dawning on me right this minute.

I worry even when am not supposed to worry I find my soul buried in worry over the  people I care about. It bothers me more because I see the future as clear as day and it not happening sooner only frustrates me on their behalf. Sometimes I feel like lending them my eyes and heart.

Falling inlove with myself again is the hardest yet most fulfilling thing I have come to appreciate in life. Learning how to go out of my way for myself the same way I do for others has been humbling. I am hard to love and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That makes me worth it.

I have come to realize that I have been unfair to myself. It’s okay to be guarded but not everyone is out here to get me. I have always had this I need to leave before anyone can ever hurt me wall brought about by past disappointments. Am always running away leaving me empty. To avoid being a burden and bother, I instantly became independent. I don’t want anyone doing me any “favors”. I don’t need pity or sympathy either. That’s how I wired my mind. Having to ask for anything was my greatest fear. So I became too defensive altogether. 

It did the job.

Then but not now. 

This week I have been forced to shred all that. I can’t recognize myself. I no longer have to feel like I need to save the day by being strong for everyone else, I can just be Njeri and that’s more than enough. Actually, that’s what makes me more enchanting.

I am very emotional writing this. I really missed me. If am here, I have earned the right to be not because I was determined and strong about it but I am meant to uncover all this about myself. 

Love has finally brought me back to who I truly am #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Less is more

Last day of April. I know we all want to make headlines and buzz worthy changes but sometimes those “slow” and “hidden” wins matter more. You don’t need everyone celebrating you. You don’t even need to announce your presence especially in the middle of this storm.

This is the last day of April. I emphasize because I want to remind you of two things. April is over yet you are still here. The pandemic 😷 is loudly present with us, but we are still here. Things are moving and changing but despite it all, it’s not the last of you.

You being alive is an enough win. You being healthy is worthy of a celebration. You surviving this pandemic in all honesty is a headline on its own. I have become more appreciative of the proverbs and saying. We are constantly chasing more yet less is more. Let me expound.

The less you worry, the more clearly you see things. The more friends and crowds you attract, the less you have time for yourself and lose sight of what’s really important. The more frustrated you are, the less you learn. See even when you think you aren’t winning, you actually are. Then again, you can’t keep the same crowd and expect to grow. Where is the challenge and lessons in that? Tough times show you people’s true colors. No surprise there. It should be expected. It was about time if you ask me.

If people have turned their back on you so far, congratulations!!! I celebrate you. You have learned the less is more valuable lesson. You may have needed them then, but you don’t need them now. You think you do but you don’t. You will come to realize they have been feeding off you more than you initially thought. They liked what you had and not who you are. Some of these people allow me to use this harsh term but they are parasites in disguise. In Agriculture I appreciate the various stages in a cattle dip.

If you have been experiencing the same thing in different seasons, it could be the “dead weight” around you. You can’t be the problem because you keep coming up with these brilliant ideas but the same old people you have been dragging along could be costing you. Liabilities!!!

Njeri you are mean. 

I am not.I evaluate every situation from all angles.Five (5) minutes in looking deep into those eyes that lead to your soul tells me everything I need to know. I need to see the fight in you and not in you showing me but in me just looking at you. I will know

When you know who you are, you will not allow others to waste your time. Stop selling yourself short. The right people will show up. You can’t keep making forward movements by going back to get approval from the past. Thank them and move on #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

We are living in rare times

Take as much time as you want but on those rare occasions, you might just come back and find people have moved on. Not because they weren’t loyal enough to wait, but something or someone better caught their attention and both of them where headed in the same direction.

Don’t get comfortable thinking you are irreplaceable. You have put in the work and no one can deny the continuous wins you pull game after game , project after project or relationship efforts and gestures time and again. Until someone with better skills and humility shows up.

We are living in rare times. Hopefully what you offer is good enough to earn you a permanent place in people lives or get you to where you are intended to be. Like I always say, it can’t be about you from January to December. Somewhere along the line, unless you are consistent, you will stop doing and bring IT for people. Not because they are jealous of your achievements but have you ever met different without even searching. Has it ever been presented to you and it changed your life in seconds. What you had was amazing until spectacular shows up.

It’s not about beauty or money but effort rubs off on you waking urges you never thought existed. When you are in sync with something or someone it changes your perspective altogether. You just know and it starts feeling right #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

Refuse to give up on yourself

Life starts when you stop postponing what you want and could do now for later. Am purchasing this outfit for the perfect date, will not wear my favorite sneakers because it’s raining and will one day put myself out there. One has 24 hours and am about to utilize every single hour dedicating it to God, myself and others. 

Meditating on the word to enrich my faith, love the crap out of myself by doing whatever I want to do responsibly and respectively with humility, confidence, purpose, determination, passion and love. Take the time to check in and up on friends and family. Trying to put a smile on strangers faces by offering words of encouragement. Sometimes you can be so caught up and wrapped up in admiring others which isn’t wrong but let me ask you this, who is admiring you back? 

Be all about you this time. 

Be selfish and that same energy you use refreshing that page to see if there is a new post, get a picture of yourself and love on yourself like you have been paid to zoom in and stare in awe. Fuck am fine. You don’t know how empowering and empowered you become when you love everything about you

Refuse to give up on yourself. 

Go wear that dress or suit and walk around the house in it. You are sexy!Start prioritizing yourself for a change. Yes, you will lend a hand where you can but you will not sell your soul to try and please them either #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

who you are is still alive

I don’t know about anyone else but I have had a Sarah moment. In the Bible in case you were wondering. Where you have allowed less than smart decisions by “doing what you think is right” which ends up being an issue because what you initially want took too long. That is a sermon

If you have never had to wait for something or anything in life, roll your eyes and walk away. Proceed with your fabulous life. I celebrate parents at this point in life because they are the only people who keep believing in you and your dreams years later when you have given up.

Now the Sarah part comes in when two years down the line or more you meet or someone happens to mention either your dream or what you want and you burst out laughing. It took way too long so now it’s a joke. It’s hilarious. Thinking about it is ridiculous. It’s old news.

Where are all the real people at? The ones who know what am blogging about. The I would care less if it happened. I went from excited, disappointed to not giving a damn. Don’t get me wrong, if it was offered to me I would take it but I wouldn’t dwell on it. I already got used. The if I have or don’t ever get it, am practically fine and okay with it. Society calls you stuck and stagnant but I call you and myself included the life hackers. You have learned how to survive so much so that you don’t make a move unless it’s important. You always think twice. I have been in the laughing stage where I would laugh at myself. Am such a dreamer. Who am I kidding? I have smack talked myself gone all in and hard but I always end up thinking and feeling as I did before. Giving in or up is not an option. It might take  more out of me. Still!!

No one can talk you out of dreaming. They can try to discourage it but as soon as you are all alone, baibèé here comes those dreams. Am not here to encourage you and tell you it gets better nor discourage you that it gets worse although it does, today allow me to just join you.

Wherever you are. Am here. Am not here for you but am here. By the door. Not worried nor concerned about you but am still here. You do what you want. Talk or laugh it out, listen, do what’s best for you. The only thing I will ask is this,”Do you still have those dreams?” If not, carry on. You found your way. But if you still get excited/sigh from those on and off dreams, you have a long way to go. 

You can lie and silence those voices in your head but who you are is still alive underneath all those stuck and stagnant years #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

True love is not easy.

You don’t have to be raised in a broken home for you to be broken. I was born in a loving family where I still watch my parents acting like horny teenagers. My dad tickling my mum and her threatening to beat his ass like senior citizens, what’s going on here folks? Still, I was broken. I don’t know anything about being an only child which I am not, but the more siblings you have the less the attention. Due to the age difference, they don’t quite understand what and why I would carry myself in a bothered way. So I stayed quiet and chose to rebel.

My parents are the best hands down. They did an impeccable job with the little they had. They provided anything and everything that they could afford but emotionally, I grew up empty. In a house full of people, I was lonely and so alone that I would cry myself to sleep.

That affected the way I would conduct myself in relationships. I would give others too much and less to myself. All that mattered was their happiness. I interpreted what I learned from my parents wrong because I was from a place of brokenness. It took me a while to unlearn what I taught myself and heal from that place of lack to now fully apply that to a complete me. Not everyone who is single is lonely I know that now because I am alone because I know what being inlove looks and feels like. I am inlove with myself and thanks to my folks, I know true love.

My parents are the real definition of the notebook. One cannot live without the other. The way they love each other feels like a soap opera. They not only have their own language, these ones have their own world. They balance each other out beautifully. If God can offer me a quarter of that with my soulmate, I can leave this life a happy fulfilled lady. 

True love is not easy. 

It’s a fucking job. 

It’s worth it in the end. 

That’s what I look forward to, that fucking job. It’s not going to be easy but if it’s true love #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé

get to the bottom of it all

I am not asking you to look for the person who hurt or did you wrong and expect closure or for them to recognize their mistakes. This beautiful Good Friday, am asking you to have a silent moment and remember who you were before you got where you are right now. Right before it all, who were you? You have wasted time thinking, overthinking and dwelling in the hurt place for far too long. It’s time to heal yourself. It’s time to forgive not just them but yourself. You have been blocking your own blessings by comparing directly and indirectly any form of happiness that shows up in your life. Thoughts of not feeling good enough. Assuming everyone else deserves it but you don’t. No one was born to suffer and no one deserves misery as a reward of life. 

So this PASAKA (Easter) I pray you finally get to the bottom of it all. For you to release years of disappointments, discouragements, failures and most importantly pain. Your pain has been overwhelming and overshadowing your blessings, breakthroughs and miracles. It’s time to smile, laugh and love again. The view is better at the top. Trust me, I know. You have stayed down for so long. It shouldn’t have taken months leave alone years to finally walk away or figure you are more than your circumstances. I guess it was necessary but it all ends right here and right now. No more surviving on breadcrumbs when you can own the entire bakery. No more regrets. What is meant for you can’t have it’s place with anyone else. Who you are meant to become can only be delayed but can’t be stopped. 

You might be tempted to complain and say it’s taking way too long to get there or see results. Well and good. It means you will require so much patience and grace to not only get there but be in the present moment as well. It’s not just accomplishing, it’s about becoming the person who you were destined to be. You will learn and appreciate the process, value and price it costed you. It won’t just be a job, it will

be your passion and purpose. You can’t expect love of you walk around with hate in your words and actions. You have to learn how to speak to yourself the same way you address others. Stop speaking down on everyone around you because that same energy comes back to you worse.

If you want kindness show it. Mercy, offer it. Generosity, give it. Love, give it. There is so much to live for and life has way more to offer than what you tell, give and show yourself. Don’t waste the sacrifice Jesus made this PASAKA (Easter). There are things you need to bury and lay to rest. Leave them in the grave. You can’t control everything but you can choose the direction of your life from now henceforth. I don’t care and it doesn’t matter what you did yesterday, it’s all gone and never coming back again. What say you today? 

What are you willing to embrace today?

I wasn’t even planning on blogging. This is how refreshing God got me. It’s time to forgive. You can’t take back those spoken words but from my experience, you can speak over life over those already spoken words. It’s not the end and it’s never too late or over.

Where there is a will, there is always a way. This is the beginning of a new chapter. Start over with a clean slate. If they happen to remind you of your past, ask them to try and keep up with the new you if they can. It’s not your job to explain, it’s your job to live your life.

Let go of the guilt. What was done was done. End of story. If they try and rub in the hurt tell them Njeri said it was necessary but that’s not you anymore. You owe it to yourself to atleast try living a different and better life. So I say #LetsFallInLove Let’s 💜 baibèé