My poetry gallery

Everyone knows of Art gallery but what if there was a poetry gallery. A picture says a thousand words but what of framing what the heart feels through words?

In my mind this very morning I just opened a poetry gallery. There you will get to read what I was feeling at the moment for it has the date and time included. It looks like an Art gallery but it is nothing close to it. I can already see the guests I have invited people who share the same passion or even more. Curious young couples and older couples. Talented single people and only invited media.

I haven't decided yet where to place the open bar in my studio but there is nothing more poetic than talking and listening to live poetry with jazz playing . There is nothing I love the most than watching two people falling inlove. Knowing that they have a story separately and together. The fear of being vulnerable enough to let someone in and allowing them to teach you how to love them. To me that is one pricesless gift. Unwrapping the unknown. Being given the power and choosing not to use it. Trusting enough to let yourself feel whatever you feel and most importantly, allowing someone else love you and accepting that love.

And that is my #RealityCheck 

We have all been there

We have all been there! Haven't we all. Been so taken by someone that you felt as though secretly you were going insane . Especially someone different . Someone with unimaginable traits that only your heart knows that end up awakening your soul. I can only share from a female perspective although am sure the male one would be juicy. 

You just want to look good for him. Not dress code wise as much but fitness wise you want to be at your best. You always want to be smart not to sexy or laid back but professional with a you twist to the latest trend. You find yourself less guarded incase you chase him away or appear unkind in the presence of others. It's too much work to be honest. 

The part I love the most is the unknown. Ask me out already because I know just the outfit to wear and then he doesn't *laughs* when your thoughts disappoint your eyes, you tend to go back to your usual self and that is when the magic happens. Out of nowhere he texts, calls or shows up. 

Falling for someone is easy especially when you find yourself in denial and everyone else can see it. No he is just a cool guy or us guys are good friends or even worse we understand each other . 

I only hate that I cannot control how I feel because it ends up betraying me and I hate am so happy even if it's for a day, it feels more like a lifetime.

So yes, we have all been there and that is  a #RealityCheck

Dear heart, why him?

Out of all the men in this world and I have only met afew, why is it that my heart only wants this one man. Most importantly am the one with the eyes so tell me, what do you see in him that the rest of me doesn't? My mind and eyes agree that this time you are wrong but still you insist of beating for this particular man. 

I wish I knew what you know then I would be confident enough to stand and say yes, it's him. We have not even explored other options internationally so how can you be sure? I am at war with myself. Reality and even the facts are against you but still you are determined to go on. No wonder they call you are a bloody organ because you fight dirty. 

My heart is more stubborn than a new born. Your diaper is changed, fed you, soothed you to sleep but still here you are acting up. 19more days to figure out because come 2016 this has to stop. Beat all you want, bleed all you can but come new year you better have it all figured out. 

Or maybe am the one who is blind #RealityCheck 

The Bachelor Van

Married women and young hopeful ladies GAME OVER! I attended the well thought out car event and to be honest #soundfestea is my kind of event. I am talking about cars, music and the power of the bass. That is how I unfortunately became careless and cracked the screen on my phone. Now everyone thinks am not only irresponsible but a fish otherwise if beer didn't get me into some club or girl fight how else would I explain myself? The good news is that I don't have to considering it's the festive season.

The ultimate man cave on wheels has ruined the illusion of ever getting that man to comit. Think with me here ladies. If a legible or married young man is willing to spend half a million to pimp out his ride or more to purchase his dream car what makes you think he will not invest more on this new must have "boy toy?" I am not against it don't get me wrong if anything for a split second I wished I was a man but the logic behind it is what got me thinking that there is no way in hell any Kenyan man will trade in this yet to adopt behaviour for a random weekend , the same old road trip to Naivasha and make believe sham of a marriage. #RealityCheck

Ladies, you must be all sorts of amazing for this dreamy man to forgo the car and put a ring on that well reserved finger *giggles*. The bachelor van has it all and I can tell you one thing it's missing, his annoying friends. The ones who walk out every time you walk in, fake phone calls to appear important, the single ones who try to be the life of the party and somehow we can never get them out of the picture.

The bachelor van has a play station,  a pool table depending on your man's little bad habits, mini bar, a confortable couch or bed if he wishes to take his new home seriously and get this, he can even prepare his own meals *ouch*. There are ladies who are genuinely into sports and those who have mastered the art of forcing fate through sports but for a man going the extra mile to create a bachelor van, I smell rather I see where they are indirectly driving at.

So you moved in and he now feels as though you are chocking every breath in him because you are always there. What is done is done. He has tried suggesting you look for your own place but you are pulling a selective amnesia and now hearing. He feels guilty for having misled you for so long. You have  pulled every trick in the book to keep him interested. So now he is moving out and moving in the one place he knows you can never agree to turn into "our home" his car. So the next time you throw him out for being unfaithful or suspect him for bad behaviour and he says he is going to sleep in his car kiss that man goodbye.

And that is my bachelor van #RealityCheck

The Other Woman

Yesterday I was bored out of my mind so I decided to do what normal people do, see what else is out there. What is everyone else up to. I laughed, rolled my eyes, got mad, irritated but most importantly I felt the need to answer someone who wrote a very juicy piece about the other woman. Girl, you never let that other woman leave alone the world know you give a second thought to who she is leave alone what your "man" sees in her.

Listen, one out of the two reasons below will help you rather to help put your mind to ease. Relax! Am not the other woman but come to think of it, we all date someone whose heart secretly beats for another so that makes all of us men included the other "woman". That name just gave me an idea. Woo and man. Some of you naive or should I correct my village mind modern women woo the man literally. Do you see where the problem is. If at some point you feel like you are the one incharge of this realtionship , you are welcome . Problem solved. You are the problem not him.

Where was I, oh, two reasons. He is attracted to the other woman because she reminds him of you. What!? That is a man for you girlfriend. Selfish but true. You think that was a yikes but am coming for the kill. Ofcourse it's a man's job to care. So he has been supportive, friendly , charming and so on but see to a man, any man his intention is always good. Did he sit you down and ask you to be his? Why would he considering you already moved in, started acting like his wife and even went a step further and address his family members as inlaws. You even killed your dreams not to support his but invade his.lets be real . 

Gratitude and availability is not love. At some point she wrote what do the two of you talk about anyway and went further to ask, " do ya'l talk about me?" Girl please you might be good but not that good to be a topic in any conversation. Besides, how am I supposed to know you exist if the rest of us know him as a single man atleast he admits to being one. 

The most dangerous thought to any human being is knowing. So the fact that you suspect he is "cheating" you just sit there or hope he gets it over and done with then you can go back to being the happy couple everyone else is envying on the outside right? Girl, am the girlfriend you will never have so let me offer you some free and sound advice. When bad gets to worse make that man invest in you because we both know when a man is curious he will never stop until he quenches his thirst. So why not benefit from his little adventure. Enough with the threats and ageless drama consisting of why are you doing this to me blah blah blah. 

Stop googling her to try and see what he sees in her or how she is manipulating am sorry seducing isn't that the word any broken woman would use. I know I have used it before. Like I said am not the other woman nor am I a saint. I am simply using what I have learnt to help someone else. So why didn't I invest in my ex you may ask? He was broke, I was the one providing *laughs* good times huh!? 

The fact that just because he did not do all those nice things to you when you were together doesn't mean he is less of a man. I assure you he will go above and beyond for someone else just not you. Why not you? Because you are in another league and the more you try to bring him to your lane or go down to his you end up arguing. Honey, you have simply outgrown that man. He loves you but is not inlove with you. So you try to do the little things he noticed about you and the more you try the further he is slipping away. I get that. I understand you. I have been there but baby girl you need to love yourself a little more and do the right thing for you.

It doesn't have to go to a place where he is publicly humiliating you. That is where you cross the line. Men are patient and if you are a good lady, he will try not be the one to break up with you. He will make you break up with him eventually. But if he knows you were only there when times were good, you need some serious therapy because he will let you have it, all of it. 

In conclusion if you are the leading lady and have been blaming it on the type of friends he hangs out with, stop! You are living in denial. Wasted years and time is all you will get at the end of this other woman shenanigans. The two of you have grown apart and blaming it on other people or circumstances only makes you come off bitter and ridiculous. Don't go out there and get even either. Who ever said life stops when the one you love loves someone else? It doesn't if anything it helps you know that you did your best and it didn't work so don't wait to be buried. I think that is why we are loosing so many young people. 

Life goes on. When you get your priorities in order soon enough along the way, the right people and opportunities will show you why you never felt quite at home at "home". No one is willing to wait anymore and that is the sad truth. I would rather wait a thousand years on Gods promise am sure will come to pass than tolerate a relationship that leaves me all wrinkled on the outside and dead in the inside. 

Before I stop here let me hit you with a #RealityCheck before the one you are with messed you up, how were you with the one you were with and what baggage did you bring with you to this now " bad man?". Did you enter this new relationship too fast, with the intentions of getting back at your past or to be compensated? Be honest with yourself before I can help you point a finger at that other woman if that other woman even exists. 

Madness is not hereditary but it's self inflicted. 

Later on

It's going to hurt but I will thank myself later on.
I will be tempted to buy myself a bottle of red wine to drain away my sorrow but I will thank myself tomorrow
I might even be tempted to twerk the pain away but as I walk to work I will thank myself later on
It feels as though the world is always expecting more but even with less I find myself thanking myself later on

I will not compromise because I know what I have been promised later on is worth the wait, my fate and faith.
The process leaves me feeling as though there is no light at the end of the tunnel because am already on the highway on my way to a better later on
Being strong at times means having to admit that even though am not okay as of now but later on I will be

The only shame is not living up to your God given name
Live in the moment because later on that is all you will have a quick moment
Memories, afew regrets, what if , if only and finally life goes on
If you gave your all, it will pay off later on

Living a thankful life

It's not everyday that you wake up and you hear those words," live a thankful life". There is always something to be thankful about so as I write this, am doing some soul searching and come to the conclusion that I have so much to be thankful for. This far it has been the mercies and Grace of God. From "am pregnant" to "this is my last born ...my little baby girl". It has been an overwhelming journey with endless self taught lessons and some amazing memories.

2015 has not been the sunshine but who is to say it has not been? I have danced, cried, laughed, gone a little mad inside , made poor, better and bigger decisions that have grown me as a human being and a lady. Life isn't about discovering yourself but understanding what every phase has been about. I know better and I understand myself in a new light. I don't have to be celebrated to feel special because am already special in my own imperfections *I like that*

What is life without afew hiccups? What is life without faith?  What is life without God? Empty! Today am thankful for my past, my present and what is yet to come. ......to living in the moment with a grateful heart.

Continuous Reality

Am slowly forgetting and slowly adapting. It is a slow process but am getting by. Having to forget someone who meant something to your thoughts and heart is hard but when you allow yourself accept that if that amazing experience happened, what of the real deal? 

It is easier to complain and view life as a loss like you having to always loose something or someone in the process but think of someone who has never experienced that little amount of happiness. That they would gladly trade their lives to have just a moment of laughter and not just to laugh at a joke but laughing at the fact tha it has happened to them. 

I am not always positive about what life unfolds but when I get a chance to encourage or share I never shy away. Guess what yes I took a chance and it was something I thought was more of a fantasy than reality *that good* but then that season is over. 

I always find myself talking to my season like you were amazing and appreciate every lesson, memory and for this very moment but I can't be stuck hoping it never ends. So in the borrows words of Christian Grey, "laters baby". 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Am secretly in denial

Have you ever been sure of something but ended up distrusting yourself in the process and you end up being right? You have an idea for this grand project and you know it would bring in millions but you end up ignoring the thought altogether then you come across someone who to you " stole your idea and ran with it" and now you end up feel worse than before because you had it all along? 

Learn to listen to that clear voice that immediately tells you to either wait or go for it and you will benefit greatly if not richly . 

You don't doubt that you are good but the thought of others rejecting the idea makes you secretly in denial of your own dreams and accomplishments. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

All new

Let us be real there is nothing ever new, it is just another way of appoaching life. No one ever wants to leave a comfortable way of life just to venture into the unknown.  Ofcourse not that is not only suicidal but considered broad daylight madness.  So we all stick to what we are familiar to but what happens when that gets old and you find yourself with wondering eyes?

You might purchase a new dress but we all know it is to serve the same purpose. The only thing you can change that we are all aware is your opinion. If you can change and stick to the new norm then maybe we can say you got yourself a new attitude. It's only new if those around you are buying into whatever it is that you are "selling". 

I sometimes hate having to write because it almost feels as though am repeating myself. Yeah, I have read that before or didn't she just write that a while back? So I will stop myself before any of you rudely confirms that.

I don't want to have dates set because I always compromise later on. I am onto something and no it doesn't involve a man or woman.  It is just seeing how far I can go without having to worry about someone who is no longer in my life. Like I am the kind to worry from miles away even when we are not in talking terms with another human being. Am a strange species and I am trying my level best to let life unfold without having ulcers and uncalledfor wrinkles over caring. Yes, I care way too much. I am a work in progress ..........

And that is my #RealityCheck

Last weeks gift

The best gift a father can give his daughter is not buying her a new car or walking her down the aisle towards the man of her dreams but rather him giving her the key to unlocking life. 

I am talking about you know the way your parents are your second God so true by the way because last week I didn't have it in me to write or inspire anyone. I was just in my own female cave  where I was okay with the same old routine. 

My father is my biggest fan. He calls me his Sarakasi daughter and at times insists that am the son he always wanted through his actions. He already has three so why would he need a fourth one? In the eyes of my father am a jack of all traits. There is nothing his little girl can't do. She is his lawyer, his chef when mum  is having a lioness moment you know that not now and everyone lets her be *hahahahaha* sorry mummy! 

Most of all he tells everyone of how am a visonary and how they should listen to what I always say. I am sorry I had to take a moment to compose myself. The little things to me are the ones that matter. He believes in me so much that at times I wonder what he sees the future holds for his little girl. 

My father brings out the dreamer in me. He laughs whenever I share my unrealistic make belief but he never brings me down. He may laugh but he listens and always ends up saying Amen it will come to pass. That humbles me. 

It's like he knew I was having a slow day so he went grabbed his bible and gave me a word and insisted that if God did that for one of his servants who prayed earnestly he will do the same for me. And so at first I say there and thought yeah yeah yeah, same old dad trying to encourage me but then it hit me. I don't believe in coincidences so this must have a deeper meaning. Long story short, what I have been praying for almost one year changed with a simple dad given word and today my prayer was answered. 

It's silly to everyone else but God knows that my silly is what gets me on my knees. It's a gift passed on to me by my best friend and now I hope that person gets to enjoy it as much I always do everytime I do it. It is a blind devotion 

And that is my #RealityCheck

Answered prayers

This is just a thank you note to the love of my life. I always tell myself or imagine that the one for me is my biggest fan when it comes to my shenanigans aka art of writing so darling I will always adore you but God will always be first. 

It has been one of those weeks where you feel you have what it takes but still nothing is looking up. I have had nothing but faith as far as my answered prayers go. You know you love something or someone when you want the best them even if it's not you. You only get to show you care from miles away because deep down you know what they are going through because at one point you were down that road. 

When you are faithful to your prayers and persist knowing deep down its not to benefit yourself but those around you, it takes a while. At times it becomes frustrating. The more you pray the worse things become or so it seems but if you have a heart of a lion not willing to be shaken by the immediate or the lack of change in the natural surely you will come out victorious. 

I don't mind that God did not have to use me to change that situation around but am glad he entrusted me with this heartfelt assignment and now I can't seem to thank God enough. It feels unreal even though my heart is glad. 

I am thankful and will forever live to remember this answered prayer and moment. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

My Saturday 7pm

All around us, we find motivation if not reason to either stop take in the moment or walk on if not away no giving it a second look. Today, I choose to stop and  allow my mixed emotions and fear have the best of me. The more I zoom in back and forth, fast forward and rewind, I realize that I don't even need to read to ask questions. I am pretty good at that but like I confessed, tonight am all about what is being presented before my very own eyes. 

I have just realized that when on a farm the more you dig a hole the more you are likely to dig deeper and you will probably end up hollow like the hole you dug. While we are all under the illusion that the deeper you go the deeper the roots will go but that is not entirely true. Sometime all you need is to uncover the warm soil beaneath the surface and the nutrients are right there. So by digging deeper on one hand you are covering what you already need and you end up frustrated.  On the other hand you end up worn out and the seed in mind ends up being buried in unfertile soil. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Amazingly strange

It's amazing how God can use the least expect situation and person to get you to where you are supposed to be. When something is meant to be, God will make a way somehow for you first of all to be interested and for you to be there. 

Have you ever heard of all you have to do is wake up and breathe and I will take it from there, well that is what I am experiencing at the moment. I have got to admit God has me laughing and smiling. I should be mad and feel anything else but not what I am feeling. 

Have you even been faced with a situation that instead of questioning you just sit there like okay. It's not that am uncertain I inow what is about to happen but I don't want to admit it, not just yet. Am waiting to see how it unfolds. 

And that is my #RealityCheck

When you can no longer run

What happens when you come face to face with the one thing you have been running from? See my guess is, you can choose to look the other way or sit there and be silent. But what if it's in line with your destiny. Some of you have out grown you dreams because they took too long to become a reality. I get that but answer me this, were you given a time frame like the exact date it would happen and still didn't happen? So why are you still mad? 

Dreams are like prophesies. Some would even conclude and say you can not be prophesied unless at one point in your life  you dreamt about it. You know that thing deep down that you keep brushing off like please that would never happen and of all the people me? That is the one am talking about. 

You can run and even hide but you can't postpone timing. They say the timing has to be right sure but see your timing and its timing are two differ things. Tell me this, why is it that when you want to be in a relationship like no one absolutely and I mean no one even approaches you. But when you are determined to focus on your life what's left of it *we all think it* the proposals overwhelm you like an unseen tornado. 

There is no such thing as the perfect timing. When it happens it will happen all on its in. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Who takes care of you?

You are always busy taking care of everyone else but who takes care of you? My sweet October.  How I have longed for you like a young bride awaits her big day.

A new month, a new opportunity,  new friends, new love and new adventurs.  There is so much to look forward to.

I don't mind having to take care of everyone else but has anyone ever walked up to you and asked who takes care of you superman/woman?

It is okay to let people down and find rather make time for yourself.  If God is the only one who you could say is always taking care of you, then you need to let down the caring party and start living your life not having to feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.

And that is my #RealityCheck.

Good Bye September

It was beautiful while it lasted. Oh September right from August I knew there was something dark about you. I couldn't quite put my finger to it but I knew you were going to surprise me in a not so me way. I even asked around and felt encouraged on learning a friend has a birthday in this mysterious month though deep down I shared my uncertainty with him about you.

I knew I had to go through you to get to where I look forward to. To bein with acting like I am going to miss you is not my style so until next year please September be good to me. 

With rewards comes sacrifice. People say January is hell on earth but you son of a woman deserve an Oscar for keeping me on my toes in a way I would rather forget. You weren't awful just not what I had in mind. I had expectations. I always have monthly expectations and yours felt more of like someone " Hi5 'ved my face". 

I will take what you taught me and use it to get through what is left of this year. Despite it all, we had our own little fun. You stood out and roughed this already tough cookie. 

Thank you September and whatever happens know that you will always hold a special place in my brain and heart. You had the bitter sweet effect I have always craved for. 

Bye darling....

And that is my September #RealityCheck 

My kind of jeans

This is something I have been struggling with for the longest time. In my life time I have only had one or two pairs of jeans that did wonders to my brain. 

I want to own a jeans clothing line but haven't almost everyone we know. You always feel like you have that special touch that would boost leave alone the physical but the emotional side of both men and women. 

I am a sucker for a man who knows how to dress his body. We will have a suit talk but for now let's talk denim. When a man puts on a "mum Jean " that to me is a cry for help. He is so comfortable that he doesn't care what the rest of you think. Do you have any idea how long it took him to pull the look. Well I wouldn't know considering I am a lady. 

Gentlemen don't get me wrong but the tight Jean look only looks good on a particular kind of a man. Take Chris Brown for example that man looks good in anything he puts on. Then there is the gentleman kind of Jean that you would find on Tyrese or Trey Songz. I like my men tall but having said that I don't mean to compare the good everyday man with these men. You are a unique individual so let's stay clear of the cigarette pants and mum jeans. 

The shade has to be right for the men. I don't have a problem with men wearing bright colors but to me it's a turn off. You come off trying too hard. Again that is my opinion. I am not into trends so I would appreciate if my man was the conservative type as well. 

Ladies would agree with me on this that is ladies of a particular age. We all want that Jean that hugs your body just about right, not too tight around the wait and grabs your thighs in position and makes you want to drop like you are hot when you turn around. That priceless feeling is better than hearing the man you are inlove with brag about you in public. It feels like the jeans and you are one. You don't even need to be complemented because you already feel and see it. It makes you feel and act important. 

The wrong pair of jeans can make even a strong superwoman like myself insecure in seconds. No one wants to feel as though you have diapers on when instead of it holding your curves in position shows the opposite. Emotionally you not only feel unattractive but not good enough. Take notes gentlemen. It is not easy so when you see her in her pair of jeans you better act you are seeing her nude for the very first time. Too much I don't think so. 

For now I am still I search of that #RealityCheck pair of jeans. 

What is going on?

I am going through the lyrics word by word trying to figure out what's going on with you. So I decided to google and find the meaning behind your words. No dictionary is clear enough to explain what I want to see so I decide to go out of my way and think in my mother tongue but in vain. I feel like I need a special brain dictionary custom made for my brain. 

I would ask you what is going on but I already know the answer to all that. So I decide to put myself in your shoes and understanding what was going through my mind back then I did what I did and I am shocked by the results. I feel like I am writing but in my mind I am rapping. 

See only you gets and brings out this side of me but like we both know we are too proud to work on it. Unlike you though I am here blogging and hoping that a younger or older version of me gets this before they let a good thing slip away. This is also for everyone else lost and well locked out in our world. 

No matter how many times I will try and explain, they will never understand and that is okay because somehow I know you will. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

8pm

When something in you awakens, you never look back. That alone is reason enough to go from hero to zero. Have you ever looked at today's relationships and thought to yourself like is one woman ever enough for this modern man?

Being single I am hesitant to go back to the dating world and even though this is not a big deal to most of you, I can't help but wonder will my mysterious man ever look at me and say baibèé you are enough. Sure good enough to take to the village but not good enough to bring to your office party. 

I am just curious like are there such men left or will you get bored after having test driven the life out of me only to purchase a new car? Old cars belong in the garage so in this case old or dying men. 

Good things take time but what if one month is all I have to offer? Forget act like a lady think like a man rules, how about we make our own rules. Will that be enough to get your heart beating for me while your eyes wonder in search for more?

I don't know but for now this is my #RealityCheck 

Good vs bad

I have borrowed the idea of matching up the good against the bad from why did I get married.

It turns out that there is more to who this man is in my life over what I want to feed my mind. Good things about him in less than thirty minutes four pages against two pages of what I don't like about him. 

I don't quite remember what she said about if the good out weighs the bad all I recall is her saying if it's bad then to hell with it. I will have to rewatch to see what am supposed to do with this good result. 

The reason why I decided to share this not my results but this experience is because it's therapeutic. You don't have to keep feeling like you are weighing everyone around you down with the same old ," I care but I don't want to act on it". Heaven knows am tired of always having to ask, so what do you think? No allow me to figure it out on my own. I know you have a lot going on with you so I got myself in this mess/love so I will be the one to save myself. 

Friends are priceless but when you learn to handle things on your own not perfectly but when you sit down and be brutally honest alone and realize you had the answers all along life gets easier. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Life in session

How do you expect to learn if you cannot be taught? I recall the many times I kept saying and still say,"It's not my thing". The reason for always using such words is to talk not only myself from doing it but to talk the person telling rather asking me to do it know that I have already blocked the idea out. So I am writing out my weakness in the hope of actually righting it. I am not going to or bring asked to fall inlove with the task but the reason why they entrusted me with it in the first place was because they knew I would deliver and deliver it well.

So am not going to block out suggestions even though they are not what am used to but I will gladly take it up because someone is willing to not only ask for my help but entrust me to deliver.  It is an honor having yo go to bed knowing I made a difference in someone's life.

You are all probably wondering what got me going tonight. Well it's tea! I do not care for any cup as long as it's not milk I have already blocked the idea out. I don't mind preparing a meal for an entire family of ten or more or doing the dishes after but having to prepare a cup of tea feels like I am being forced to wear two inch heels. Like are you kidding me? This is Africa to be specific Kenya and Kenyans love their tea but I don't unless it's on a cold day. What ever happened to offering people a glass of water? Yes, let's bring that back!

For the sake of those I care and around me, I am starting today going to start liking the idea of preparing tea and serving it with a smile on my face. I used to be this selfless girl but when I realised that people took advantage of my kindness I joined the selfish crowd. Who knows perhaps my future has tea lots of it coming...... oh boy! I am going to purchase a kiss the cook apron just to motivate me.

Tea anyone?

And that is my #RealityCheck

lost if not caught in the moment

What happens when you pray and God decides to give you a break?What do you do when your prayers are answered? I am still struggling with this. That is one of the reasons why I haven't been here in a while. I have so much to write about but when God stopped me everything came crashing in. When you are used to certain outcomes you always make other plans to make a come back. So what am I supposed to do when my plans *in my head* are "ruined". I hope I am making sense because I am not to myself anyway.

I am no longer incharge so I am forced to wait. In other words I don't know of what to do next. I am faced with a what now situation. You read my mind. I want to pack wait I don't even have the time to gather anything like I just want to run. Just when I internalized the self made lie that it was all in my head. ...run baby girl ....run I get a reality check. You need to commit. Wait what!? Are you asking me to stay? I feel as though this is a joke but then again am not laughing.

What do you give for all what you got?Are you demanding more than you give?What do people get when they get you? You have been more casual than committed.

I will leave you with this for now as a #RealityCheck

1:34pm

That is my source of inspiration. 1:34pm . Goodness gracious I am still looking for the words to putting into writing what this  source has done while trying to compose my mind because am about to go mad with so much information. This is as real as I will ever be so forgive my language. 

What do you ladies when you so badly want to be his source of inspiration but you ain't shit! Let me explain. What do you do when the man you are with means more to you than you mean to him. Men are good at hiding how they feel so they cover up by showering you with what they feel you deserve. Feels more of a bank relationship. Scary huh! At any given moment your funds will run out so you do everything possible to stay relevant. 

Actions speak louder than words and when it comes to the male species what a man does speaks volumes than what he says. Let's go to the social media it's not what he updates on Facebook but rather what he likes that personally I take into account. It's not what he tweets but rather retweets. It's not what he posts on IG but rather what he double taps to the catches my eye. 

I am just sitted here taking notes. 

 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Fear part III

Sometimes all we want is a break from it all. Not to have to hear the I told you so or ridiculous questions like what were you thinking, just some peace and quiet. For those of you who are blessed enough to take a holiday, do that. 

For the rest of you who are dying on the inside but have to put on a brave face for the rest of the world, I had to be down for me to tell you how I got through my fears. I did not hide although I wanted to I couldn't. I had to improvise. Music was my own little escape. Drake music kept me in focus and that particular time so was Nicki Minaj. I was mad and everything that I watched and listened to felt as though it was speaking to my soul. 

I remember rewatching the diary of a black mad woman and breaking down. I felt her pain. I could relate to her agony and then slowly I stared healing when I heard that you have to forgive him for you . You have to forgive yourself. It is amazing how a hurting heart is willing to hold on to so much pain. 

Allow me ask you this, who misled you?

Who is "Charles "? 

For every bad break there is always a good break waiting but you have to be ready by letting go of the past. 

And this is my #RealityCheck

At the end of it all I held on to the dear words of Orlando. 

Fear part II

Redefining yourself after life is done with you. When life knocks you down and all of a sudden the familiar brings uncertainty and you feel so lost what do you do? You run away in the hope of saving what is left if there is anything left. 

The most amazing thing is no matter how  far you run or long you hide, you will end up having to face the very same thing you were runnin away from. You changed your dreams of wanting the good life to settling for whomever is willing to have you and not necessarily accept you. 

You change your goals from being this passionate go getter to ms/mr let's just work with the majority. After all numbers never lie. How do you even handle such a lifeless human being? How do you bring them back to life after they have given up on themselves? 

You let them be. The worst mistake you can ever do is try and bring in the word of God. Like where was God when I lost it all? Did he not have the same plans you claim he has for me back then? Isn't this all part of his great plan? That only shifts the anger to hatred. But by showing up and assuring them that you are there with them along the way makes it less painful and easier. Not by holding their hand but by just being there and allowing them get over that painful low phase creates room for communication. 

And that is my #RealityCheck

7 o'clock

I am learning to praise God in my journey and not in my destination. It's amazing how people define you by where they met you given your then circumstances. Have you ever been in a relationship where you were required to be the complete opposite not to fit in but because at the time you were required to sacrifice to make it work? 

Being a church girl and spending most of my time with guys who did not share the same "holistic values" and dating a drunkard is not what my folks had in mind as far as their daughter was concerned. But I was young, rebellious and inlove. 

We were lost in each other's dreams rather I was lost in making his dreams a reality that at some point  I had to choose between my career and him and ended up choosing him. Talk of the ultimate sacrifice. He didn't ask me to but I felt that if he made it, I would have accomplished atleast one dream in mylife.

As soon as he got an opportunity to advance in life, he did not hesitate to leave me behind. Things that come too fast are dangerous. The set of friends he got himself saw me as a hinderance. From bein his angel to being generalized as you women are all the same was the reward I got from holding a good man down when all he had was a glimpse of a better tomorrow. 

So forgive me gentlemen if I don't hold your hand when times get hard and I don't pray for you when ends don't meet. Forgive me if I don't humble myself enough to want to be in the bad times and only want the good times when you have figured your shenanigans out. 

I am not bitter and will never take it out on a good man but am not about to replay the past with a new man. I will not mold a young man into a fine gentleman for other women to spit on my face. I am not about to sit and watch you throw your hard work down the drain just to get laid by entertaining the immediate fame. 

With all due respect I wouldn't mind another woman going out of her way for me the way I did for another. So wherever you are pretty angel thank you for taking care of that man for me. Thank you for putting up with his foolishness and know that I have his best interest at heart.

If we happen to fall inlove, I will not feel guilty for not being the one to have urbanized his village ways. When he finds me,I will fall head first and time will be our dance floor. I will adore,celebrate and thank God for him.The reason why am saying all this is because I understand you will be like the old bitter me. Who felt cheated, unrewarded and short changed by God.

I am only human and live by my own truth. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Fear part I

The truth is am afraid. We all are . When you have had a bad break and a breakthrough comes along, we tend to push it away. Not because you don't deserve it but because you are afraid of starting to get used to it. 

When a man or woman disappoints you to the point of always owning up to " I am used to that or nothing good ever comes my way" as an identity that is when you need to stop, breathe and ask yourself if what you are feeding your mind is true from the heart. 

You are scared that he or she will leave eventually. That they are just putting on a show. They are too good to be true. How do you like a person in such a short amount of time? It must be lust. I must be lonely . I have got to stop being desperate. I am beyond vulnerable. These are all characteristics of fear. 

Like I blogged earlier, your emotions either trigger fear or excitement. Take a moment and gather your thoughts. You can't be honest with yourself until you are emotionally and mentally sober. Don't force yourself to reason but let the thoughts come to you. Relax. 

I have learnt that you can make it your mission to ask as many strangers of their opinion but unless you can ask yourself they will always advise you according to their own life experiences. They will stop making it about you and all about them . You will end up feeling worse. 

And that is my introduction about fears #RealityCheck 

Thought Sunday

You can't make a difference as a woman with emotions. You need to be sober and I believe that is why when a man takes on a task it gets done because they never let their guard down. 

I am starting to feel overwhelmed. I need to find a balance. So I have challenged myself to a rather difficult task and it turns out I got emotional at first. So I had to talk myself out of the project. The mind  is powerful but I can handle it. 

When dealing with either good or bad news you need to stop first. Stop then breathe. There is what you know and what you see. Two different things and you can start to feel a fire beginning. Do not allow the present cloud your mind. Just because it looks one thing doesn't mean it is what it appears to be. Maintain your cool. Calm down. The minute you start to feel as though your blood is about to boil that is when you loose it. 

Never allow your fears create doubt in your mind. Remember you are not the rest of the world. You are different. There is a reason why deep down you don't buy into reality atleast until you finally accept it. 

Stop, breathe and ask yourself are you convinced? There lies your answer.  Don't over think it because you will find yourself questinging your judgement regarding the situation. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Late Evening but it's never too late

It never what is seems happens to be my theme this year or rather what am being taught this year. Ladies I rather not call them women because some if not most rushed. They either settled to soon with the wrong man or thought that whatever they were going through could be fixed with the picture of a new man in their lives. 

And it did. It made sense. The rest of us at some point secretly accepted and joined the rest of the world to celebrate this match made couple. I learn a lot from my best friend and the one thing she keeps reminding rather asking me whenever we hear of a friends relationship sinking down the drain and them trying to prove to the rest of the world that they are "Just Fine" is ," Young girl don't you love yourself?" " Why are you denying yourself the chance to be happy?" And I always tell her , " girl such ladies would rather die than leave that man" 

When did this "Mine" mentality take over. Damn like I just had a revelation. Be like Ruth in the bible. She clung to Naomi. But now comes my favorite part," who or rather what is this that you are clinging on?" The love that Ruth had for her mother in law was unheard off. I wonder how many married women would cling to their mothers in law in this day and age. That is a topic for when I cross that bridge . Soon. 

We females always know and anyone who says that they never saw it coming is drunk on the illusion that they are still the ideal woman. The one that never gets dumped but rather does the dumping. The one who believes that any man would be lucky to have her because she thinks she is the centre of his universe. Have I got home yet? Good. Get off your high horse girlfriend and let's talk. 

No man should ever lay his hands on any woman. Your hands were made to comfort , caress  and cater to her needs as her significant other. Gone are the days working women use their children as bait to stay. It's not to late for your son to grow up respecting women without having a father figure rather than watching his own flesh and blood slowly kill his mother. 

The only thing holding you back is fear.  You are afraid no single man would marry leave alone date a " used woman" as society puts it. Gentlemen you are also afraid that either the next one could be a golddigger or the step mother from hell so you stick to the familiar and opt to cheat. Life is less complicated that way. 

Watching these young ladies being frustrated in their early twenties after the " self made dating dream" fails ( you meet a man and before you know it, you have moved in and months later you are knocked up so you can't leave) got me writing this. If there is anyone out there who can read this and somehow benefit and understand that you only stop trying to have a new beginning when you die then anything is possible. 

Don't condemn yourself anymore. Society has done an amazing job on you so now what? You followed your heart but ignored your head. Whatever reason as to why you did what you did, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Shit happens so why are still in and with that "shit?" What lesson are you trying to teach this uncaring world that you that died a hero? The only people who will suffer are your children and family and even six feet under will blame you for their short comings. So you see even then you won't rest in peace. 

I wish the same energy you consume crying and complaining is the very same one you use to be happy. Life is not a rehasal and even though vows are not meant to be broken if your wounds are more than your will to live then leave. Like I said you owe absolutely no one any explanation. 

Love is a sarcrifice but it's not meant to burn nor leave scars. If it does then your heart is not in the right place and you need to switch and find your missing rib. 

And that is my late evening #RealityCheck. 

My 1 o'clock

Good days are like a good man, they take too long. I can already hear my inner self going all ,"preach it girl". I am my own biggest fan so need I say more? And when something good finally happens, it feels as though it's rushed because it doesn't last long enough to be celebrated. 

So you are forced to cling to every moment and good memory it presented you. Though short if leaves you feeling alive again. I want that this month. I can't dwell on the memories of August although I have to admit it was amazing. You can't fast forward this month just to get to October. So I am going to train my mind and thoughts to appreciate the process and any mission set out this rather dry month. 

September

My unpredictable month. I have tried researching what usually happens during this time of the month with no success. I seem to be suffering from selected amnesia. 

I have a million and one things on my agenda or so it feels like it and I feel as though I might be short changed this month. I am not going to talk myself out of good things just because I feel as though wait a minute... Let me work on what I know about this month so far. 

I have a to do list. These bills will not pay themselves *laughs* and am not the kind to ask for an extra hand although right about now a sponsor is not a bad idea. Hey am blaming I on the uncertainty. This month is full of tests and treats and the worst part is both of them appear to be the same. 

To those of you who start a new year this month, happy birthday darlings and may your joy spread through this dark tunnel . Men I hate surprises 

And that is my new month #RealityCheck 

The Prodigal Son Part II

I urge you my dear reader to never be afraid nor ashamed of sharing your experience. It is never to "out" another person or air your own dirty laundry but someone of us are meant to go through such processes to be a voice. I take my blogging as a positive platform to encourage those who are secretly considering taking their own lives, those who think they are alone in this of which it's not the case and those who are not willing to come to terms with reality. For those of you bored and are looking for something to keep them entertained I deeply apologize for misleading you. Not everything is for everyone and happily in my case this is not your thing either. Sorry!

So now that we got that cleared let's go back to " the lost son". I have already identified my lost case seeing rather testifying that I too was a lost well closed case or so I thought. Nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason both good and bad. I know much about the bad because at times I feel as though I have been living under a dark grey cloud. It is ever raining and not just raining but heavily. I could sure use some sunshine but it is through the drought that I have come to appreciate it all. 

Ladies, I hear you only appreciate a good man when you have dated a bad man. There is no bad man just that he wasn't ready for your ridiculous awesomeness. In my little blog such words exist. 

It is not up to you to judge the prodigal son especially when you can relate. When you were down and alone what is the one thing you craved for the most? Love, hope and someone to assure you that it gets better. So why are you acting as if you are better than her/him? 

Luke 15:17 " When he came to his senses that is the part I love the most about this story. He/she is not a gone case. Don't turn your back when they need you the most. Borrow afew pointers from Blind Devotion. Hang in there. It gets better.  My secret is simple. I am praying for him reminding God why he deserves a second chance. 

Then comes the selfless part. No am not asking you ladies to be like the bitter brother. You remember how he left and what he has been up to perhaps with other women. But I urge you if your intentions are good and you have a pure heart be like the father and celebrate that he was dead and now he is alive ; he was lost  and now he is found." 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

6:22pm

Oh young love. Watching these  high school kids go at it leaves me thinking of myself back in the day. Was I rebellious why Ofcourse. But being in a realtionship was the last thing on my mind. I was suffering from my own insecurities to allow someone else point them out. 

An old fashioned in afew ways. All I wanted was a kiss. I never drunk even though believe it or not I used to hide the liquor for the guys in our class in my locker. No I never smoked weed or did drugs. I guess that is why hanging out with guys made it easier for both parties. 

I guess at this day and age it's hard to find boys and girls being just friends. Is that why ladies and gentlemen can't be friends without the benefits? Sad. I know what you are thinking. I already have enough friends like why would I just invite a lady out to have a conversation over a cup of coffee? The coffee won't pay for itself now will it? I hear you although in my opinion yes just my opinion I think you have a Stone Age mentality. 

There is more to life than taking each other's clothes off. Or does it just exist in my head? 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

The prodigal son

Isolation is the last step before destruction. I am about to foretell what is about to happen. Your downfall will come as a surprise to many but not me. I know where your heart is but you have always had the wrong attitude. I admire your courage and efforts but only a mothers love can save you this time. If she can pray for your soul, God will have mercy on you. 

Humble yourself young man and God will take you places no eyes have seen it ears have heard. If only you would pay attention to God and not the gifts you have been entrusted in. You have celebrated the blessings more than the one who honored you. 

You will be fine in the end for you will learn the hard way. This is not just a blog this Sunday afternoon. This is my heartfelt story for what is already happening behind the scenes. Seek God and he will guide you on your way back home. 

The prodigal son. That is who I call you. I hope you read this sooner than later. No one can get to you because you think you know and have it all. All that is about to change. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

4:38

I always tell my BFF that when a lady you secretly root for without her knowledge as far men go starts acting hostile towards you it means she sees something in you that you don't see. Pleas let me explain. Ladies kindly take a seat before hitting the club becaus this could be the blog that changed everything you thought you knew about yourself. 

She has no idea that you are her biggest fan saying nothing less of how amazing she is and that any of your male friends should take a chanc on. But then out if no where she develops an attitude and you think to yourself perhaps she has a bad day, we all have one of those but when it finally dawns on you that she has become somehow hostile towards you please don't return the favor. 

She is not the problem you are. See ladies when you are nice and good to other ladies it doesn't make you less attractive but rather it genuinely shows of how beautiful your heart and pure your soul is. So instead of others seeing the beauty in her, they start to see the beauty in you. That is my secret day to day hand and body lotion please do not misuse this information. 

Where was I oh I tend to be lost in my thoughts. So what you are doing is transferring your positive energy towards them but in real sense you are indirectly releasing any negative thought about them by paying them a complement which leaves you feeling at ease. 

I will let you in on anothe secret. She can't stand you because she sees and knows that you are a threat. You have something that she wants but can't have. It's not anything tangible to be honest but she fails to understand what either her man or a man she is interested in sees in you. For all your naive self knows us you and him are just friends. It's that chemistry and effortless smile you bring out in that man that she craves the most. 

Ladies, the more you fight it the uglier you appear to that man. I have already said enough. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

9am

I want to give up. I want to to give up so bad that when I hear the mention of your name I have to figure out if you are my fan or not. I feel like you are everyone's superhero but never show up when it comes to me. Friday is the new Monday whereby I feel the entire week has drained everything good from me. 

I am strong enough on my own but at times I wish you could atleast pretend to offer to help knowing very well that I would turn the offer down but it's the thought that counts. 

I am not giving up even though I wish you would get out of the way .... Like pave way for the rest of us but something deep down *hope* tells me to stop trying to fool myself and wait . I might look the other cheek but am afraid you might like that side of me as well. 

5.59pm

That is how you know you are either over someone or inlove with them. When you get the chance to get even but you choose not to. You honestly don't expect an applause from the other party but when you are all alone and you look back at the opportunity and somehow find the strength to stay humble that speaks volumes. You have not only grown as a human being but you are ready for what life unveils next. 

It's never much but isn't that what life is all about the little things. Words like am sorry, until next time, I miss you, am proud of you , I am thinking about you, I care and I love you. Those are small words to some but to the rest of us if wrongly used can leave deep wounds. 

So the next time you are presented with a get even situation just take a moment and think if there is a difference between you and the party you involved. That will determine if you are still stuck in the season or use it as a reason to figure out what next for yourself. 

Will it pay off, try it and tell me how it goes. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Dreams

Hold on to your dreams because they are  the one thing no one can rob you off. But the worst thing that could happen would be watching someone else live your dream. Like don't just dream but start living if not acting out your dream. 

When you dream you have nothing to loose. It could either come true or not. Don't fantasize then dream and act all *its    God given* it's a confirmation from heaven. No let's be realistic. Don't obsess with your dream either. Just like love it will unfold naturally. 

The more you want it, the worse reality gets. The more you want to be inlove the more lonely you become. When you least expect it love happens. Well is strikes. Well so do dreams. When you are just about "done" it comes true. 

Don't just hold on to your dreams with a big spoon or shovel waiting to hide what you think might be "stolen", live your life full of expectancy. It might not be today or yesterday or tomorrow but it could be the day after you finally calm down. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

My 11:50am

It's a shame that we are always looking for inspiration everywhere else but never in the people who stayed when everyone else left. We always complain of how things are not looking up while we are the ones looking down on the blessings in our lives. How can you ask for more when you barely notice the plenty already surrounding you. 

Life rather real life events have opened my eyes. The baggages we already have and the ones we always want to drag along to new places are part of the reason why more is never enough. 

If you want that good man ladies you have got to stop dragging your bad experiences with bad men in the already positive atmosphere. Gentlemen if you want that one of a kind lady you have got to change your mindset and game plan. New strategy. If she is worth it she will be worth the struggle. Don't settle for the already readily available lady who appeared just when you hit the jack pot. 

Easy come easy go. You invest so much in getting ahead only to realize that what you should have been doing was appreciate and give a little more attention to what life has presented you. There is what you go for and what life has presented you. Whatever you decide know that time will not sit still on the other side waiting for you. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

From my heart to yours

Am going to need something strong to keep me well blacked out. I can't sleep. I am battling with my heart. My head and heart are in agreement that I am missing you. I would rather read old magazines or count sheep than admit to your face. 

Life goes on. Love is not a walk in a rose garden with petals and beautiful lighting. Love is not about having the right gown on or even any make up on. Love is expressing how you feel. Using words to creatively reward the mind and heart. 

Am sorry but please allow me to miss you just for tonight. 

To the wondering hearts out there this is from mind to yours #RealityCheck 

Preparations

Let me start by saying that I am proud of myself. If yesterday was a test honestly speaking on a personal level I failed miserably but on a challenge one, I out dis myself. I brought down those self made walls termed as shy. 

I used to be a social happy human being now am only happy sometimes and as for making new friends well you could say that ship drowned along with the titanic. I only go for the casual hi and bye and major in going silent on the party that I least approve of. I could come off as arrogant but in real sense am distancing myself to listen to my inner voice. Should I trust you? Can I trust you? That is why I always leave room for serendipity. You have my attention so go ahead and do you. 

I knew August had some hidden fun in it but if I was going to enjoy it I would have to go out of my comfort zone. Who wants to do that? Definitely not me. Yes I always convince myself there is plenty of time to have fun after having invested and accomplished. Then it hit me. I had four months to a new year. My life is on the right track but I can do more. 

In preparation of the good times ahead, I am planning on bringing down more self made barrier. I feel guilty for enjoying myself. For people who are used to routines trying to squeeze in change can lead to misunderstandings. 

I am glad I took a step of faith. I also learnt that when you sarcrifice, it pays off. Did it pay off, you will have to wait and see .

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Misunderstanding

Don't let misunderstandings cloud your judgement. What you interpret sometimes gets in the way of your happiness. In the heat of a moment you find youself throwing away beautiful memories only to regret later on. 

I don't want to be that kind of a lady. I am human and will blow things out of proportion but I will try my level best not to allow what I see or hear block out what and who you already are to me and mylife. 

I am not saying we will kiss and make up acting as though we are video vixens of "us against the world" . This is real life so there is no rehasal just light, camera and action. We will argue but I will take time to reflect if I was quick to overreact or you have been stringing me along on your journey of "whatever happens happens" 

And that is my #RealityCheck  

My 11 o'clock Reality

So am minding my own business trying to make ends meet by doing what I do best and no not smiling my way to the top the easy way but am comfortable with the game plan life has presented me. 

Then this somehow shy gentleman walks right up to me. We exchange our halos and what not trying to keep the conversation interesting if not going then he finally decides to ask if am married. As usual I laugh thinking to myself just my lack just when am alone doesn't mean am supposed to look, act and carry myself as though am neglected. 

I always knew he liked me and had asked me out but I never took the invitation seriously. Out of mere curiosity I teasingly ask why he never took me on an actual date secretly scared of his response. No one wants to appear unattractive not even to the "oh hell no type of man". I say what others murmur. So he takes a deep breath, smiles and looks down. Wait was I that bad!? I think and just like that paranoia takes over and I find myself assuring him that I will not be offended. As a matter of fact we will laugh it off. 

"You are too intimidating.It was not you, it was me. I wasn't ready ready for you then financially. But now I am ." It broke my heart hearing this man confess over the last thing on my mind. I don't disagree as a man if you can't provide it will be an issue but that is not a reason enough to not go for it. Anyway let me nurse my heart while trying my best bit to intimidate more men. 

My indeed  #RealityCheck

My 12pm

Some of us learn through mistakes while the rest of us are lucky enough to leave through someone else's mistakes. But what saddens me is when you think you are better than the one before you while you are headed for the same hole. 

It takes someone humble to not allow "attention" get the best of them. I am allowed to make afew mistakes but none from foolishness. To me anyone who entertains now tell rather shows me who they truly are. I don't mind you celebrating in the moment but living in the moment is just going too far. 

This is where I take a step back and watch you ruin yourself. Rather I grab a seat and predict your downfall step by step in my mind. You bet am betting on you secretly. The minute you start acting important, you are immediately replaced. 

Then it hits you. You thought you were relevant but #RealityCheck proves that you were nothing short of a phase. Life has a way of putting people in their places. 

6:14pm

It's hard to find a real lady this days but you know what is even harder finding rather a real man making his way towards you. The only time men and women agree is when they are high either on each other or on other substances. 

Allow me to use " finding" for now though I am old fashioned and believe in being sought after. So "finding" a man who can be himself around you is nothing short of a miracle. I am not talking about the class clown who never knows when to switch up the play . I am talking about a legible gentleman who is willing to be himself around a lady. Or does it take a special lady to unveil the big reveal *laughs*. 

I have been fortunate enough to "come across" such men. In a way am always attracted if not attracting them with who I am as a person. Men are always complaining of how we ladies have become so "fake" from out hair to our veins . It's as though we are lying to be perfect and by that I mean we are selling them an idea of who we want them to love us by while in real sense we are the complete opposite. 

As for having "fake" hair , on my part I can explain. I am easily bored by hair. I have hair after all am not bald but having to relax it every month is too obvious for me. The reason why I advocate for the extra"lie" is because it makes us feel good about ourselves. I could be having a lousy day but the minute my hair is done, I feel as though I am cat woman. Very attractive and confident. 

Men are real but getting one to be himself when you are around is like chasing after the wind . Well it feels that way. I am not talking about the "show" they put on just to get you to give in but how about you let your guard down . I am not talking about him friend zoning you where he only tells you because he sees you like one of the guys but how about you let me see the real you. 

Well for now that is my #RealityCheck 

Figure it out

How many times have I heard that? But isn't that what we are all supposed to do? By us I mean the grown you and I. At different ages we need different words to keep us going. To keep us motivated if not inspired. 

At 2015 it doesn't matter if you are old enough but it's oftenly thrown to your face as though you were deaf. Figure it out. Know what you want and do it. Everyone is battling their own demons to pause and come help thought yours. Yes, people have changed. If it has nothing to do with them, it's not their business. Well if you are expecting the world to care or take notice please quit while you are ahead. 

To me figure it out screams more of grow up. Like start acting your age if not your weight *laughs* am sorry. Life has taught both young and old to figure it out. If whatever works for you, don't be mad when you want more out of life and it slaps you on the face. There is no room for changing your mind not going with the flow..... Simply just figure it out. All of it! 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Imperfectly perfect

Everyone is working on perfecting what is already imperfectly perfect to another. Like the saying goes," one man's poison is another's treasure". Don't allow someone's insecurity make you doubt who you are. If they can't see it then how is that your problem. God did not need their approval so why are we so keen to seek the opinion of others?

I am an African lady. Though at times I find nothing African about myself. Don't get me wrong I just tend no I believe I have different ways of coping with life. I don't mind going out and having a good time but I would gladly trade it in for a good night sleep. I don't mind going out on a date but I prefer staying indoors and watching rather rewatching old movies. 

So when a man says you are not like other ladies is that a good thing or bad? Personally, I don't see what the rest of "those" ladies have to do with me. Did you expect to use the same tools to repair this "machine"? 

I am imperfectly perfect just the way I am and the day I will be uncomfortable in my own skin, I will gladly let you know. If I am not trying to change you, why are you trying to fix what is not broken? What makes you an expert regarding my life? You can't live your life and mine as well. 

Let's not change people and live or learn to accept them as they are. If not then change yourself. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

Sunday

I always pictured that getting pregnant while single the minute the doctor would break it down that ,"congratulations you are pregnant" my life would be over and if the same doctor confirmed the same news after having been swept off my feet by my dream man and being married in church that that would be the happiest day of my entire life. Those two scenes have one thing in common me. 

It's boy about whether it's the right time or with the right man but in the end it's down to if I am ready to handle such responsibilities? Am I ready to be a mother. Ofcourse every woman at one point in life imagines they will be mothers but sadly the ones who long to own such responsibilities end up barren while the ones ready to run the world end up being " tied down". 

This has nothing to do with if am financially stable or not. If the one am with or end up with is worth the my baby daddy title. To be honest, the way I was raised has so much to do with this personal decision. I always say the man I will end up carrying his child is one special human being. Having believed that, there is a reality check. 

To my future husband, I know you will adore me with everything in you but can you make the ultimate sacrifice of not wanting children. What if am not the problem and you end up being the one who can't give me children will I be contented to be in a childless marriage?   

What if the one for you already has kids would you be willing to settle for them or would you claim to want nothing to do with "baggage" not knowing if your tomorrow will bear fruits?  Aren't children blessings? So what happens if you can't have some or worse don't desire them?

And that is my Sunday #RealityCheck

8pm

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Ever since I was a little girl I discovered that anything I fed my mind be it negative or positive it had a way of coming to pass. The power of the mind. 

Now I don't even have to worry about being right or wrong. All I have to do is believe and just like that miracles happen. It has been a journey then and now . I can only sum it all up as just miracles. I have been fortunate enough to  overcome the tests and trials of time.  

I am a miracle child and this is my #RealityCheck 

Switch back on

Like any other human being I have bad days and days when I don't even want to get up. No not suicidal thoughts no but I just want to laze around and allow my emotions take complete control. The thing about allowing your emotions get the best of you is that snapping back to reality is a struggle. You might end up brain dead if not careful. It's like you are shutting down your brain and just surviving on "whatever". That is the difference between men and women. Men never show their emotions and never reason based on how they feel but rather on facts. That is how they manage to keep it together. 

Being human we all switch off at one point. It doesn't mean it's the end of the world. You can but how do you wire your emotions and allow your head take complete control of the rest of your body? Your emotions trigger imaginations  to your head and then is when you loose it. All sorts of negative emotions are released .... Uncertainty, jealousy , insecurity and slowly you are on the right track to becoming mad. 

One major reason why one would encounter a major emotional breakdown is because of holding on too long to what if and what could have been. When you don't forgive yourself and others the guilt slowly destroys you and holds you back. 

I will leave you with this ," Even new cars break down and sometimes you are forced to walk. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

My 10pm

I have no idea what I want to blog about. What's on my mind? A lot to be honest so much that even words feel as though they are too much to explain it all. There comes a time where you have to stand up. It might not be much but taking the first step to working towards what you want is more than enough. 

Young love is beautiful. It's inspirational. At times it never works out other times it unfolds magic. If you have never experienced it before don't beat yourself down. When it happens it will happen. Sometimes loosing is the best thing that can happen to you. It grows you. It challenges you. It makes you uncomfortable enough to want better if not more. 

So I don't know about you reading this but I plan on putting my faith to test. Not just speaking positivity into mylife but believing in myself a lot more. 

And that is my late #RealityCheck 

What kind of friend are you?

Let's be real as always what kind of friend are you? Are the kind that keeps pushing your friend towards their goals? Are you the lets kick it kind that only shows up whenever free and drinks are used in the same sentence? Are you the kind that watches your friends make mistakes by doing what you are good at ... Being silent. You never air your views just in case you are accused of saying something offensive? Are you the cheerleader that cheers their friends on practically everything? 

Life is too short to be a cheerleader. Wait at your age you own Pom poms? We have a name for you with my kind ... clown! So basically you wake up and you just help others exist by applauding their lifestyle... Beautiful! I mean in a sarcastic way. So am guessing the day your friend kicks the bucket you will either cheer someone else on or start living your life huh! Well we all can't be you. Again that is not a compliment. 

Friends are supposed to grow each other and not sleep with the others boyfriend as someone once primitively pointed out. Wait is that your definition of having a friend where screwing is on the agenda? Damn! I must be old fashioned because to me my bestie is treated like my blood sister after having proven that she is trust worthy. 

Why do I have a feeling someone is dying to know what kind of a friend I am? Before you *girl* me to your 'crew' allow me put your curiosity at ease. I am the kind of friend who tells it like it is. I will also take your dreams and help you try and achieve them the best way I can. I am the kind that helps you bring out the best in you. I am the kind that you can turn to because I not only listen but I will help find a solution. I am the kind that lives her life but always take the time to care about those in my circle. 

I am your number one fan, a clown and everything else *giggles* . I am who you want me to be but at the end of the day am not defined by who people say I am. 

The Chase

When you chase someone who is chasing after another. Reminds me of my best friends wedding. It makes perfect sense doesn't it. Calm down and read on slowly. It was meant to be, you saw it , he saw it society was for it but it didn't work out. For some reason this all too confusing. 

Think about it, he has always been there but somehow he found someone else and in your mind you still think he is putting on an act but he is not or is he? You guys grew up together and even your parents teased the two of you of how you should hook up because no one  knows the other better than you. He doesn't have to say what is troubling him, you already know but what happens when it's right but wrong? 

I am not talking about home wrecking  here or being the other woman but what happens when he or she realizes they only care about you but not the same way you do about them? Do you still force the situation or threaten to make their lives miserable. Some of us ladies are meant to prepare these broke men for someone else to enjoy our sweat and effort into turning them into the good men that they have become. Come on don't be bitter. You know if it were not for your encouragements and support he would probably be a good for nothing son of a woman. So how does he reward you, by falling inlove with another. 

Gentlemen, this has everything to do with you but your opinion at this point is of no use. But I understand and that is why am speaking on your behalf. The never ending chase. She had your back when all you had was misery brcause even then you felt as though God had forgotten about you. So you did the right thing, you made her your number one. But the more you tried the more you were assured she is not the one. 

How long would you put up with a relationship as a result of gratitude? Personally I am selfish enough to not allow a day go by without feeling completely appreciated by someone I consider my better half. Out of sight out of mind isn't that what we are all made to believe. But how comes you end up settling for a look alike of the one that got away? 

Speaking of awkward moments ladies have you ever studied your man everyone the two of you bump into certain females? This is not where you get to pull the please I don't stare, am stared at card. While you are full of yourself, she and the rest of society is laughing at your foolishness. Believe that grasshopper. I am not in a relationship but being the sober and keen observer I am, it amazes me what other females put up with all in the name of atleast he calls me his girl. Really!? While you the supposedly love of his love mark you territory by trying to cut the conversation short or pulling an infant move * baby lets go* your Prince Charming is secretly drooling and seeking audience with this * undefined* creature. The way he smiles from ear to ear, hugs her from behind while awaiting to board a matatu at night which brings me to the next question gentlemen, how do you do that? How do you notice her from behind at night in the dark? How do you just act as though the one you are with doesn't exist the minute "she" shows up? 

The chase continues in my #RealityCheck 

Inspired By CNN

There is nothing wrong with airing your views as long as they are proven facts. The power of being misquoted and it's not what I meant when all along you had a choice to be silent. It got me thinking of the many times I have witnessed people make the same mistake thinking they are coming off as Heroes but end up looking like bitter fools. Empty as the very same claims they tried to raise. 

The power of words. They can make or break an entire nation. For now thanks to that one little yet huge slip up it is uniting Kenyans. Now that is a we are one moment. We are all putting our differences aside to address this "terror" issue. In a way in my opinion, it brought back a bullying moment. When someone who has the opportunity to make a difference in the world tries to instill fear just because they assumed we are in Afrrica we pose a threat to other countries. Don't get us wrong we have wild animals in the wild but the rest of us human beings are the opposite ... Calm, Neighbourly and Notable see CNN *giggles* 

Let's all learn from this. Like what ever happened to being innocent until proven guilty? Doing your homework literally? Think before you speak? Perhaps whomever spoke those ill words must have been having a bad day or had a personal issue with a specific individual but to take it out on an entire country and on National Television to me leaves nothing to be desired. 

It's not in my place to judge but learn that given the chance to make a difference internationally I will not allow the immediate go to my head . I will try calm myself down because it's no longer about me but others. Try and leave an impact a positive one in people's lives and not the other way round. People leaving an impact on your life. That is how fast has changes to had. In the heat of a moment learn to pull away and have a self meeting with yourself. 

And that is my #RealityCheck 

My four o'clock

I have been struggling with landing on that perfect inspiration. I have so much in mind but I just needed that go ahead and blog kind of kick. Now that I have found it, am excited. Today being Tuesday I have a million plus things to be thankful for. I am thankful for being alive, healthy, of sound mind, brave enough to face and embrace this day, for smile for no particular reason, for laughing for afew couple of reasons and among all those am most thankful that I still get to be myself. 

It's not easy sticking to who you have been called to be. Of course being a lady I want to keep up with the trend by dressing the part but that shouldn't hinder me from utilizing my God given potential. At times I know things that take  too long to come to pass that really weigh me down. Like who wants to know all that if it will happen years later. Or like my best friend highlights I have the vision but awful timing *laughs*. 

I was crazy about the month of June but for no particular reason am inlove with July. Don't even ask but I can't help but smile and glow. 

So much has happened since January. We have lost loved ones, lost opportunities that we wish we took, lost meaning of what is left of life. But just like any match, that was only the first half. You can still change the outcome by the end of the year. To me a day is enough to turn your life around while to God a second is enough for him to turn things around. From a zero to a hero. Just like that. All he has to do is say it and it's done. 

Allow me to get my preach on. What we have all been suffering from is the process. The same old routine. Having to do the same thing you did today tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that until you feel drained and you find yourself giving and embracing the phase. But what we forget is that the process makes us toughen up to get us to where God wants us to be. This is where most of us have discovered our true friends because nobody wants the process. 

Then comes change. When you pull people from familiar places to unfamiliar they harden. What they were used to might not have been working out by atleast they still want the illusion that they were cracking the system of how it was better than this new change. 

People have gone a step further and taken the word literally. The word says ," As I was with Moses so shall I be with you". Beautiful words. Let me break it down because I find that most ladies are struggling with this scripture while trying to apply it in their own lives. So perhaps your mentor has a lifestyle that got you wishing you had the same. So instead of living your life you start living it through so one else. From admiring to possessing. It doesn't work. Just because I was raised in church and mylife somehow looks as if it's better from your point of view doesn't mean you stop being you, join the same church, wear the same clothes , befriend my very same friends and expect to be blessed the same. 

Instead of changing clothes, ladies we need to change our hearts. We already look amazing although some of us are trying hard to alter their already God given beauty by fixing what is not broken. We need to find our own inner voice and stand out. You have to discover your own uniqueness then the right people will show up in your life. Let's be real ladies, how many men have you been with and yet they keep disappointing you the very same way. Perhaps the problem is not the men you attract but who you are as a person that attracts that kind of a man. 

And that is my #RealityCheck

My love letter to you

I have a feeling if I don't write this love letter someone else will beat me to it. There is something you need to know about your girl, she is very competitive in a good way. Like if I think it I want to be the one to tell of how this idea came to me kind of thing. Am not afraid of loosing you because am secure enough to know if you want to go, I will not hold you back.

I want to tell you when am having a great idea, I usually have a lot of these. I want you to be the first to tell when am having a crapy day and feel like b*tching about it or like now am taking a matatu home and   some passenger was like " shukisha sodi " *laughs*there is no cute way of making a perverted place sound sexy *burst out laughing* Sodi as in Sodom like in the bible *giggles* I hope it's not what am thinking. By now am hoping you are my number one fan and hate it when I don't blog. I pray you get my sense of humor and that your friends assuming you have already told them about me think you are mad for liking someone you have never met perhaps. 

I just want you to hurry and claim me.i will tell you what am afraid of though, that these men pursuing me one day I will grow weary of letting them down and that I will eventually give in. You are taking too damn long. Wherever you are get your ašš home to me *smile* babygal is human, straight and has needs *blushes*. Perhaps you are in the club watching women twerking well I can twerk * falls down laughing* or working late in the office if that's the case I hope this keeps you entertained. Maybe you are in a relationship with a lady who is treating you like you were her last option well let her know there is about to be a new sheriff in town who will lets just say I will show you * wink*. Wherever you are you son of a woman, know a heart somewhere tonight is struggling because it beats for you and eyes that are tired of looking at other men but rather want to be lost in yours. 

I would go on but am going home to a cold bed so no need to torture myself . I miss you and until the day we will meet I will keep writing hoping you get my love letter(s). I have so much to tell you and by now I know you are a smart man, you have figured it out. Good God I miss you. Oh well I will survive considering this girl is on fire *laughing sheepishly * am done. Goodnight my calm heartbeat. Until then I will do my best to make you proud of me.

And that is my love letter #RealityCheck 

Wounds

Gentlemen, this is how you deal or rather handle a wounded woman, let her be. Don't entertain her or think by loving her past her pain will make her see you for the man you are. Secretly she is waiting for you to mess up and the you men are all the same speech goes off. We both know you deserve better than a bitter woman. 

This kind of woman is too emotionally involved if not drained. She is the type that holds on to another woman's man not because she likes the man but because she wants to prove to others while proving to herald that she can keep a man. Ladies if you have evert encountered such females please stay clear of the unnecessary drama. She has nothing to loose by acting psycho. For the record she is not acting crazy she is crazy. 

Ladies don't waste your breath on a wounded man. He will only drag you down his you women are all the same shenanigans. You are a princess awaiting her crown not a clown awaiting his puppet master in the circus. Wounded men unlike psychotic ladies look the gentleman part. He plays his role all to well. He acts like a two year old and blames it on the jealousy card. By that I mean he will literally embarrass you all in the name of am defending what is mine. Seeking attention in all the wrong ways. Hey, he didn't change, you were just too smitten to see past the gifts that all that was to cover up. 

Such men avoid real talk but when they decided to open up is as bait to make you stay. They are good at manipulating and making you feel as though it's your fault. You end up committing to a man just to prove you are nothing like his ex. 

Time heals all wounds but damn it how is it supposed to if you keep blaming it on the same old story and not willing to learn from your mistakes. So how will making life hard for everyone else ease your pain? Ladies how will draining a good man whom we both know you don't deserve because of your bitterness show the rest of us good ladies that bad pays off? Unless your intentions are to spread hate and anger I don't see the need of all this madness. Gentlemen how will you making a good woman suffer help reduce the pain? Why are you robbing her the chance to be with a man who has already fought his demons and can love her the way she deserves a bad thing? 

In my opinion bitter and people in pain should be isolated because they have so much negative energy. You don't get over someone by starting a new relationship. You can only be healed not by time but by yourself. You have to want this bad enough for yourself. The same energy you are using to scheme and make others pay should be the same focus on making you a better you. 

I understand the pain but I don't sympathize. We have all had to deal with a loss in one way or another. Great or small so stop acting as though you are doing God a favor by being alive. We get it you are mad, you probably have every right to be but tell me this what does that have to do with me trying to show you that I will not hurt you . Not like that anyway. Am human not immortal so don't expect unrealistic gestures. 

I will leave you with this," I love you " has eight letter but sadly so is " Bullshit" so you do the math. 

And that is my wounds #RealityCheck