2016 summary

As we bid 2016 goodbye let me start off by thanking God for being God over this great nation and an amazing father to me. He has watched me make mistakes and so lovingly corrected me. He has listened to my cries, prayers and shenanigans. He has been patient and so gently guided my paths. His will was done. For every heartbreak, pain and loss dear God I thank you. For each new day,  gain and win Father I humbly thank you.

I would like to thank my bestfriend for keeping a #RealityCheck on me regardless of whether I needed to hear it or not. Girl, you rock as always. I would like to thank my family for being crazy because without you I would not have a voice or an opinion. I would like to thank the people I met along the way and have become good friends and thank those strong enough to leave mylife with lessons to take with me as I journey through.

2016 was my year as I have testified and will live to testify. Damn it feels so good to have a breakthrough when you have been broken down for a while. I got answers to my questions. My biggest accomplishment was not getting a paycheck although I worked hard for it but it was God restoring me. When God came through for me when I needed him before, during,  then and even now, He answered.

I apologise if I didn't live up to societies expectations but it wasn't about my status or what I brought to the table rather it was about what God was bringing to my table. He prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. When you experience God's presence baby you stop complaining and you start explaining to those going through the same or worse situations that God has got this. He has your back.

I have learnt that when you let God fight your battles, darling He leaves you speechlessly inlove.
When your life is silent, God is talking on your behalf. When you sit, God stands up to your mountains and commands them to move. When you humble yourself , He honors you. When you are loyal to your faith in God, He does marvellous wonders.

My wait has paid off in ways the naked human eyes cannot see. I have been rewarded with peace , joy and happiness that makes me understand that I have never been alone. God never left my side, I was just in a hurry to get the promises He made me.

True victory is when you meet with those who hurt you and still show them love and walk away smiling. It shows it stopped being about them and about who you became when they left.

I Can Only Hope

I would text and tell you that I miss you but then I would only end up disappointed if you didn't text back. By now you must be used to my cheap act and secretly as annoying as it is I pray it's a turn on ... I can only hope. 

Don't think that I don't pay attention. I act busy truth be told but we both know am one hard working lady but sometimes I just use work as an excuse to not be disappointed. Am married to my work, I don't have time to date , am just figuring things out, am at the peak of my career , next month, next year , I will make time I promise. Those are some of the excuses I have used and still use as well as so many independent ladies out there. 

When you read this, you will assume it's you or someone else. Maybe, maybe not. You do try sometimes and others times if am being honest you come off as blind as a bat. I know of ladies who can share this blog because somehow its everything they always wanted to air but wondered how. We all work so hard to provide and have just enough to give back but Christmas or rather the festive season has a way of making us go and admit to things we don't often talk about. 

We are all scared of being vulnerable enough to say rather ask for what we really want. No one wants rejection so no one is willing to take a leap of faith into the unknown. This Christmas I wish all my readers the courage to walk away from what if and start walking towards what is. May God grant you enough strength to receive as much as you give. It's not selfish to expect or love when others are hurting. For those of you putting your lives on hold, life is about experiencing and making mistakes and learning from them. 

To everyone who has made an effort to change in a positive way, someone sees it even though they might not walk right up to you and applaud you. To those who have closed their hearts from pain and loving again, you can't unteach the heart what it already knows. To those terrified of change, a day like this last year you said the same thing but if we check your records we'll let's not even go there. 

Life is short because we assume there is always going to be tomorrow or another chance to live , makes things right or progress. Let's start shedding happy tears celebrating each other's success. Above all let's get our priorities straight by putting God first in our lives and allowing his will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptations but deliver us from evil. 

Dear Heart, "Are you happy and if not who makes you happy?" And that is my #RealityCheck 

Seasons greetings checkmates!

Focus On Now

Self motivation is hard especially if you are the creative kind. Every now and then we want to feel encouraged not necessarily by the good book *bible* or people who have been there but a different kind of inspiration. 

Men and women of God are good for the spiritual fulfillment but sometimes even when you don't want to admit it, you want that emotional touch if not a financial miracle. 

Now that we are in the festive season there is so much to work and deal with. The most affected areas during this time of the year are the emotional and financial aspects. They both drain you directly and indirectly. I don't know about you but I want to shop until I drop. The only question I want to be asked is; "Ma'am how may I serve you?"

I want to save and reward myself both at the same time. So I am coming up with a budget that I will hopefully stick to. Forget New Years resolutions am focusing on now. I will work with what I have and not what I hoped to have and see if I can make a #RealityCheck out of it. 

Sounds crazy doesn't it? Well if it wasn't, I wouldn't be the lady for the job so let me work on it and let you know how it unfolds. 

Seasons greatings checkmates 

My testimony. .. My One Day

Anyone who knows me knows that there is nothing rushed about my faith. I am a fool for God. Now don't think that just because I am a believer or Christian it guarantees that I will abandon my faith and live life the way society wants. I am a rebellious and ratchet fool who will show up minutes later but will get the job done.

Where do I begin? Have you ever lowered your standards just to fit in the humble cycle? To just belong for a season see how life is like from that 'humble' perspective? I did that mistake but knowing myself it wasn't a mistake but a learning experience. I went for something I didn't want but the mistake was I prayed and asked God to give me the grace for it. Listen, don't weigh God down with your downgrades EVER. I should have prayed for world peace but having a stubborn spirit I wanted God to break any better mentality I may or might have adopted along the way.

I also asked for clarity. Have you ever found yourself in a routine? You wake up motivated only to come back at the end of the day previously on lost. As though your life has no purpose that is how my bestfriend would put it. She is very wise. To me clarity comes with sight so your eyes and heart are the victims of what your mind is feeding you. By that I mean, for your eyesight to be clear you will need to get rid of the impurities by shedding afew tears every now and then. You have got to admire how I cover up my way of showing my emotions with such poetry.

By now you should know I am talking about two stories and this is the third one. The reason why I insist that my bestfriend is the second most wisest lady on the face of the universe is because she taught me how loving God is a priceless investment. You know how you can be so broke am not talking about being temporarily out of money but you only have life which is free but if it wasn't, you wouldn't afford it. I am talking about where you don't start prayers with Our Father Who but rather Oh God Why? Everything looks like a punishment. Have you ever been broken and desperate in prayer that you found yourself demanding then negotiating with God. You start off strong praising and adoring him then you sleep, wake up in tears screaming until you black out then you find yourself whispering God let your will be done at the very end. If you have never gone to such extremes you have never wanted it bad enough.

I was taught the art of tithing and giving. At first it was hard. I mean I was unemployed for a while then you are asking me to take breadcrumbs of a pay and tithe. Girl, our Lord understands. It's my time I used to justify to not have to tithe but in the end I would do it as she was the only person who believed in me. Have you ever had that one person who saw something in you when all you see is what society disapproved? Again if you have never experienced this, perhaps this is not your kind of blog.

How long am I willing to wait? As long as it takes to get God's attention. I am holding on to the fact that there is a One Day but the one I love the most in the bible happens to be in the book of Ruth. My name, JUST then! Early Sunday morning I woke up, set my tithe aside and JUST when I was about to leave I heard it. Give me more. I always try to out loud the whispers by praising and worshipping. You know am a fool for you God. I know you do but you can give more. I don't mind adding a thousand or two. More!!! Jesus more? Okay. A little more. That is when a let out a sigh ... Lord I know this is the much you want me to give so I will stop there. Deep in my spirit I knew I had to give twice more but have you ever had plans rather a been on a tight budget and the Lord asked for it all. I stopped and rebuked the devil for trying to steal my finances by sending me a spirit of confusion. I felt it again so I prayed and asked God that if truly that was his will for me give everything in my purse that he shows me a sign.

I left confident that God was clear on me "not to give anymore than I planned". Towards the end of the sermon the preacher confirmed my fears. He even went ahead and gave the example of how chimpanzees love nuts and how easy it is to catch them. Some of you are holding on to nuts when God is asking you to trust that you let go of nuts for him to give you something better.

What was meant to be yours will find its way. What God intended to be yours will be owned by you debt free but there is a price to pay. You will have to stand out, at times alone with God, have faith and the hardest process of all WAIT.  God's timing is impeccable.

In the words of my beautiful mother, baby this is just the beginning of what awaits you. And this I my #RealityCheck.  My testimony.  Keep the faith checkmates. 

My love letter or is it?

My dearest Love,
I know it is unusual for a lady to write a letter leave alone a love note to a man in this day and age but when you meet me you will understand that there is nothing usual about me. I am not alone ...oh no am in excellent company but I just had to leave everyone and everything to come write you a love letter.

I have seen you but we haven't met officially yet. When we do, I will know without a doubt that it is you. Perhaps wherever you are life and facts have convinced you that you are happy. But deep in my heart and in mind, I tell myself that you are far from being close to happiness. Not to get my words twisted but it is never a new year until you have celebrated Christmas. Baby I am the ultimate gift. I am a handful so am guessing you are the sober one. You take yourself way too seriously *chuckles* .

I miss everything about you. I am jealous that wherever you are you get to laugh and that I am not the one making you laugh. I want to learn everything there is to learn about you. Your embarrassing moments , your first kiss, who broke your heart, the times you went broke , your first job and how you were underpaid *how dare they humiliate you* 😂😆 

Did I say this was a love letter or I miss you long note. I was just checking up on you.By now am sure you are used to me and this happens to be my #RealityCheck

I see it, I see you

I see the pain in your eyes. The pain that you try so hard to hide. I see it and I see you but you don't because it has clouded your judgement and has made you believe that everything in life is a competition. Everything in you races to win and must win if not you look for ways to bring others down.

I see bullies, I see you all. Making life a living hell for others just to feel good. You are not mad at the world, you are mad at how you have presented yourself to it. I see you when you think no one is watching how you hide and cry then put on the show you have learnt through the years to save face.

I see you fame cravers. Just because you have had a light bulb moment you assume everyone knows your name. You have to keep up appearances so you do the unthinkable to those blind enough to manipulate. I see you and I will deny you the one thing you crave the most... recognition.

I see you ordinary Joe and Jane. I applaud your silence but no one will ever appreciate your skills if all you do is hide your potential in the name of its not the right time. Tell me when has it ever been the right time?

I have a gift. I see and so I will see the greatness on your behalf but I can't act on it. I see and I try to understand but I can't make you see what I see so you see its not really up to me. I am only responsible for what I see because then am feeding my mind directly and indirectly with positivity,  possibility and probability.

I choose to see because I have already created a need deep within me. Finally I got an answer to "How do you do it?" Easy I see. Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean am foolish enough to give up on something others can't see. When you see every part of your body sees. So when you lose sight of it, you don't lose touch of it. That little sparkle of having seen keeps the fire alive of becoming your dream.

What do you see when you look at yourself? I see and that is my #RealityCheck

Wednesday Thoughts

Let me start off by saying that I have a strong dislike for "men" who think they can sleep their way to the top. Correct me if am wrong but doesn't that make you a male whore?  It's sad enough that some women have to sell their bodies to survive while others do it for fun but when a grown ass man uses women to land afew contacts of people who know people that's when I step in and blog.

To think that someone went out of their way for you to get an education or so I assume and this is all you have to show for? Are you kidding me? So many people are out there fighting for their lives this being a cancer awareness month and this sorry excuse for a man is busy causing unnecessary drama between women just because he doesn't have the courage to fix his mess of a life.

The first time I saw him I knew what he was all about without him even saying a word. Everyday he proved me right and now am tired of his cheap show. Don't get me wrong, it was hilarious at first but the thing with independent and ambitious women is, we are easily bored. Frankly speaking the imaginary talk I had in my head everytime I saw him left me in chuckles . I made myself laugh sheepishly if I may add.

Such "men" have time to chase women but not careers. They use the same pick up lines but not enough charm to increase the amount on their payroll. They hip and hop from job to job like grasshoppers but never stop to think that maybe it's not about the grass being greener but that they need to evolve.

If you don't like your job then quit and do something else with your life but don't walk around expecting favors or the world to reward your laziness. I said it and I will say it again, get off your high horse and earn the title being a man.

Goodnight checkmates.

Not Just Yet

When you take time off your 'normal' routine, you get clarity. I am a strong believer in if you are going to go for it then don't hold back. Don't you dare have second thoughts! I don't know about other ladies or women and I don't speak on anyone's behalf other than I, Me and Myself but I easily loose interest and am blaming it on having both an imaginative and creative mind. Before you utter a word my mind is already made up. Having multiple personalities I always give people what to expect instead of who I am.

PLEASE,  DON'T DISMISS ME,  NOT JUST YET

We all know by now that God doesn't run things our way so your timing is not his timing meaning what you consider a "this is it moment" to God is a Not Just Yet. By eighteen it's common sense that you should clear highschool. Next you know which University and what you should major in. You should be twenty five by now working and dating a man with similar accomplishments. By twenty six that man should propose and before the year ends have a grand wedding one that gets the tabloids talking, villagers salivating and friends/enemies eating their hearts out. Right!? You must be thirty and you are working on your masters or PHD and you run your own company, happily married with the it children living the dream ..... until you wake up

PLEASE,  DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET

You have been in and out of jobs not sure if by the end of this year you will have kept your first real one considering rumour has it you are about to be fired and you barely survive on commissions. Let's not even talk about your age. Let's just say if we were to look up the meaning of unfair your name would come up. As of dating its not like no one wants you but rather no one has ever asked. You are not a bad person if anything you are the selfless kind. You have just worked behind the scenes.

PLEASE,  DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET

The truth is some of you have already made it in life. That doesn't give you the right to look down on others. Most of you are still struggling with identity crisis and want the status so bad that you are willing to compromise you morals to get ahead. Afew of you are old fashioned and aren't struggling though you are working towards your goals while enjoying what life has to offer *this life has people who succeeded at an early age, those accomplishing now and those yet to achieve later on at forty or fifty*

PLEASE, DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET

I am scared for the people who became successful at a young age because most of them have already abused that blessing but at the same time my heart breaks for today's millionaires simply because majority of them are the ones taking advantage of teenagers with daddy issues, broken homes and poverty to try and compensate lifestyles and lust.

PLEASE,  DON'T DISMISS ME,  NOT JUST YET

Have you ever been told that you are good BUT SOMEONE ELSE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU? You are too good to be true then the next minute they ask where are all the good men/women at? First of all, who broke your heart and why are you taking it out on the wrong person?
Bitterness is a disease so stop spreading it and go heal. We all suffer from foolishness sometimes and we take it out on the wrong people but never intentionally but unless your shenanigans has nothing to do with me, keep me out of it.

PLEASE,  DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET

Be careful how you treat people because life has different seasons. When you are at the peak of your career put God first and stay humble. Seek wisdom not recognition. 

PLEASE, DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET

This is not a pharmacy and these are not instructions on how to apply or live by no this is my #RealityCheck where am simply asking you to PLEASE, DON'T DISMISS ME, NOT JUST YET.

Tea, Coffee or Reality

When everyone else sees it but you don't understand why.  Good morning checkmates. The #RealityCheck is secretly you know what everyone else is talking about but you just don't want to admit it. I read that people who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. Now don't get me wrong I agree with it one hundred percent but people who have been hurt and broken are the hardest to love.

Speaking from experience being single for too long makes you know what you want. I will even go a step further and say people who have kissed dating goodbye are the same people who always keep it real. We don't know how to sugar coat bullshit if am being honest. We are so comfortable in our skins that we expect the rest of the world to keep up. We don't have maybe inbetween yes and no. Time is what we have and time is what we lack. See my kind has already understood but let me explain. If we like you we will give you our undivided attention and even invest but if we have no intention of being associated with you, we will not lead you on.

The reality is you don't even have to try because it comes naturally. Common sense is not so common especially to people living in denial. When you don't understand what others see in someone you like or yourself relax and don't over think things. All you need to know is there is something special there. So don't be quick to dismiss it or yourself. Meanwhile life has to go on.

Tease Testimony day

Today I woke up knowing what I wanted. I wrote myself a note and I prayed about it. Other days am always about others like Lord let me make a difference in someone's life. Today it was all about me. Atleast that is what I thought.

I have come to realise that everytime am having a low moment, God uses that to challenge me further. When am so sure that I will get my breakthrough I end up empty handed and that is when God shows up and expects more from me. Am already used to it by now so if you have happen to be reading this and feel like God has got you breaking walls for others then you are not alone. You are my kind of people.

Long story short I teased myself to believing that love would softly caress my cheeks only for my mouth to utter words of encouragement, comfort and blessings to this unknowing soul. Have you ever met someone who needed the blessing more than you. Like today was a do or die moment of truth for them and that God would use your emptiness to bring such joy and life into their lives?

I left the house expectant and now am going back full. Love indeed whispered to my soul and I pray I made God proud. And that is my #RealityCheck

The Investors Anthem

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my late night blog show aka my #RealityCheck.  Tonight it's all about the Investor Anthem. Since everyone and by everyone I mean majority of the men are convinced we ladies want to get with older men who are living out their bucket list. Listen, no broke man has a bucket list rather they live out on dreams so by now you know the so called "sponsors" have billions if not millions in their bank accounts. I think some of the ladies have taken these commercials way too far by living out the "If I don't who will?"

Personally am all about the Investors. I don't mind you taking my dreams and turning them into a reality. Investors are realistic and will withdraw at the thought of making losses. From an investors point of view it has to be a win win situation so this kind of man will do anything to bring your walls down and get you attached emotionally. Gentlemen you are welcome. I just gave you the gate pass to get her to commit by tapping into her emotions.

Sponsors please take notes. As soon as you take her home she is already playing out the conversation that is about to go down with her investor. He is what she wants but sadly he is not at the peak of his career. Investors are like the modern day Boris Kodjoe. Sorry gentlemen that's English for every lady wants him. It's the games we play this kind of investor that matters. No matter how fine or good a lady is, the investor has the final say. That is what intrigues me about investors. They always see it coming and by it I mean the bullshit/act/cheap drama. Investors always do their research and take their time. I am an investor or is it investee so I know what am talking about.

You are who you attract and am not talking about victims of molestation I mean it in relationship/maturity terms. How often do you date? How long have they lasted? What's your role in the relationship? Where do you go out on dates and how many of your friends approve of this relationship? Are you better, bitter, wild or calm when with him/her and what's your real mood when they are not around? Like I said you are either being invested on or out right living it loud in the sponsorship cruise.

10th August Wednesday thoughts

Until I get my own radio late night relationship show this blog will do for now. Ever since I was a little girl ladies believe it or not I never wanted to get married. Not really. I don't have part of my life figured out. I don't know where or what I will have it done rather all I have ever been curious about is who will have my heart. All I asked God was that whoever he is, please let him not be short because I am not wearing slippers on my wedding day just to get that I now pronounce you husband and wife part. I am a tomboy but I love my high heels not gaga although funny story my bestfriend always laughs at the fact that I owned some gaga like heels. What ,it was back in the day and everyone was doing it and by everyone I mean me. Fine I had identity crisis * laughing quietly to myself like damn girl*

Sometimes it takes new love to get over a toxic relationships. Other times it takes courage with a sparkle of answered prayers through that one good friend to get you out of what could have been. This is not what I signed up for isn't that what most of you say? Personally this is what God had designed for me. It took his grace, loving kindness and mercy to get me through different phases and difficult seasons. I am not tough , I just had to be tough to make it out alive.   I knew this day would come where I felt my presence mattered and that I belonged.

Somewhere deep down I know who was meant to be reads my blogs not religiously but finds me amusing and amazingly hilarious. His friends don't get it or me but he does and am okay with that. When they meet me they will understand why he would fall for someone he hasen't spent ages with. When it's right, it unfolds all on its own. So to all the bestfriends out there I being one of them trying to hook people up because all our intentions are good, just you and even I being there is enough. We want the world for that one person who has been there and just like God sent you them, he is generous enough to hand make a masterpiece spouse for them.

Why does it take so long? It's easy now I can answer that because some of us don't need to lean on a man/woman to be complete. We need to accomplish on our own first then we can share what we have already earned and gained with them and the rest of the world. If you want it bad enough you must be willing to go the extra mile ...wrong relationships and afew lonely nights. Take a hot long bath, a glass of wine or mug of coffee/tea whatever works for you and carry on. The night is still young and that is my #RealityCheck.

Enjoy checkmates!

#AmLonelyNotAlone

You don't have to be alone to be lonely. You could be in the presence of who you think you always wanted and still feel like crap. Have you ever been with someone who made you question why you are with them in the first place? That what do I see in you or what are we doing thinking out loud moment? It's like I always tell my bestfriend you just don't wake up one day then go insane.

Not tonight Bruno Mars. ..its not me and my liquor store blues.....and am not feeling you either John  Legend..... best you've ever had .... Am feeling Mariah Carey.... and then a hero comes along because as I blog this I know the lonely girl in me knows I have enough strength to carry the both of us. Don't wait for people to encourage you when they have all sorts of baggages  weighing them down so what you do is figure out a way to pull yourself up and maybe someone somewhere instead of taking a selfie #broken #beatdown #laylow *giggles* will learn that it's normal to feel defeated but it's not wise to advertise your weakness because you never know who is watching or rather out to get you. Your pain or loneliness is not your weakness but the fact that you haven't mastered what to share with society and keep private earns you the title ALONE even though deep down you are just lonely . And that is my #RealityCheck

The Last Monday Of July 2016

I had my life all figured out. After completing my high school education I would study British Law , graduate with honors leave this country , start life in a foreign country , work on my identity there as one of the best criminal lawyer and fall helplessly inlove with my dream man when working on one of the cases as the presiding judge. Wait did I mention I would be driving my custom-made dream car. That was the dream. But that is all it was a dream.

Reality can be brutal. Living life in my early twenties I always knew that my day would come. Sadly each year brought with it different demons. The hallelujah turned into God is good and from there the amen slowly faded into whispers and finally I became Sarah. My laugher was bigger than my frustrations. When I heard people say God is good I smiled on the outside though on the inside I knew that he was only good to them not me.

We have all had this moment in life where at a certain point you stop living and start surviving. You just want to live today and not think about tomorrow leave alone the future. When you are around your peers all you could think about was who is better than who. But the beauty that comes with maturity and being secure enough in your own skin, you realize it's not a competition but my journey. Sure I had a dream and it didn't look up but who said I couldn't or can't dream again? It's not easy I understand having laid down on the ground for a while but if we all give up then what? We all wait to die? Come on!

For those of you who have never had the chance to know what it's like to have credentials and people turn you down especially this new young generation I don't envy you. I am happy for you but I don't admire you. Initially your charm will run out and someone younger and more beautiful or handsome will replace you so good luck with that.  You may be in your early or late  twenties and still everything in your life looks dead. Don't lose hope. Take heart. Look at it this way darling, you were not ready for that success. Think about it, with those kinds of friends you used to hang out with, do you think you would still be employed? Besides I heard thirty is the new twenty. 

Big deal you are still single and headed forty. Who said by that age you should be someone's mother or father? Screw society. Now that you are fifty and everyone is expecting you to have your shit together so what? Be the next Oprah. What's your point? Am glad you asked. My point is we all have the same dreams but different timings and blessings. Just because your old man or lady figured life out ealier on in life doesn't mean you don't deserve the family name. You are not the black sheep of the family. Or maybe you are and that is what makes you stand out. You don't have to go down the same path everyone else goes through to make it to the other side of life. You would be a fool to think am encouraging you to cheat your way there but own it. Own your flaws and strengths , stop making excuses and press on. We still have five months to go so make the most of this year. And that is my #RealityCheck

Friday Thoughts

Whoever said the bible is not romantic must go by the name Judas not that there is anything wrong with that but let's be honest we all know how his story ends. Perhaps I have repeatedly said of how proud I am of my name but for emphasis sake let me say it one more time. I absolutely adore my first name.

Ruth in the bible was just some girl who happened to meet some man then they lived happily ever after. Right? WRONG!! When I meet a man am totally interested in I tend to give him a heads up by hinting the bible Ruth. I don't know about you being Boaz but am talking about who I truly am and what you should expect. I like my version of the story . The way I tell it comes off as more me than what you would expect from four chapters.

Ruth 1:18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her. I know what I want and I am determined to get and will stand by what I say.
Ruth 2:2 let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favor. I am always on the move trying to make ends meet. I see potential in what others dismiss as leftovers. Behind...I never want to take center stage but rather love working BEHIND  the scenes . I always invest if I am sure there is anyone in whose eyes I find favor.

From ten years later to Ruth 2:4 Just then Boaz arrived from Bethlehem and greeted the harvesters the Lord be with you. I don't believe in coincidences but rather live for moments like JUST THEN ....

This is the part I adore the most Ruth 2:5 Boaz asked the overseer of his harvesters ,"Who does that young woman belong to?"

What was meant to be yours ladies, you will never find yourself having to try so hard to impress to get his attention. He will notice you when all you are after are "leftovers". Gentlemen,  when you see her, oh you will know and no matter how proud and arrogant you try and come off every vein in your body will match up your heart beat. The heart speaks a language that the mouth can't explain but the rest of your body can express. And that is my #RealityCheck

The ignorant modern day man

Just having to write this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Ignorant modern day man is one who still reasons like all his life he has lived in a cave. I am not mad, am mad as hell. What is this hatred that certain men have towards women?

In my humble opinion you would make a good brand ambassador for an askhole. Sir you are not dumb but ignorant which makes it worse. Thanks to this sponsorship mentality most men not all are starting to act as though this great nation needs them. Pardon my honesty but aren't we supposed to praise and worship God and not man?

I think these men are suffering from mid life crisis. Correct me if am wrong but I know majority of them were born and raised in average homes or worse and now that they have succeeded they feel owed but my big question is by who society, women or God? Listen, not every woman is interested in your achievements and few coins *lets be honest it's local currency not wealth*. If you have issues with the females in your life spare the rest of us your foolishness. Handle your personal life the way you handle your business by communicating with the relevant parties involved if there is a misunderstanding and stop taking it out on good women.

Does that make me less of a lady or romantic towards good men out there, not at all. If anything am inspired to appreciate and applaud them. We all have demons but when a man starts acting like a bitter woman that is where I draw the line and I answer back with my #RealityCheck

Wednesday wonders

Good morning checkmates. Have you ever woken up inlove? You are single but you can almost swear that you are inlove? You are broke but you know somehow it will all work itself out? You have nothing to show for but that doesn't seem to get you down enough to throw yourself a pity party? You are hurt broken but deep down you know that your king is out there and somehow when the time is right he will walk up to you and your self made "madness" for having waited and believed will start to make sense?

Listen, no amount in your bank account will ever motivate you to dream bigger. Sometimes not having the entire package is a blessing in disguise. It keeps you on your toes. It reminds me of the song it's not right but it's okay.

This morning for no apparent reason I am inlove with God. In the eyes of men I am nowhere but through God's eyes baibee you can't handle the truth. Forgive me if I am not the jealous type because I admit she is beautiful but I am extraordinary. Some don't understand me and many can't keep up and I am more than okay with that.

So you see, I have every reason to be inlove with God and that is my #RealityCheck

Tuesday Night

June has been well June and by that I mean it has been cold. With every bad weather we all know there is bound to be sunshine later on so June please do your worst * am sorry ... please be gentle*. I can already feel the rays even when the sky is grey.

The month when being single is annoying. Comfort is key. Extra pair of socks, a trench coat , warm blankets , hot cup of tea and positivity. If you are lucky enough to steal afew kisses that should last you until next time if there is a next time. It's every woman for herself and those strong enough to fight the urge of 'giving in' see it as it really is just a cold month and not an excuse to do what you secretly want but too scared to ask or rather go for it.

And that is my #RealityCheck. Keep warm checkmates

Saturday Thoughts

Unless you are not human,  we have all hit rock bottom at one point in our lives especially when it comes to matters of the heart. We have all loved some more than others but we all know what it feels like to want someone. But have you ever needed someone to love you back , life to look/add up so desperately? Ladies he doesn't have to have much in his bank account or the usual TDH  (Tall, Dark and Handsome) but that damn I need me a man moment! Gentlemen she doesn't have to have curves or know her way around the kitchen but all you care about is how she makes you feel alive like the only man in the entire planet!

I believe that is why slowly society is embracing *sponsorship*. Young girls are opting to be in relationships with older men the age of their fathers to fill the void of perhaps having being raised by a single mother or grandparents. They just want to feel safe. Ladies my age don't want to date men their age or the old fashioned two to five years age difference.  They want to settle with men ten to twenty years age difference because a man in that age group knows exactly  what he wants. Gentlemen, take notes this is what most ladies are suffering from.

It's sad and way too early for us to want to live off people's success and seasons instead of creating and patiently waiting for our turn. Oh well looks like am alone in this but don't get me wrong I am lonely but not alone. Am not hitch, doctor love or a PIMP whisperer so ladies don't ask me where the good men are  *laughing sheepishly* . If you want to be an old man's lover be that and if you want to date an older woman just to excuse yourself from being a man and have to get a job ,boy do you. Just don't expect me to sympathise when you run in circles or expect me to join the trend. Trendy lifestyles are not for everyone and the day you will learn your dance life and everyone else will respect your art because you will have mastered it to perfection. And that is my #RealityCheck.  Good day #Checkmates 👑

My evening thoughts

I have a million and one thoughts running through my mind and I can't help but smile . Men are curious beings and watching them stare at women even this late in the dark you have got to ask yourself how they do it. They are the ultimate thirst lords who will never be quenched or satisfied sadly. Some will secretly want more while the rest openly roam around in search for more if not better.

As a lady I could easily conclude that these men are crazy about me but in actual sense I know what's running through their minds. So I won't sit here and lie to myself that I am "all that and a bag of chips" . Some are bored out of their mind , others frustrated , to afew I remind them of a version of who the one he is with used to be , to one or two am a reality check that good women still exist and to the rest am just a vision of self pleasure.

Easy come easy go so ladies don't be a seasonal thought to any man. Aspire to be the only one who leaves him speechless. Men are easily fascinated and easily bored. Don't be summer when what he needs is winter. Beauty cracks but character like fine wine makes the heart of a king Merry.

And that is my #RealityCheck

Sunday May...

It's rather a cold Sunday. The sun is shy but you can feel the possibility of a good day ahead. Some are in church , warm in bed nursing a previous wild night out and others doing right by society "putting on a show to save face, in meaningless relationships and dead marriages".

Someone somewhere believe it or not wishes they had your life.  Not literally but what you secretly don't want. Life is not up for trade but isn't it funny how seasons can change people? How one minute you can have it all and the next regret how you wasted time on things and people who you can't stand.

Talking about it to a friend helps, drinking to forget helps , compromising helps but it's all for a while. As I write I sure hope someone somewhere gets a little ray of sunshine in their cold routine of a life.

And that is my #RealityCheck.

Just a different package

Halo Monday.  So tell me something, what happens when you get what you want but in just a different package?  Do you accept it or walk away.

Ladies,what do you do when you get the man you have always wanted and does almost everything you imagined though he is not what you want. He knows exactly what, how and when to say and do what you secretly crave for without having to ask him yet sadly in an ungrateful way, you are not into him?

Gentlemen, when she meets your every desire yet somehow makes your fantasies a reality and even makes you want to give her your name but somehow she comes in a different package.  She would be the complete *It Girl* if only she was taller, shorter,  lighter,  darker, add weight, loose weight, had more curves, had less curves ...

When did we stop being human beings and start playing "God"? Truth be told there is nothing wrong with her/him however, you are still stuck on the past. Why do we always feel the need to compare when we can ran with Right Now? Don't get me wrong am not judging you. I understand what you want but correct me if am wrong didn't you just have what you wanted and now life is presenting you with what you truly need. How would you feel if someone said,"You have what it takes but honestly speaking you are just a different package." You would walk away feeling not good enough for not only them but everyone else after.

So this month of possibilities,  May life present you with what you need and not what you want. And that is my #RealityCheck.

Spousal heartbreak

It's amazing how a simple heartbreak can screw up your entire mindset.  From hugs and kisses to its just me and my liquor store blues.  It hurts more when you are the one giving more of yourself in terms of time, money and moral support.  You tell yourself and even manage to convince the entire world they need you and that life without you would be hard. Where are they now? So you see life does go on even without you or them in the picture.

We all look for that one reason to keep us going. For most women, they find comfort in their babies and men their careers.  As long as he has a job , earns a decent salary , plays his role as the supportive husband and father he is sure no matter what kind of hell he puts this woman through in his mind he knows she will never walk away. She needs him. That is his assurance card . His way of comforting himself that she loves him.

The relationship ended before it even began. The chemistry was short lived. Let's be honest ladies you stopped being attracted to this human being the day it dawned on you that it's too late to walk away. You are in too deep and by that I mean, you can't go back not after the show you have been putting on. Let's face it,  no one wants to purchase an old car with fresh paint on it. That is how most women beat themselves down infront of a mirror.  I am too old to be competing with young blood and let's not forget that no man or his family will accept a single mother.  So you stay. After all you are the mother of his children. He will never abandon them or you.  That is your way of defining it as a solid partnership.

Slowly both of you are dying. You are not even friends. You can't even get past a halo without arguing. It works though. The routine is your new normal. He compensates with expensive gifts while she acts like a teenager inlove to save face. Now that is what I call a spousal heartbreak.  You may not say it but as society, we can see it.

And that is my #RealityCheck.

22:48 April 2016

I don't understand women. I am one but at times I feel as though am a man. Some of the things women do out of insecurities leaves nothing to desire or admire about them. Single women want to be in relationships while as those fortunate enough to land a good man end up treating him like garbage. 

Why would a woman insist on going back to the very same place she couldn't stand? What men don't know is that the very same women they are dating are busy putting on a show trying to prove to the single women that they are missing out yet they end up hanging out at the very same joints they 'loathe'. Please make me understand.  Are you acting ungrateful,  mocking those who are not in your social status or is the villager in you finally getting the best of you so you can't help but go back to your roots?

Never apologise for being blessed. I know I won't.  Forgive me if I never go back or dress like I used to just to save the humility face.  There is nothing wrong with driving a Ferrari and owning multiple businesses. There are so many secret millionaires who still associate with people beneath them not because they want to be praised but because they have not allowed fame and money rob them of their true character and personality. I wish women took the same amount of time and money to invest in themselves inwardly as they please men outwardly. 

My Monday Mix

I am just from reading an interesting article from a man's perspective.  His last remark was ladies there is nothing you are missing out on. It is true that we ladies love details. I happen to self crown myself as the ultimate mistress of every detail.  The reason why I am fixed on hearing anything and everything a man has been up to is not to secretly compete or feel better than what else is out there but I want to truly listen to what he is not telling me. Have you ever heard of its not what you are saying but rather how you are expressing yourself when saying it? That is all I ever need to know.

Men are known to fake words and sometimes conversation to save face but the one thing we all can't fake is our emotions. Ladies learn to stare that man deep into his eyes and slowly watch him calm down, get all nervous and look away. In my own opinion I believe men are terrified of women who pay attention. They don't know what to do with a good woman so they end up hurting the ones they truly love and act polite to those who don't care about them. The one lady who only calls him when every other letter in the alphabet has gone broke or silent on her. Forgive me for what am about to write but truly you deserve the title she has branded you... CLOWN. You sir are the laughing stalk of her girl circle. You are not the life of the party, no, you are just the coal to keep the shisha going.

What are you talking about? They love me! No sir, they tolerate the fact that you make life easier by showering them with money and occasional gifts and they in return communicate four times a month if you are lucky. By four times I mean every weekend and guess who is buying? You deserve it because deep down such men assume and ignore a perfectly good conversation with "a plain Jane" because to them these kind of women don't look or dress the part. They are not public figures. They may not rock six inch heels *they don't see the need to doll up* but they can get you laughing from morning till noon. Most of them don't club not because they are boring but don't see the need of "wasting money on other men and women who don't even like you to fit in".

So I have come to this conclusion.  The only reason why any man would frustrate a practically good lady is not because she is not enough , it is because he is insecure. Deep down he knows that if he was to introduce her to his friends they would date her. The more he spends time with her the more inspired and motivated he becomes. He is falling for her. That can't happen so the first chance he gets, he screw her over into thinking she has done something wrong. She is not the problem rather he is and being the silent kind, she let's him be and slowly starts to put up walls to keep any other man away. That is how a broken man drains a good woman emotionally without abusing her physically or verbally.  Silence in itself is an answer.

And that us my #RealityCheck. Goodnight checkmates. 

Saturday thoughts

Good morning checkmates. We are all curious and looking for heaven knows what but what really gets my attention is when either I want it bad enough or someone else does. Am talking about Access Denied.  The less information you have the more you want. This is a bad habit which can easily result to stalking, Kidnapping and murder.  Depending on how psycho you are. We are all crazy but someone of us know how to dress it up with make up, expensive clothes/shoes and a designer perfume. I am a lady so that is how I would do it.

What I have just discovered is that just like there is no such thing as bad publicity, giving full access to someone who wants it bad enough or is rather obsessed with you/being better than you only makes them end up looking like a fool. Living like you have something to hide makes it interesting for people to want in in your circle. 

If you are the one chasing information then it means you not only admire them but want to learn more of what makes them stand out. To me that is enough to let me know that you acknowledge that I have something special either you aspire to own or others have been talking about.  When you are happy and wrapped up in your own little world, people notice.  When the very same people who think they have it going on reach out, that is when you realise that you are doing something right. Don't deny them access because at this particular moment they are obsessed with you. Pull a reverse psychology on them. Wise people always act the fool.

It is scary and exciting both at the same time. Information is power and what you do not know won't hurt you but in most cases there is nothing to find. Use what you find to better yourself and not try to belittle the master.

In conclusion that is what I call paranoia. It's never what it seems and that is my #RealityCheck.

Thankful Friday

We so often go to God in prayer covered in tears and sorrow seeking comfort and breakthroughs.  So this day lets not forget to give thanks for the far God has brought us. We lost hope and faith but somehow down on our knees we felt renewed.

Dear God,
Thank you for taking me in when no one else did. Thank you for believing in me even when others laughed at my dreams. Thank you for having a plan and a future for me even when I look back and think, someone else should have taken my place. Thank you for blessing me even when I don't feel I deserve it. Thank you for your will because mine is nothing but a careless whisper of words. Thank you for loving me even though I grew up not being shown love. Thank you for protecting me even when I thought I could handle it on my own. Thank you for letting me live even when those around me died.Thank you for lifting me up when all I could cling on was a rock. Thank you for my health, health scares and healing. They drew me closer to you.

Thank you for the disappointments because then you are teaching me that I can rely on you. Thank you for being a perfect gentleman and always opening new doors for me. At times you spoil me too much. Thank you for being my source of inspiration through the bible  and life experiences. Thank you for those who left me when I was in the process of discovering who you have called me to be because honestly speaking they cannot handle any of the success you have granted me. Thank you for the delays because they have taught me to be patient and tolerate others like and worse than me.  Thank you for your sufficient grace. Thank you for favour.  Thank you for new mercies and mornings.

Thank you for being you and allowing me serve you and still be me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for the far you have brought me. Thank you for then, now and right this minute. Thank you for allowing me to live this long and to finally understand and see WHY ME! You have excellent taste and you knew I had it in me all along. Thank you for the loss, heart breaks,  foolishness and self inflicted madness.  It was all to glorify you. Thank you for your angels and that there is a heaven. Thank you for the last minute show up just when people started talking and for the never ending miracles.  I have made mistakes but I myself am not a mistake.  You had me well planned out. I am the sperm that won *laughs*. That is why I never give up and am determined to win.  It's in my DNA.

Thank you.

Yours faithfully,
MY#RealityCheck

22:47pm

It has been an incredibly long day. Something or someone got you through it. Let's not take it for granted that inspiration and a little hope goes a long way. No one may thank you for putting a smile on their face(s) or for encouraging them with a simple hi, I miss you or even a silly meme. 

In some weird way today both you and I made a difference and that is all matters. It may not go down in the guiness book of records but someone somewhere silently considers you a new friend.  Don't stop. Keep doing you. We don't know what tomorrow holds but today,  we did good.

Starting off this month on a thankful note. Thank you for being you even when no one else is watching. You still keep it real and one day someone will walk right up to you or include you in their thank you speech. Just when you think that no one notices , the eyes do they just have a hard time saying it back.

Have yourselves a calm, warm and love filled night checkmates.  And that is my #RealityCheck

Note to self

Learn how to bounce back because beating yourself down or lying on the ground doesn't slow down time. Beating yourself down is just an excuse to not try and fix your life. It's your life... yours to make or break. No one is asking you to be perfect or be a saint about it but use what you already have to mend what is already broken. Don't dwell on what's out of reach , grab what is presented before you and use it as a stepping stone.

Some days will feel like you should throw in the towel and others worse than before. Everything takes time. God took his time to create you. You need to take the time to heal, grieve and walk on. What will people say? what they have always said.

Every past year in your mind was supposed to be your big break and it wasn't. so make this one count. Don't do what you have always done. Make a difference. You deserve to leave your mark this time round. So instead of sitting all confused lost in I don't know, ofcourse you do and much more, finish or start a project and fix your full attention on it until it's complete.

It's time. It's your time . And that is my #RealityCheck

What to do

I don't know what to do. As women we are powerful and always know how and where to invest. That is not the case when it comes to matters of the heart. The same woman of steel is unable to tell a man no face to face. Not just any man, ladies we all have that one man who we find it hard to "disaapoint". We always come through . When he reaches out we immediately adopt the "he needs me" mentality.  Now let me ask you ask this, "does he do the same for you? "

I don't know what to do with my feelings.  I am a relationship expert or so I tell myself secretly but when I am the "victim" the light at the end of the tunnel somehow disappears.  The problem so I have come to discover is that the minute you become attached,  you loose.  So how do you have one and not show? I don't know. 

Perhaps if we all combine the knowledge we have from experience then we might come up with a solution or worse. All I know is that I don't know. And that is my #RealityCheck.

Monday focus

I love challenges.  Having to stick around when everyone else looks for an easier way out forces you to be alert. I don't have a back up plan I never do but I always find myself improvising. Most people would give up after a few trials but not me especially if am gut invested. 

I want to be legendary not necessarily leave my mark on this planet but I want to be remembered as the lady who always went for it hard. At first we though she was crazy seeing as no one else tried it but we admired her courage and determination.  Someday I want my kids to be proud of me. I don't want to be first lady not that I can't be but the fact that I stand by what I believe in at times alone and never give up is enough to know that them carrying my blood will survive.

You loose people when you don't have a trend of thought. You are powerful when you focus but the question is what are you focusing on? Don't let ego drive you off your focus. You can't gave new blessings with old order

And that is my #RealityCheck

Lost And Found Sunday

Sometime you have to loose yourself inorder for you to find what you are looking for. I love it when am corrected but let's be honest who knew I was messing up in the first place. Damn it. Friends. You need them but sometimes a reality check is not what you want to be served by your bestie.

After watching Kung'Fu panda III and rewatching dead pool *am the ultimate spinster* it got me thinking. Tough love is good especially when it's coming from someone you respect and care about. How do you become your own master?

When you stop overthinking and trying to live up to others expectations that's when it all comes to you. It adds up. It makes sense. The only person you are good at is yourself so you don't teach others how to be you or try to be them but rather teach them how to use what they already have and know about themselves.

Am no writer but when I air my words out loud I feel as though I can make a difference. I talk alot and text long speeches which can be a bad thing at times but that is what makes me me. That is how I found myself and what I was looking for. Through words and writing.

And that is my #RealityCheck

My Easter Lesson

We all know of the betrayal of Jesus. And this is my own conclusions from what I learn from the story.  Jesus being the son of God was a big deal. I mean he came to save mankind so in as much as you and I are made in the image of God, we will never be as a bigger deal as Jesus was so learn to be fine with who you are.

Let's get to the juicy part shall we. Jesus being the Messiah he was betrayed and yet we always act as though we don't deserve to be betrayed.  You will be especially if you are good. In as much as Jesus was the sone of God he was brought up in a humble way. They called him the son of a carpenter. People tried to put him in his place everytime he "broke the rules". By this I mean most of us were not privileged to be raised with diamonds and pearls and for the men rolex and Bentley but in you going out of the "poverty circle" people always want to remind you of who they knew you by and not who you are destined to be. I feel like preaching .

If Jesus came in form of a spirit then today you and I would not relate but him being human and enduring what we all go through at one point in life be it false accusations or serving a purpose higher than those around you makes it easier for us to understand that this too shall pass. He tried praying it away and just like you and I sometimes we only want the good and the best. We find ourselves praying out if not painful seasons away. But just like Jesus we all have to face the very same situation you are struggling with. 

Jesus knew that Judas would betray him. Not because Judas was an evil man or maybe he was but the bigger picture is there are people in our lives who always take the easy way out. They will only be present in your life when the going is good but the minute they get someone with more influence,  power and money they will willingly if not gladly bite the hand that feeds them. What amazes me is that it's never a stranger but rather someone who knows you all to well who never gives a second thought to betray you.

This Easter go back to the drawing board. You don't have to to have a migraine overthinking who in the world would do this. Keep your circle small. If by now gentlemen all you do is go out and have a good time with this bromance but he never adds any value in your life and chances are other men can't stand him please do the following. 1. Get rid of that He-She.  That is a female trapped in a man's body and he secretly wishes to be you so no you are not dealing with a human being but a psychopath.  2. Act broke for a week. See who cares enough to call or go the extra mile for you then keep them. Ladies if you don't share the same dreams with your so called girlfriends drop them like they are hot. They could be with you because they want someone you already have or think they can be a prettier younger version of you.

People change. Some in a good ways while others well just let them leave. If by now 2016 you can predict the people in your life and am not talking about family but there are things and people in your life you have to let go and not because they are bad but because just like Jesus you have have been discerning that you need to change .

Sometimes you have to betray the old you to discover the new you. Be your own Judas.

And that is my #RealityCheck

Silly thoughts

Why did I block you in the first place? The answer we all use when we don't want to cut people short with some tough love. I don't know. ...just... Unlike having to say it face to face how about I write why we end up blocking people.  Simple because your ass was ungrateful.  Am I right or am I right?

I write think *I write as I think and thanks to typo I mess up sometimes if not all the time and no I don't read what I write* . At first the shenanigans are cute but later on it gets old. When you find yourself thinking like why won't this person grow up that is when you realise you have grown up. Not mature calm down but the person is no longer as juicy as they used to be. The other truth is you end up liking them and everytime they fall short of your expectations you find them immature. Am right ain't I? 

Sometimes you block people to keep them out. Some in their stalkerish ways need to be in mental institutions. Other times you just want to mess with their psychology.  Let me see if they care enough to notice or miss me. I don't want you thinking that my life revolves around you and no am not waiting for you to fix your sorry excuse for a life. You have so many people thinking about you so today how about they take it from there coz I believe someone else out there needs me *blocked* Hey am just being honest here.

Afew times you just want to be left alone. You feel as though everyone expects so much from you that you end up blocking them out just to survive.  It was either you or going insane so bye! On that note some block others out because they just don't know what to do with their lives. I have so much to offer but am not sure if it's you to offer it to.  Very few block others because they remind them of who they used to be. Like I don't live in the past or am not that person anymore.

Personally I block people because am easily bored. I don't have time for friend - enemies like let's leave the acting to professionals. If you are not going to add any value please don't be upset if I don't string you along. I no longer invest. As a matter of fact please be mad and cause a scene or two ...the dramatic effect always gives me the chance to read my unwritten award winning speech in my head , "I always knew it".

So feel free this beautiful hot Monday morning to block out one or two toxic people who you have been secretly tolerating just to save face. I respect the art of kissing but no one likes a kiss ass.

And that is my #RealityCheck

March Much Reality

What happens when life serves you a middle finger stage. By that I mean you are not only stuck but all you can do is pull a fudge it line. Love to me is more of a job. All your life you work hard or cheat your way up and then fate decides whether you look for a job or the right job finds you.

Most people who use words like am at Jobo instead of am at work to me come off as jerks.  They try too hard. You want to sound important and chances are they believe they are important than their friends and deserve not only a good paycheck but a higher position. Not to worry, such people end up jobless.  Funny thing is they always find a way to mess themselves up. I gave done my research. You don't believe me, then ask around if they even applied for the job in the first place.  They come in highly recommended only to end up costing the company. 

These are the very same people who tweet or always complain of how they hate their work, can't wait to leave and when am I being paid. If my research is as true as I write then allow me to go deeper. Their love lives suck. Again anything you need to know about them is on social media ....I don't like feeling like am good enough , uploading wedding gowns to hint that it's time to settle down and refer to their spouses as boys or idiots *giggles* Don't get me wrong, I find this really entertaining.  Like oh no he didn't .... Gal stop .... write more .... I want more hahahahahahaha . I should stop. 

Why a job? Because you are rewarded according to how you perform.  You don't look for love rather it finds you. Depending on how you treat that man or woman the way they treat you tells alot about the relationship.  How do you give up on your own company if you are not passionate about your work? Same case applies to your love life. Why do you stick around? For the exposure, experience , love or money?  Or is it because you have no where better to go?

Now that we are on the same middle finger boat what do you do? Keep investing or shut it down? How do you chase the wind when you don't even know which direction it's blowing towards or how do you give up on something/someone who you can't face tomorrow without?

And that is my #RealityCheck

Saturday inspiration

We never grow up instead we grow in love. I recall when I was in high school and all I ever wanted secretly was to be the perfect girlfriend in the real world. I was a loner but in my own world I belonged. Writing kept me sane and busy. Am glad my bestfriend and Romeo encouraged me to work on my blog. By now if you are reading this you should know you are Romeo.

The perfect relationship is not where you go watch a movie , say all the right words and match up each others style or ego. To me the perfect man is the one I can be myself with. Sorry to disappoint you ladies and gentlemen but I have already met my Romeo. The beauty about this kind of a man is that he let's me be me. No this is no love story.  As I write this please note that I lost his number a year ago. I don't even need it . See we have our own language.  If I want to 'stalk' him I know where to find him. It's not stalking *laughing sheepishly* am just checking up on a brother *giggles*. He gets me not all of me but part of me the part especially I thought I had well hidden.

I don't have to try so hard with him. Am not saying that I barely dress up ofcourse not although according to him secretly he has yet to meet the sophisticated lady side of me. He has seen the tomboy side that enjoys animations and according to him am the only female he knows who knows more about cars. Still doubting if it's you, it's YOU! He has met the serious lady focused in everything that she does and even at one point he asked that I make time for him. That was sweet of him.

The truth is we were friends and hopefully still are but what we have is both dangerously beautiful yet scaring. He has an ego as huge as the bus of one tree hill and I let's just say am the queen of my castle.  I don't think he ever noticed or ever notices but he is the only man who calms me down. I am good at hiding how I feel but I can't hide it long enough whenever he is around so I distract myself with either music or someone else. I hardly make eye contact because then my vulnerability would be written in my eyes. I am a soldier and showing a sign of weakness is not allowed in my books.

I can't even bring myself to hate leave alone be mad at him for more than a day. Goodness!  I am his biggest and anything he would invest in I would 100% support without doubt. Why am I still single people ask.I would tell you but then you wouldn't understand. I am inlove and my heart is contented.  I once heard that these young people will never know the true meaning of love and they will never get to experience half of it. I don't need to walk down the aisle because deep down his love feels like each day I am a newly wed and this love motivates me to better myself and those around me. I don't need a ring because I already found true love and if fits like a glove in my warm yet so eagerly awaiting heart. I don't need a white Cinderella gown because giving back just requires a humble and yet willing heart. My faded jeans and T-shirt will do. I don't need glass slippers.  Have you seen the weather lately? In this heat glass seriously *laughs* . I don't need a crown after all I have the best accessory money can't buy my priceless smile .

Baibèé 🐝 🐝 your middle name is fine but I wear my first name with pride and honour because it reminds me of who I am and I am meant to be everyday. And that is my #RealityCheck

With obedience comes sacrifice

Ask anyone who has ever served God when they were young and they will tell you the truth. The ugly truth. You don't have a say that just sums it up. His will always wins. It feels like going to war and being attacked . Just when you thought a bullet to the chest wasn't bad enough it gets worse.  The doctor walks in and says you have cancer and they are forced to amputate both legs. Just as you are recovering you happen to hear him say that you have liver failure and your lungs are shutting down.

Like I said ask anyone who knows the Lord well and they will narrate a horror story with a comic effect. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. See you are so used to doing and getting things done your way until he breaks your pattern. Being human we all have a system that helps rather stops us from going mad. If he is going to do things his way no doubt the process will leave you feeling like you lost. It looks that way and it even feels that way because being human we expect instant results. It's either yes or no. With God he always leaves you guessing. He is always full of suprsises.  If he took his time to create this beautiful universe how about you and I the ones he made in his likeness. Time is all he had.

The one God-human disease we all suffer from is waiting. For what? So most have compromised and the rest have rebelled.  I was shocked to learn of a legible bachelor who openly confessed that the reason why God was punishing him was because he was living with his girlfriend prior to his promise to God to wife the woman he loves the right way. By the right way I mean in church.

No one wants a breakthrough at fifty then die at fifty one. How unfair can life be. We all want to eat the fruits of our labour and yet some of you greedy humans just want a taste of someone else's hard work. Please keep your hands and legs where I can see them. Can I be honest majority of the people who use #YouOnlyLiveOnce are fed up loosing and just want in on the action. It doesn't matter where the party is as long as they are invited. Honey have a cactus on me and sit down.

It takes time. Good things usually do. I am not talking about being a saint lands you the dream job but discipline ,hard work and staying true to your calling will cause God bless you even when it's not your season. Look at your life right now. Where is everyone you started out with? Your bestfriends then now not so best or friends. Did you change your dream to earn the title "Accomplished" or are you wondering what happened to you as everyone else got what was theirs?

It is never what is seems. People have mastered and perfected faking it till you make it. Why is it that people who have achieved so much look neglected while those barely making it yo the door earn the title ma'am and Sir.  They try too hard or isn't that what you choose to say to make yourself feel better? It's favour.  God's favour.  That is why mist educated men and women are employed and those with no degrees are the ones dictating your salaries.  Papers and beauty are of no use when it comes to God. He looks deep within the same way ladies when we see a very good looking man with an average looking lady and we think he can do better. He was not fascinated by beauty and no its not because he hadn't met your arrogant, self centered and shallow self.

I respect men who chase women with character and personality. If you want the best you have to sacrifice.  When God decides to bless you he doesn't need people's opinions. It doesn't matter if you are ratchet or a self proclaimed saint when it's your time to change baby, you are not ready. We can escape it all thanks to technology but we can't outsmart and outrun God.

And that is my #RealityCheck

My 29th February leap towards being grateful

This is not me being arrogant it's me being observant.  Until you can address it the people you care the most will always take advantage of your kindness.  I am thankful for not having life handed to me on a silver platter so that I can feed myself and those related to me with golden spoons. The catch is they will have to earn it.

The more I am thankful the less I complain and lack. Being human we all yearn to be noticed if not celebrated.  Let's face it gone are the days people say thank you , please and I am sorry.  We all just assume and secretly even think we earned the right for others to go out of their way for us.  Again this is not me trying to start a pity party but where in the world have our manners disappeared to?

If I invest in you or your business gentlemen *shots fired* it means I want to be part of your empire. I see greatness or spot potential I always follow my gut feeling. That however doesn't necessarily mean that we are friends. In the words of my good friend ," It's nothing personal it's just business". One wrong move and I will never look back. Just to be clear I can only be loyal to myself seeing as everyone else is taken. Not just taken but taken for granted.

Men say that women who make the first move are courageous and sexy. Well slap the boring out of me because from where I come from and yes it's deep in the village we call that desperation. Times have changed but the bible has not. You only live once please spare me your selfishness we all live once. The world doesn't revolve around you, it never has so don't think you are doing us a favor by being alive.

Good women are being misled and taken advantage of. Gentlemen listen, if you have no intention of marrying her please don't test drive her into your indecisiveness . This is not a car dealership but an actual human being. The reason why I am against this is because am sick and tired of watching good women become bitter and take it out on good men. To think that someone somewhere is making life hard for the one for me just because some man wasn't faithful so she feels the need to break this other man drives me crazy.

I have decided to lead by example.If I have no interest in you, I will not lead you on. If my emotions get the best of me, I will walk away and not take it out on the wrong person. If I am not comfortable I will talk it out and not shout it out. If I don't like where I am I will leave and go where it feels like home. I will not accept your gifts if they are as a result of you feeling guilty. I promise to live an honest yet grateful life. Someimes you have to say thank you and other times no thank you.

And that is my #RealityCheck

Between 11:00 and 11:09 AM

I don't have it all together but am happy. I am not where I would want to be but am not just anywhere, am where am supposed to be as of now. I am not not complete but who says am not ? I am not walking away, am walking towards where my heart is. Maybe you are not the one to change but perhaps am the one who needs to loose this grip I have on you. The more I try the further you are slipping. 

I hope and pray and now this is my new norm. I shout and scream but I am composed and calm. I praise and worship but I curse and act ratchet.  I cry, I laugh , I have tried and now am all dry. You are my best kept secret but whenever am around you I am an open book. I couldn't resist even if I tried to so I quickly replace those warm thoughts with damn it you hear but you never listen. 

This comes off as a poem but it feels like a blog. I don't have the exact words but these are my exact words. This is not for you nor is it for me but I have a feeling it's for someone else other than us. If you are reading this you are just as lost as I am but if you are not the better but one day I will make you read this and then I will say, "yes it was about you". For now if the shoe fits wear it, if this feels like you act on it and own it. Take what you can and leave the rest.

And this is my #RealityCheck

My Valentine

It is perceived that Valentine's day is a day for a man and a woman to reaffirm their love openly. So what happens when you are single?  Do you still celebrate and if so  are you forced to hire or act it out with a fake spouse or do you just stay indoors and wallow in your sorrows?

For single parents how fo you go out there and act as if life has been good to you when you can barely make ends meet? For people suffering from depression and rejection how does a red rose heal the brokenness? So I decided to turn this one day of publicity stunt and make something beautiful and meaningful to myself. Love is a discussion for another day but it takes more than a dozen of red roses,  a box of chocolates and a prompt proposal to have a heart connect.

Learn to walk at your own pace.  When everyone else runs, walk and when they walk , run. Find your place in this messy world and get your rhythm.  You have ample time to enjoy yourself and everyone else around you and believe you me it doesn't have to who you had in mind. Go out there and make a difference.  There is so much to be done but know you can't do it all.

So until then,  I don't mind being my own valentine and that is my #RealityCheck

Unpleasant Assignment

When God entrusts you with a dream or dreams he grants you the grace to see you through until the very end. That is not where most of us go wrong . You disclosing your dreams out loud is not the problem so I have discovered.  We are all human born again or ratchet and we suffer from one humanly disadvantage, we give up so fast. For those of you who are wondering how it feels it to dream or be given a dream it's pretty much like ushering in a new year. You have everything figured out . The set goals and the people you intend to connect with.

Have you ever noticed that the first Sunday of the year everyone is a saint. We all walk into church all changed.  We confess of our previous sins and agree nodding to every word the servant of God speaks our way.  The second Sunday the fire is still burning deep inside you until that two worded monster dawns in #RealityCheck . The month is not looking up and the balance account is just enough to get you through a week if you are lucky.  You don't want to give up on God and you promised to change so you go to church the third Sunday. Something familiar and annoying creeps in. The sermon is almost the same as the last two.  Life has started getting on your nerves secretly.  The this is my year turns to is this my year?

The servant of God assured you that indeed it's time for you to be rewarded for all your hard work. Yes, God had finally answered your prayers. So each day you wake up expectant. You give generously as it will all be given back double the portion as the good book assures us.  What you were not told coming in your season was that as much as it would be handed to you , it will not be the way you always envisioned it. You come across obstacles.  Are you facing something or someone who is proving life a little more difficult for you?  That is your obstacle.

Like any human being you feel the urge to curse them out. Put them in their place. You are so human that part of you is already singing along to move b@#$ get out the way *laughs* oh its about to get ugly up in this mother before I let you rob me of my blessing.  That might not be you but it sound close enough doesn't it? I am about to cursed out but I will advise you anyway.  A wise lady told me that the easiest way to get a breakthrough is by praying for your obstacles to be blessed. Ofcourse like most of you I laughed then had on the girl have lost your damn mind? Obstacles are strategically placed in your life to perfect and mold you into your season. They teach you the virtue of being patient and calm. I heard that when you are calm and away from your busy scedule that is when God speaks to you. That is when he reveals and manifests himself when you are calm.

You would have gotten there on your own no doubt but for there to be a God given intervention and others to witness your miracle God ensures that you have no plan B. It's all him or nothing. You can even negotiate.  You just have to trust and allow for his will to be done.  This is the hard part. Staying in faith when you keep hitting walls and being kind to your obstacles.  Like any end product we all want results but no one us willing to stick around and withstand the process.  You want the good life but you don't want a workaholic man. You expect a pay cheque but you walk around bad mouthing your boss and complaining of how you hate your job. You want the lifestyle but you can't even appreciate the man going out of his way to please you.  We just want results but not the inbetweens. 

Ladies our grandmothers knew the secret to winning the heart of a man . It lies between wisdom and knowledge.  It's called humility.  I am not suggesting you trade in your designer clothes for sacks to appear humble but when you know what to say and when to say it , you will have that man in the house before you even start to miss him. The problem with today's modern woman is she thinks rather she believes anything a man can do she can do it better with heels on. Those heels would keep you warm at night. If you don't want and need a man live in your truth but don't expect the rest of us hopeless romantics feel guilty for falling inlove.  There is nothing wrong with a little TLC *Tender Love and Care* . That doesn't make me needy or incomplete but human.

It's an unpleasant assignment but my #RealityCheck

Month of Love

What is the one thing you love about yourself? The one thing that stands out in your opinion? Well even that at times doesn't feel quite enough if we are being honest. That irresistible smile slowly fades into a frown then you start loosing teeth and that is how your asset becomes a liability.

This month of love, don't just hope on one day to be showered with gifts. You are worth the trouble and like any well planned war because it feels like a battlefield at one point it doesn't begin and end in a day.

Don't expect the moon if you have only been offering yourself breadcrumbs. Ladies why should we not spoil ourselves just because the good book says that man should provide? Remind me again why we all struggle to make it to work on time? To earn. So let me get this straight you would rather spend thousands on a manicure than walk into a restaurant and buy yourself a hot meal least you are tagged as miss independent or worse you are already your own man?

Who on earth said that women need to be needy for them to land a good man? So until prince charming comes along am stuck here with a tall glass of water and a sandwich so as not to scare him away? If that's the case hand me the crown because before I put my life on hold for time to stand still, I will be the queen.

Love yourself a little more this month and the next one until the day that good man will come take it from there. How do you love if you have never experienced what love is first hand. The worst thing that can ever happen as far as am concerned is him feeling the same way or even more. Then you can't control it.

Go on, love it out. And that is my #RealityCheck

My heartfelt apology

I have been giving people advice through my experiences and going out of my way for others that I have forgotten how it feels like to be the one being offered.  How do you expect a surprise when you have been the one giving out surprises your entire life? How do you receive when no one has ever offered?  I am not blaming this on my past relationship but myself . I have infliceted this fear myself. I have never expected anything in return. I don't know how it feels like ladies, to be taken on a proper date and the man pays the bill. I have been my own man. That is why I haven't felt the need to settle down.

I love being independent and my freedom. Not having to answer to anyone other than my family and work. Yes, that has always been me having to make everyone else wait. See I thought I was a generous soul until I met another selfless beautiful soul. For those who are patient enough to understand me they know am anything but a bother. I hate feeling like I have to rely on you to come through for me when I know the rest of the world is expecting the same from you. If anything.I just want to take care of you. So please let me. If the roles were turned I would allow anyone take care of me.

How do I let my guard down? How do I let him in, all the way? How do I entrust him with the one thing I can't stand being disappointed ever again? How do I unteach my heart to bring down the walls and build up strength. I am pushing him away with my fears and causing him to second guess his feelings. It has nothing to do with him but me. I  ant believe am about to pull this corny line but it's not you,  it's me. I need to figure out my shit. I have been ready for you but I got caught up and wrapped up in my own bullshit that I was about to push my dream away. I am not about to declare my feelings just yet, one brick at a time.

Romeo am sorry if I came off too guarded and I will not justify my lack of paying extra attention. When you read this, you will know it's you and why am poring out my heartfelt apology.  I am so sorry. Ladies, please take it from me, if a man goes the extra mile to show you just how much you mean to him by offering to shower you with gifts millions would kill for, please don't let the fear of why rob you of your beautiful beginning. In the words of the diary of a black mad woman, please ask me again..... May God grant me the courage to accept your way of loving me

And that is my #RealityCheck

My open letter

If I am going to write this open letter, I will have to be honest with myself regardless of whether the one am writing about and to reads it or not.  I have a feeling he will but secretly I don't want him to. Please stop asking why ....

Dear Mr Gerrit All,
I miss you. I heard am all you talk about and to be honest I laughed simply because I never thought I left such an impact in your life.  It's been a while since we spoke and whenever we bump into each other it's always ackward because I want to keep it professional but at the same time want to awaken every inch of my body against yours. The things I have done to you in my mind are far much worse than our past combined.  Yes, I go there with you in my mind. Blaming it on the fact that am very creative and imaginative.  Forgive me Father for I have sinned and will continue to sin as long as I have breath in me and this hot temptation of a man continues to exist. 

Now that my partial lust is out of the way, how are you my darling? I don't need to hear or be told how well your are fairing. One look at you and my heart breaks. I know you are not fine. You can never admit you aren't either. I guess that is what makes me go crazy about you. Knowing you put on a courageous act though deep down you are in pieces. I am brave enough to come comfort you but at the same time, I have to let you tone down your demons. Mine are well caged in so I am not pointing fingers to judge you.  I understand. I am loving you from a distance.

By now I know the one question lingering your mind. Why do I call you Mr Gerrit All? You don't even have to ask , I am willing to give it all to you. Everything that money can't buy: positivity,  encouragement, care, love, affection, intimacy and prayers. I love you just the way you are and that is why I still invest in you. You are not perfect but you are me perfect. You are complicated and sophisticated nothing I can't handle. Baibèé🐝🐝 you can GERRIT All OF IT.....

I am not seated here dying inlove *giggles* . I don't want to continue writing this but I must. That is the only way I can live today knowing I did what I had to do. When God blesses you, you can't hide your blessings.  So how can I hide my love for you if I can barely keep it together at the mention of your name. We have unfinished business.  I had to kiss afew toads here and there, nurse afew shark and crocodile bites but the most painful bite of all was fear. Meeting you was different.  I was scared and excited both at the same time. I was composed but my voice trembled. The voices in my head went wild. Girls ....Ladies please control yourselves. I had to excuse myself every now and then just to gain control.

The reason why I am writing this is not to come off as corny but to let the world know that true love exists.  If I knew that going out of my way and loving another man selflessly would earn me this God given feeling, I would go back and it over again. I would let him humiliate me one more time. I would allow him ignore my efforts and curse me out in a condensending manner that you women are all the same.  I would allow him drain me again emotionally,  financially,  mentally and physically.  You were worth my pain . You were worth the wait. I love you enough to help you land the woman of your dreams. Who is she? I may not have much but I will always have extra to get you a plane ticket to go get her.

I have to admit that I had a hard time trusting God to bring the 'right' man in mylife because I heard God doesn't give you who you want but who you need. My prayers was God please atleast let him be good looking enough. I mean I just got heartbroken and settling with just any man will not do. Let him be handsome. God will surprise you I kept hearing the preacher say during Sunday services.  God we talked about this, please don't send me a broke man with a forgettable face.

You need to step up your game not just for yourself but those who look up to you. The rest of us can loose it but you have to keep it together. You have to, you must. So please take care of yourself and know that you are loved. Go for what makes you happy and never look back. I hope life treats kind as you have been to and with me.

From one great heart to another,
You are my #RealityCheck

Memories

A day like today 2009 on my birthday there was a fire traged at Nakumatt downtown . I was bored out of my mind and my then boyfriend showed up in one of the rooms I was in with flowers in his hands and I thought to myself great he got me a girlie gift. Not to sound ungrateful but gentlemen when you date a tomboy the last thing you want to do is make her feel uncomfortable by getting her gifts which make her feel guilty for not being a girlie girl. You know how women get all aww in public so I put on a little show just to show my appreciation. He always told me that he would get me what I don't want and the day was finally here. He laughed and gently whispered you don't have to pretend but enjoy am off to class.

Thirty minutes later we heard a loud bang and screams followed. Then it was completely dark. We all feared for our lives but more so on a personal level I was terrified of walking in public with flowers in my hands. There was panic and confusion everywhere. Then it was confirmed that just a block away Nakumatt downtown was on fire. I immediately went in shock and even as I write this my heart is beating out of my chest.

How do you move on from such trauma? How do you encourage someone who survived or lost a loved in to such agonizing pain? You don't. Instead you live through the good memories left behind , compose yourself and slowly take one step at a time .

Ever since that day, somehow I have found it hard to celebrate my birthday. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the cake but I have never made a fuss or a big deal about not getting presents or what I wanted. I felt guilty that by celebrating it out loud would only remind the families of their tragedies. That is the main reason behind my nothing answer. What do you want me to get you? NOTHING!

It was just disclosed to me by my sweet mum that on my birthday her and my old man secretly celebrate their anniversary. I always knew those two bunch of teenagers were up to something but now I know what. I have never felt more special in my entire life. Here I was thinking I didn't live up to their family name leave alone expectations but all along I served a purpose more beautiful than any title. No offense to my siblings but Hey *giggles* . No wonder am always positive on love and falling inlove. My parents don't have it altogether but seeing as they raised a bunch of imperfectly perfect kids, I don't mind God granting me that kind of love. I don't want to ape what they have but I want to live my love and shenanigans out with the one man who looks at me and still says baibee you can GERRIT ALL OF IT .

Forgive me if this time round I choose not to live in the past and celebrate myself. I have not forgotten about it, I just choose to use the memories to better myself and those around me. To those who lost loved ones, it's okay to create new memories not replacing them but they would want you to be happy. It's okay to cry but not wear sorrow as though that is your portion. It's okay to accept the help from someone else. You are not betraying their memories. No one can ever replace them but its time to forgive yourself and let go of the pain.

This is my birthday Present to you that until you can be strong enough on your own let me encourage you. Let someone else Love you until you learn to love yourself. 2016 it's okay. And that is my #RealityCheck